Unrequited Tinder Love the Third

It’s time again to haul through the archives of my ever popular Tinder profile for the next installment of unrequited Tinder Love. These are the messages I sent out that were meet with the ever popular silent “go fuck yourself” response. So enjoy my “romantic mishaps” while I pretend my eyes are red because there are things in them.

Tinder 1

Message: Berets berets berets!! Merci!

Analysis:  I have no idea what I was expecting to get out of this one. Your guess is as good as mine.

Tinder 2

Message: Finally another native new yorker. Were endangered animaks I tell ya#

Analysis: Nothing says I’m interested in getting to know you like a first message with numerous typos and replacing an exclamation mark with a hashtag sign. Talk about the right way to lose a soulmate!

Tinder 3

Message: We must have seen each other a million times in stony lol

Analysis: I got too comfortable too quickly in my messaging by saying Stony instead of Stony Brook University. I should have retained a respectful distance. A learning experience indeed.

Tinder 4

Message: That looks like a festive holiday! Lol

Analysis: But then again I’ve been wrong before.

Tinder 5

Message: Sounds like someone has a Halloween costume picked out!

Analysis: Never, ever assume anything about anyone especially something as personal and delicate as a potential Halloween costume. I cringe as I reread this exchange.

Tinder 6

Message: Bojack horseman and chill?

Analysis: I swear it has something to do with her bio. Please believe me.

Tinder 7

Message: Its always nice to find a free range and gmo free booty. Thanks for doing your part.

Analysis: Monsanto must have gotten to her. It’s the only reason she didn’t reply to this witty and hilarious first contact. Another romance ruined by an evil corporation. Where’s Bernie Sanders when you need him.

Tinder 8

Message: Lady di. Never forget!

Analysis: It’s never not inappropriate to honor the people’s princess. I will not apologize for my pithy memorial.

Tinder 9

Message: A dog and a birthday cake?? Tinder kryptonite I tell ya!

Analysis: Making a Superman reference post Batman vs. Superman: The Dawn of Justice is just a bad idea. Pick up the cinematic slack DC Universe, some of us are trying to get laid here!

Tinder 10

Message: Lets get all you can eat sushi!!

Analysis: Nothing says romance like eating sushi until your eyes roll to the back of your head and you pass out on top of 15 spicy tuna rolls. She was wise to decline the offer.

As always in the words of the latest Nobel Prize Laureute in Literature: there's no success like failure and failure's no success at all!

Reasons to be Exited for 2017

2016 will famously go down as the worst year in memory since 2015 because being sad is fun, addicting, and contagious. But this was an especially rough year on both macro and micro levels. Our idols died, our country was taken over by the worst of the worst, and I still can’t get a decent goddamn haircut. Horrors indeed. But to quote one of my favorite Simpson’s episodes – we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom (well maybe not the last part anymore). So in that spirit let’s see the potential positives for the next year:

Are You the One season 5 will premiere on January 11^th and the people look even hotter than ever! I for one am ready for another ten weeks of nonstop fucking, fighting, crying, drinking, and more fucking. I’m so excited that I have forgiven the producers for failing to cast me for the 4^th consecutive season. It’s a hurt that can only last for so long.

Another Star Wars movie and this one looks like it’ll have a good chance of Luke Skywalker saying a line of dialogue or two. That’s enough to have me start my theater camp out right now.

Being able to experience the grandeur of the first unicorn since biblical times in the form of Kristaps Porzingis. Long may he gallop!

As we continue the slow painful process known as “aging”, we can all enjoy becoming that much more out of the cultural zeitgeist and enjoy criticizing all the new and exciting shit that seems scary and stupid because back when I was a younger lad…

Seeing how many times websites like the Huffington Post will claim John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Trevor Noah, Seth Meyers, or Stephen Colbert have DESTORYED or MURDERED IN CLOOD BLOOD a particular issue. You know like the way they totally destroyed the Trump campaign. Let the out-hyperbolizing begin.

Thanks to the efforts of President Donald Trump the War on Christmas will be won and no longer will Christians have to cower and hide during the month of December. At last a win for the gentiles.

We will finally get to see how strong our Constitution is when it comes into direct competition with our first overtly fascist leader.

Appreciating that one movie you see that isn’t a sequel, reboot, prequel, or involve superheroes.

Enjoying the paradox of being both caught up and multiple seasons behind on all of your favorite shows.

Groucho Marx continuing to be hilarious. Nothing can change that.

The possibility that we all find our true loves while our enemies are smoted. It could happen! I know I say this every year but this one seems like the year. Call it a hunch that has never ever panned out.

Ahh 2017, it looks good already.

