2014 Yankees Preview

For most teams an 85 win season represents a decent if not good season.  Those teams are not the New York Yankees.  To paraphrase Fielding Mellish, a traitor to our country, last season was a travesty.  It was a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.  85 wins?  I’ve never been more disgusted with a New York team since I glanced over and read the latest headline concerning the Knicks.  After last year’s disgrace of what some would call a “season”, the Yankees regrouped and did what they do best: buy good to great names/players.  Sure we lost Robinson Cano, but in exchange we got some players that might run to first base and also hit in the postseason (for the purpose of this sentence I am ignoring all the glorious and wondrous moments Robinson Cano has given us over the years to focus on his few shortcomings – like hitting in the playoffs.  2012: never forget).  The 2014 Yankees season will be an interesting one to say the least and will feature new faces and the farewell season for the Captain.  I have compiled a mini-scouting report on our opening day roster to help us get better acquainted with the 2014 Yankees:

Opening Day Lineup

Jacoby Ellsbury: He subscribes to the rule of getting seriously injured every other season and as luck would have it, this year is the injury year.  Otherwise, it sure is fun to steal great Red Sox players and I look forward to seeing him get booed without mercy on his return to Fenway.

Derek Jeter: If anybody says one bad thing about the Captain, I will get madder than usual when somebody beseeches the Captain’s good name.  Derek Jeter is a god amongst baseball men and should be treated with extreme reverence if only for his impeccable dating record.  Contrary to popular belief, Jeter is not retiring this season but rather ascending to baseball heaven where he will spend his days known as the truest of the true Yankees.

Carlos Beltran: Better late than never or third times the charm or whatever cliché you want to put to Beltran finally donning the Yankee pinstripes.  Beltran is known as a clutch postseason hitter so look out for unreal expectations to hit if the Yankees make the postseason.  Anything less than a .400 average will produce A-Rod level booing from the Yankee faithful.  As for the regular season, true hard, do well, and don’t get hurt!

Brian McCann:  It will be a weird sensation to have a competent if not good catcher behind the plate after the whole Chris Stewart/Austin Romine debacle of last season.  It’s nice to have a real tough guy on the team and I can’t wait to see who he starts an unwritten rules fight with first.  If he attacks Big Papi he’ll instantly have a Yankeeography waiting for him at the end of the season.

Mark Teixeira: Count me among the delusional fans that believe it’s only a matter of time before Tex finds his 2009 golden form.  Regardless, it will be nice to see some killer defense at first and the predictable ground ball into the shift.  Tex we missed you!

Alfonso Soriano: Back and it feels so good.  I didn’t realize how much I missed you until you had that amazing week where you ate the Angels alive.  Never forget to gloat after each home run (we all secretly love it).

Brett Gardner: I’m not going to win any awards saying this, but it’s probably a good thing that Gardner’s the only player left on the roster from last year’s opening day squad (other than he who shall not be named).  For a guy with his talent and speed I’m always surprised to see him hitting around .270 instead of .300.  This guy should be the king of the 50 foot squibbler.  I look forward to hearing your chicken fried theme song and seeing that huge blue glove thing you wear on the base paths.

Brian Roberts: This would have been a great pick up around 6 years ago.  Right now let’s just hope he stays healthy and stops the bleeding from the loss of Mr. Charming Smile (he who shall not be named.  Robinson Cano).

Kelly Johnson:  I got nothing against this guy, but I would have preferred to see the fallen and banished Yankee at this spot.  A full season of A-Rod shenanigans would have been lovely.  Remember how much fun and excitement was generated by the fallen one’s cameo appearance last season.  Extrapolate that to a full season and it would have been one of the most entertaining shitshows in baseball history.  So thanks for denying us this one Bud Selig (side note – Bud Selig sucks).

Bench

Francisco Cervelli: He’s still on the team?  Good luck then I suppose.

 

Dean Anna: I have no idea who this is.  Sounds like the same crusty old dean trying to get rid of the Delta house.  God how I hate that Dean…

Yangervis Solarte: The man whose hot hitting kept Eduardo Nunez off the roster.  For that I say thank you and keep up the hot hitting.

Ichiro Suzuki: Aside from Jeter, he is the coolest Yankee.  From the way he dresses to the answers he gives reporters, Ichiro is Ichiro.  I don’t care that he hits .260.  He’s Ichiro and Ichiro makes everything better or at least more interesting.

Starters

CC Sabathia:  The weight he lost last year is equivalent to an 18 year old Jason Thompson (a handsome 18 year old Jason Thompson).  The big question is whether CC will regain his ace status or just simply not pitch terribly.  We will be able to gather all information needed after his start against the majors resident Triple A team, the Houston Astros.

Hiroki Kuroda:  He pitched well for most of last season until tiring out and playing like the rest of the squad.  Look for Kuroda to be a Hiro (see what I did there) before pitching long enough to see himself become the villain.  Either that will happen or he will become Two-Face.  The choice is his.

Ivan Nova:  Another wildcard in the Yankee rotation as fans will look to see if he is the good kind of SuperNova that pitches well and produces beautiful images of space or the bad SuperNova that pitches poorly and destroys everything in its path.  Yes, I have been watching Cosmos thanks for noticing.

Masahiro Tanaka: Anything less than 20 wins and a 2.00 ERA will be counted as a colossal failure.  No pressure.  No pressure at all.

Michael Pineda:  By virtue of simply being on the roster makes us the winner of the Montero to the Mariners trade.  If he wins a few games, we are simply playing with the house’s money.  But really he should win some games and be good because c’mon already, like seriously guys.

Bullpen

Dellin Betances:  Impressed in the spring and could work his way up to setup man.  No bad joke, I just feel there should be at least one factual statement in this article.

Shawn Kelley:  Should really just change his name to Sean Kelly.  It’ll be easier for all of us. 

Vidal Nuno:  Better a Nuno on the team than a Nunez (I’m not really a fan of Eduardo Nunez).

David Phelps:  Always the bridesmaid, ah David Phelps.  One day you will walk down the aisle to a consistent starting spot and when you do you’ll look beautiful.  Oye look away I’m a mess right now.

David Robertson:  Replacing a longtime fan favorite is tough, but replacing the greatest closer of all time is a piece of cake.  Look for Mr. High Socks to get the benefit of the doubt if he doesn’t immediately perform like the greatest closer of all time because fans are rational beings not at all prone to hysterics.

Matt Thornton:  For some reason I think he’s not going to be all that great.  I don’t know why, I just have this feeling.

Adam Warren:  Has a name that would make him perfect for cleaning up small Texas towns as a deputy Sherriff, but what do I know.  If he wants to turn his back on his destiny to be a long reliever for the Yankees that his mistake to make.

So there you have it, the 2014 New York Yankees.  Let’s win one for the Captain and the fans because it has been an insufferable 4 years without a ring.  Oh, the horror.  The horror.