St Patrick's Day Tips

St Patrick’s Day falls on a Monday this year but the celebration will begin today due to what I can only imagine is an overwhelming love of Irish culture.  St Patrick’s Day was originally started to fill the void of a March drinking holiday.  January has Martin Luther King Day, February has Ulysses S. Grant or President’s Day, April has Manischewitz Appreciation Week or Passover, and May, of course, has the night after the AP Physics exam.  All are important drinking days and the St. Patrick’s Day weekend fills the March void.  My last few St. Patrick’s Day outings have been in the ballpark of what constitutes a successful holiday.  Instead of drinking alcohol, I ingested copious amounts of illicit substances and rather than destroy public property, I destroyed a private reputation.  When I said ballpark understanding of the holiday I meant it.  So, in preparation for this year’s festivities, I have rounded up a list of tips to have a successful St Patrick’s Day celebration.  Enjoy! 

1)      Partake in the ancient and sacred Irish tradition of discriminating against Gay people (double points if it’s in a parade). 

2)      Eat a traditional Irish meal of Corned Beef with a side of Leprechaun’s wife.  Make sure the Leprechaun watches.

3)      Everybody wears Celtic green on St Patrick’s Day.  Celebrate an alternative St Patrick’s Day with a neon green shirt.  Who’s a conformist now?

4)      Today is officially the day to whip out your Cinco de Mayo advent calendar.  The celebration never ends!

5)      Watch a few Conan O’Brien St Pattys Day clips.  Then watch every Conan remote and Jordan Schlansky bit.  Then watch every Triumph bit.  Then watch as a once productive day has died a slow but hilarious death.

6)      Honor the mundane and boring stuff you do daily by adapting it into a larger series written by James Joyce.  Smells like a future Penguin Classic to me!

7)      Learn the proper way to slowly pour a Guinness out of a glass and into the ground.  Show off your new knowledge at the nearest AA meeting.   

8)      Acting upon seeing a “Kiss Me I’m Irish” shirt usually leads less to future freeform smooching and more to future alerting the neighborhood that you’ve just moved in.

9)      St Patrick’s Day started as a religious holiday but turned into a drinking holiday.  If you think this is a strange turn of events let me just point you towards the holiday of Easter. 

10)   Today is the only day in New York City you can get away with wearing anything Boston related.  Enjoy this temporary freedom while it lasts because mark my words, if I catch you wearing that goddamn Celtics jersey tomorrow so help me god I will hit you over the head with a tire iron. 

If you follow these ten tips you will be well on your way to enjoying St. Patrick’s Day.  If you choose not to follow these tips you will also be on your way to enjoying St. Patrick’s Day.  Either way I really don’t care.  Just have a good time and please invite me to your parties for I have no plans this weekend as I spent this entire week writing up this incredibly dumb list of suggestions.  That’s all I do, sacrifice myself to help you people out which in turn makes me the living embodiment of St Patrick.  I will graciously accept your apologies now.