Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine’s Day is nice and whatever, but I always find it curious the way single people are talked to and treated on this most hallowed of Hallmark Holidays.  The lucky in love are trying to cheer up the unlucky in love as if today was national bawl your eyes out if you’re alone in this cold, dark universe day.  The amount of misguided attention single people get on Valentine’s Day brings to mind the town that puts up a menorah during the holidays despite their being only 2 Jewish families in the populous.  Yes, thank you for acknowledging me, but I’m fine.  Let me eat my latkes and wear my silly hat by my lonesome.  Same rule applies for St. Valentine’s Day.  Yes, thank you for giving me the number for the Suicide Hotline, but I’m telling you the reason I’m attempting suicide today is no different from why I dabbled in it on Tuesday (but don’t get me wrong, today’s date does play a role in the decision, but not as much as you’d think.  Plus, I already have the number. C’mon).  Live goes on as if it were any other blistery winter day with typical events like eating food when hungry, eating food when not hungry, and eating food to stave off the darkness.  Totally normal day.

Sure, the line at Duane Reade is more crowded than normal and the number of bodega flowers seems to dwindle rapidly by the hour, but other than that, no change.  Well, if you read my first paragraph you’d know that the previous sentence was a lie.  Sorry, but I was desperate to start a new paragraph and I got carried away.  The real change (aha, back on track) is that everyone keeps reminding you of your present relationship status and implores you to keep on keepin’ on.  Why are we assuming that single people are miserable on Valentine’s Day?  I for one am miserable on most days (I ascribe to the Alvy Singer theory of the horrible and the miserable) so the one day devoted to how I should be getting more than I am at the present moment doesn’t bother me any more than say Wednesday did.  Just because you’re presently in a relationship and I’m not doesn’t bring out any feelings of resentment and jealously (publicly).  I hate you for other reasons, the main one being that you keep telling me about your goddamn perfect relationship.  Number two is that you have a fulfilling career that pays actually money.  I don’t enjoy seeing people other than me succeed.  It sickens me to the core.  Yes, it’s cool that you’re in love at 23 and what not, good for you, live till 120, bring a horse to water, cliché, cliché, cliché.  But I don’t need to hear about how you and the betrothed are going to spend the night marathoning House of Cards in between fuck fests that would make Zeus himself blush.  That’s when Valentine’s Day starts to hit and I realize that marathoning House of Cards in between visits to websites featuring no less than twelve x’s will not do anymore.  Goddamn it I hate Valentine’s Day.

But not really, it’s a fine day.  Love should be celebrated at all times, especially when it is most convenient for both parties.  If I can impart any love advice it is that the strongest loves are based on a solid foundation of routine (watch “A Milhouse Divided”).  Valentine’s Day is for lovers so enjoy yourselves and stop trying to make me feel better cause it ain’t working.  Today is your day to go through the motions a little bit harder and to try and convince yourselves about how this relationship is totally gonna work out.  I don’t hate you because you have found your equal in another; I hate you because I hate you.  No outward celebration of your love towards the beloved will change that.  So enjoy your day and night and stop talking to me.  Today is for them.  Plus, you’re talking is impeding on valuable right swiping time and I’m bound to hit it off with a non-webcam on Tinder any minute.