NBA Preview: Southwest Division

Let us continue with our discussion about the NBA with a breakdown of

The Southwest Division

Dallas Mavericks

Last Years’ Finish: The beginning of an agonizing journey to basketball purgatory.

Best Player: Dirk Nowitzki – Already won best NBA commercial of the year with his “Hump Day” parody ad.     

Best New Arrival: Monta Ellis – He will try to be a less selfish player and will make it a mental note to only attempt 30 field goals per game.

Strengths:  Acquired the most fabulous player in the league, Fab Melo.  Jose Calderon can show his point guard prowess on a mediocre team rather than an awful one.    

Weaknesses: The team has yet to pass the first round of Shark Tank.  Shawn Marion or “The Matrix” now believes he is here to kill a “Mr. Anderson”.    

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To stage a version of Debbie Does Dallas that is actually set in Dallas.

Houston Rockets

Last Years’ Finish:  Much like the voyage of Apollo 12.

Best Player: James Harden – Finally decided to play support for the family of fleas living inside his beard.

Best New Arrival: Dwight Howard – Decided to switch teams in order to massively disappoint another fan base.

Strengths:  The pressure will be lessened on Jeremy Lin, so he may finally live up to the hype and become a functional point guard.  Kevin McHale is a natural born storyteller.  He just rocks a story. 

Weaknesses: The Houston newspapers still use the headline “Houston We Have a Problem” when the team loses.  A little stale, fellas.  The team has yet to develop an icy relationship with Dwight Howard.

Team’s Stated Goal: Gain home court advantage in the first round of the playoffs and make a deep run.

Team’s Real Goal: To finally get Chandler Parsons on a Tiger Beat cover.

Memphis Grizzlies

Last Year’s Finish: Better than the fate of the polar bear.

Best Player: Marc Gasol – He and his brother are tied for the league lead in most pretentious first name spellings.

Best New Arrival: Mike Miller – Has decided to repeat the previous two years of being disappointing in the regular season to make any game he plays in the playoffs look amazing.

Strengths: Kosta Koufas has the best name for NBA fans to say five times fast.  Zach Randolph has finally seen the movie Friday, rather than just pretending it was his favorite movie.

Weaknesses: The team has not been able to stop being “Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blue Again”.  Quincy Pondexter is not the Professor of Quantum Physics his name makes him out to be.  

Team’s Stated Goal: To make a deep playoff run, possibly with an NBA finals berth. 

Team’s Real Goal: To animorph into actual grizzlies.

New Orleans Pelicans

Last Year’s Finish: Depression (say it like Cajun Man).

Best Player: Anthony Davis – Did the right thing this summer and trademarked his unibrow instead of  improving his game.

Best New Arrival: Jrue Holiday– His presence will give the team the excuse to play the song “Holiday” by Madonna.

Strengths –Not the same team as last year.  That was smart.  The only thing not undersized about Tyreke Evans at the 3 is his heart.

Weaknesses – I could come up with a million more representative names for New Orleans than that of a big mouthed bird.  Like, uh the New Orleans somethings, come back to me.  Eric Gordon is still able to come up with valid reasons for him to be disgruntled with the team.

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players and compete for a playoff spot.

Team’s Real Goal: To give out as many free beads as possible (wink wink)

San Antonio Spurs

Last Years’ Finish: Repressed.

Best Player: Tony Parker - Tony Parker is only here because it is funny to see Tim Duncan cry.

Best New Arrival: Marco Belinelli – Will attempt to up his game to the description of spicy meatball.

Strengths:  Greg Popovich is one of the all-time greats in displaying contempt to the media.  Look for him to continue with another strong season of sarcastic and hostile answers.  Tim Duncan has somehow become even more fundamentally sound.   

Weaknesses: Manu Ginobili will cut down his flopping to every other defensive possession.  They also must continue to live with the fact that Charles Barkley hates their city.  It is their cross to bear. 

Teams’ Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals.

Teams’ Real Goal: To set the record for most boring basketball played of all time.