Lou Reed: NYC Man

Lou Reed was and still is the definition of New York City cool.  The man was a legend and I feel lucky to have seen him.  I never got the chance to see him in concert, but rather I was able to see him as King Neptune in the Mermaid Parade with his wife Laurie Anderson a few years ago.  I was late to the Lou Reed scene, as I considered him just a knock off Dylan.  A good friend of mine turned me on to his music with the Velvet Underground and I quickly realized how deeply wrong I was.  His voice, the lyrics, the glam, and the punk all drew me deeper down the rabbit hole of intense fandom, but it was his connection to New York City that sealed the deal for me.  Lou Reed to me is the essence of why New York City is the coolest place in the world.  He was a walking embodiment of all the greatness of this city.  And he hated Long Island.  That was just another plus for me.

When I saw him at the Mermaid Parade with my friend, I was a relative novice to the man’s work.  I loved the Velvet Underground and Nico, knew all the hits from Transformer, and was in the midst of listening to "Rock & Roll" every other minute.  He was just sitting there on a parade car or something, drinking a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee, looking either bemused or slightly mad.  Me and my friend got as close as we could and started shouting out the lyrics to “Satellite of Love” hoping to draw a response from the legend.  He just keep on moving, not even acknowledging our yelling.  I was slightly disappointed.  I wanted him to react to me and my friend being assholes.  I wanted him to get out of his car and find me in the crowd and punch me in my goddamn face and break my nose.  Or for him to just look me in the eyes and tell me to fuck off.  At the time I wanted a Lou Reed story, but I was also glad I got to see him in person.  Just being in the presence of the man was an honor enough.  He truly is one of the best.  I wish I had been able to see him in concert.

My favorite parts of Lou Reed’s discography are the popular favorites.  I love everything he did with the Velvets, especially the live ’69 versions of “Rock & Roll” and “Pale Blue Eyes”, “I Found a Reason”, “Beginning to See the Light”, and “I’ll be Your Mirror”.  Also everything on Transformer, Coney Island Baby, Street Hassle, the mid-eighties classics of The Blue Mask, Legendary Hearts, New Sensations (“Doin’ the Things That We Want To” is one of Dylan’s favorite tracks), and New York.  "The Power of Positive Drinking", "Billy", "Sally Can't Dance", and Rock N' Roll Animal are also favorites.  I admit I haven’t listened to more than the stray song past the New York album, but I suppose now is a good time to fill the gaps.

Lou Reed is one of the best and one of my favorites.  He’s a true original and gave some of the best interviews and music I’ve ever had the privilege of listening to.  He did what he wanted and let the rest of us catch up to him.  My only regret is that he didn’t break my nose when he had the chance.  We would have both enjoyed it.  The man with the blue mask and the legendary heart will be missed.     

Why I've been Slacking

Lately, I’ve been laying low on the posting of articles or curios that express my somewhat unique take on whatever catches my interest.  This isn’t due to me not caring anymore or plotting out my revenge to any negative comment I’ve received on Though Catalog (did I mention I have articles on Thought Catalog) or due to me watching every episode of Eastbound and Down.  The third part is a little true, but only because it is a great show.  No, I’ve hit a standstill because I have very shitty internet service. 

I’ve still got ideas, but that fucking internet just won’t work.  I have been slowed to a crawl and have been left to ponder how the world is reacting to my dearth of postings.  The images it conjures have not been pretty.  My original plan of using Passenger Pigeons to send my thoughts to the internet was not as successful as I hoped due to the fact that the Passenger Pigeon has been extinct for around a hundred years.  For this plan to work only a Passenger Pigeon would have sufficed.  Using any other creature would have been plain foolish.

In my absence from the blogosphere, I have been laying low, curled up in a corner waiting for the day I can unleash my ramblings to a fluctuating public.  During my absence from recording my every thought, I have been rewarded through enjoyment of the brisk fall air.  That has been quite an invigorating reward indeed.  I enjoy the spoils of the material world, rather than the spoils of the virtual plane.  There is true beauty in enjoying this fall season.

In reality though, I just wished my computer would connect to the wireless.  How can I check to see what fake jobs have been offered to me of late if the wireless isn’t working?  Checking email on a phone is barbaric; I am a civilized man.  Those empty bars with the red x just haunt me.  Disconnect from a system is never easy, and this case is no different.  Every missed post is a wasted opportunity to check my daily views count and bask in the satisfaction that it is more than zero.  Every new country to view my work adds another undeserved layer to my already huge ego.  I cannot bear the fact that my new thoughts and rambling are not being recorded for my massive, intelligent, attractive, and sage followers. 

In conclusion, it may be light postings for the next week, but I’ll try my best to get it out to you guys.  So keep reading and sharing!

Love,

The Author

p.s - I have no idea why the first line in each paragraph is not indented.  It looks weird.  Sorry about that.

Cheap and Petty

So Cheap, So Petty

I’m always game to add a bit of jerky or petty annoyance to another person’s day.  It’s one of those things that help me to keep on keepin’ on.  Here are some fun, petty things to do when you need to amuse yourself at the expense of others:

1)       Go in an empty elevator and put your back to the door (this usually works better with a friend).  Every time the door opens, the people outside will assume that the elevator is packed to the gills.  But you fooled them.  Count how many times somebody mutters “I’ll catch the next one”.  Never leave the elevator. 

2)      In the office I currently work in, there are two urinals and two stalls in the bathroom.  When somebody is using one of the urinals and there is a stall to spare, the new person usually goes to the stall.  Not I say me.  I proudly stand next to that uncomfortable person (it always happens to be somebody who can fire me) and let freedom ring.  I encourage anybody to try this out just to see the look on somebody’s’ face when you break the unwritten rule of bathroom decorum. 

3)      This one I credit to my friend, KidSuper.  There is heavy traffic and the walk signal has just turned red.  The cars are rearing to go, but fuck them; you want to walk across the street.  You have somewhere to go and you won’t wait for some car to cut you off.  Instead of waiting for the light to change or sprinting down the street, run across the street like an idiot.  Flail your arms or hop and skip and just look like you are having the utmost fun.  It’ll put a nice big smile on your face, and bring a healthy dose of road rage to those drivers.  Be careful to keep running when you hit the bike lanes or the drivers will get a good laugh of their own.

4)      On the subject of the bike lanes, make sure to cut them off as much as possible, or get really close to them, and then bow out of the way.  I mean bow in the sense of give a dramatic curtain calling bow.  It’s fun to taunt those on a bike.

5)      Tell everybody that as a young person you are invincible and will live forever so don’t talk to me about consequences.  Then be careful not to get into a serious injury until you reach middle age.  Then go crazy.  But until then, be very cautious as not to invoke a hearty dose of irony.

6)      Use lines from European art films in everyday conversations.  I enjoy telling people that “I want to be immortal and then die”.  If they don’t get the references, just shake your head in shame.

