NBA Preview: Northwest Division

Let us continue with our discussion about the NBA with a breakdown of

The Northwest Division

Denver Nuggets

Last Years’ Finish: Solidified their role as everybody’s favorite underachiever.

Best Player: Ty Lawson – Spent the off season trying to convince fans that he is better than a good player, but worse than a superstar.  

Best New Arrival: Nate Robinson – A good step to destroying the team first attitude of the Nuggets.

Strengths:  JaVale McGee will probably continue to lead the league in appearing on Shaqtin a Fool.  New head coach Brian Shaw will demand respect by saying he knows Phil Jackson.    

Weaknesses: NBA Players plus marijuana usually doesn’t lead to great results.  Have a lack of miner gear despite being called the nuggets. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To make a deep playoff run.

Team’s Real Goal: To somehow bring Denver closer to sea level.  They can’t breathe up there.

Minnesota Timberwolves

Last Years’ Finish:  Like the Minnesota winter, cold and bitter.

Best Player: Kevin Love – His only drawback is that he may have to miss some time to help his uncle, Mike Love, piss off more members of the Beach Boys.

Best New Arrival: Kevin Martin – He needed a calm environment after the hustle and bustle that comes with playing in Oklahoma.  

Strengths:  They have decided to put their timber wolf mascot in a cage rather than let it roam around the stadium.  Ricky Rubio has decided to call his plays out in English, rather than attempt to teach the squad Spanish.

Weaknesses: The team has a tendency to lose games so they will have to make an effort to stop doing that.  Kevin Love has put up a clock counting down how much longer he left with the team.  Not a good sign.

Team’s Stated Goal: Make it to the NBA playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To make sure their most popular jersey sold isn’t still Kevin Garnett.

Portland Trail Blazers

Last Year’s Finish: They don’t subscribe to your system of “wins” and “losses”.  They had 33 experiences versus 49 teachable moments.

Best Player: LaMarcus Aldridge – Signed a lucrative endorsement contract with Portland’s premier biodegradable sneaker company.

Best New Arrival: Robin Lopez – Nothing says successful NBA player like fashioning your look after Sideshow Bob.

Strengths: Damien Lillard is looking forward to following up a successful rookie season with an even more successful sophomore slump.  They will also be holding more of the popular wine and cheese give away nights.   

Weaknesses: Anybody who could appreciate the name Trail Blazers has been dead for over 100 years.  They also have a French player who is not named Tony Parker.

Team’s Stated Goal: To sneak into the Playoffs. 

Team’s Real Goal: To have a road trip where nobody dies of dysentery.

Oklahoma City Thunder

Last Year’s Finish: Thunderstruck, but in a bad way.

Best Player: Kevin Durant – Claims he is sick of coming in second in every category, so he is aiming for third place this year.

Best New Arrival: Ryan Gomes – He is the only new arrival.  Apparently he plays basketball?  Who knew?

Strengths –Russell Westbrook is the second best player on the team.  Let that sink in for a moment as you think about your teams’ best player.  Serge Ibaka’s nickname of Serge Iblocka is one of the best in the game.  

Weaknesses – A team from Oklahoma in the Northwest division?  Talk about bad geography.  Kendrick Perkins still believes he is playing for the Boston Celtics. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To destroy James Harden’s soul anytime he is near them.

Utah Jazz

Last Years’ Finish: It wasn’t about the games they played, but about the games they didn’t play.  Free form!

Best Player: Derrick Favors – It really was a tie with a number of players, but I did Derrick a favors (drop the mic, leave the stage).

Best New Arrival: Richard Jefferson – If only because his name sounds like that of an English explorer from the 1700’s.

Strengths:  Their team consists of many tall players which is essential for a basketball team.  Finally decided to fire the medical staff who decided to heal cuts and wounds in the Great Salt Lake.

  

Weaknesses: The team has the collective skills of a jazzman raised in Utah.  None of the players know how to scat.  Terrible. 

Teams’ Stated Goal: To see some results on their developing young talent.

Teams’ Real Goal: To resist the urge to put on the John Stockton short shorts.