Bob Dylan's Desert Trip

What will Bob Dylan do on Desert Trip? Out of all the performers his set seems to be the one no one can get a read on. Most of the acts play their greatest hits and bring out guest stars but as always Bob Dylan is a different cat. I saw him on his Americanarama tour with an all-star opener of Wilco, Beck, and Sean Lennon and he didn’t play with any of them when his turn came along. Hell he didn’t play when he toured with Mavis Staples and he tried to marry her back in the day (she did say they talked all the time which is a nice change of pace from the other stories I’ve read of late). Will he stick with the set (his modern tracks mixed with Sinatra covers and only a couple of songs pre 1997) or will he pull a Rome 2013 and decide to play all his classics? The man is a mystery wrapped in a riddle and will probably have the most divisive set amongst concert goers. I’d say since around 2012/2013 the critics have mostly lauded his live shows but I’ve seen plenty of people walking out or even complaining about his voice (shocker) or his setlist. I always tell people that you have to be prepared if you choose to see the Minnesota Bard live. He’s not going to play the songs like they sounded on the album and to top that off he probably won’t play your favorite. Now to the casual fan this sounds horrible but it’s really one of the most unique shows out there. Here’s a man reinventing his music and defeating the nostalgia that has gripped so many of his contemporaries and fans. He doesn’t care how you enjoyed the way a song sounded back in the day because it’s a relic of the past. That’s a static sound. When Dylan performs he’s discovering what’s relevant and meaningful about the song to him in the present. It’s sort of like watching an artist paint a picture in real time. He’s a true artist and I could go on and on, and I have, but usually people start walking out on me so I’ll cool it a tad with the worship.

So what will Dylan do? Will he play “Like a Rolling Stone” with the Stones? Jam on “Blowin in the Wind” with Neil Young? Or just come out do his vaudevillian dancing and croon out the classics? It’s going be fascinating either way and my sole hope is that he’s in good voice. He’s a competitive fellow and I doubt he’ll want to be the weak link in this pantheon of greats. If anything Dylan will be the most divisive but that’s to be expected. He’s Bob Dylan. When has he ever done anything but the things he wants to?

On Moving from Manhattan to Fucking Queens

This upcoming Wednesday represents a massive change for me and my family. We’ll be moving out of Manhattan to Forrest Hills. Now I’ve lived in Manhattan my whole life and pride myself on being a resident of this great borough, so the change is going to be a major one. Naturally we’re all pretty pissed about being the latest victims of gentrification and unaffordable rents but that’s what this city has become. When will it stop who knows, but you have to figure we’re going hit a breaking point soon. Well one can hope. So below I’ve written out my thoughts on this move.

I can finally check off gentrification on my bingo card of crappy New York experiences.

I get to yell at people who have told me for years that Austin Street is amazing. I mean come on people it’s three blocks of chain stores and decent restaurants. If it was in Manhattan it would be just another forgettable row of shopping. Let’s stop with the nonsense. When people talk up Austin Street I immediately go back to the scene in Blazing Saddles where Gene Wilder talks about “people of the land” (you know morons).

An unexpected bonus will be that for the first time in my life I’m not located in ground zero for a major terrorist attack. Instead of being instantly wiped out, Forrest Hills will be privy to enjoy the slow agonizing death that comes with nuclear fallout.

Being forced out of my lovely home will allow me to add to my favorite hobby: complaining and whining! Watch out Jesus there’s a new martyr in town!

If anything, this will speed up the process of me leaving home and getting my own place. Living at home with your parents in Manhattan is kind of shameful but I can rationalize it by pointing out that I’m in the greatest place in the world. Living at home with your parents in Queens turns me into an even less successful George Costanza.

I’ve really enjoyed the fake pity people give me when I say I’m moving out of Manhattan. If I can keep that pity going for let’s say a good six months, maybe something good will have come out of this whole ordeal.

It’s very interesting asking people what they think about Forrest Hills. Most people say it’s nice but that’s all. What is nice really? To me it’s the vaguest of compliments; a thing to say when a positive descriptor is needed and nothing else springs to mind. That’s why nobody ever wants to date the nice guy. The nice guy is boring and bland but on the upside they’re not unpleasant to be around. Nice is like a faintly pleasant aroma. So yes Forrest Hills is nice, but what else is it? Manhattan is dirty, overpriced, and gentrified, but it’s also thrilling, challenging, and endlessly fascinating. I can’t say anything else about Forrest Hills so far other than it’s nice. But then again I haven’t lived there so what do I know. Prove me wrong.