7)      Military crawl whenever the opportunity arises.

8)      When a person on the street is asking for signatures or donations to a charity, respond to them in your most perfect English that you do not speak any English and these are the only words I know.  You’ll be surprised at how many people find that funny.

9)      Be a walking contradiction and a host of hypocrisy.

What are some petty, inconsiderate things you enjoy doing?  Be that guy and comment below? 

Compulsive Rankings

Let’s play the game (you read and I'll play) that keeps me awake for no good reason:  Who had a better year:

The Yankees or Bob Dylan

1962 – Yankees win the World Series in a classic seven game series over the Giants, Bob Dylan’s debut album is considered a flop.  Good songs, but it's no World Series.  Yankees

1963 – The Yankees get swept in the World Series behind the dominant Dodger’s pitching.  Bob Dylan releases The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan with classic like "A Hard Rain’s a Gonna Fall", "Blowin’ in the Wind", "Masters of War", and "Don’t Think Twice it’s All Right".  A legendary album is better than a World Series flameout.  Dylan

1964 – The last hurrah of the Yankees dynasty falls at the hands of Bob Gibson and the Cardinals in a seven game series.  Bob Dylan releases the Times They are a-Changin’, and Another Side of Bob Dylan with classic songs like "It A’int Me Babe", "The Times They are a-Changin’", and "Chimes of Freedom".  Gotta give it to Dylan again.

1965 – The Yankees suffer their first losing season since 1925 as their core players age overnight (sound familiar).  Bob Dylan goes electric and records Bringing It All Back Home and Highway 61 Revisited which contain too many classics to name ("Like a Rolling Stone", "Mr. Tambourine Man", "Subterranean Homesick Blues", basically every song on both albums).  Dylan wins in a landslide. 

1966 - The Yankees slide further into despair with their first last place finish in a while.  Bob Dylan records Blonde on Blonde, which cements his growing legacy as just the best.  Dylan again in a blowout.

1967 - The Yankees are still stuck in the second division doldrums.  Bob Dylan releases John Wesley Harding which helps to bring on the back to basics movement in rock and roll.  Also, it is my favorite album.  Dylan wins by my bias (he would have won without it).

1968 – The Yankees post a winning season for the first time since 1964.  Dylan stays quiet to enjoy the confines of family living.  The Yankees season of mediocrity wins by default.

1969 – The Yankees take a step back and finish a game under .500.  Bob Dylan releases Nashville Skyline, a pleasant and beautiful country-rock excursion.    Bob Dylan wins it if only for "Lay Lady Lay".

1970 – The Yankees have a comeback season and win 93 games, but lose the division to the juggernaut that is the Orioles.  Bob Dylan releases the first real dud for his career with his stop paying attention to me album, Self Portrait, but rebounds four months later with New Morning.  Gotta give this year to the Yankees.

1971 – Another step backwards for the Bronx Bombers as they revert to their .500 ways.  Bob Dylan releases his Greatest Hits Vol. 2 with some great new songs.  Dylan wins for "I Shall Be Released" and "You A’int Goin’ Nowhere".

1972 – The Yanks stay stuck inside of 500 with the pennant blues again, while Dylan stays all quiet on the musical front.  The Yankees by default.

1973 – The Yankees fall just below .500 in another frustratingly middling season.  Columbia decides to get revenge on Dylan for signing with a new record label by releasing outtakes from his previous worst album to create a new worst album in Dylan.  In reality both lose, but the Yankees don’t lose as badly as Dylan did.

1974 – The Yankees finish 2 games out of the division lead after a late season swoon, while Bob Dylan releases Planet Waves with The Band, and the live album, Before the Flood.  Dylan wins because Before the Flood has those beautiful acoustic numbers.  And his yell singing is great.

1975 – The Yankees season doesn’t even matter because Bob Dylan releases two seminal classics in his catalog.  Blood on the Tracks becomes the go to album for jilted lovers and simply one of the most moving albums I've ever heard.  The Basement Tapes exposes the brilliancy of the old, weird America (Greil Marcus quote).  Dylan by a mile. 

1976 – Chris Chambliss blasts the Yankees out of a glorious 5 game ALCS struggle with the Royals, only to find themselves utterly dominated by the Big Red Machine.  Bob Dylan releases gypsy madness in the form of his Desire album and on the road in the Rolling Thunder Revue.  Epics like "Hurricane" and "Isis" cement one of his most popular albums ever.  A real tough one, but a World Series sweep leaves a bad taste in the mouth.  Dylan by the hair of Scarlett Rivera’s violin string.

1977 – Mr. October blasts three homers as the Yankees beat the Dodgers and reignite a classic rivalry.  Dylan spends the year getting divorced in a messy, public trial.  Winning the World Series is a lot more fun than getting a divorce.  Yankees.    

1978 – Bucky Fucking Dent completes the glorious Yankees comeback over the Red Sox with his go ahead 3 run homer over the Monster and also goes on to win the World Series MVP as the Yankees storm back to win another series over the Dodgers.  Thank you Graig Nettles.  Dylan records a divisive album in Street Legal in which critics have no idea on how to correctly disparage it.  Is it Dylan does Neil Diamond or Dylan goes Las Vegas?  It doesn’t matter because "Changing of the Guard", "Senor", and "Where Are You, Tonight?" are songs of a epic proportion.  But coming back to beat the Red Sox is more satisfying and impressive.  Yankees!

1979 – A tragic year in Yankees history as the captain, Thurman Munson, dies during the season.  The Yankees finish out of the division race and miss the playoffs.  Bob Dylan decides to become a Christian and more specifically, the crazy kind.  Slow Train Coming is the best Christian album I’ve ever hear (the only one for that matter) and his tours have a crazy, antagonist quality that had not been seen since the ’66 tour.  Gotta give it to Dylan for the intensity of those tours and "Slow Train".

1980 – The Yankees steam roll through the regular season with 103 wins only to get swept by George Brett and his Royals.  Didn’t see that one coming.  Bob Dylan goes further down the Christian hole and records Saved, which is Slow Train Coming, but worse.  The strength of the regular season gives 1980 to the Yankees.

1981 – The Yankees survive a strike shortened year, only to lose to the Dodgers in the World Series after holding a 2 – 0 lead.  Why would you take Tommy John out in Game 6?  He was winning!  Bob Dylan sort of rebounds with Shot of Love, but a mild comeback can’t beat a pennant flag.  Yankees.

1982 – The Yankees suffer their first losing season in a while, while Bob Dylan takes the year off.  A default win never felt so good for the Yankees.

1983 – The glorious Don Mattingly era starts in the Bronx and a nice rebound season commences.  Huzzah!  Dylan records Infidels which is seen as a return to secular and good music.  Those songs sound like they could be written today ("Union Sundown").  I’ll give it to Dylan, because why not.

