Surviving/Celebrating Rosh Hashannah

Rosh Hashannah, or fake Jewish New Year as it is commonly referred to by 98% of the Earth’s population, is upon us once again and it is time to ring in the year 5775 (where does the time go).  I have decided to write a few tips, or bullet points if you will, to celebrating the perfect Jewish New Year. 

• ·         There is no matzo at this meal and people will look at you strangely if you ask for some.  That’s Passover, the phony religious holiday with Moses and what not.  This is Rosh Hashannah, the phony New Year that nobody believes in and what not.  There’s a big difference.  Don’t look at me that way, there really is.  On a similar note, do not ask for a drediel... 

• ·         It’s funny how you’d rather be watching Derek Jeter’s last game at Yankee Stadium then spend time with your family.  Actually it’s not that surprising as Derek Jeter, a complete stranger who most likely has no idea you exist other than in the general category of “fan”, has given you more happy and meaningful moments than your whole family has been able to muster.  Don’t bother arguing, you know it’s true.  You have my permission to leave during the 8^th family fight to watch Derek Jeter tip his cap one last time.  In short, The Captain is more important than ringing in the New Year.  But you knew that already.

• ·         Try your hand at blowing the shofar.  If you’re able to get a real sound out of it, congratulations you are an expert blower!  Call me sometime, perhaps…

• ·         Don’t invite Gentiles unless it is absolutely, positively necessary.  We are trying to end anti-Semitism and inviting a non-Jew to Rosh Hashannah is not going to help the cause.  From the food to the family arguments to the kvetching you’ll have your naïve visitor running to found his own local chapter of Hamas as soon as possible.

• ·         Here’s a fun game to play at Rosh Hashannah dinner.  Say something critical of Israel and then wait for somebody to acknowledge you because everybody is still in an intense conversation about that show Girl and Lena Dunham.  

• ·         Try to merge all New Year’s celebrations by coming to the dinner with some year glasses, a red envelope, and part of a dragon costume.  Then sit through the rest of the year knowing your job is done.

• ·         The best advice for celebrating Rosh Hashannah is to not attend a celebration.  Between the food, the company, and the Judaism, it’s enough to take 5 years off your life.  I advise that you celebrate the New Year in the more unorthodox manner of waiting till December 31^st.

So Happy Rosh Hashannah! Enjoy your brisket dinner and try not to kill each other.  I say try for I don’t expect the impossible.