Things I don’t understand about Tinder
1)
Mentions of dead relatives. I have come across some people’s bios that
have a tagline of RIP followed by a family member or friend’s name and date of
death. Some bio taglines have multiple
dead people in them. Why would you put
this as your bio on a website designed to get people laid? Death, to me, is the ultimate anti-aphrodisiac
and brings upon death freak-out mode Jason which occurs anytime I contemplate
my greatest fear. I do not want to be
reminded of my mortality while perusing a casual sex app. I simply do not understand the point of
having your bio be occupied by a shout out to the recently deceased. This is the one place to say something interesting
about yourself that a few pictures cannot convey and you choose to squander
this opportunity by making me feel kind of sad for you. It’s not like I knew the person you weep for
on your Tinder bio. I at most will feel
a general sadness for you and then swipe right because it is silly to limit my
options.
2)
Prostitutes.
Why would I pay for sex on an app designed to get me free sex? If I want to hire a prostitute I can use the
more conventional means of Craigslist, Backpage, or the corner of 28th
street and 11th avenue. I
would never hire a prostitute from Tinder but I suppose the point is moot
because they never respond to my messages anyway…
3)
People that mock Tinder. Yes meeting people from Tinder is unconventional
and is online dating lite, but is it really that strange? I know plenty of people who have formed
relationships from Tinder matches and they seem to be doing just fine. As mentioned earlier, Tinder is at most
online dating lite. I view Tinder as an
app for people interested in casual relationships as opposed to OKCupid which
is like match.com but for young people (match.com is for those trying to get
married or at least be in an annoying commercial). But people will still mock Tinder because it
is a cheap form of online dating and we as a society still think that is
lame. I get that for sure and still
agree with that sentiment but to me it is not that different from going up to a
stranger in a bar or “adult social gathering” and attempting to sleaze into
someone’s pants. At least with Tinder
there is the appearance of the mutual opt in and the ability to go in with some
prior knowledge about the person (shared Facebook likes huzzah!). In both options (bar or Tinder) you throw out
or respond to a line and wait to see what happens. At least with Tinder, if you fail you don’t
have to live with the soul crushing pain of watching someone succeed where you
horribly faltered or the other soul crushing pain of having to move venues because
you really fucked up. Now this is not
saying anything against bars, other than the fact that they mostly suck. I’m just
putting it out there (in my best super villain voice) that we’re not so
different you and I (you of course being bars/clubs and I being tinder. The super villain voice is up to you but if
you must know I choose to perform the line in the style of the Phantom Limb
from the Venture Bros.).
4)
Picky people.
Just swipe yes to everybody; you have nothing to lose and in the process
you maximize your chances. It’s science people! I will also note that it is entirely possible
to un-match with a person and boom no harm done. A potential crisis easily averted.
5)
Complaining that Tinder is shallow. Yes it is shallow, but frankly when are we
not shallow as a people? I find myself
judging people’s attractiveness all the time on the street and I’m almost
positive they are doing the same to me based on the looks I get in passing. Park
benches were invented for the sole purpose of judging others in either a catty
or witty way. Returning to using my
example of meeting people in an “adult situations”, we normally approach
someone at a bar/club/social setting based on if we are physically attracted to
them. Typically, we don’t approach
people we are not attracted to unless we are trying to win an evil and morally bankrupted
bet with a friend or trying to prove a point about how not shallow we are. Sure the person may have done something that
piqued your interest like discussed how their favorite musician is Bob Dylan,
but usually it’s because you think the person in question is easy on the eyes. Tinder is just an online extension of our
shallowness.
6)
Myself.
Why am I on this app? I live in a
city of 8 million people but use a sleazy app in an attempt to get laid or find
a fleeting moment of personal happiness that comes with an attractive match or
successful person to person meeting.
What is my soul becoming? Does it
rot that much more on ever successive swipe and on every sent message? Is my portrait becoming more unbearable in
that attic? Is my flower wilting at a
pace that not even Belle can stop? I
stare into my mirror and see only a shadow of a reflection what was once the
beginnings of a well-rounded young man.
It used to be different, much different before the endless swiping and
constant judging. Will those times ever
return? Will the man in the mirror ever
look back at me favorably? Will I ever
escape these doldrums of…ooh wait a minute, a new match. A sexy
new match. Only 3 miles away and
likes the Warriors, ooh that’s exciting!
Time to hit her with a “CAN YOU DIG IT”.
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