1984 – The Yankees somehow manage to stay competitive in the year of that amazing Tiger team.  Dylan works with Mick Taylor to make a good live album in Real Live.  I’ll give it to the Yankees.

1985 – Apparently winning 97 games isn’t good enough as the Yankees lose the division by 2 games to the Blue Jays.  The bastards.  Dylan releases Empire Burlesque, which has some good songs despite the overproduction.  Also, the music video for "Tight Connection to My Heart" is just bizarre.  That’s the reason this year goes to the Yankees.

1986 – The Mets and the Red Sox in the World Series?  Thank god I wasn’t around to see that travesty.  Still the Yankees had a pretty good year.  Dylan continued his descent into his 80s fog with Knocked Out Loaded, saved only by the inclusion of "Brownsville Girl".  The Yankees get this one easy.

1987 – Another good year for the Yankees that results in nothing.  Such is life though.  Bob Dylan spends the year touring.  I’ll give it to the Yanks.

1988 – The Yankees keep sliding down towards .500, but have a decent year none the less.  Dylan on the other hand, releases two bad albums in Down in the Groove and Dylan and the Dead.  The Traveling Wilburys Vol 1 still shows that when he wants to, Dylan can make a gem (I'm giving him credit for the songs on that super group album).  And Dylan got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before they just inducted everybody.  Still Down in the Groove gives this yearly award to the Yankees.

1989 – Seeing a Yankees team under .500 is just unnatural and sad.  They’re the Yankees!  Meanwhile, Dylan release a great swampy comeback in Oh Mercy.  The Man in the Long Black Coat wins this one.

1990 – The Yankees continue that road to the bottom by finishing with their worst record in a long time.  Just awful.  Dylan follows up his grand comeback with two lackluster album in Under the Red Sky and the Traveling Wilburys Vol 3.  But he didn’t finish in last place, so I’ll give it to Elston Gunnn.

1991 – The Yankees start the slow climb back to decency with a small improvement over last year.  Bob Dylan releases the first volume of the Bootleg Series that is as awe inspiring as it is groundbreaking (Biograph was also great).  Dylan wins it with a retrospective.

1992 – It’s getting better, slowly but surely, but still under 500.  Bob Dylan releases his first acoustic standards album since his debut.  He is finally old enough to sing these songs.  Dylan.

1993 – Paul O’Neill and Wade Boggs bring this organization up to snuff with a good season.  Dylan releases the best of his acoustic standard albums with World Gone Wrong.  The liner notes are killer.  His haunting versions of these old classics are why I’ll give this year to Bob.

1994 – Without that strike Don Mattingly would have won the World Series.  It’s just too sad.  Dylan releases a greatest hits collection with a great new song in “Dignity”.  I’ll give it to the Yankees because Don Mattingly deserves better.

1995 – What a burn.  They couldn’t do it for Donnie Baseball and he played his goddamn heart out in that series.  Dylan stays quiet releasing a live album.  The Yankees did play in an all-time series, so Yankees all the way.

1996 – Jeter, Pettitte, and Rivera help deliver the Yanks to the promise land after 18 years as Atlanta is besieged by Yankees for the first time since the Civil War.  Dylan spends the year touring.  Touring is no World Series.  Yankees by a country mile.

1997 – One of the few times the Mariano has looked mortal.  They should have won that series.  Dylan records one of his best albums in Time out of Mind and reminds everybody why he is a genius.  The ghost of electricity beats the Yankees for the year.

1998 – The greatest team of all-time against the greatest live album of all-time.  This is the hardest decision as these are two heavyweights at the peak of their powers.  It just seems cruel to designate a winner.  This will be the only cop out as the winner is both of them.  I feel just blessed to have memories of both of them.

1999 – Back to back series wins, and a nice victory over the Red Sox.  The Yankees played a beautiful '99 season, while Dylan continues to spend his every waking moment on the road with one of his best bands.  A World Series sweep gives '99 to the Yanks.

2000 – If the Yankees would have lost to the Mets, they would have disbanded the franchise for a few years.  But they didn’t and they beat a lot of better teams to win their third World Series in a row.  Dylan wins an Oscar for "Things Have Changed".  I’ll give it to the Yankees because it was fun to see the despair on the faces of many a Mets’ fans.

2001 – The flip.  Beating the best regular season team in history.  November baseball and the heroics of Games 4 and 5.  Then came the bottom of the ninth in Game 7 and the balloon burst.  Still a thrilling postseason and one of the greatest World Series to ever be played by man (I can’t judge other World Series held on other planets).  Dylan continues his comeback with Love and Theft, an album that screams joy on every listen.  Just divine.  I’ll give it to Dylan because that bloop single still haunts me.

2002 – A great regular season leads to a flameout at the hands of that rally monkey.  Dylan releases performances from The Rolling Thunder Revue, which gives him the year.

2003 – Aaron Fucking Boone completes another great comeback against the Red Sox only to see the Yankees lose a 6 game series to the Marlins.  I’ll let that sink in.  The Marlins.  Meanwhile, Dylan stars in his own movie, Masked and Anonymous, that is as bizarre as a Bob Dylan/Larry Charles movie could be.  Aaron Boone and his delicious homer win this for the Yankees.

2004 – I have successfully repressed the finish to this Yankee year in my mind, so I assume it wasn’t that good.  I do recall A Rod slapping a ball or something.  Dylan releases a Live 1964 album where the jokes are as good as the songs.  A point for the guy wearing the “Bob Dylan mask”.

2005 – The legend of A-Rod failing in the playoffs starts as the Yankees lose in 5 to the Angels.  They did have a good regular season.  Dylan release the soundtrack to No Direction Home and the outtakes are as vital as the originals.  Dylan wins because he didn’t win the MVP and then proceed to bat .133 in the playoffs.

2006 – The first of those dreaded Tiger playoff match-ups.  Why do they always kick our ass?  On the flip side of things, Dylan releases his third straight masterwork in Modern Times.  No competition here as Dylan takes the year.

2007 – Another MVP, another lackluster postseason for A Rod (he did get better).  Torre should have taken the team off the field once those midges entered.  Dylan releases another greatest hits collection.  This year goes to the Yankees because they had a fun regular season.

2008 – No playoffs for the first time since 1993.  Well, at least the Red Sox didn’t win the Pennant or the World Series.  Plus the stage was set for the great spending spree of 2009.  Dylan releases Tell Tale Signs, another wonderful collection to the Bootleg Series.  His outtakes are better than most people’s main catalog.  Dylan for the win.

2009 – After all the talk about the Yankees buying World Series, the Yankees finally bought a World Series.  And it was glorious!  A Rod finally decided to show up to the October party and was automatic in any clutch situation.  Bob Dylan released a pleasant album in Together Through Life and a real shocker in Christmas in the Heart.  "Must be Santa" is a great music video.  Christmas covers cannot compare to a World Series victory.  Yankees.