I'm going to miss...
saying I live a block away from Bellevue Mental Hospital. You know where Walt Whitman and Sid Vicious stayed and where they treated the Ebola guy.
Being amazed at how I live within 15 minutes walking distance of the Empire State Building and Union Square. Not everybody gets to live in the heart of one of the world's great cities. I guess I'm lucky I was able to do so for over 20 years.
Walking everywhere I ever need to go to
Leaving in my house and being in the middle of a never-ending web of massive skyscrapers and ratty old tenement houses.
The magic that is Fairway.
Passing the house my Nana used to live in on a daily basis.
Gladly reassuring people that some middle class New Yorkers do live in Manhattan
That instant connection when you meet another native or lifelong Manhattanite. We're becoming fewer and fewer.
Never quite understanding how I can hear people yelling and Mr. Softee's siren call very clearly despite being 10 stories up.



It's going to be a transition and but what can ya do. I like to take solace in the fact that I'll always be a snobby (and as of this post, melodramatic) Manhattan kid no matter where I end up living. So in conclusion, fuck Manhattan for kicking us out. But fuck Queens more because it ain't Manhattan.

Pros and Cons of Common Cold Symptoms

Pros and Cons of Common Cold Symptoms

Stuffy and Running Nose

Pro: The realization that there is a fate worse than death and it is currently between my nostrils. Somehow the icy inevitable embrace doesn’t seem so terrible as compared to the never ending crustiness afflicting my precious, precious nostrils.

Con: How does this phenomenon of battling bodily failures occur? How can a draining and clogging process work so perfectly to annoy and destroy a perfectly functioning human nose and body? Answer: Since puberty my body has been actively trying to kill me or at the worst maim and embarrass the consciousness it holds.

Scratchy Throat

Pro: At worst it’s usually over in a few minutes and I get to experience life as a Middle American with my red throat (that’s the closest I have physically gotten to that particular lifestyle). The funhouse mirror Jason Thompson is an intriguing one as replace my signature quasi-hipster New York cred with simple pleasures like the hankering of joining a militia for those hypothetical situations where I defeat the full might of the US government with a shotgun and my hound dog Geech.

Con: To cover up my red throat, sometimes I sell out and don a scarf robbing the world of my stunning chest hair and 70’s porn star look. Without the exposed chest my parted hair just looks plain foolish. Sometimes the solution is as painful as the problem.

Itchy Eyes

Pro: I perpetually look like the major pothead I am mistaken for, but for some odd reason the cops never seem to mind my dazed look and red eyes and allow me to go along with my day. I must have all the luck!

Con: Realizing my glasses do very little to protect my eyes. Here I thought these instruments could provide me some defense against the elements, but lo and behold I am as helpless as the next person and probably more so because I have to take off my glasses to wipe my eyes, temporarily blinding me. Again, the human body disappoints.

Body Aches

Pro: The joys of experiencing what my body will feel like daily in at least 25 years (fingers crossed for 26). I’ve always been a sucker for spoilers and sneak previews and this is the best one! Hurrah for aging.

Con: Feeling like my body could break at any moment like many a children’s fable about the overstuffed mitten and such. I am not ready to have my pain immortalized in a story about how kids should probably take their cold medication consistently.

Play by Play: All You Can Eat Sushi Buffet

Play by play of an all you can eat sushi experience.

10:30 PM Day before: Walking around aimlessly when I start to feel hungry. Very hungry. Then a perverse thought occurs. Should I go to that new all you can eat sushi buffet close to me called Ragu? Is it as delicious as the sauce? Will it be a pathetic and soul crushing experience to gorge alone? The answer: most definitely yes.

10:35: I text a platonic friend and she’s down for a platonic all you can eat sushi buffet date in the most platonic sense possible. I joke that we should not eat anything until we meet up at three for the buffet. She laughs. I scold her. Prep time is the most essential part of the buffet experience. I cannot overstate this enough.

Night to morning (but let’s say like one in the afternoon): I have a night filled with strange erotic dreams confirming that Japanese food was a good choice. Note to self (based on my dream): don’t order anything with tentacles or from a vending machine.

2:13: My platonic friend says she’s taking a very platonic walk over to my house and then we’ll head to the buffet. I say great and begin my third vomiting purge of the day. This one is special though as it’s not for the buffet, but for me. I mean how else do I keep this lean mean figure? Jealous much? I thought so.

3:07: She has platonically arrived. We take a stroll over and realize that Ragu isn’t open till 4. I also learn that the place is not called Ragu but something else. Something not amusing so it will remain as Ragu for the purposes of this diary. I have principles.

