The Return of Robinson Cano or Robinson Cano Slowly Jogs Back to Yankee Stadium

The big question tonight at Yankee Stadium will be whether or not we Yankee fans should/will boo Robinson Cano.  During the offseason, Cano went with the money and signed with the Seattle Mariners and spurned the franchise that helped to grow and develop him.  It was ironic and lead many a Yankee fan to repeat Batman’s best line in the Dark Knight Rises, “so that’s how that feels” (the gruffness of the reading may vary from person to person).  Stealing homegrown players from other franchises is our thing and boy does it feel pretty bad when it happens to us.  So tonight when Cano enters the batter’s box as an opponent rather than a friend in pinstripes the question of what to do emerges.  Should he be cheered, booed, or just stared at quietly?  For the answer to this question and possibly more, I invite you to follow me to the next paragraph.

Oh hello, I didn’t notice you here for a second.  My, you truly do look great!  How long has it been?  Since last paragraph?  Why it’s been far too long.  Okay, okay back to the question of how to react when Robinson Cano enters the batter’s box.  Now the rational fan or Gallant will cheer politely for Cano thanking him for his nine great seasons as a Yankee.  The man was a great cog in the puzzle from 2005-2009 and became the team’s best hitter from 2010 to 2013.  Hell, last year he was the only thing keeping the team afloat.  But the rational fan is only fun to deal with when you need to win an argument or are dealing with a fan more obnoxious than yourself.  The obnoxious fan or Goofus will boo the shit out of Cano until he collapses into the fetal position in the batter’s box realizing he’s made a huge mistake (I’ve called the Yankee organization and suggested they roll G.O.B. saying that every time Cano enters the box).  Being obnoxious at a sporting event is too much fun to pass up.  How many times in real life can you boo somebody for doing something you yourself would have done (taking the money)?  Sure I think the notion of being a “true Yankee” is ridiculous but if I were at the game you can guarantee I’d be shouting that old axiom in Cano’s general direction.  If there is one thing growing up during the Bush Presidency has taught me, it is that being an idiot can be a hell of a lot of fun.      

Plus, obnoxious fans are what add that extra layer of excitement to a game.  When I went to a Yankee-Met game last year the only worthwhile part was when a Yankee fan threw his drink at the legion of Mets fans sitting below us.  Sure it was mean, petty, and disgraceful, but it was the only highlight after a night of watching the Yankees get massacred.  Sometimes that obnoxiousness is all the fan has left.  Plus we’re New Yorkers and damn proud of it.  Being obnoxious jerks to our opponents and our own team is our MO (for the own team part I direct you to the 2013-2104 Knicks).  I’d be disappointed if we didn’t boo and be general hypocrites about the whole chasing the money thing.  This sort of obnoxious New York passion is missing from the new Yankee Stadium five years in.  When you attend a game nowadays, the stands are half full and half the people there are in suits.  The yelling isn’t as loud and the dirty chants aren’t as dirty.  I’m hoping that Robinson Cano’s return ignites some of the passion that has been lost in Yankee Stadium.  Let Robinson Cano get a mixed reaction or let it be 2/3 boos and a 1/3 cheers, the actual fractional break down doesn’t matter (but it should be at least 51% boos).  I just hope the stadium is alive with the energy that used to consume it on a daily basis.  I also hope Cano doesn’t hit a home run in his first at bat because that would suck.  I just want to see Cano ground out to the second baseman and see how hard he runs it out with all of Yankee Stadium glaring at him.  Now that will be exciting.    

Fast Food Commercials

Fast Food Commercials

Wendys

If there was one corporate mascot I would loathe seeing on my lunch run or at any occasion where I had to pick out something to eat, I’d have to go with the Wendy’s lady.  Every time somebody is eating a mildly disappointing meal she magically appears with a snotty remark about how much more satisfying her collection of grease is and how she saved 40 cents unlike some loser she knows.  In short, she’s a spirit crusher.  The non-Wendy’s eaters in her commercials are young professionals who are coming to terms with the fact that they have sold out their youthful ideals for a secure but boring lifestyle.  They have become part of the corporate culture and have realized that they are now part of the problem.  The only solace during the workday these young sellouts have is the thirty minute to an hour lunch break where they can break free of their soul crushing institution and enter a world where only getting a decent meal matters.  While these various young professionals are quietly contemplating what went wrong after college (or University) with a decent sandwich from a local eatery, they are approached by the one person in the world not affected by eating Wendy’s on a daily basis.  Instead of sitting down and starting and joining in on a discussion on last night’s thrilling television twist or riveting sport event, this red haired lady decides to further kick these poor people to the curb by mocking the only food that fits their expense to health ratio.  The young professionals try to explain to the redheaded woman that they had Wendy’s a week ago with her, but she will not listen to their pleading nor will she take pity after hearing the waver in their timid voices.  She cackles at their pathetic looking sandwiches (on wheat bread no less) and proudly eats her new Asian/Mexican/California/something salad soaked with more calories than you can shake a Whopper at while forcing a bacon cheeseburger down Fred the vegan’s mouth while shouting “now that’s better” .  Lunch has been ruined again.

