Unrequited Tinder Love

Tinder has achieved a notoriety because it digitizes the bar scene experience (or so I like to believe).  Anyway a benefit to tinder is the passivity of the rejection.  Rather than a mean look or snide comment, rejection on here comes with delightful silence.  Your green speech bubble hangs out there waiting for a lifeline.  Below I would like to share for you some of my unrequited tinder love moments and perhaps we can discuss why they were left out in the cold to freeze.

Tinder 1:

 I like your black outfit

1 minute later: How’s it going

14 minutes later: Probably not my best opener…

3 days later: Or was it???

Analysis:  She was a bitch.  Also maybe too vague and boring?  Nah, I’ll put this one on her. 

Tinder 2: 

Michigan!!!

1 minute later: Or I assume based on the facepaint

10 minutes later: Or rather how’s it going? Lol

Analysis:  Again, she was a bitch.  Also never write lol.  But I’ll put the blame more on her.

Tinder 3:

I guess you and that possum are even

1 day later: Or not

5 days later: Im so honored to have matched with a famous person!

Analysis: Another bitch, I mean what are the odds that every girl that does not return my advances would be a bitch?  Crazy right?  Or maybe it was because she was over 50 miles away.  But again I can’t put all the blame on myself; this is no time for self-pity!  So I’ll settle on the first option.

Tinder 4:

You take a nice askew photo.

26 days later: Your nonaskew photos are also very nice.

34 days later: Or whatever you know

Analysis:  I’ll put the blame squarely on me for this one.  You just can’t form a relationship by sending a message every month.  And of course, I suppose she was a bitch because well I have a recurring punchline going that needs answering,

Tinder 5:

Whale skulls and sunflowers.  Could be an interesting band name.

Analysis: Sounds like a good band name  - for a bitch (the bite is back)!

Tinder 6:

Haha you wouldn’t happen to be a playboy bunny in that last pic would you?  I swear I have that same costume somewhere…

Analysis:  Perhaps I’m not as funny as I think I am.  No, that can’t be.  It’s the tinderettes that are wrong.

Tinder 7:

Sydney eh?? Enjoying life in NYC so far??

13 hours later: I’ll take that as a yes!

Analysis:  Who wouldn’t have a good time in New York, surely I can’t and I will not blame her for not responding.  Also not going to call her a bitch, I’ve moved past that (plus that bit was getting played out am I right).

So there it goes, my unrequited loves are up for all to see.  Enjoy and give me your thoughts and let’s work this out together while I’m in the reflective mood.  Or you could just not respond.  How apropos would that be? 

Hannukah/Chanukah/Channukkah/Hanukkah Questions Answered!

As Hannukah draws to a close (I believe tonight is the 7^th night), my mood has turned reflective as I’ve pondered another Festival of Lights gone by.  I’ve always thought of Channukah as the Jewish consolation prize to the cultural behemoth that is Christmas, but then again I’ve never really cared that much about Christmas in the first place.  I enjoy the holiday season and take a perverse joy in wishing people a Happy Hannukkah or a Happy Holidays instead of  a Merry Christmas (on days not labeled the 24^th or 24^th of December).  It’s just my petty way of striking back for every hung person in the whole wide universe (take a guess of who I stole these lyrics from).  A great Channukkah tradition is the answering of gentile (and even other Jews) questions about this lovely non-Christian related holiday.  So below I’d like to dole out some answers to some popular queries I’ve heard over the years and enlighten those who still go around asking me why I don’t celebrate Christmas.

1)      Did you ever believe in Santa Claus?  Did you ever feel left out of the whole Santa Claus thing?

First off that’s two questions – let’s keep it one at a time here people.  Also the second question is a bit vague but I’ll give it a shot.  I have never believed in Santa Claus and never felt left out of the whole Santa Claus mythos thing.  I took it as a badge of pretentious pride that I was never fooled into believing that I had to please some omniscient fat man in the hopes of getting a Lego X-Wing fighter.  My never believing in Santa Claus is the root cause of my false sense of superiority and my belief that I was always a step quicker than most of those in my age group.  

To the second question, I never did feel left out of the whole Santa mythos and I rather liked that.  I liked knowing that my presents came from my parents/esteemed family members instead of a mysterious immortal because I enjoyed the fact that my parents/esteemed family members went out of their way to give me a moment of joy.  I knew who to thank and enjoyed the fact that so many people wanted to make me happy.  Why what are you rambling about that’s not a tear, I just have something in my eye!  Jesus Christ people can I get a freaking minute over here!

Several minutes and many wet tissues later….

2)      What do you do on Christmas?

Ah a popular and important question.  I guess I’d have to go with the old Jewish clichés of seeing a movie, having a delicious dinner of Chinese food, and then drinking the blood of a newborn Christian baby before calling it a night.  Aside from aimlessly wandering the empty and closed streets with other Jews there is really nothing else to do aside from seeing a good holiday blockbuster, having a good dinner, and then topping it off with a nice Christian baby sacrifice.  Man, oh man just typing this stuff is getting me excited for Christmas!  I can’t wait.

3)      How does one spell Hannukah?

This is a tricky one.  I for one have no idea on how to spell Chanukkah and just put in a random assortment of n’s and k’s into the equation.  I’d say anything between Chanukah and Hannnnukkkkkkkah is about right.  I implore you to get creative with your spelling because who’s going to know/care?  If anyone points out a mistake tell them they’re jewsplaining (copyrighted!) or just being an Anti-Semite.  Problem solved.

4)        What is Hannukkah about?

Hanukah is about how a town with 14 Jews can force City Hall to erect a gigantic menorah to counter the overabundance of Nativity scenes and Christmas Trees while forcing everybody to say happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas.  In short, Channukah is about miracles!

5)      Why doesn’t Hannukah have a set date?

Because that would make too much sense (rimshot)!  But seriously, good question.  Very good question.  Next question please…

6)      Why don’t you celebrate Christmas – it’s more of a cultural holiday than a religious holiday anway?

Then explain to me things like Christmas Mass and the whole putting the Christ back in Christmas movement.  Christmas is about the day a certain Lord and Savior immaculately entered our mortal plane and made life a whole lot harder and worse for a specific group of Semites.  I’m not so keen on giving Mr. Good Intentions but burdened with horrible followers and translations a birthday bash.  I’ll sit this one out and light my little candles instead.

7)      Why is your menorah so cool?

My menorah is in the shape of a baseball diamond and when you press down on home plate, “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” plays.  So yes, my menorah is really cool. 

I think seven is a good place to stop as it is a lucky number for the Jews (and also everyone else).  I’d like to leave you with a message of Happy Holidays and blah blah blah you know whatever happy happy. 

The Junk Food Crisis

I’m getting old.  And by getting old I mean that I’m losing or have already lost my ability to eat copious amounts of disgusting, delicious junk food without feeling sick or regretting it.  Last night, a respected colleague of mine and I decided to get a collection of sweets and treats for the sole purpose of eating like we had each been dumped in a romantic comedy and I immediately regretted our choice of food.  There was too much sweetness and I keeled over in intense stomach pain like an old man.  I couldn’t do it.  I could not finish the bounty of processed sugar in front of me and my thoughts took a turn for the worse.  My careless youthful eating habits flashed before my eyes and I struggled with the thought of what it was like to eat junk food without any cause for concern.  An old love of mine had crippled me and I lay on the floor angry at my body for sudden betrayal into old boring age.  Would my snacking highlights just be relegated to chocolate covered almonds and the occasional Oreo?  I shuddered to think of that bleak future but then again I may have shuttered because my stomach was staging a revolt against my own body.  Needless to say, I would not be exiting the fetal position for a long while. 

Where had I gone wrong in my junk food life?  I tried to pick up the pieces and retrace my eating habits to pinpoint the cause of my sudden resistance to the worst things out there.  The first place my mind entered was that of the fast food kingdom and how I struggled to eat from any one of the famed burger chains without it being after 1 a.m. or me being fully in control.  The last time I had an afternoon meal at McDonald’s was on July 4^th (I was celebrating America in my own way) and the food almost took me out of commission for the long haul.  Every sip of soda from their absurdly wide straws brought visions of my blood pressure rising and with every subsequent bite of delicious hamburger I could feel my body gaining weight and entering a healthy BMI.  This horrified me as I raced from my health fears to my own personal fear of not being able to enjoy these empty calories and trans fats.  What was becoming of me?  The only fast food I could wholeheartedly tolerate was a sub from Blimpies or a delicious street hotdog but even those were not consequence free offerings (they had a staggering recovery time).  I was changing and I didn’t like it.