3:07-3:50: We kill time by sitting around Madison Square Park observing a large number of three wheeled scooters. What a time to be alive. My friend is going on about needing a listening ear or something but I have checked out. My mind is on the meal. The glorious meal that will ruin me for the rest of the day and into tomorrow. Needless to say I’m excited.

4:04: We have arrived. The place is empty which is either nice or a warning that I’m about to embark on a wild food poisoning adventure. But then again adventure is my middle name (on a freemium cell-phone game. Or rather the “a” initial is. They don’g allow full middle names for characters).

4:08: We have ordered and the waiting begins. My friend goes to the bathroom and right on cue the appetizers arrive in the form of kani salad, edamame, seaweed salad, and various chicken dishes. Naturally the question arises of do I dig in or wait for her return? I notice that I’m already four edamame deep, so I do the honorable thing and start on my fifth one because this is a buffet. Manners and dignity went out the door when we entered.

4:15: The sashimi is here and it is lovely. Picture perfect. I attempt to take a quirky snapchat video but I mess up and only take a decent picture of the raw fish. I excuse myself to the bathroom for a quick cry and when I return the piece de resistance has landed; the master tray of all you can eat maki rolls. My eyes water. Is this what food heaven is like? The answer no: heaven is not real. My atheism returns and I’m able to dig in.

4:28: A non-platonic pair of people also known as a romantic boyfriend girlfriend duo have just arrived and are seated to the far left of us. As me and my friend scarf down our food we hear loud smacking noises. Lo and behold these people are going at it tongue over heels in a very graphic display of PDA. If anything, it nearly distracts me and my friend from our platonic mutual masturbation. But we’re not the type to get easily distracted. No sir. Not at all.

4:47: The hunger has been replaced with the stuffed. We’ve eaten everything but the last piece of chicken teriyaki which is doused in something closer to a paste than a sauce. My friend orders more as she is a champ. I gamely eat three more pieces of sashimi before my eyes roll to the back of my skull.

5:03: The feasting is over. The bill has come and playing the role (more like spicy tuna roll – am I right people) of the perfect gentleman I offer to pay the tip. My ploy falls flat and I end up paying half while marking down the exact time and date that chivalry in America died.

5:05: We leave the restaurant and part ways…forever know that our friendship has hit its logical peak. Everything would only be a steep downhill descent from here. I return to my house and enter the bathroom make peace with my new surroundings for the next hour or so. It was a glorious meal. In three weeks I will be ready to taste food again. It was worth it. 

More Unrequited Tinder Love!

After mindlessly swiping right, until of course you hit the dreaded 12 hour timeout, you’ve finally matched with the lucky profile who’s destined to become your future spouse. You send a message and bam, no response. You’ve been rejected proving love is dead and meaningless. Before you start looking for the best broken hearts tumblr page, you check the blinking light on your phone to see you’ve procured another match! You send another message and, after an obnoxiously lengthy dramatic pause, no response. Nothing causes more momentary anguish than unrequited Tinder love. Since I am known in many circles as a “Tinder God” (for the record these circles consist solely of me), I will share my “hilarious” failures on that app everyone still pretends not to be on. Enjoy the second segment of unrequited Tinder love.

Tinder 1

Message: Who is she? Is she some sort of aquatic creature guessing from that emoji?

Analysis: I didn’t use my old standby of two question marks thus she couldn’t see the urgency in my questions. I shall never make that mistake again.

Tinder 2

Message: Tourista!! Whats your favorite part of nyc?

Analysis: Somethings are never meant to be shared on Tinder. She was right to not respond.

Tinder 3

Message 1: Hi! Nice rooster mug. I see you enjoy the signs of the Chinese zodiac as well

One Day Later: Ahh I guess your more of an astrology person then.

Analysis: Or maybe sometimes a rooster is just a rooster. Take that Freud!

Tinder 4

Message 1: How is Ted Cruz beautiful?? Riddle me that Batman!

One Month Later: The riddler wins again!

Analysis: There is only one person who can tangle with the Riddler and win that is Batman. Since she didn’t respond I can only assume she isn’t Batman and understood she could never match wits with the Riddler. Good call on her end.

Tinder 5

Message: Can I be the George Michael to your Maeby?

One Day Later: Or perhaps the STEVE HOLT to your Maeby?

Analysis:

Tinder 6

Message: Netflix account? I’m sold. Also fuck saying hey. How bout: hello.

Analysis: Or how about neither! I’ll stick to illegally downloading things by writing watch x free online like a normal person!

Tinder 7

Message: A new ceo?? Are you now a part of the 1%? Whats it like form on yonder??

Analysis: Apparently the view is great!

I guess Bob Dylan was right when he sang there’s no success like failure and failure’s not success at all!