Apparently I have a birthday coming up on Saturday so in
preparation for the big day I have composed a list of things I wish/not wish to
happen on the anniversary of my birth.
Things I wish to happen on my birthday:
The aging process stops for me in a way that is not related
to my immediate death. In short, I
become the happy go-lucky Dorian Grey and outlive everybody until the sun
explodes or Manhattan floods due to global warming.
Me and my merry band of well-wishers somehow travel back in
time, place bets on every major sporting event and clean the fuck up.
I somehow meet Bob Dylan and he invites me and my merry band
of well-wishers out for a night on the town that culminates in a sneak preview
of his new album and a happy parting of the ways with an invitation to hang out
whenever he is in town.
I somehow meet Woody Allen who says he enjoys my writings
and subsequently asks if I would like to be involved with his next
picture. He then says he has decided to
do a couple of stand-up shows and invites me to a test run of his new material.
I do not get intense food poisoning from the very large and
most likely rich meal I have on my birthday.
The night for me and my well-wishers ends with a fulfillment
of the famous prophesy made by Rodney Dangerfield at the end of Caddyshack:
Also there should be a chorus of nananana’s serenating
us throughout the evening.
Me and my merry band of well-wishers are all dressed with
top hats and canes and perform a flawless rendition of “Puttin’ on the Ritz”. One can dream.
Things I don’t want to happen on my Birthday:
Murder most foul.
Murder most unfoul.
Murder in general.
I somehow meet my idols (the people in points 3 and 4 on the
positive list) and I get into a Larry David-esque misunderstanding/blow up with
them that haunts me until the day I die.
A sincere utterance of the phrase “Obamacare and the
government” coupled with a firm “wake up sheeple”. Not on my watch.
Somebody wears
sweatpants. So help me God if I see that
foul piece of clothing I will be engaging in bullet points 2 and 3 from Things
I don’t want to happen on my Birthday.
Jesus decides to return to Earth and commence with the
judging. Of all days to start the end of
the world and shatter my system of beliefs (or non-belief) you choose
today? Way to plan it oh king of kings.
The Yankees lose to the Red Sox. We really need to sweep these bums from
Boston to stay in the hunt and plus they just traded all their pitching! Let’s sweep the series fellas. If you’re not gonna do it for me, well then
do it for the Captain. Jeet can’t go out
without a last chance at October glory.
That guy decides to make an appearance. Yeah, that guy.
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