The NBA Finals Conspiracy

For me, the biggest question in the NBA Finals will be how the Miami Heat basketballing organization responds to the air conditioning fiasco of Game 1.  It is obvious to any eagle eyed conspiracy observer (or am just I being redundant) that the faltering air conditioning system at AT & T Arena was Adam Silver counter fixing the series in an effort to convince the masses that the NBA is not rigged and that it is merely a coincidence that the Heat receive 95% of the calls.  Silver knew that the excessive heat would cause Lebron James’ godlike powers to dissipate and turn him into a mere mortal besieged by rather hilarious cramping.  The endgame was that Lebron James became a punch line for a few days (while quietly centering his rage for a potentially explosive Game 2) and the Spurs are feeling high and mighty.  Well done, Adam Silver I say, as he played his part rather exquisitely.  But now with the counter fix of Game 1 in the rearview mirror, the Spurs have to be anxious about their upcoming visit in Miami.  Sure there is still a second game to be played in San Antonio, but all eyes are on what the staff at the American Airlines arena concocts to, how should I say this, fuck around with the Spurs team.  Below, for your reading/conspiracy enjoyment, I have laid out some of the possible plans Pat Reilly and the rest of the Miami Heat Organization may have in store for the Spurs for their trip to South Beach.

1)      Despite the fact that it will anger a sizable number of South Florida residents, the Heat will engineer a plan to shut down all early bird dining options in an effort to throw Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili off their games and deprive them of a delicious 4:30 PM skirt steak.  Then to add insult to injury, the Heat organization will postpone every Mahjong game in the area to start after Game 3’s tip-off.  At the bare minimum this will drive Ginobili and Duncan to hilarious, hilarious, old man tears and lead them to grumble about how things were different back in the day.  They will be unprepared mentally and physically unable to compete at a high ability forcing them to sit out the pivotal match.  

2)      Random critically acclaimed Eva Longoria films will be left around American Airlines arena, explained with a simple “just because”.  Tony Parker is immediately suspicious due to the commonly held belief that Eva Longoria has never starred in a critically acclaimed feature film.  To investigate his suspicions, Tony Parker forces the Spurs video crew to waste valuable time examining each DVD while they vainly try explaining to Mr. Parker that Miss. Longoria was not the lead in Vertigo.  Distracted and dismayed, Tony Parker skips the Spurs practice to see the Hitchcock film and becomes convinced that Longoria is being possessed by Carlotta Valdes and the possession was the real reason they got divorced.  Parker disappears into a world of obsession and is in no shape to participate in a crucial Game 3.  Also that recurring leg problem surfaces but whose going to buy that story?

3)      The Miami Heat realize that one the Spurs are a deep team and have role players who could easily be great players if they were on lesser teams.  One would think that the way to break up the Spurs strong bench unit is to create internal discord over touches and minutes, but the Miami Heat’s staff operates on a higher level of sabotage.  Instead, the Heat decide to create too much unity and an overload of camaraderie within the Spurs bench unit so that they can’t function.  The Spurs bench forms their own direct democracy and will only execute a play or something as simple as a pass unless a super-majority of bench players agree with the decision.  Each possession ends up in a spirited but well-intentioned debate on what to do and inevitably ends in a shot clock violation.  Gregg Popovich will be forced to rely on heavily on his starters and in the process of wearing them out; he discovers a new found appreciation for fascism.  As for how the Heat will accomplish this, I suspect they will feed some sort of pheromone into the air vents or leave out some poorly written manifestos by 1^st year political science students.    

I have laid out three dastardly plans that the Heat may use against the mighty San Antonio Spurs, should they feel their normal advantages prove insufficient.  Regardless of what happens tonight for Game 2, this series is shaping up to be a good one for our inner conspiracy theorist and I for one, welcome giving in to our more paranoid beliefs.