2010 – After beating up again on the Twins and stealing Game 1 from the Rangers, the Yankees get steam rolled in the rest of the series.  Bob Dylan releases his old demos from the beginning of his career.  Good stuff as usual from the Bootleg Series.  Bob Dylan wins.

2011 – The Yankees outscore the Tigers by 11 runs and still lose the series.  At home no less.  Dylan releases a live album from an early part in his career.  The Yanks get this one because they hit 3 grand slams in a row during a game and they also contributed to the Boston collapse.  What a glorious time.

2012 – Once Derek Jeter went down in Game 1 of the ALCS, it was over.  The Division Series and Ibanez heroics were amazing, but the sweep to the Tigers was just awful.  They had nothing.  In the 50^th year of his career, Dylan releases Tempest, a blood soaked and profoundly great album with new classics such as "Pay in Blood" and "Tin Angel".  I loved it.  So Dylan.

2013 – The worst Yankees season since 1992, but not that bad considering they were putting out Triple A teams for a majority of the year.  It was Gardner, Cano, and the rest for a long time.  This season was doomed from the moment Jeter went down in the playoffs last year.  Dylan makes a puzzling move by releasing outtakes from Self Portrait, in Another Side of Self Portrait.  Here we see some of Dylan’s best singing and some spectacular covers.  Bravo to Dylan.

Finale Count

 Yankees: 24  Bob Dylan: 27  One Tie : 1998

Do you agree with my rankings?  Do you have any suggestions on other things to compare? Comment below!

Is it B or C: The Test Writer

I see you are struggling to pick between two choices on a multiple choice question.  The two answers are so similar, yet only one can be right.  Is it B or C, who really knows?  Well I know.  And that’s because I made the test and the question.  I took a great joy in designing that twister of a query.  I took special pride in making those answer choices so similar.  It is one of my favorite questions in the test.

Have you noticed that you haven’t had bubbled in a D yet.  I’m not implying anything or trying to get you crazy, I’m just saying that is strange to go through the first 20 questions and not get a single D.  You had five Cs in row but not one D.  Seems a bit suspicious, eh?  That doubt I’ve instilled is just a perk of writing these questions.  I’ve made you doubt your own abilities just because you think you’ve fallen into an arbitrary answering pattern.  It took me three whole days to write these 20 questions, but seeing the look of bewilderment and frustration on that weary face of yours has made two of those days totally worth it.  Nothing can ever make that third day worth it based on the horrors I’ve seen.  The unadulterated horrors….

Excuse me that took a turn for the Brando.  Let us return to that test.  Ah, you’ve reached the short answer.  I’m hoping you didn’t use trial and error because you’re going to have to explain how you got there.  I want to see every step written down in the king’s immaculate English.  Is there any greater annoyance on a test than “show your work”? 

Of course there is a greater test taking annoyance and it comes in the form of one of my favorite devices, the indispensable “all of the above” or “none of the above”.  All of the above wastes valuable time by forcing you to review every answer choice.  Time that could be better spent working on the next problem, or going back to finally decide if it is B or C.  All of the above causes a time delay annoyance, but “none of the above” causes the real panic.  It took you four whole minutes to solve this albatross of a question only to find that your solution does not match up with the four choices that have been mercifully provided.  You could have made a mistake in those careful calculations, so why not take even more time and check your work again.  Everything seems to check out and the only thing preventing you from penciling in that E choice is that gnawing sense of self-doubt.  Oh it’s those little moments of student fear that I live for.

So think of me when you have to take that next impossible standardized test.  I spent a long time making it just perfect.  Every moment you are stuck between two choices, think of me.  I did that on purpose.  I thank you for falling into the trap that is question 17.  I applaud you for staring at none of the above for a longer time than it took you to actually solve the problem.  Those moments are the reason I do what I do.  The eye roll when you have to explain such a self-explanatory problem helps me go to bed satisfied at night when I feel like sleeping. 

You read me right.  I don’t sleep.  I’m always up, thinking of new improbable situations to put someone in for the purpose of giving you a hard time at school tomorrow.  I’m thinking of the perfect name to accent each question.  Without the name Darius, Question 13 would make no sense.  It would fall flat and I would not be doing my job correctly.

Enjoy the test and think about how I control your pretty little future in my hands.  If you correctly answer a majority of the 50 multiple choice questions and the 10 short response questions you get to move on with your life and answer the queries my colleague Daniel has slaved over.  If you fail, I suppose we will be meeting again next year.  And the pleasure will be all mine; I’m certain of it.  By the way the answer is A, not B or C.  Got ya again.

That Electoral Madness

This is the first year I have been eligible to vote in a New York City Mayoral election and I could not have been more excited to start the mayoral process by casting my vote in the Democratic Primary.  I studied the race extensively, and followed all the candidates and the unfortunately sordid actions that surrounded the proceedings.   Apparently I didn’t follow the television ads that well, because I could not find my favorite candidate when I entered the ballot box; Bill de Blasio’s son.  That kid just seems like a really cool guy and the leader we need to enact some real liberal change after 12 years of the Bloomberg.  Mr. Destroyer of term limits and “fuck everybody but the rich” has overstayed his welcome.  We do thank you for trying to turn New York into a European city (I enjoy the bike lanes and the emphasis on parks and walking spaces.  Let’s have some more of that).  So imagine my shock and disappointment when de Blasio the younger was nowhere to be found on the ballot box.  A sullen election worker told me that he wasn’t running for Mayor and that I’d have to pick somebody else.  She said I wasn’t the first voter to get that disappointing answer.  So I re-entered the booth and surveyed the voting box for my next choice.  But again, my candidates’ name was nowhere to be found.  I hated to be the guy who holds up the voting process, but I figured I was far quicker than the three people in walkers who had preceded me.  Before I could even mouth my electoral query, the election worker gave me another soul crushing answer.  “Bill de Blasio’s daughter is also not on the ballot.  Yeah, I know, she would have been a good mayor too.”  We both nodded and before I re-entered that booth of broken dreams, the lovely election worker told me that Bill de Blasio’s wife was also not running.  It was only 11 in the morning but the resignation in her voice told me it had been a long day.  She was far removed from the freshness of the morning and the delirious joy that accompanies the end of a long day of grueling work.  She was smack-dab in the middle of her shift and in a purgatory of electoral madness.

