A Spectrum of Personality

I am curious about where I fall on the scale of Jason Thompson.  I don't mean where I rank among all men and women named Jason Thompson, but where I rank on the spectrum of my very being.  I mean to ask what is the best and worst possible version of my 22 year old self and where does my present self fall into place?  I have no answer for the question of where I land on the scale at the moment, but I saw a representation of what could happen if I fall further down the spectrum.   This representation wouldn't be my worst self in a vacuum (I suppose all of our worst selves are murderers and psychopaths), but a darker timeline if I give in to my seedier qualities.  I saw a scruffy loser scrapping to get by and I saw him struggle as he seemed to fail in everything he set out to accomplish.  Nothing went his way and his arrogance was mostly to blame.  I am referring to the character of Llewyn Davis from the Coen Brother's wonderful new film, Inside Llewyn Davis.  In this man I found a variant of my worst self and I was captivated.

It's a strange phenomenon that some of us are compelled by losers and anti-heroes rather than the virtuous that walk among us.  We see a character like Llewyn Davis who alienates everyone he meets and we are still compelled to root for his success.  If there is nothing romantic about trying and failing over and over again until bitterness and the hard truths that emerge after repeated failings, we as a public haven't learned it yet.  Perhaps we are always waiting for that triumphant moment where Job finally wins and gets everything back times 10.  Any type of victory will satisfy our demands, whether it be a small moral one or a physical victory that was a long time coming.  A bloody Llewyn Davis has no victories to speak of as he stumbles out of the alleyway of the Gaslight Cafe.  He can only listen to the faint sounds of the song "Farewell" by Bob Dylan as he ponders the future of his fate.  He is a man at the crossroads and is starting to accept that he may not get out of this one intact.  That clicked with me.  I saw myself down the road in his battered shoes.  I can see myself not singing, but attempting to do something I enjoy and something I believe I'm good at only to end up watching someone better or worse beat me.  I can see a road of bitterness and sarcasm brought on due to unfulfilled triumphs that were buoyed by minor success.  This is definitely not something to strive for, but I can see it well.  I can see myself in that alleyway or in that audition watching things slip away.  It is a low ranking on the Jason Thompson spectrum, but it still exists.  It exists with the Jason Thompson that is widely successful or the Jason Thompson who sells out by moving to the suburbs after getting that corner office he craved for the last few years.  An infinite spectrum of outcomes, personalities, and changes await me as the years pass, but I am glad to know that I have identified a variant of my worst self.  Now if I could only learned to play the guitar, then I'd be set.