Fear not loyal reader as I can still tolerate a greasy burger, but truth be told it has to be a step up from McDonalds or Burger King.  It has to, nay, must be at least coffee shop quality and then I’m good to go.  My tolerance for junk is not what it used to be and I suppose that’s a good thing.  I’ve heard rumors that when you age your metabolism slows down and I am beginning to fear that those rumors may be true and *gasp* may be coming for me.  I guess my lack of tolerance for terrible food is a blessing in disguise.  But I am not at that point in my life where I am grasping for silver linings.  Eating unfettered junk food has now become a chore rather than a delight and is just another in a series of depressing anecdotes that prove I’m getting older and I can’t stop the coldness of inevitability.  The natural response would be to embrace the change and adapt but like most in the human race I am not as susceptible to change as I want to believe I am.  I’m at a crossroads here and I don’t know what to do when faced with another one of life’s minor crises that a bigger man would have brushed off easily.  What to do, what to do?  In short I have no clue other than to ponder the future of my fate and stare at the half eaten plastic box of gummy worms.  What to do, oh what to do.   

This Stupid Unequal Country

The only people who don’t understand the refrain “how many deaths will it takes till he knows that too many people have died” seem to exclusively serve on grand juries.  From Ferguson down to Staten Island our justice system has really failed us.  But it’s not just the justice system; it’s the people that serve in these juries.  To repurpose an old George Carlin line, maybe it’s the people that suck.  How could these grand juries not indict clear cut killers of unarmed black men?  It just makes no sense.   Granted the Ferguson case had some room (minimal at best) for doubt, but surely not the Eric Garner murder.  He was murdered plain and simple and the murder was captured fully on camera.  That calls for an indictment at the least.  The same calls for Ferguson and Michael Brown.  At least put these policemen on trial so that the evidence and case can be explored.  That’s what the indictment is.  It is a start towards justice for the unarmed black men who were murdered by two police officers.  This country has proved once again that life isn’t fair for those born without white skin (for more on this listen to “Only a Pawn in Their Game” by Bob Dylan).  How many of these deaths will it take for an indictment?  Will there be any justice for the family of Akai Gurley, another man shot down for absolutely no reason?  What will be the breaking point for the criminal justice system because we the general public have already reached our breaking point.  This reminds me of the Sandy Hook aftermath where 90% of Americans supported gun control regulations but the measures still couldn’t pass because apparently the 10% opposed served in Congress.  Today the only people who aren’t outraged by these murders of black men are serving on grand juries.  Even conservatives are coming out for indictment, like Judge Andrew Napolitano of Fox News.  This is a man who believes that Lincoln shouldn’t have fought the Civil War but is now coming out in favor of indictment.  You can’t get more and cut and dry than this case.  I mean Eric Garner’s death was ruled a homicide by the medical examiner.  A homicide in my understanding is a synonym of the word murder which means the unlawful killing of another person.  Did the people on the grand jury not know what that word meant?  I guess the only thing to say is that the answer to this and many questions may be blowin’ in the wind.  Blowin’ in the wind indeed. 

Stop saying black on black violence or black on black crime, the phrase reeks of racism.  It is just a lame dodge by people who refuse to look at the real issues like race and economic inequality.  I believe Larry Wilmore said it best on the Daily Show when he said we should just call it crime.  I agree with that and wish people would realize that most crime is intraracial.  We don’t hear the phrase white on white crime tossed around now do we?  When Bernie Madoff stole money from Elie Wiesel and Fred Wilpon it wasn’t called a Jew on Jew crime.  I call for a stop of this ridiculous Fox News term used to avert attention from the real issue of how minorities in this country aren’t treated fairly and equally.  Let’s start with that crime.

Nothing brings out the police like people exercising their 1^st amendment rights and marching against chronic injustice.  I was in Grand Central and saw at least 30 police officers rushing to areas with nobody in sight.  On the night of the Ferguson non-indictment I saw three to four rows of police officers with helicopters roving around the night sky for hours.  I can’t remember seeing this kind of police activity in Manhattan other than the aftermath of 9/11, when they had a real right to be out and about.  Police chief Bratton said that the cops showed great restraint in only arresting 200 protesters.  I guess restraint these days means they didn’t shoot anybody in cold blood.  We need better policing policies in this country and that starts with a more diverse and representative force coupled with a demilitarization of these squads.  That would be a real step for progress (I just want to pull the obligatory but true mention that most police are good cops and blah blah blah).  Below I have a couple of good links to a Bill Maher routine about police militarization and the Larry Wilmore bit referenced before.

Relevant Links and Articles

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/larry-wilmore-rants-black-black-753561 - Larry Wilmore

Bill Maher Police Militarization

My New Obsession: Trivia Crack

My new obsession has to be the new phone app called Trivia Crack.  For those who don’t know what Trivia Crack is, my answer is that you are thinking too hard and need to simply re-read the name of the app.  This is the phone version of Trivial Pursuit but with the added bonus of being quicker and loaded with questions about the events of the last 5 years.  The questions can range from hopelessly easily and general (what continent is Ellis Island on – real question) to devastatingly hard and specific (what year was Boston founded in with the choices being within a year of each other).  Either way, this game combines my love of trivia with my love of playing other people in trivia to demonstrate how much I enjoy showing off my knowledge of things people had previously laughed at me for knowing.  Oh how the tables have turned and now I get to be obnoxious on a whole other level.  There is truly nothing quite like correctly guessing the answer to some obscure college football question to vanquish a trivia foe.  These are our glory days.  I discovered this game over Thanksgiving due to my brother and we introduced it to our cousins which produced the quietest but also most intense Thanksgiving of all.  We sat down together in complete silence spinning a question dial and waiting for others to answer when we faltered.  The only sounds made were whimpers of “fuck” and “shit” and the occasionally gleeful “I win”.  It was the best Thanksgiving game ever and we all are still playing it obsessively.  My circle has grown to include contemporaries and friends as we all impatiently wait for the time when we will attempt to steal a crown and go further on our journey towards trivia/trivial domination.  Have I mentioned that this game has made me even more obnoxious?

Well it has but who cares, because in probably a week I’ll stop playing, but for right now I can’t get enough of this new obsession of mine which is why I’ve cleverly defined this habit as an obsession.  I invite all who are interested to play me for I can guarantee you are in for a (mostly) fair fight and a chance to become marginally smarter.  It’s bound to happen as you tend to get asked some similar questions that you can’t help but gradually memorize (thanks to Trivia Crack it is engrained in my mind that Suzanne Collins wrote the Hunger Games).  My major complaints with the game can be the broadness of the questions in the categories.  I’ve seen vocab definitions in the art section that have nothing to do with art (it was a query on synonyms).  Also the categories of entertainment, art, and history have a tendency to overlap but what are you going to do.  I guess it is up to the high exalted question maker to decide whether a question about Citizen Kane belongs in history or entertainment. 

So if you were asking the question of what I’ve been doing other than attending Bob Dylan concerts, I’d go with the answer of playing a phone trivia game that lives up to its name of Trivia Crack.  So why don’t you download the game and start a match against me.  Be advised that if you beat me more than three times in a row I will cease to compete against you because I am petty like that.  Or maybe I won’t and come back with a vengeance and zeal to beat my white whale.  Regardless, I am always down for a match of trivia.