I shuffled my way back into the booth and pulled the curtain to survey if there was anybody who could compete with my first three choices.  It was a toss-up between Bill de Blasio and Bill Thompson; both good men and good public servants.  But who should I pull my ultimately meaningless vote for?  Which candidate would get to revel in the fact that I, Jason Thompson, wanted them to represent the Democratic Party in the 2013 New York City Mayoral election?  While the questions posed early seemed like they would take eons of thought, I arrived at my decision rather quickly.  I pulled the lever for Bill de Blasio.  I figured that once in power, he could enact the only spoils system I would ever support and give his immediate family cushy government jobs.  That sounds like a good mayor to me.  So, I voted de Blasio and walked out of the room listening only to the sounds of election workers diligently telling the uninformed that Bill de Blasio’s son was not on the ballot and they’d have to pick a new person.   

Generations Upon Generations

I can’t wait to get older and criticize the next generation for their perceived failings.  Just when they hit that age of maturity and develop civil sensibilities, wham, I’m going to talk about how they dress so much skankier than the girls of my time did.  No matter what good they are collectively doing, I’ll make sure it doesn’t impress me in the faintest degree.  I’ll simply said its' been done before, but better.  Ha, that’ll teach those smug fucks to think they can improve the world my generation helped to mess up.

 I cannot wait to say the phrase, “back in my day”, and mean it sincerely.  God, that'll feel so good.  Back in my day, our music was produced by actual humans not the Beatmaker 3000!  Bam, they won’t know what hit ‘em.  Probably because they are not as smart as my generation for we were the best and every generation after us is just copying our greatness. 

It’s going to be a good day when I have the power to write a million think pieces about how selfish and self-absorbed this new generation is.  I can picture it now: “The Help Me First Generation – Why Our New Generation Thinks Only about Themselves”.  Classic condescension.  While writing that essay, I’ll conveniently leave out anything written about my generation because the people that wrote about us were clearly out of touch.  Those people had no idea what they were writing about; they could barely even use the internet. 

It is going to be a golden day on this beautiful planet when I can sit back and tell everybody that the SNL cast of my day was so much more talented than the hacks preforming today (except for that hot girl and the fat guy).  I’ll revel about the glory days of film when they shot on digital and not on whatever scary new technology they are using today.

Or how about, back in my day, politicians used to stand firm in their beliefs rather than obeying to a system of muddled down compromises.  We used to believe in what we were fighting for and would threaten the whole country just to guarantee we got what we wanted and screwed over as many people as possible.  Back in my day, a lobbyist is what a politician became after he retired; it wasn’t merely the same thing.  I pray for that future day when I can have a faux nostalgia about a truly horrific time in American politics.

I just cannot wait for the day when I can be disgusted by the next generations’ loose morals.  In my day, we only had friends with benefits and sexting, not some new thing that’ll make me wish I had been born ten years later.  It’ll be fun to hide my jealously at the more progressive and looser sexual atmosphere of the next generation through some good old fashioned slut shaming. 

In conclusion, bring on the next guys because I am sick of hearing about why every out of touch generation thinks we millennials suck.  I want to be out of touch and jealous and angry that I’m not relevant anymore!  I want to yell at the new guys for being not me.  I just want to keep believing my generation's fifteen minutes of supreme cultural relevance hasn’t expired yet.

NBA Preview: Atlantic Division

Let us finish our discussion about the NBA with a breakdown of

The Atlantic Division

Brooklyn Nets

Last Years’ Finish: Like most things in Brooklyn, not as good as Manhattan.

Best Player: Deron Williams – Is looking forward to deflecting any team failure on his new teammates and coach.

Best New Arrival: Kevin Garnett – His legendary trash talking abilities have been further enhanced by living in Brooklyn for the summer.

Strengths:  The Brooklyn chant is effective not only as a cheer, but also as a mocking jeer.  Very few fan chants boast that kind of flexibility.  Paul Pierce and Joe Johnson will each be known affectionately around the league as “that fuck who shot 4-18 from the field yet still hit the game winner.”

Weaknesses: Still not the biggest draw in the Barkley Center.  The only team people want to see in Brooklyn is still the Dodgers.

Team’s Stated Goal: To dethrone the Heat and win the NBA finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To drink the blood of the New York Knicks and their fan base.

Boston Celtics

Last Years’ Finish:  Like a zombie that just won’t die!

Best Player: Rajon Rondo – He will insist this season that any rebound he gets or points he scores must be turned into assists.

Best New Arrival: Gerald Wallace – It’s gonna be a long year in Beantown.

Strengths: If Rajon Rondo seems disgruntled this year it will actually be for a good reason.  Jeff Green has a good last name for a Celtic player.  

Weaknesses: Lost the heart and soul of their team to Brooklyn resulting in them being one of the weakest metaphysical teams in the league.  Kelly Olynyk uses y as the vowel in his last name. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop Rondo into a superstar and have him lead the team into the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To finally take down those pictures of Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett.  The healing has to start some time.

New York Knicks

Last Year’s Finish: FUCK ROY HIBBERT. 

Best Player: Carmelo Anthony – Still asking himself why he thought he could win a championship with the Knicks.   

Best New Arrival: Metta World Peace – In all likelihood it is probably Andrea Bargnani, but I just felt so dirty even attempting to type his name in this spot.

Strengths: J.R. Smith and Metta World Peace will combine to create one of the funniest locker rooms of all time.  Amare Stoudemires' Jewish roots have led to the Knicks having the best lox in the game.

Weaknesses: Spike Lee still causes the Knicks to lose an average of 4 winnable games a year.  James Dolan runs the Knicks like George Steinbrenner ran the Yankees in the 1980’s.  Poorly.

Team’s Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To be better than the Brooklyn Nets.

Philadelphia 76ers

Last Year’s Finish: There was more interest in Andrew Bynum’s hair than in the team.  So, not good.

Best Player: Thaddeus Young – It could be a number of okay players, but having a name like Thaddeus Young really makes one shine out from the litter.

Best New Arrival: Nerlens Noel– The 76ers traded all-star Jrue Holliday to get him, so no pressure.

Strengths – Will making tanking an art.  Voluntarily signing Kwame Brown to play for your team will cause Stephen A. Smith’s head to explode.  

Weaknesses – The Brotherly love only lasts so long when a team starts to slide real fast.  They will have to quickly adjust to playing basketball against vastly better opponents.

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players and rebuild.

Team’s Real Goal: To be so bad that they acquire the 1^st through 8^th slots in the draft lottery.

Toronto Raptors

Last Years’ Finish: We have a basketball team, eh?

Best Player: Rudy Gay – He never gets sick of hearing the “Rudy” chant.

Best New Arrival: Tyler Hansbrough – Will enjoy making his mark as that annoying white guy on a new team.

Strengths: There is no pressure due to the population being wrapped up in the far more exciting hockey season.  Demar DeRezan will DeScore a DeLot of DePoints. 

Weaknesses: That plan to overpay Landry Fields to snatch up Steve Nash really worked out guys.  Nice job.  They have to hear two national anthems at every game.  One is annoying enough.

Teams’ Stated Goal: To compete for a playoff spot.

