The Dentist

Why do I think that brushing my teeth intensely a few days before a visit to the dentist will make any difference?  It’s not like cramming for a test in which all necessary knowledge can be accrued within a matter of hours.  No matter how hard and fine I brush my 32 teeth (number may vary depending on current residence), I can never trick the dentist into thinking I did a good job maintaining the sanctity of my incisors for 6 whole months.  They probably know I tried to cover it up too.  They know the ones who have been keeping constant care of their molars and bicuspids and the dirty ones who have done the rush job or threw on some whitening strips a few days before.  I wonder if they prefer those who don’t care to those who try to do a quick cover.  It must be rather insulting to a trained dentist to have patients like me come in who think they can fool a trained medicine man with a shoddy cover up job.  How they must be sick of all the lies, lies, lies.  Perhaps on my next visit I won’t engage the rush job and I’ll admit to being a faulty caregiver of my teeth.  Would they appreciate the honesty of a man coming in and saying "here are my yellowish teeth, tell it to me like it is"?  Or would they pounce like lions to a gazelle and yell and admonish me for falling into the habits of 90% of their patients.  Has there ever been an immaculate dentist visit not concerning two dentists or a dental hygienist?  I'm talking about a visit where the dentist checks around the mouth of a normal and comes away so impressed that he is able to leave this earthly plane and ascend for a few minutes to dental nirvana.  Yes dental nirvana, a place so fantastical that just a mere mention will cause the saltiest of grizzled dentists to blush.

Mostly though, a dentist deals with a patient just going through the motions.  But how they long to reach the mountain top of dental nirvana.  There is always an obstacle to nirvana whether it be inflamed gums, crooked teeth, or a case of gingivitis.  A dentist’s life is not the life for me.  I have no problem with visiting the dentist, but I was turned off to the process as a whole when I was a young lad walking down to the East Village.  For many the East Village is a place of fun.  My first experiences in the East Village was going to a dentist.  That's the real New York City for all you kids moving in today.  But back to the story.   The office was run like a daycare, the wait was forever, and the payoff was an unrewarding 5 minutes with an indifferent dentist who would be replaced every visit.  The only constant was my S&M loving dental hygienist.  Like a miniature Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors, she loved to put her patients in a world of hurt.  She also wore a lot of leather if only to make her connection to the S&M arts even more transparent.  With that as my constant, the dentist was a never a go to destination. 

But as I approach another dentist visit on Tuesday, I realize that it’s going to be the same as it ever was.  Brush harder, for the love of God floss, and if I’m lucky I won’t gag a million times when they shove the mini-camera down my throat (the x-rays usually constitute an hour with me).  So bring it on mister dentist man with your tools and vanilla toothpaste and I will try to fool you again with my shoddy clean up job.  The endless dance continues.