The Weekend in Review: Bob Dylan and Star Wars

For the last two nights it has been my utmost pleasure to see Bob Dylan live at the Beacon where the man himself has put on two great concerts.  I’d say that the first one was better overall as his singing was stronger and he was more animated.  My only complaint about the shows was that he played the same setlist both nights, but I knew that coming into the shows as he’s had a rather static setlist of late.  The move towards a regular setlist may be the reason why he is in good vocal form as he and his great band have mastered each of the 19 numbers they barrel through.  I believe he picks and reworks songs to fit his voice which is why he emphasizes his later day material (also his later day material is great for anyone who thinks otherwise).   He only played four songs from the 60’s-70’s (“She Belongs to Me”, “Tangled Up in Blue”, “Simple Twist of Fate”, and “Blowin’ in the Wind”) but I was not disappointed as I enjoy the later material.  The highlights were “Love Sick” which was played with a growling intensity, “She Belongs to Me” (a beautiful song played with a driving and pounding melody), and “Long and Wasted Years” from the first night.  “Long and Wasted Years” was performed with ferocity and force with each line becoming more intense than anything that preceded it.  Everyone in the crowd was whipped into a frenzy as Dylan powered through each verse.  There were the usual calls (especially on the second night) for a return to older material, but not as many complaints or walk outs as I have seen at Dylan concerts.  The crowd for the most part knew what going to a Dylan show in 2014 entails and one fan jumped the stage but was immediately taken down by security.  Dylan didn’t miss a beat or seem to particularly notice the fan getting his ass kicked by security.  I guess that once you survive Soy Bomb and Newport 65, these things just all blend together.  The Minnesota Bard spends half his time at a grand piano next to a bust of Athena and the other half perched at the microphone whilst leisurely strutting around during the musical interludes coupled with his occasional harmonica solos.  Every song ends with him standing in front of the drums with his hand on his hip in a judging pose, as if he is surveying his audience to see if they are worthy of his precious time leading a quite the funny scene.  Again, the man has the taste for the dramatic.  The only words he spoke to the audience were his announcement that they would be taking a short break and even that was garbled.  The shows ended with him playing a gospel tinged Frank Sinatra cover, “Stay with Me’, that was better the second night, and was the perfect way to end both shows.  The song sounds like a plea to whoever’s listening and perhaps hints at the content of his next album (a rumored record of Sinatra covers).  The shows were great and I can’t wait to attend the next three shows he’s playing at the Beacon (Monday to Wednesday) and hope that he changes the setlist a bit because he is back in New York City and we sure do love him here.

The other big cultural event of my weekend was the Star Wars 7 trailer which I may have seen over a hundred times by now.  The teaser is simply amazing.  My brother woke me up (I was awakened like the force! – see what I did there) to watch it on his phone and I stood there in stunned silence after 88 seconds of pure Star Wars.  After each cut to black my eyes widened until the point where I probably looked like a cartoon character whose eyes had popped out of their sockets after seeing a sultry female.  The dirty droids and distressed people gave the look of a lived in Star Wars universe as opposed to the cold, CGI world of the prequels.  I have no problem with the lightsaber longsword as I just think it looks awesome.  I have no further analysis other than “oh shit that Sith looks pissed”!  The X-Wings over the water looks great, but the real prize was seeing the Millennium Falcon back in flight dodging its way through some Tie Fighters.  Instead of dogfights in space we may be privy to spaceships duking it out over water and sand so that would be a first.  All in all I don’t know if it is possible to not be excited for Star Wars after seeing such a masterful teaser.  I’ve been high on JJ Abram’s new film and this clip only puts my excitement into overdrive and promises that the wait until December 18^th 2015 will be excruciating.  All I ask is that we get a trailer with Luke, Han, and Leia for Christmas.  Then I’ll be able to calm down a bit until asking for another trailer.          

I temporarily saved the Knicks season. You're welcome!

I did it.  I prevented the apocalypse and I will gladly take any accolades thrown my way.  Normally I shun the spotlight and get embarrassed by having my accomplishments said out loud, but I will temporarily depart from this tried and true policy and basked in my achievements.  Now dear reader, you may rightly as, what do I, Jason Thompson the ever so witty, have to celebrate?  The answer to which should be painfully obvious to any faithful fan of the Ramblings with blah blah blog is that I guided the New York Knicks basketballing franchise to victory over the hapless and pathetic 76ers.  I wrote in m pre-game Thursday blog that I would be done with this team if they could not beat the collection of D League all-stars known as the 76ers.  The Knicks obviously realized the value of losing a passionate fan who has been to a grand total of two games over the past five seasons because of the team’s absorbent and undeserved high ticket prices.  But I have faith that somebody in the “gulag” that is MSG saw my post in their daily “whose trashing the Knicks now” Google search and decided to bring my eloquent discussion of the Knicks present failures to the exalted presence of either Phil Jackson or Derek Fisher.  I’m also positive that once my words were carefully examined, they were photocopied and sent out to all active players on the Knicks roster.  There my words were analyzed and pondered for the next two days before the team huddled under a rallying cry to “win one for the blogger”.  I like to think that’s what spurred on my favorite NBA franchise to victory rather than the fact that they played a squad hoping to luck their way to five wins this year.  So I will take any compliment or measure of good will directed either my way or the Knicks way because fellas I did it.  I helped the Knicks earn that elusive fourth win of the season without suiting up or even watching the entire first half due to prior commitments.  That in itself cements my commitment and place in helping the Knicks beat the physical embodiment of what’s wrong with the NBA draft lottery system. 

I will indeed enjoy this much deserved victory lap and hold off on my predictions and vague threats until the Knicks face the 76ers again because I’m not one to go out on a limb and dare the Knicks to beat the Rockets or the Mavericks.  My powers of suggestion only extend so far and I don’t fancy myself a major idiot.  Perhaps a minor idiot for still supporting this Knicks squad, but in no way am I a major idiot.  That is a line I dare not cross.  But as I watched yesterday’s game I realized I hit upon a great streak of luck by not being a fan of the 76ers.  The team from the City of Brotherly Love has a good shot of being the historically bad team of historically bad teams.  To charge fans to watch this disgrace of a team is wrong and the owners should be reprimanded for their disdain for the average fan.  In short, the 76er’s owners suck and I hope for the fan’s sake the team improves and the owners and team president gets banned from the game for “contempt for the fans”.  The only thing the fans have going for them is that their owners are not racist and I suppose that’s the closest the 76er’s will get to a win this season.  Zing!       

If the Knicks don't beat the fucking Sixers...

If the Knicks do not beat the winless and candidate for worst NBA team ever, the Philadelphia 76ers, on Saturday I do not know what I’m going to do.  I mean this in regards to my 2014-2105 Knicks fanhood because I have a general idea with what I want to do lately.  But man if the Knicks can’t beat the fucking Sixers it’s going to be bad, so very bad and will further confirm the laughingstock status of the Knicks.  I may be out for the year as it will convince me that this year is a tank job.  I severely doubt it because I am always an optimist/idiot with my sporting team allegiances as I never count them out of a game, but the Knicks aren’t even fun to watch anymore.  The games simply aren’t competitive as they seem to be down by at least double figures in every the third quarter.  At least mix in a heartbreaking last minute loss to change up the feeling of losing.  What makes this Knicks team so horrid to watch is the putrid defense, especially from the three point line.  The NBA has evolved into a three point shooting league where each team has a least one guy who can go off and kill you from behind the arc.  Defending the three point line should be essential for any team, but apparently this memo has not reached the Knicks.  I read on ESPN New York that Derek Fisher’s strategy is to focus on defending the paint while goading teams into shooting the three point ball.  This would be a good strategy if the players were at least contesting said three point shot.  Our opponents are taking too many open threes and, shocker, they are hitting them.  Players in the NBA will hit open shots a lot of the time because they are professionals (again this should not be a newsflash).  It has come to the point where if an opposing player jacks up an open three I have to look away because the result is too predictable and painful.  Fan we’re in for a long season.