Teams’ Real Goal: To lobby the NBA to allow hockey sticks on the court.

This wraps up my NBA preview.  Hope you enjoyed it.  Comment below with some of your predictions and picks if ya like.

NBA Preview: Central Division

Let us continue with our discussion about the NBA with a breakdown of

The Central Division

Chicago Bulls

Last Years’ Finish: Like watching a gritty 70’s Scorsese movie, but set in Chicago.

Best Player: Derrick Rose – Will somehow suffer a major injury despite playing the entire season in protective casing.

Best New Arrival: Mike Dunleavy – Will stretch the floor for the Bulls by setting up in the 3^rd row of the stands.

Strengths:  Joakim Noah will win the “I hate that fucking guy!” award from every opposing fan base.  Now that Derrick Rose is back, Tom Thibodeau will ease the pressure on Loul Deng and only play him 46 minutes per game.

Weaknesses: Tom Thibodeau has decided to play even more ugly and unwatchable basketball.  Carlos Boozer still refuses to deal with his last names’ alcohol problem.  

Team’s Stated Goal: To dethrone the Heat and win the NBA finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To infuse Derrick Rose with adamantium.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Last Years’ Finish:  The opposite of how Lebron James’ season ended.

Best Player: Kyrie Irving – It is considered an honor for an opposing player to be crossed up by this young man.  

Best New Arrival: Andrew Bynum– Even if he has an off season, he will be a league leader in Bleacher Report sidebar posts.

Strengths:  Kyrie Irving finally gets to play basketball among multiple players who have played the game before.  Jarrett Jack and Tristan Thompson will form a powerful alliterative duo. 

  

Weaknesses: If any player gives a negative glare at Coach Mike Brown, the owners will immediately fire Mike Brown. They are one of 29 teams NBA teams to not have Lebron James.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To travel back in time to before “The Decision” and get their shit together.

Detroit Pistons

Last Year’s Finish: Bad, but still one of the more positive stories in Detroit.

Best Player: Josh Smith – Will enjoy the challenge of playing in another overstuffed frontcourt. 

   

Best New Arrival: Josh Smith – He only signed with the Pistons to appear in this bullet point.

Strengths: Andre Drummond can now block opposing players with his mind.  Their announcer has elongated the phrase “Detroit Basketball” to Whitney Houston like levels.

Weaknesses: Brandon Jennings still does not understand why players other than him have to shoot the ball.  Chauncy Billups only has so many great stories from the 2004 championship teams to tell.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs. 

Team’s Real Goal: To option Malice at the Palace into a Ken Burn’s style documentary.

Indiana Pacers

Last Year’s Finish: As good as you're gonna get playing against the Chosen One in his prime.

Best Player: Paul George – Will stop at nothing to make sure Danny Granger never regains this spot.

Best New Arrival: Luis Scola – Will add to the Pacers’ tough defensive identity by becoming their designated flopper.

Strengths – Will try to impress Reggie Miller even more by making every Knick player cry next season.  David West has never gotten lost on his way to the stadium.

Weaknesses – Roy Hibbert will not stop telling everybody about how his block saved their season.  The way Frank Vogel speaks when he is mic’ed up.  It just sounds weird.

Team’s Stated Goal: To dethrone the Heat and make the NBA Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To acquire a selfish superstar and stop this “team basketball” nonsense.

Milwaukee Bucks

Last Years’ Finish: Went nowhere fast.

Best Player: Larry Sanders – He also hosts a great talk show.

Best New Arrival: OJ Mayo – Vowed never to drink the food and beverage concoction his name creates.

Strengths: Caron Butler is happy to be home and making people happy is what this business is all about.  They have a famous fan in Aaron Rodgers.  That’s exciting!  

Weaknesses: Garry Shandling is suing Larry Sanders for copyright infringement.  They are still lobbying Kareem Abdul Jabbar to suit up for them.

Teams’ Stated Goal: To compete for a playoff spot.

Teams’ Real Goal: To finally settle down with a nice doe.

NBA Preview: Southeast Division

Let us continue with our discussion about the NBA with a breakdown of

The Southeast Division

Atlanta Hawks

Last Years’ Finish: Same as it ever was.  Same as it ever was.

Best Player: Al Horford – He is finally the best player on the Hawks.  It was his only wish on the cursed monkey paw he bought in Marrakesh that came true.

Best New Arrival: Paul Millsap – He is excited to play for a team with another dominant center who will overshadow all his accomplishments.

Strengths:  Kyle Korver looks like Aston Kutcher, so expect a confused Mila Kunis to attend many Hawks games and give a reason for the Hawks players to try hard.  Lou Williams has a smooth basketball name.

Weaknesses: The fans come out for big games, but only to root for the other team.  No matter how many different players they acquire, they will never get farther than winning two games in the second round of the playoffs.   

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs and make a surprising run.

Team’s Real Goal: To never give up on the dream to acquire Dwight Howard.

Charlotte Bobcats

Last Years’ Finish:  Not the worst season in NBA history –because that was set by them the year before.

Best Player: Al Jefferson – He was sick of the disappointment of always being so close to making the playoff, so he decided to go to a team that would never come close to being relevant.  

Best New Arrival: Al Jefferson – Will regal his teammates of what it’s like to be on a fringe playoff team.

Strengths:  They are changing their name next year to the Hornets, so at least their gear will be cool again.  We may get to see Michael Jordan return for a game and if we are lucky, he may also bring back assistant coach Patrick Ewing for a Space Jam reunion.

    

Weaknesses: Their best players may be a 50 year old Michael Jordan and a 50 year old Patrick Ewing.  Any breakout player will be traded by March for a disappointing haul.

Team’s Stated Goal: To be competitive in each game and to make some strides in the winning direction.

Team’s Real Goal: To have the Michael Jordan Bobcats jersey hit number one in jersey sales.

Miami Heat

Last Year’s Finish: Expected and thrilling, but still very evil.

Best Player: Lebron James – Will spend this season teasing every fan base so that the heartbreak is so much sweeter when he signs a 7 year extension to the Heat.  

Best New Arrival: Greg Oden – Once he plays in 10 consecutive games, he will retire saying he has accomplished all he set out to do.

Strengths: Lebron James is the only player to perceive the game in the 4^th dimension, giving him another edge over everybody else.  Chris Bosh will lead the league in most .gif-able moments.

Weaknesses: Ray Allen will no longer be accountable for any mistakes because of Game 6.  Pat Riley has decided to let Erik Spoelstra coach for real this time.

Team’s Stated Goal: To win 3 in a row. 

Team’s Real Goal: To win 3 and a row and then have the musical Damn Yankees rewritten about them.

Orlando Magic

Last Year’s Finish: As fun as going to Epcot Center.

Best Player: Nikola Vucevic – Enjoying his time in Orlando before he leaves to a more successful franchise.

