Ashy Ashy Wednesday

Yesterday I noticed an abnormal number of people walking around with dirt on their foreheads.  Usually this is a sign that I should walk faster to leave this said neighborhood, but then I realized (thanks to my nana who I was about to have a delicious diner lunch with) that it was Ash Wednesday.  It was the day that Christians put some shmutz on their heads in the form of a cross to honor how their lord and savior died or how they’ve all disappointed the Holy Father in the past year.  Nothing quite says I’m sorry like putting some dirt on your forehead.  It certainly beats apologizing to those you’ve been continually wronging.  For the repentance to properly activate, the ashes must be rubbed on the forehead in the shape of a cross because that seems to be the only symbol Christianity has.  Judaism uses a mutated star as their symbol.  Islam represents itself with a crescent moon and a non-mutated star.  Christianity utilizes the Roman Empire’s standard method of execution as their go to logo.  You’d think this would be a bit of a public relations snafu, but lo and behold, they are the most popular religion in the world at the moment.  Go figure. 

I also never understood why Christians like to depict Jesus in his paramount moment of suffering.  Do you think Jesus looking down from on high wants to be continually reminded of the worst day of his life?  How do you think Jesus Christ feels when he sees so many images of him bloodied and ready to die?  I think he gets a bit queasy, but then again that’s just how I react if there were a million depictions of the way I was brutally murdered.  He probably wants to be depicted more in the style that was presented in the movie Dogma, with a nice smile on his face.  The Bible talks about this guy like he’s some sort of God with him being all nice and wise all the time.  Me thinks that Mr. Christ would like a few more images of him helping out some poor people or hanging with his disciples.  A friendly picture of Jesus hanging with the fellas and cracking open a tall cold brewski would probably put a smile on our old savior’s face more than the umpteenth picture of a Roman solider jamming a nail into his wrists.  The man-god is most likely suffering from intense post-traumatic stress disorder and we keep reminding him of the moment he’s taken so many therapy classes to move on from.  Every time he wants to check in on how his flock is honoring him, he is forced to stare at the worst moment in his life.  It’s enough to make a man-god bring on the rapture.

I would like to bring the conversation back to Ash Wednesday.  It’s weird to put ashes on your forehead just as it is equally strange to eat foods meant to represent your savior.  All religions do weird stuff, but Christians, Jews, and Muslims get a general pass because they are the grizzled vets who have been through the rookie hazing that Mormonism and Scientology are receiving right now.  Imagine if we all still believed in the Aztec human and virgin sacrifice religion.  If we saw these crazy people with dirt on their foreheads we would laugh and mock them like I am doing right now.  We’d ask why they don’t just sacrifice 12 virgins to the Sun God like normal people do when they want their problems solved quickly (if you’re in a pinch 30 cows will do as well). 

So in closing I’d like to say: Ash Wednesday it’s kind of stupid.  Even my fairly religious nana said that in honor of the day she was going to put some pasta sauce on her forehead.  If she makes a semi-decent joke about something, it has to be pretty silly.