A saving grace for the losing this year is that the Knicks do have a first round pick.  I have no clue as to whether this is a strong draft year but a top ten pick would be a nice addition to team with a lot of cap space for next season.  This year’s squad of Knickerbockers is a bunch of placeholders for next year when we fans believe in the idea that Phil Jackson will summon a free agent signing to be reckoned with.  Until that year, we have to suffer through missed rotations and ugly, ugly basketball.  The Knicks really do not have many good defensive players.  Shumpert is easily the best and until last night was becoming a nice complement to Melo on the offense.  But who else can take claim to being a standout defender?  I can only point to maybe Dalembert but the man is a black hole on the offense.  For the Knicks to win they are going to have to have a good game from Melo, over 12 points from Amar’e, and have a good game from at least one of the two guards (Shump, JR, or Hardaway).  Overal this year, STAT has been good on the offense but still isn’t a pristine defender while JR and Hardaway have looked mostly bad in the games played.  Those guys have to get going because as we saw last year, Melo can’t do it alone.  The man needs help.  So the question for Fisher is what line-up works with a team that really doesn’t possess any two way players.  I say that the starting lineup should be Calderon, JR, Shumpert, Melo, and Dalembert with Amare and Hardaway and Prigioni and unfortunately Bargnani as the main bench players.  This isn’t the best defensive line-up but let’s face it, the Knicks aren’t going to be a good defensive team either way.  I say we focus on the offense and try to win at least 23 games this season.  I say 23 because the Knicks have never lost more than 60 games in a season and I would hate to see that streak end just for a potential top ten pick.  For me, this is a pride issue and I’d like to see the streak intact.

The Knicks are still in the running for the 8^th seed as it is early and they still play in the Eastern Division.  I for one would love to see the Knicks sneak into the 8^th seed and compete in a playoff series.  But for now they better beat the 76ers because if they don’t, well I don’t know what will happen if they don’t.  Just know that I’m practicing new ways to contort my face in utter disgust because if they lose on Saturday, oh boy, is my face going to writher in ways it has never withered before.  So, GO NEW YORK GO NEW YORK GO NEW YORK GO!

Ummm, I suppose

They are the best of the last breed; a piece of a notion that never existed or perhaps it once did? Well for starters I have no clue as I just relay a story that has been told to me in years gone past and it just lingers on in my mind, waiting for an opportunity to escape and fight anybody who errs with them.  It’s not my call and surely it is not your fault but to be honest you had more to do with it than you think.  Again nobody is blaming you for any minor discretion or casual annoyance caused but then again I’m not saying you shouldn’t take a cold hard look into a mirror of your choosing.  Take your pick of a good mirror but if you want a really good reflection, may I suggest the bold selection of a make-up mirror?  A full visage lets you see down to your toes, but a make-up mirror, oh a make-up mirror focuses in on all the nasty little details hidden away.  May I further suggest that you put on a pair of dark sunglasses if the returning image is too strong?  I hear they’ve been known to help but from whom you’ll just have to take a few wild guesses.  Ramblings and ramblings is what I’m told this has devolved into, but who’s to say this wasn’t the intended purpose.  There is no linear meaning or direct significance to be gleamed from this unless you are me or the mirror vision of me.  It’s an abstraction of a feeling of a fleeting emotion that was once wrapped up in a diverging moment.  Well it’s either that or it could be an exercise where I fuck around.  I’ll leave that up to you and me dear reader for it could be both of these things just as well as it could be neither of these two options.  I wish my vocabulary was stronger and that I possessed a diverse set of words to employ in ramblings like these because the repetition can be damning and rather boring.  I have a thing against starting too many sentences with the same words and structures and this piece surely isn’t helping the cause.  But it is my task as the writer to keep pushing on and to forge through the emptiness of a page and/or canvas. 

So did the last breed in the first sentence of the last paragraph really exist?  I cannot answer that for sure as it would defeat the whole idea of this piece but I can divulge one key factoid of information.  They were not the best of a last breed as much as they were the luckiest of a last breed.  I hope that clears up any confusion regarding those first lines.  Luck has more to do with things then people wish to believe, but I like to embrace my luck and lack of luck in the hopes that it all evens out and I may come out ahead.  A pleasant thought indeed but it is wrapped in nonsense and coated with a thicker coat of nonsense.  Indeed we have reached the rare double layer of nonsensical thought but as said in an earlier writing, that is a topic for another more civilized time.  Unfortunately for us that time may have passed or have never existed but again I’m just the messenger.  I implore you not to shoot or at least go for my leg. 

As we reach the end of our time together before Thursday’s writing I must ask the question of what did we learn?  Could we both know this was a colossal waste of time wrapped in some nonsense but again I tend to believe that is a discussion for a more civilized time.  I like to think that not everything has a major overreaching purpose and can just exist for the enjoyment of the author and the distinct feeling he gets when he types a bunch of ramblings thoughts.  Writings like this allow him to shut off his left brain and allows his right brain to also shut off to produce maximum ramblings.  This strategy may not work for all but try it why not?  What is there to lose?  Feel the text as you type and enjoy the formation of words into notions into paragraphs into commas or what not.  Just take it easy buddy and flow.    

Interstellar Review and Thoughts

Beware there be Interstellar spoilers below! ARRR!

I think the music is the best part of Interstellar.  The soundtrack is simple as Hans Zimmer plays a basic organ driven score, but it is damn effective in emphasizing key moments in the film.  The highlights come at the failed Matt Damon docking scene and at the end when Matthew McConaughey sets off for Anne Hathaway and the stars.  The former score ensures to the audience the impending doom that will befall that cowardly Dr. Mann with music that sounds like it’s coming from an organ surrounding an apocalyptic sermon.  Everybody but Dr. Mann knows that Dr. Mann is going to die due to what I’ll refer to as the “space crazies” and the score drives that point home with its frantic escalation and sudden stop when he shoots out into space.  The jarring emergence of space silence ends Dr. Mann’s life in a whimper rather than the crashing boom we all were expecting due to the preceding crazy tomes (there truly is nothing like a scientifically accurate film).  As good as the docking sequence music was, my favorite musical moment occurs at the end when Cooper’s dying daughter tells him to leave her side and go find Dr. Brand.  I’ve heard people criticize this scene because it looks like Murph is pushing her father away after they finally reunite after a long, long time with the general sentiment being why would she push him away after all the fuss she made about him possibly never returning?  I will defend old, dying Murph by saying that her character comes full circle.  At first, she demanded her father stay and not abandon her despite the consequences it may spell for humanity, but now after realizing he never did nor would abandon her and having grown wiser, is finally able to let her father leave to further help the human race.  She accepts her father’s quest and is able to finally let him go (I teared up during this scene so shut up).  Also, Murph wanted to spend her final moments with her children who she knew her whole life rather than a metaphysical father spirit.  It harkens back to the monologue about dying in front of your children (that evil Dr. Mann be discussed later).  The score at the end when she tells Cooper to go out there is again simple but very effective.  It is hopeful and a little sad, but more importantly is expansive and conveys the need for us as humans to explore and fight for each other.  We are at heart explorers and adventurers and the ending music tells Cooper to keep embracing this role and to go out there and do all we can to survive and help others.  It is my favorite musical piece in a beautiful film.

Dr. Mann is a dick and I knew it from the moment I saw Matt Damon emerge from the sleep tank because I never forgave him from being the mole in The Departed (there I said it).  His role in the movie was the most annoying as he fulfilled the obligatory stupid human role that so many films seem to include (i.e. like the stupid gun bearing guy in Dawn of the Planet of Apes).  I will forgive his stupid character by just saying he got a case of the “space crazies” that surfaces when one is left to die alone on a planet light years away from home.  I know I could never have survived that mission without going insane, but then again unlike Dr. Mann, I would never have volunteered for the suicide mission.  Plus, having the evil character be called Dr. Mann and involve him in a fight so that people can say it’s a battle between Mann and man; genius.  I’m a sucker for obvious symbolism Christopher Nolan.

I did not understand why Murph ever thought her father abandoned her once she got older.  When she’s a kid I understand her resentment completely, but when she’s a 30 something year old scientist?  I don’t think so.  What in her memories of her father would ever point to him wanting to abandon her?  Was it the time he took her to a baseball game after she got suspended due to him standing up for her?  I just couldn’t understand the hatred.  And another thing, give Cooper a break for not responding back!  The guy went through both a wormhole and a black hole; I think it’s quite understandable that he can’t Skype back a message.  Cut the savior of humanity some slack.    