Best New Arrival: Victor Oladipo– His dream to play in the NBA has been compromised by learning it would be with the Magic.

Strengths – There is nothing more heartwarming than watching a young team and picking out which players your favorite franchise will sign in 3 years.  After every win they get to go to see the Magic Kingdom fireworks.

Weaknesses – Jameer Nelson still refuses to believe that Dwight Howard is not on the team.  Glen Davis is still going by the nickname Big Baby.

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players and become an exciting team to watch.

Team’s Real Goal: To stop the Lakers from signing all their great players.

Washington Wizards

Last Years’ Finish: If only John Wall was here all year.  Then we’d be laughing at you.

Best Player: John Wall – Is the only person in D.C. who is competent at his job.

Best New Arrival: Al Harrington – Seems to be on a new team every year.  What’s the deal man?

Strengths: Is the least dysfunctional organization in Washington D.C.  Has mastered the art of the filibuster and will try to employ it in as many situations as possible.   

Weaknesses: Nene has to be one of the least intimidating names in the league.  The ghost of Gilbert Arenas still haunts the clubhouse.

Teams’ Stated Goal: Sneak into the playoffs as an 7^th or 8^th seed.

Teams’ Real Goal: If they lose any game, would like to successfully shut down the NBA.

NBA Preview: Southwest Division

Let us continue with our discussion about the NBA with a breakdown of

The Southwest Division

Dallas Mavericks

Last Years’ Finish: The beginning of an agonizing journey to basketball purgatory.

Best Player: Dirk Nowitzki – Already won best NBA commercial of the year with his “Hump Day” parody ad.     

Best New Arrival: Monta Ellis – He will try to be a less selfish player and will make it a mental note to only attempt 30 field goals per game.

Strengths:  Acquired the most fabulous player in the league, Fab Melo.  Jose Calderon can show his point guard prowess on a mediocre team rather than an awful one.    

Weaknesses: The team has yet to pass the first round of Shark Tank.  Shawn Marion or “The Matrix” now believes he is here to kill a “Mr. Anderson”.    

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To stage a version of Debbie Does Dallas that is actually set in Dallas.

Houston Rockets

Last Years’ Finish:  Much like the voyage of Apollo 12.

Best Player: James Harden – Finally decided to play support for the family of fleas living inside his beard.

Best New Arrival: Dwight Howard – Decided to switch teams in order to massively disappoint another fan base.

Strengths:  The pressure will be lessened on Jeremy Lin, so he may finally live up to the hype and become a functional point guard.  Kevin McHale is a natural born storyteller.  He just rocks a story. 

Weaknesses: The Houston newspapers still use the headline “Houston We Have a Problem” when the team loses.  A little stale, fellas.  The team has yet to develop an icy relationship with Dwight Howard.

Team’s Stated Goal: Gain home court advantage in the first round of the playoffs and make a deep run.

Team’s Real Goal: To finally get Chandler Parsons on a Tiger Beat cover.

Memphis Grizzlies

Last Year’s Finish: Better than the fate of the polar bear.

Best Player: Marc Gasol – He and his brother are tied for the league lead in most pretentious first name spellings.

Best New Arrival: Mike Miller – Has decided to repeat the previous two years of being disappointing in the regular season to make any game he plays in the playoffs look amazing.

Strengths: Kosta Koufas has the best name for NBA fans to say five times fast.  Zach Randolph has finally seen the movie Friday, rather than just pretending it was his favorite movie.

Weaknesses: The team has not been able to stop being “Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blue Again”.  Quincy Pondexter is not the Professor of Quantum Physics his name makes him out to be.  

Team’s Stated Goal: To make a deep playoff run, possibly with an NBA finals berth. 

Team’s Real Goal: To animorph into actual grizzlies.

New Orleans Pelicans

Last Year’s Finish: Depression (say it like Cajun Man).

Best Player: Anthony Davis – Did the right thing this summer and trademarked his unibrow instead of  improving his game.

Best New Arrival: Jrue Holiday– His presence will give the team the excuse to play the song “Holiday” by Madonna.

Strengths –Not the same team as last year.  That was smart.  The only thing not undersized about Tyreke Evans at the 3 is his heart.

Weaknesses – I could come up with a million more representative names for New Orleans than that of a big mouthed bird.  Like, uh the New Orleans somethings, come back to me.  Eric Gordon is still able to come up with valid reasons for him to be disgruntled with the team.

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players and compete for a playoff spot.

Team’s Real Goal: To give out as many free beads as possible (wink wink)

San Antonio Spurs

Last Years’ Finish: Repressed.

Best Player: Tony Parker - Tony Parker is only here because it is funny to see Tim Duncan cry.

Best New Arrival: Marco Belinelli – Will attempt to up his game to the description of spicy meatball.

Strengths:  Greg Popovich is one of the all-time greats in displaying contempt to the media.  Look for him to continue with another strong season of sarcastic and hostile answers.  Tim Duncan has somehow become even more fundamentally sound.   

Weaknesses: Manu Ginobili will cut down his flopping to every other defensive possession.  They also must continue to live with the fact that Charles Barkley hates their city.  It is their cross to bear. 

Teams’ Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals.

Teams’ Real Goal: To set the record for most boring basketball played of all time.

NBA Preview: Northwest Division

Let us continue with our discussion about the NBA with a breakdown of

The Northwest Division

Denver Nuggets

Last Years’ Finish: Solidified their role as everybody’s favorite underachiever.

Best Player: Ty Lawson – Spent the off season trying to convince fans that he is better than a good player, but worse than a superstar.  

Best New Arrival: Nate Robinson – A good step to destroying the team first attitude of the Nuggets.

Strengths:  JaVale McGee will probably continue to lead the league in appearing on Shaqtin a Fool.  New head coach Brian Shaw will demand respect by saying he knows Phil Jackson.    

Weaknesses: NBA Players plus marijuana usually doesn’t lead to great results.  Have a lack of miner gear despite being called the nuggets. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To make a deep playoff run.

Team’s Real Goal: To somehow bring Denver closer to sea level.  They can’t breathe up there.

Minnesota Timberwolves

Last Years’ Finish:  Like the Minnesota winter, cold and bitter.

Best Player: Kevin Love – His only drawback is that he may have to miss some time to help his uncle, Mike Love, piss off more members of the Beach Boys.

Best New Arrival: Kevin Martin – He needed a calm environment after the hustle and bustle that comes with playing in Oklahoma.  

Strengths:  They have decided to put their timber wolf mascot in a cage rather than let it roam around the stadium.  Ricky Rubio has decided to call his plays out in English, rather than attempt to teach the squad Spanish.

Weaknesses: The team has a tendency to lose games so they will have to make an effort to stop doing that.  Kevin Love has put up a clock counting down how much longer he left with the team.  Not a good sign.