Taco Bell

If I may pull a Seinfeld for a minute, what’s the deal with all these Taco Bell Ronald McDonald commercials?  Telling me that somebody with a similar name to a famous clown does not make me crave Taco Bell; it makes me feel sorry for people named Ronald McDonald after 1963.  What kind of a thoughtful parent would name their child after a grotesque hamburger hawking clown?  Those poor young Ronald McDonalds must have had it tougher than the rest for a long, long time.  But if I may return to Taco Bell, having people merely named Ronald McDonald support your breakfast heart attacks does nothing more to make me want to purchase them than having a guy named Henry Ford support a Toyota.  If it was the Henry Ford supporting a Toyota over a Ford I would consider taking his advice (but not really because Henry Ford was an anti-Semite).  Same goes for the Ronald McDonald fiasco.  If it were the actual people behind the makeup shilling for Taco Bell, then I’d consider going down and clogging my arteries with eggs and bacon wrapped in a waffle.  But, as with the Henry Ford scenario, I would not take these former clowns advice (for the record it would be for a completely different reason than the Henry Ford anti-Semite reason).  In the end, a clown mascot is just a clown mascot.  What does a guy in clown suit know about which product is better?  Chances are the guys in the clown suits have only ever eaten at McDonalds and would be ill prepared to give me a sound judgment on which fast food chain is less nauseating to eat completely sober.  For this query I would like the opinion of the food scientists who engineered such meals to put on our plastic trays and keep us clamoring for more.  So if Taco Bell wants me to eat whatever they are hawking, wheel out some empirical data and people in lab coats to tell me that this egg sandwich is slightly superior to the egg sandwich at McDonalds.  Is that so hard?

Stephen Colbert

I had mixed feelings when I heard the news that Stephen Colbert would be taking over the Late Show when David Letterman retired.  The only way I knew how to express my mixed feelings was to write a lame Facebook status/tweet and hope that it would go viral.  Out of that social media failure rose this article like the phoenix rising from the ashes or the urge get some page views on the old blog.

As I pronounced earlier, I had mixed feelings about the late night shake up news.  The Colbert Report has been my favorite show on television and I have devoted much of my time to being a faithful member of the Colbert Nation.  Where else on television could you see anything like the stunts Colbert gleefully pulled?  There was the Colbert SuperPac, him running for President of South Carolina, his quests to rename everything after himself (bridges, NASA treadmills, hockey mascots), and his Better Know a District series.  The show was one of the few programs that had scientists, authors, politicians, and musicians as regular guests.   Watching them deal with the Colbert character and seeing Colbert improvise and sometimes best his guests were moments of great hilarity.  Despite the limitations of playing a right wing blowhard, Colbert was able to grow and advance his character (slightly).  The Colbert Character is as much a conservative as he is an egotistical blowhard and a delight to watch on a daily basis.  So, on the selfish reason of losing my favorite show at the end of the year, I was sad upon hearing the news.

Stephen Colbert the person is greatly deserving of Letterman’s chair.  Like Letterman before him, Stephen Colbert put out a show that was greatly different than the late night shows before him and has become one of the most respected people in the comedy world.  In the interviews I’ve seen, Stephen Colbert the person is a widely funny, endlessly kind, and all in all, a very smart man.  There is no doubt that he won’t own the Late Show seat like Letterman before him.  Colbert is a born improviser and it would be unfair to ask him to play the same narrow, but hilarious, character for life.  A Mad Magazine summary of the Colbert Report claimed that the reward for Colbert’s great improvising skills is that he gets to play the same character day in and day out.  With that note, let’s allow the real Colbert free and let him soar like majestic bald eagle he is.  I hope that CBS will let Stephen Colbert do what he wants with his new show and they don’t force him to put on a garden variety talk show with a decent monologue, a decent desk bit, and an interview with 2 actors and a musician.  We have enough of those shows.  Let Colbert shake up the Late Show and do as he pleases.