Interstellar is unlike any blockbuster film out there because it is not afraid of ambition.  The movie is not another sequel or prequel or movie based on a popular teen series.  It is an original idea (with about a million allusions) imbued in a love of science and adventure that is presented to the masses.  Immediately after seeing this film I walked around in a daze staring at the night sky until I got home and looked up everything I could find on space travel.  This is a film that inspires us to look up at where we may go and to utilize our potential rather than just succumb to being caretakers (thank you Cooper).  This film is a success if people race home after having several hearty discussions to go look up footage from the Apollo 11 landing or to check out if the events of the movie are possible.  Not many films will have the same effect as Interstellar in terms of discussion and exploration.  A great companion piece to Interstellar would be to watch footage of a moon landing or learn about how we just landed on a comet.  Get interested in what NASA has for us and let us push to Mars and beyond.  Space exploration isn’t a useless and money wasting expenditure as it forces us to innovate and create (watch Neil deGrasse Tyson on Bill Maher for more on this).  Interstellar is an ode to human potential and the explorer in all of us and it is unlike any blockbuster I’ve seen this year.

I would like to have a TARS or a CASE in my life as those robotic Kit-Kat bars are delightful.  It is always pleasant to see a future where the robots aren’t as evil as HAL.  If only we could program everything to have the exact humor and honesty levels we desired. 

Overall, I heartily enjoyed Interstellar and am willing to look past any plot holes or annoyances I had with the film.  It was a beautifully shot film and was also one of the saddest films I have seen in a while (to miss your children’s lives and see them right before they die is one of the saddest thoughts one can ever have).  I hope Christopher Nolan keeps making original films like this because they stand out so much in the creative marketplace and instill a scene of wonder and awe that I don’t find at many movies (until Star Wars 7 comes out).  So I say a toast to Christopher Nolan and the hope that he keeps chasing his muse into beautiful mind bending places.  

Me against the Internet!: A useless fight against my internet annoyances

A few mini rants about internet culture that bug me:

Live tweeting people’s private conversations – It’s one thing to listen in and mock someone’s inane conversation with a pal, but sharing it online is just weird and plain creepy.  What is the point of sharing what is going down between two people?  Are you trying to prove how much above the fray of normal vulnerable moments?  The live conversation tweeting is a display of such smugness as I can never get what is trying to be proven or validated other than the posters ego.  Is the live tweeter trying to start a fundamental change in the way people associate with each other and if so, why is he doing it in the way of an NSA spy?  I feel that the endgame of these live tweets is to create a society where everybody is rehearsed and on their best behavior in every aspect of their lives, especially their private moments (you can never be too sure about who is listening or tweeting).  Anybody with a phone becomes a potential documentarian to what you thought was a private moment thus leaving us perpetually on edge.  The only remedy to these problems is to go the Derek Jeter route and force everybody to check their phones in at the door lest somebody has the urge to document the innocent meeting of two strangers on an Amtrak train for the amusement of a hungry and ravenous internet public. 

Twitter Shaming – I’m curious to hear what happens after a person gets Twitter or online shamed?  What happens after somebody writes something that is offensive and stupid and then the collective force that is the internet watchdog unleashes its ever righteous power on a lone person?  Usually we hear that the person being shamed has been fired and they become a pariah and punch line before the we move on to the next deplorable action to commands a shaming.  But I’m curious as to what happens after the spotlight has been dimmed and the shamed has to go on leading their life knowing that their name will not produce a favorable Google search.  This isn’t to say that these people don’t deserve a comeuppance or that vile speech should be permitted without any consequence, but is it fair to ruin the lives of others over moments of stupidity.  These shamings have the goal of exposing horrid behavior to the public in a way to educate the ignorant and hateful but I don’t really see working that way for all the people being shamed.  I see the person of an internet shaming becoming bitter and closed off to the point these online do-gooders were trying to instill.  I would love to see a follow up piece to the shamed and see if they are grateful for being taught a very public lesson.   

I don’t like especially when this happens to teens who say dumb and offensive things because other than the argument of we all do really bad things when we’re teenagers, I will contend that a public shaming doesn’t have the effect it’s meant to have.  A public shaming is supposed to alert and educate those on their wrongful ideas and behavior but will a teenager take that message to heart?  I would image that having a million people screaming at you would not feel so good (even if it is well deserved) and imparts a bitter resolve to never change.  I would argue that it stunts the growth of these hateful youngsters because it prevents them from going to places like college (due to their newfound notoriety) where their views would be challenged and their minds hopefully opened and expanded.  College is the great expander for a lot of people and the chance to open your bubble to ideas that you would never consider or even come across.  To me this is better and more effective than yelling at some dumb 16 year old.  Send them to college and let them meet people who aren’t in their hometown circle.  If they still feel and have these hateful and dumb ideas then I’m all for more shaming, but let’s wait until these kids have had a chance to at least hit legal age before we damn them with a million screaming voices. 

Inspirational Porn – How inspired can you possibly get?  If all it takes is a celebrity quoting a common sense platitude to make you feel touched that’s sad.  There has to be a point of inspiration overload where all the inspirational videos and quotes just become meaningless and another thing to mindlessly like and share.  These moments of supposed profundity have no meaning to me as they just blend into each other.  The only lesson I learned is that somebody’s hardships and worst moments have been immortalized to make other people feel marginally better about their own lives.  Congratulations you have fulfilled your reason for being on this planet, call us when you have another unspeakable tragedy that we can exploit and use to motivate us when we’re having a case of the Mondays.  Otherwise thank you and goodbye (I assume that’s how the conversation goes between the content sharer and the, for lack of a better word, content provider).

   

The Lumosity Conspiracy

If you had to guess which blog post I’ve written that has received the most views which one would you say?  I’m not going to wait for an answer because every second in which you struggle to remember an article title will only serve to further my deep sadness, so instead I’ll go ahead and say the thing I wrote about Lumosity (I’ll let you off the hook because even I, the great author, cannot remember my titles).  Now for those of you outside of the mental brain game loop, Lumosity is a website that uses mind games to improve your cognitive abilities.  They call it brain training.  On a basic level this sounds like a great idea and I would agree with you there.  My problem is that the only way to get something out of the service is to pay a monthly fee.  Why would a service that holds the key to improving your brain functions horde this knowledge for a monthly fee?  Paying for what they deem an essential and necessary service seems a bit immoral and lame.  So I wrote a rambling, complaining type rant one morning at around 3 am and to my great surprise, watched it reach the peak of my most viewed articles.  I never knew why it reached the exalted status of most read blog piece because it was a tossed off piece based on raw anger in the middle of my many nighttime hallucinations (that is for another blog).  I’ve come up with a theory as to why it became my most read article and the blame points squarely on… Lumosity!  I believe they are spying and keeping tabs on me.

Yes I said it; Lumosity is following me around because I bad mouthed them on the internet.  They see the power my blog yields with its 15-30 hits a day and they are rightfully afraid.  I say Lumosity is stalking/keeping tabs on me because of the emails I have still been receiving from them.  The emails are all about how their games are not stupid and scientifically proven to work.  They’ve even given me the opportunity to join them for free couple of days to prove that they are a generous and benevolent corporation.  Well again, I say ha!  I’m not falling for it Lumosity.  I will not return to your website of so called brain training no matter how specific and lovely those emails look.  And furthermore I shall never retract my statements from the blogosphere!  They will stay there for eternity as a blemish on your record of brain training because if the service is as important as you say it is, it should be free.  Don’t keep your knowledge bottled up for a fee!  Share it with the world Lumosity and let us all progress to the next level of our cognitive abilities.  I put it to you to, one – not sue me for libel and two - make your service free.  Help mankind Lumosity!  You’re our only hope.  And also stop sending me emails; they’ve becoming rather annoying and creepily specific.  It’s like you guys are trying to bring me back into the cult.  It ain’t gonna happen, but please keep reading my articles, I do appreciate it.  Now let’s hope that this Lumosity article will get the weirdly high number of views it doesn’t deserve.         

