Apparently, there is a Black Friday Death Count website. Also, sentences that open with the word
apparently, I mean come on who are we
trying to fool here with such shoddy openings? But, yes this
website exists and we have collectively reached a total of 7 deaths and 89 injuries. This is simply terrible. The holiday season is not a time for such
death tolls. In fact, we deserve higher
death tolls and a larger injury count.
This is America for Jesus sakes! We are the best at things that make other
countries cringe. So, let’s roll up our sleeves and up our
game. How can we express our love of the
winter holidays if we have not trampled, maimed, or stabbed our fellow
customer? I thought we were proud
capitalists? If Adam Smith were alive today, he would be rolling in his grave
seeing how poorly we’ve been adhering to his basic free market principles. The Wealth of Nations is basically a
guide to getting all the best deals while expertly avoiding or killing your competing
consumers. It’s called the invisible
hand of the market (that’s the hand where you hide your shopping shank – c’mon
people read the classics!). It is our patriotic
duty as Americans to rampage into a store and fight the very people we were
celebrating a dinner of thanks with no less than 6 hours ago. Killing your fellow man after breaking bread
with them is a tradition the pilgrims perfected. Quick quiz: what is the best way to honor the
Thanksgiving Spirit: wearing a buckle on your hat like an idiot, or frantically
swinging a crowbar as you run around Best Buy searching for that new Ipod case
that looks like a postcard? Do I have to answer this one people (cause I haven't been paying attention and do not know the answer to this one either)? It’s the season of giving and by that I mean
giving trips to the hospital (bam!).
The holiday season is no time to slow down and reflect on your year or to celebrate it with “friends” and “family”. These albatrosses get in the way when you are
trying to shop for them. How can I find
the perfect deal on the perfect gift for my brother, if I’m wasting time
talking and sharing time with him?
Unless you and your friends have formed an unstoppable shopping chain
gang, screw them and head right to the stores alone.
Now, Cyber Monday is becoming the next big shopping holiday,
but it sometimes lacks a main ingredient that makes this time of the year so
special; physical violence directed at an actual human being. If you choose to partake in the festivity of
Cyber Monday, do it in a public place.
Bring your laptop to Starbucks or anywhere public. Shop online at the Apple Store for Apple
products! (That’ll be quite the holiday inception. Shopping in a store for products that are
sold in the store you are presently in. Pure, unadulterated insanity at a PG-13 rating for adult situations and mild violence. Think about Nolan. I’ll let you
have this idea for the limited time of “until I am famous enough to do it
myself”). By being in a public place, you
can revel in the frantic shopping attitude and engage in some hilarious destruction or
people maiming if you don’t get exactly what you want.
Instead of break a chair in your house when you miss out on something
online, break a chair over that barista who dared to look you in the eyes when
you ordered (eyes down peasant!). Instead
yelling at a family member for distracting you or being bad luck, take out your
anger in the crowded entrance of your local mall.
It’ll feel good to yell at people not related to you for a change. Life is all about trying new things and
getting out there. So for Cyber Monday,
heed some of that advice.
So all in all, kill kill kill! Maim, maim, maim. And most importantly, gouge, gouge,
gouge! The holidays are upon us and it
is our duty to get the best deal at any cost.
If you fail at this, it doesn’t hurt to take a few people down with you along the
way. So happy hunting!
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