NBA Predictions: The Atlantic Division

Let us finish our (really just my) discussion of the NBA with a breakdown of (wait for it)

The Atlantic Division

Brooklyn Nets

Last Year’s Finish: Glass half empty (because Jason Kidd spilled the other half on the floor “accidentally”). 

Best Player: Brooks Lopez – Actually looks at a map while riding the subway.  Asshole. 

Best New Arrival: Jarrett Jack – Signed with Brooklyn after finding Cleveland’s Jewish delis and egg cream game left much to be desired.  Suffice to say, he is very happy here.    

Strengths:  By moving from New Jersey to a newly renovated part of Brooklyn, the Nets have become the epitome of a gentrified New York and should actually fit in rather well.  The pressure is off Deron Williams and Joe Johnson this season because nobody believes they are elite players anymore.      

Weaknesses: More people wear Brooklyn Dodger apparel than Brooklyn Nets at the games and really all over the world.  Age has slowed down Kevin Garnett to the point where he is only expected to start 35 bench clearing brawls.    

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs in a competitive East. 

Team’s Real Goal:  To find out if the Brooklyn chant is indeed a chant or really just a jeer. 

Boston Celtics

Last Year’s Finish:  The fans were green alright…as in nauseous…because the team’s play wasn’t so hot.  

Best Player: Rajon Rondo – Will lead the league in trade rumors that never go anywhere for a fourth consecutive season. 

Best New Arrival: Marcus Thornton – His favorite expression is “me so thorny”. 

Strengths: No matter how poorly they play they will never be as bad as the 76ers.  Rajon Rondo will lead the team in assists because his teammates know better than to deny Rondo an assist.   

Weaknesses: A team called the Celtics with nary a redhead or leprechaun?  For shame.  Bill Simmons is their biggest fan.  Yikes.    

Team’s Stated Goal: To start the rebuilding process. 

Team’s Real Goal: To mangle the English language even further with those awful accents. 

New York Knicks

Last Year’s Finish: A return to being the league’s signature laughingstock franchise.   

Best Player: Carmelo Anthony – Will lead the league in unwarranted criticism for a superstar. 

Best New Arrival: Jose Calderon – Will have an automatic three month honeymoon simply for not being Raymond Felton. 

Strengths: JR Smith has the best twitter in the league.  He is untouchable on social media.  Phil Jackson has wowed the team with his stories about being on Knick’s team people didn’t mock.   

Weaknesses: James Dolan has requested that all music played throughout Knicks games must be from his band JD and the Straight Shot.  No matter how well this team plays, they will always be humbled by the mere fact that they are the New York Knicks.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs. 

Team’s Real Goal: To lead the league in distracting and embarrassing headlines. 

Philadelphia 76ers

Last Year’s Finish: Well it wasn’t historically bad unlike this coming year. 

Best Player: Michael Carter Williams – Will reconsider his dream of playing in the NBA after playing for this year’s 76ers squad. 

Best New Arrival: Joel Emiid– Has fit in well to his new team by attaining a season threatening injury. 

Strengths – Will lead the league in “will be amazing in like 3 to 5 years” discussions.  You can’t be historically bad without being “historic”.  Or bad for that matter.   

Weaknesses – Unwisely chose to stock their team with only four professional basketball players.  Will lose a game against the Washington Generals despite the Generals not appearing on the schedule.    

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players and rebuild.

Team’s Real Goal: To convince Allen Iverson to sign up and play a few games for the hell of it. 

Toronto Raptors

Last Year's Finish: So good that Drake wasn’t afraid to root for them in public.

 

Best Player: Demar DeRezan – Has popularized using de as an unnecessary de-prefix.   

Best New Arrival: Louis Williams – Hopes to keep up his streak on playing for good but not great teams. 

Strengths: Drake is contractually obligated to root for this team so that’s a win in itself.  This will be the only team to benefit from the release of that new Jurassic Park movie. 

      

Weaknesses: Toronto somehow thinks that playing in a non-contract year will actually inspire greatness from Kyle Lowry.  Will be the best team in the division by a mile but will get the least national coverage.

Team's Stated Goal: To win the Division and make a playoff run. 

Team's Real Goal: To go back in time and adequately prepare for that species wiping out asteroid. 

This wraps up my NBA preview.  Hope you enjoyed it.  And I will end my unbiased predictions by saying GO KNICKS!