Retro Recommendation: Mr Show

It’s always fun to complain about SNL.  It’s also easy to do so because well, watch their latest episodes.  Instead of complaining about how terrible SNL is of late or waiting for the new great Key and Peele episode to air, may I suggest that you dig into the vault and try out Mr. Show?  Mr. Show starred David Cross and Bob Oedenkirk and ran in the mid to late 90’s on HBO.  The sketches all lead into each other and the material is refreshingly counterculture and rather daring compared to that “Live from New York” show.  The show is also a who’s who of pre-famous celebrities with people like Tom Kenny (and his wife Jill Talley), Sarah Silverman, Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins, Mary Lynn Rajskub, and Brian Posehn making up the rest of the cast.  They usually fill the supporting roles as Bob and Dave get all the best lines and parts.  If I had to pick some of my favorite sketches from the show I’d have to go with the audition in which David Cross auditions for a role in a tv show with a very meta monologue.  Another classic has Bob Oedenkirk playing a teenager who becomes the new Dalai Lama and has to endure a culture clash when his slacker friend, David Cross, comes to visit.  The sketch then somehow transitions into a parody of camp movies where the monks have to beat the kids from the rich fat kid camp at the camp Olympics.  My description does not do the bit justice and they must be seen to be believed.  Mr. Show fully displays the benefits and power that come when a comedy show airs on an HBO like channel.  They have no sponsors to suck up to and are free to do what they choose.  In the first episode, David Cross breaks character and goes on a hilarious mini-rant about how little effort HBO put into the show and how shitty the sets look.  Only the Simpsons throw such barbs at the hand that feeds them.

Another benefit to Mr. Show is the clear voice and perspective behind it.  The satire is never muddy or watered down and the intro banter with Bob and David does a great job of making fun of the convention of a comic playing off his straight man partner.  Another upside is the wealth of original material in each episode.  Recurring characters are only really employed in the episode they are introduced in as a way to tie up other sketches or set up the next one or even continue the strange continuity throughout the episode.  This isn’t lazy catchphrase comedy and at most I can only remember three characters returning in different episodes.  Mr. Show is a pitch perfect example of how great a focused sketch comedy show can be and I implore all to watch the 30 episode grandeur that is Bob Oedenkirk and David Cross.      

Star Wars Hype Rising...Rising

The title of the new Star Wars film is The Force Awakens and to me, that reveal is more exciting than any Avengers trailer or Batmobile unveiling.  Star Wars titles are never the best as I remember complaining about how dumb Attack of the Clones sounded and how that movie would have a lot to make up for.  Unfortunately, the title was the best part of that film which contained scenes of Jedi/Queen/coarse sand seduction that I have blocked out of my mind.  Otherwise the once dormant Star Wars obsessive in me is growing and I am drinking the Star Wars is back kool aid.  First, it was the announcement of the originals returning and the old school filming and set techniques being utilized that slowly nudged my Star Wars beast awake.  Next, it was involvement of actors I generally enjoy like your Adam Drivers and your Lupita Nyong’os.  The final awakening of the beast moment came with the leaked concept art footage which looked bizarre and fascinating.  A cyborg holding and nearly fondling Darth Vader’s rusted helmet?  Scavengers living in downed AT-AT walkers?  That was the moment when my caution turned into cautious optimism and excitement for the holiday season of 2015.  The fact that C3P0 himself says that this film will be better than The Empire Strikes Back warms the heart that has been betrayed by midi-chlorians and a certain character whose name starts with Jar Jar.  Even as a kid I knew that Jar Jar Binks was an abomination and it only took me ten theatrical viewings to confirm my belief on the matter. 

I’m excited about Star Wars 7: The Force Awakens or Star Wars 7: Quest to Remember Why We loved Star Wars in the First Place.  If you thought the Marvel Avenger’s preview was a thrill ride wait till we get a little teaser for Episode 7.  People will be rioting in the streets.  None of the these superhero movies can compare to the original Sci-fi fantasy blockbuster (it’s fucking Star Wars with Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia, what more do you people want?).  Plus when will the movie going populous feel superhero blockbuster fatigue?  Marvel has pumped out quality movies for over a decade, but fatigue of seeing the similar characters and stories must pump in eventually.  All these new Marvel films are going to have some sort of overlap and crisscross which will make it impossible to view one film without viewing them all.  These films are going to become more complicated than the comics they’re based on.  DC hasn’t had the movie success of Marvel (they succeed mostly on the smaller screen), but still the fatigue factor has to be in play with these films.  DC adheres to a formula of gritty and serious with a corollary of absolutely no humor of smiling (or so is their plan for the future).  How many gritty comic book movies and stories can the public handle?  Even Batman the Animated Series had episodes that weren’t all dark and brooding.  Why the Joker sometimes was interested in living up to his namesake as a comedian and not just a cold blooded anarchist killer.  Superhero films are big now but so where westerns for a great while.  I’m curious to see the day that the superhero film falls out of favor and I’m curious to see what could replace it as the dominant movie genre/tentpole film?  But those are questions that will be relevant in around 40 years after Marvel’s phase 12 and DC’s 4^th across the board gritty reboot.

Star Wars is not the antidote for those feeling superhero film fatigue.  Again, it’s still Star Wars and is one of the biggest grossing series of all time.  People aren’t as up on this film as they were the first prequels because they saw the prequels.  But regardless nothing can compare to the hype of a new Star Wars film and the promises it holds.  I’ll be there on opening night with the rest of the fans waiting in nervous anticipation that we don’t have another Phantom Menace debacle.  Otherwise I say it’s time to get hyped for Star Wars because again, it’s fucking Star Wars.   

The Thrill of Voting in a Meaningless Election: 2014 Edition

I’ve heard many a politician ramble on about how every American should vote in today’s elections and that voting is a sacred duty that we must all fulfill.  This must then explain the rise in voter suppression laws or rather voter ID laws that will likely help the Republicans take control of the Senate (as the old saying goes, when only white men are able to vote with ease, the Republicans will crush the Democrats and the idea of a fair and open election).  Well that and the general incompetence of the Democrats come election year.  The Republicans have spent their soapbox time telling the American public that this election season is a referendum on the failed politics of President Obama that have led to ISIS militants crossing the Texas border to spread their Ebola onto good, hardworking Americans.  The Democrats have countered by agreeing with their opponent and saying that they’re different from Obama.  Now for me, this answer would only be acceptable if it were followed up by the phrase “because my views are more to the left of the President’s”.  Alas, this is never the case.  Democrats are always in the losing battle of watering down their beliefs to reach people that will never vote for them.  Republicans will never do this.  As wrongheaded and plain evil as their ideas may be, they stick to their platitudes and do not compromise during election season.  We end up with a fired up conservative base perpetually ready to take back America from the evils of healthcare and multiculturalism.  The Democrats fail to rally their base of liberals and progressives because they are trying to reach the take back America crowd.  Take a page from the Teddy Roosevelt page book and own your persona!  You are the Democrats our supposedly liberal party, is it too much to ask that you act like it and be publicly proud of your ideas?  I want to see Democrats coming out for all of Obama’s policies in the next election and saying that they will go farther to the left because that’s what this country needs.  We need more liberalism and less centrism that always reeks of conservatism. 

So vote today, as if your vote really matters.  Did you know that 30 Congressmen and 1 senator are running unopposed this election cycle (thanks Roll Call)?  Even dictatorships have a show candidate to feign a democratic process.  How in this country which is supposedly at one of its more divisive states, have 31 people running unopposed?  My bet is on heavily gerrymandered districts that work to stamp out the democratic process and on the fact that people (voters) are just plain lazy.  We complain about the politicians but the fact is that we reelect over 90% of them.  Voting just doesn’t seem like much of a way to change the problem because we rarely do.  We have the same people running for office and winning again and again.  How will that amount to any sort of sea change in our country?  I always liked the idea of congressional term limits because serving our government shouldn’t turn into a lifetime career with no risks.  How can we inspire new and fresh political faces if the odds are heavily stacked towards the entrenched incumbent?  Unless a popular incumbent is under federal indictment or had to resign in disgrace (only to emerge as a lobbyist a few years later), there is a good chance a fresh faced challenger faces a massive uphill battle unless they are rich beyond belief or house a special last name like Kennedy, Bush, or Clinton.  After a good while not voting seems like the right idea.  As George Carlin said, as a non-voter you can complain because you didn’t vote for these people and can’t be blamed for electing this latest group of do nothings.  If the Republicans take power the Democrats will take their role as the party of obstruction and filibuster any prospective legislation in a hilarious role reversal (I will actually be okay with this).  Let’s see Mitch McConnell or John Boehner try to get anything done this go around.

So again, vote today and let your voice be heard.  It’s a nice way to say you made a difference when in reality only people voting in around six states can actually cop that claim.  Either way get out there pull that lever, and then put on some pants and vote.  It’s your duty as an American.        