Team’s Stated Goal: Make it to the NBA playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To make sure their most popular jersey sold isn’t still Kevin Garnett.

Portland Trail Blazers

Last Year’s Finish: They don’t subscribe to your system of “wins” and “losses”.  They had 33 experiences versus 49 teachable moments.

Best Player: LaMarcus Aldridge – Signed a lucrative endorsement contract with Portland’s premier biodegradable sneaker company.

Best New Arrival: Robin Lopez – Nothing says successful NBA player like fashioning your look after Sideshow Bob.

Strengths: Damien Lillard is looking forward to following up a successful rookie season with an even more successful sophomore slump.  They will also be holding more of the popular wine and cheese give away nights.   

Weaknesses: Anybody who could appreciate the name Trail Blazers has been dead for over 100 years.  They also have a French player who is not named Tony Parker.

Team’s Stated Goal: To sneak into the Playoffs. 

Team’s Real Goal: To have a road trip where nobody dies of dysentery.

Oklahoma City Thunder

Last Year’s Finish: Thunderstruck, but in a bad way.

Best Player: Kevin Durant – Claims he is sick of coming in second in every category, so he is aiming for third place this year.

Best New Arrival: Ryan Gomes – He is the only new arrival.  Apparently he plays basketball?  Who knew?

Strengths –Russell Westbrook is the second best player on the team.  Let that sink in for a moment as you think about your teams’ best player.  Serge Ibaka’s nickname of Serge Iblocka is one of the best in the game.  

Weaknesses – A team from Oklahoma in the Northwest division?  Talk about bad geography.  Kendrick Perkins still believes he is playing for the Boston Celtics. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To destroy James Harden’s soul anytime he is near them.

Utah Jazz

Last Years’ Finish: It wasn’t about the games they played, but about the games they didn’t play.  Free form!

Best Player: Derrick Favors – It really was a tie with a number of players, but I did Derrick a favors (drop the mic, leave the stage).

Best New Arrival: Richard Jefferson – If only because his name sounds like that of an English explorer from the 1700’s.

Strengths:  Their team consists of many tall players which is essential for a basketball team.  Finally decided to fire the medical staff who decided to heal cuts and wounds in the Great Salt Lake.

  

Weaknesses: The team has the collective skills of a jazzman raised in Utah.  None of the players know how to scat.  Terrible. 

Teams’ Stated Goal: To see some results on their developing young talent.

Teams’ Real Goal: To resist the urge to put on the John Stockton short shorts.

NBA Preview: Pacific Division

This year the Yankees are not in the playoffs, and thus, baseball has lost all meaning to me.  The next sporting event I have to look forward to is the beginning of the NBA season.  To celebrate the upcoming NBA season I will expertly breakdown each division.  To show how different I am from the rest of these so called “analysts”, I will start with the Pacific Division and work my way to the promise land that is the Atlantic Division.  In full disclosure I am a Knicks fan, so if any bias shows at least you know the reason why.

The Pacific Division

Golden State Warriors

Last Years’ Finish: Average for a normal team, glorious if you support the Warriors

Best Player: Stephen Curry – Has spent all summer finally perfecting his broken ankle face.

Best New Arrival: Andre Iguodala – Nothing says team loyalty like defecting to the side that beat you in the playoffs.

Strengths:  Being name Golden State creates a wondrous and positive state of mind for the team.  David Lee sports the best chin scruff in the game. 

Weaknesses: The disappointment that their home arena is in Oakland.  A nickname of Dubs gets them in frequent trouble with the police.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make it to the Western Conference Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To wear as many short sleeved jerseys as possible.

Los Angeles Clippers

Last Years’ Finish: Mauled.

Best Player: Chris Paul – Spent a trying summer after he found out that Cliff Paul was not his real brother but rather, just a lame corporate tool.

Best New Arrival: J.J Redick – He took the nickname J.J because his real name of January Jones caused him mass confusion with the acclaimed actress.

Strengths:  They know how to dunk the ball.  That’s a handy skill.  They finally hired a coach who is acquainted with the sport of basketball.

Weaknesses: Will have to limit Blake Griffin’s playing time as to not interfere with his true job of endorsing products.  Even for home games they are required to use the visitors’ locker room.  You think the Lakers would share a room with them?

Team’s Stated Goal: Make it to the NBA Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To finally slay the beast that is the Los Angeles Lakers and take their rightful place at the head of the City of Angels.

Los Angeles Lakers

Last Year’s Finish: Hilarious to anyone outside of the Laker community.

Best Player: Kobe Bryant – All time winner of the prestigious Best Sidekick to Shaquille O’Neal award.

Best New Arrival: Nick Young – Possess all the worst components of Kobe Bryant’s game and is not afraid to show it.

Strengths: Kobe Bryant’s twitter account is one of the best in the business.  Mike D’Antoni will finally have the aging players he needs to run his fast, young man offense.

Weaknesses: Phil Jackson used that Laker’s voodoo doll very effectively last season.  Expect that to happen again this year.  If Kobe Bryant has to sit out due to last season’s Achilles injury, Pau Gasol and the rest of the Lakers could go seriously under criticized.

Team’s Stated Goal: Make it to the Playoffs and be competitive.

Team’s Real Goal: To have more nationally televised games than more deserving teams.

Phoenix Suns

Last Year’s Finish: A flameout (a quality pun)

Best Player: Marcin Gortat – Strikes fear in his opponents by having a classic Eastern European low level gangster’s name.

Best New Arrival: Eric Bledsoe – Adds a touch of class by ending his name with an e rather than a vulgar w.

Strengths – Their new logo will distract fans from how bad this team is.  Also, fans will get to enjoy young players develop before they are given away to better franchises.

Weaknesses – They will be disadvantaged by having to compete against real NBA teams.  They will probably fare poorly against them.  This is a young team and they may be shaken by opposing fans boos.  They must learn to not take it personally.

Team’s Stated Goal: To be competitive and develop their young talent.

Team’s Real Goal: To finally organize that team trip to the Grand Canyon.

Sacramento Kings

Last Years’ Finish: Surprisingly, in Sacramento.

Best Player: DeMarcus Cousins – Will try to repeat and win the “Most Publicly Disgruntled with his Franchise” award.

Best New Arrival: Ben McLemore – Would rather be known for his jump shot than for his last names’ resemblance to rapper Macklemore.

Strengths: They have a point guard named Isaiah Thomas.  That is usually a good name for a point guard.  Carl Landry was willing to come back to his former team.  What a nice guy.

Weaknesses: The arena is called Sleep Train Arena.  Not very intimidating.  For a team called the Kings, they have a remarkable lack of jewelry and crowns.  They need to look more regal.

Teams’ Stated Goal: To be competitive and develop into a good ball club.

Teams’ Real Goal: To change their name to the Sacramento Queens so they may finally wear their tiaras.