Works Cited

Mindock, Clark. "30 Members, 1 Senator Running Unopposed for Congress." At the Races. Roll Call, 03 Nov. 2014. Web. 04 Nov. 2014.

Ode To Halloween

Thoughts on Halloween:

My zeal for a good Halloween celebration matches the passion that Fox News reserves for their essential war on Christmas yearly freak out.  I love walking around my fair city of New York and seeing people dressed to the nines in whatever costume they see fit.  How can one not like Halloween?  This is the one day of the year where we get to pick our own masks and disguises rather than wear the ones that society imposes on us.  Halloween is escapism from the drudgery of not being able to wear whatever we want and showcase who we really were that particular October the 31^st.  Put some effort into your costume and embody the spirit behind it (always within reason as we don’t need to see a bunch of people finding their inner serial killer or garden variety psychopath.  Embrace the role but subtract some to most of the violence).  Nothing can compare with the incredible ego boost of making and embodying a great costume and I’ll be the first to scream it from the mountaintops (or roof over a six floor walkup).  For this Halloween I adapted my brother’s Derek Jeter (never forgot) jersey and turned it into a passable Baseball Furies outfit from The Warriors.  I painted my face a delightful yellow and black, and donned a cap over my already flowing late 70’s styled hair.  The moment my costume was complete I could feel the power that came with representing the coolest gang outside of the Warriors (it also didn’t hurt that I was welding a Sammy Sosa Slugger bat).  I ventured out into the streets and was yelled and stared at all night long (including some actual cops) and I loved every second of it.  My narcissism reached its usual Halloween peak and I felt the anger and rage that comes with being a Baseball Furie.  I was pissed and in Halloween bliss. 

The scariest costume on Halloween is seeing a big guy wear normal clothes and just a scream mask (this also works with any ghoulish mask).  It makes the Halloween horror a little too relatable and also a little too bank robby/murdery for my taste.  Thought I must say that the most frightening costume I saw this year was a guy walking around 8^th street wielding a crossbow with just normal clothes and no accompanying costume.  I contend that he was using Halloween as a cover to murder people and indeed won my scariest costume of the night (he was thrilled at winning this prestigious honor).  The fact that he walked around with people dressed only in scream masks sealed the deal. 

My favorite costume was worn by a group of four kids who were trick or treating after school.  The first three kids were dressed as the Avengers and there was a mini Hulk, a mini Iron Man, and a mini Thor.  Their fourth friend and leader of these young Avengers was dressed in an oversized Kool Aid Man costume.  They were a conceptual nightmare but a delight to behold.  I would have loved to sat in on the conversation when they were deciding what to wear.  I believe I got a glimpse into Marvel’s phase three and I have some young trick or treaters to thank.

I noticed a large spike in face painted skeletons and Day of the Dead face painted costumes among the Halloweeners outside.  Now this is putting real effort into a costume and every painted face I saw was done beautifully.  I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of staring at the elaborate designs.  I would like to note that I usually do stop staring it can become quite rude.

Fuck those people who walk into a costume party with no costume and act like they own the place or are cooler than everybody else because they didn’t dress up.  Without the costume you’re just attending any other party where you stand around and make uncomfortable conversation with people.  A costume at least adds a couple of decent opening lines.  Just give in to the power of the costume.  It’s okay to not look like the coolest person and be a silly goose or a plain silly silly.  Take it from me a person who is universally regarded as the bee knees.  On Halloween I take off my normal cool guy mask and put on my even cooler Baseball Furies face paint because I am amazing and own Halloween and furthermore….

Sorry about that last part, I got a bit carried away.  I’m only uber cool and on Halloween I become even uber cooler.  So Halloween is over and it’s going be a while before our next dress up holiday (Flag Day?).  Our next big event is Election Day and that will only be enjoyed by the people who are religiously opposed to Halloween (how the Democrats lose this one is a perfect scary story for future Halloweens).  I hope you had a glorious Halloween and always keep that passion for dressing up and just being crazy on a day that respects the oddball and basket case in all of us. 

Below is a picture of my Halloween costume because it was that cool: 

Halloween Fun

For most people Halloween is the most exciting holiday there is behind Christmas and their birthday.  For other people Halloween is the most exciting holiday behind Hanukkah and also their birthday.  Either way people like to dress up and get free candy before buckling down and harvesting for the coming winter.  I for one love All Hallows’ Eve and have recently grown to enjoy its offshoot of Halloween.  So as it is custom for every major holiday, I have made a few bullet points to help you make the most out of your October 31^st.  So enjoy my list and have a razorblade free Halloween!

1)      You must watch at least 10 Treehouse of Horror segments from The Simpsons and that list must include “The Shinning” (no excuses) in the week preceding Halloween.  Anything less and you will commit the heinous crime of not understanding half the things I will be referencing during this festive time.

2)      Decorate your house for Halloween the traditional department store way by setting up your Christmas display if you haven’t already.  I mean for goodness sakes Christmas is only two months away!  You should have started your preparation a month ago.

3)      If you are looking to get your costume posted all over social media and the news may I suggest using blackface or perhaps the ever popular Native American headdress.  You’ll be the belle of the twitterverse before being disqualified for every future job you wish to have. 

4)      Going to a bar and not talking to anybody other than your lame friends becomes instantly better when you’re doing it in a costume that will only be culturally relevant for another three months.     

5)      Wear a costume that only ten people on the planet will get and then lament the fact that nobody knows who you are dressed as even when you do explain it.  What a bunch of simpletons.

6)      There are so many girls in the sexy cat costume prowling around on Halloween.  Instead of dressing up like the oldest sexy costume in the book put my spin on it.  Dress in a full body cat suit and then add some lingerie to the ensemble to become “cat sexy”.  At the very least you’ll be the life of the furry crowd.

7)      Partake in an old Halloween tradition by discriminating against the Irish.

8)      Do not worry about your child eating a razor blade this Halloween as it will be the only thing they eat that will not cause/ worsen their diabetes.

9)      I’ve actually seen Christians going around preaching about the evils of Halloween and how it is a sinful and pagan holiday which again furthers the point that religious people aren’t very much fun.

10)     If you’re on the fence about it I say go all out and wear your Ebola related costume because that is actually scary and fits perfectly into the theme of the holiday.  I mean when was the last time you’ve seen a purely evil and vicious vampire on screen?  They’ve made the transition from pure evil to anti-hero and are creepy towards misunderstood bad guy.  In short, if you want to go scary, go Ebola. 

So we’ve hit ten which by list law means I must stop.  So get out there and have a great Halloween!  

Political Comedy Show Rankings

We are living in the golden age of political comedy shows so today I unveil my ranked order of the best damn political comedy shows out there while Stephen Colbert is still around and kicking. 

1)      Last Week Tonight with John Oliver – The newest show on the block is also the best one on the political comedy block.  The highlight of each episode is the long piece expose that can range from a discussion on how poorly The Miss America Pageant’s scholarship fund allocation is to a depressing discussion on how we treat people who translated for our military in Afghanistan and Iraq.  Each segment is presented in an unrushed format that is filled with as many details and shockingly depressing facts as there are actual jokes.  Sometimes the jokes feel extraneous due to how compelling each mid show piece is.  The weakness of John Oliver is the smugness and fake intellectualism that comes with watching the show.  You feel like you’re in the know of issues and smarter than the rest of the public when really you just know the tip of the iceberg and should use the show as a jumping off point for more knowledge on a particular subject.  I blame this on the fans and websites like Salon rather than on John Oliver (the man is a comedian doing his best).  Plus his British accent makes his show all the more charming and adds a more personal element to a story like the Scottish Independence movement (and his amazing Scottish accent).  John Oliver’s show is the pinnacle of comedy and depressing news and it is easily the best of the batch.

2)      Real Time with Bill Maher – Lately Bill Maher has been making news for being – gasp – controversial but I mean that’s the reason we love him.  He’s called smug and an asshole by his own fans, but in my view that’s his charm.  He is the ultimate Hollywood liberal and he fucking owns it like no one else.  He enjoys every aspect of the stereotype and implores the rest of the country to live in his “hedonistic” dream.  I for one can’t wait for his dream to become a reality.  Bill Maher is the only person on this list whose views and ideas actually surprise me.  I remember him sticking up for a bully a few years ago saying something along the lines of kids beat up other kids big deal, and immediately the panel and audience turned on him and he wound up alone on his own show.  He’s fearlessness in never kowtowing to his audience or guests and is something that makes him stand out among the rest.  If he has a guest on the show spewing out talking points and downright lies he will always call them out on it in an aggressive way that is lacking from Jon Stewart on occasion.  His panel usually includes the token conservative or libertarian meaning that the show will never be a dull or predictable preaching to the choir exercise in mental masterbation.  Maher always treats his guest right and I enjoy how he will never presuppose a position on a guest and will always listen to their point.  I’ve seen Real Time episodes where the MSNBC anchor (while I agree with them in most of their arguments) end up looking worse than the token conservative because they didn’t come into the discussion with an open mind and were content to stick to worn out talking points that didn’t apply to their ideological opponent.  Plus Bill Maher is the best on religion and I’ll never get tired of him taking them all to task.  And a word to the students at UC Berkley - stop protesting and let the man speak at your graduation.  You're lucky to have him agree to speak there in the first place.  So much for a so-called liberal academy of learning.

3)      The Colbert Report – This was always my favorite of the bunch (I was president of the Colbert Club in high school) but he has slipped in my rankings.  There used to be a time when every episode of the Colbert Report was gold from on high.  He did the Daft Punk dance off, subverted campaign election finance laws, and still had enough time to dole out some bear hatred.  Ever since the announcement that he is moving over to CBS, the madness that kept the Colbert flame a-running has lessened.  His stories aren’t as political or razor sharp anymore.  It seems that he’s stuck between transitioning between the conservative blowhard Stephen Colbert and regular Stephen Colbert that will be appearing for good next year.  The man is still the best interviewer of the bunch (see his interviews where he sits in silence with the Black Keys) and will still put on a tremendously unique show like his Watergate throwback episode.  He has slipped but this last run of shows until December hopefully will live up to his boast of every show being an instant classic.  So far he’s more or less lived up to the billing, but I’m hoping he’ll bring out some of his older weirder bits.  Maybe mention the riff with the Decembrists, the Sean Penn metaphor off, or play his new wave single “Charlene (I’m Right Behind You)” from his band Stephen and the Colberts.  Those bits were unlike anything I’ve seen and are always up there as the pinnacle of what the Colbert Report can be in its weirdest and most delightful moments.  I will always love the Report and will dutifully follow Colbert to CBS hoping he can match at least 50% of the grandeur he attained on Comedy Central.

4)      The Daily Show with Jon Stewart – I chalk this up more to the fact that everybody has caught up to Stewart rather than him tumbling and stumbling.  The bits on the Daily Show are still great when dealing with issues of income inequality and the legendary bit on the financial crash, but my biggest point of contention comes with the interviews.  Stewart gets the biggest guests out of all the political comedy shows but his interviews don’t have the same zeal and passion on a whole as they used to.  He’s too respectful and deferential to his guests but maybe that’s just my fault for looking to a comedian to do something that real news organizations should be doing.  When he was talking to Wendy Davis last night I wanted him to go in more depth about how her views are really an outlier in the state of Texas and how she really has no chance to be governor in the reddest of red states (especially with those voting laws).  I’ll also go out and say that I am getting a bit tired of his Italian-Jersey guy accent and wish he would stick with his Lindsay Graham southern belle, Mitch McConnell turtle, and Chuck Schumer Jewish mother voices.  Those are the best.  Jon Stewart still puts on a great show but I’ve noticed that the jokes don’t hit as frequently as they used to and the show can sometimes divulge into solely making fun of airhead cable news personalities.  His best segment of late strayed from cable news and dealt with how actual Congressmen discuss global warming.  He took them down in a manner that actually justified the hyperbolic Salon/Huffington Post headline that accompanied the clip the next morning.  More of that would be great but otherwise it’s the fucking Daily Show.  The Last thing theyneed is advice from a guy who has enough time to watch every episode of these four shows and have time for more.

NBA Predictions: The Atlantic Division

Let us finish our (really just my) discussion of the NBA with a breakdown of (wait for it)

The Atlantic Division

Brooklyn Nets

Last Year’s Finish: Glass half empty (because Jason Kidd spilled the other half on the floor “accidentally”). 

Best Player: Brooks Lopez – Actually looks at a map while riding the subway.  Asshole. 

Best New Arrival: Jarrett Jack – Signed with Brooklyn after finding Cleveland’s Jewish delis and egg cream game left much to be desired.  Suffice to say, he is very happy here.    

Strengths:  By moving from New Jersey to a newly renovated part of Brooklyn, the Nets have become the epitome of a gentrified New York and should actually fit in rather well.  The pressure is off Deron Williams and Joe Johnson this season because nobody believes they are elite players anymore.      

Weaknesses: More people wear Brooklyn Dodger apparel than Brooklyn Nets at the games and really all over the world.  Age has slowed down Kevin Garnett to the point where he is only expected to start 35 bench clearing brawls.    

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs in a competitive East. 

Team’s Real Goal:  To find out if the Brooklyn chant is indeed a chant or really just a jeer. 

Boston Celtics

Last Year’s Finish:  The fans were green alright…as in nauseous…because the team’s play wasn’t so hot.  

Best Player: Rajon Rondo – Will lead the league in trade rumors that never go anywhere for a fourth consecutive season. 

Best New Arrival: Marcus Thornton – His favorite expression is “me so thorny”. 

Strengths: No matter how poorly they play they will never be as bad as the 76ers.  Rajon Rondo will lead the team in assists because his teammates know better than to deny Rondo an assist.   

Weaknesses: A team called the Celtics with nary a redhead or leprechaun?  For shame.  Bill Simmons is their biggest fan.  Yikes.    

Team’s Stated Goal: To start the rebuilding process. 

Team’s Real Goal: To mangle the English language even further with those awful accents. 

New York Knicks

Last Year’s Finish: A return to being the league’s signature laughingstock franchise.   

Best Player: Carmelo Anthony – Will lead the league in unwarranted criticism for a superstar. 

Best New Arrival: Jose Calderon – Will have an automatic three month honeymoon simply for not being Raymond Felton. 

Strengths: JR Smith has the best twitter in the league.  He is untouchable on social media.  Phil Jackson has wowed the team with his stories about being on Knick’s team people didn’t mock.   

Weaknesses: James Dolan has requested that all music played throughout Knicks games must be from his band JD and the Straight Shot.  No matter how well this team plays, they will always be humbled by the mere fact that they are the New York Knicks.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs. 

Team’s Real Goal: To lead the league in distracting and embarrassing headlines. 

Philadelphia 76ers

Last Year’s Finish: Well it wasn’t historically bad unlike this coming year. 

Best Player: Michael Carter Williams – Will reconsider his dream of playing in the NBA after playing for this year’s 76ers squad. 

Best New Arrival: Joel Emiid– Has fit in well to his new team by attaining a season threatening injury. 

Strengths – Will lead the league in “will be amazing in like 3 to 5 years” discussions.  You can’t be historically bad without being “historic”.  Or bad for that matter.   

Weaknesses – Unwisely chose to stock their team with only four professional basketball players.  Will lose a game against the Washington Generals despite the Generals not appearing on the schedule.    

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players and rebuild.

Team’s Real Goal: To convince Allen Iverson to sign up and play a few games for the hell of it. 

Toronto Raptors

Last Year's Finish: So good that Drake wasn’t afraid to root for them in public.

 

Best Player: Demar DeRezan – Has popularized using de as an unnecessary de-prefix.   

Best New Arrival: Louis Williams – Hopes to keep up his streak on playing for good but not great teams. 

Strengths: Drake is contractually obligated to root for this team so that’s a win in itself.  This will be the only team to benefit from the release of that new Jurassic Park movie. 

      

Weaknesses: Toronto somehow thinks that playing in a non-contract year will actually inspire greatness from Kyle Lowry.  Will be the best team in the division by a mile but will get the least national coverage.

Team's Stated Goal: To win the Division and make a playoff run. 

Team's Real Goal: To go back in time and adequately prepare for that species wiping out asteroid. 

This wraps up my NBA preview.  Hope you enjoyed it.  And I will end my unbiased predictions by saying GO KNICKS!