The last eight months of the Colbert Report will have the air of a Viking funeral.  With every laugh at the antics of “Stephen Colbert” there will be that annoying voice in the back of my head reiterating that my favorite show is coming to an end.  Last night on the Report, Colbert mentioned Letterman’s retirement but then never said he was the successor.  He simply said that person will have big shoes to fill and then bam, it was straight on to Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA.  The show proceeded with its freight train speed and laser sharp satirical focus as if an announcement had never been made.  It quenched my fears to see that the Colbert Report will be going strong till the very end and I’m a little ashamed at myself for thinking otherwise.  The Colbert Report will go out in a blaze of glory and I can’t wait to follow the show and cry at Colbert’s last closing good night speech (I will cry and I will be damn proud of my tears).  

Hopefully the last show will feature him engaging a bear in an epic clash reminiscent of when Gandalf fought the Balrog.  At the end of the battle, Stephen Colbert will awake and realize his job is not done and that he needs to reenter the realm of the late night talk show.  But like Gandalf the Grey, “Stephen Colbert” will be dead.  Instead, he will rise up, walk to the Late Show, take the name Stephen Colbert, and begin his new journey as network late night host.  Now that would be a finale for one of the best shows of this century (it’s fun to use that phrase).  Congratulations Stephen Colbert, we all wish you well and hope that the next show is at least half as amazing as the Report!   

@midnight Review

At midnight (I’m not starting off a paragraph with a “@” sign) is a curious show. The greatest service the show provides the viewing public is a chance to see comedians who get little mainstream exposure and to observe how well their personal style can adapt to a rapid pace riffing on something environment.  At its highest form, @midnight can become a Johnny Carson for the modern world by showcasing and emphasizing little known or niche comics to a larger audience.  Johnny Carson was the king of introducing new talent and voices to a mainstream audience.  When he invited a comedian to come over and chat that was the universal sign for you’re gonna make it after all (throw hat into the air).  Today the late night comedy talk show circuit is not used as a launching pad for young comedians mainly due to the fragmentation of the late night comedy world and the hyper focus on the host.  Whereas everybody was watching Carson from the 60’s to the early 90’s, today we have a myriad of options to turn to watch a funny person interview a celebrity/not funny person.  Making a good impression on one show means that you’ve reached an audience of a million as opposed to the giant audiences Carson used to accrue (the benefits of competing against 2 channels).  The only late night show I can think of that has launched major talent has been The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  Otherwise, the focus is mainly on the person in the show’s title.

Chris Hardwick’s show can serve as a stepping stone for young or just unseen comics to get mainstream exposure.  The focus of the show should be on the comedians getting their riffs in and not a strict adherence to the quasi-game show formula.  The funniest @midnight episodes have had the guests derail the show to embark on strange tangents.  Also, the best @midnights feature Chris Hardwick disappearing into the role of just another commentator rather than driving force and chief funny man.  My preference would be for Chris Hardwick to follow the model Bill Maher has set during his panel discussions on Real Time.  When Maher has a lively panel, he sits in the background and seamlessly transitions into just another voice on the show, albeit one who shifts the topics and provides a timely joke.  When the panel is faltering or just not that good, Bill Maher takes the lead and drives the conversation.  Chris Hardwick should strive for this model as he sometimes will dominate episodes that need no dominating.  He should step into the background for shows where the comedians are really clicking.  That would be greatly appreciated.  Conversely when the show is stalling by all means I implore him to take over the show for it is his show and he is a funny host.  On a whole, the comedians should drive the tone of the show and Hardwick should adapt to where the show is going and not ground it in a quasi-game show format.  Free form is what I’m asking and I hope he delivers.

Another great aspect of the show is the episodes with a theme cast.  Having a group of people familiar with each other sets the proceedings with an unparalleled level of comic camaraderie and chemistry and subsequently invites the strange and fun occurrence of seeing familiar people in different places and in different roles.  A theme cast episode once a week is something the show should keep.  The main advantage I would give @midnight over other talk shows is that it is ultimately four funny people making jokes for a half an hour.  Most late night talk shows feature a decent to funny monologue with a decent to funny second bit and then it’s time to turn the channel when the first guest comes out.  Unless the guest is somebody I enjoy, the interview segments are usually weak unless the interviewer is Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, David Letterman (still does a classic interview), or Craig Ferguson (he makes anyone and anything hilarious).  To me watching a skilled comedian interview a reality star is a waste of the skilled comedian’s time and talent.  @midnight never has this problem.  If a joke fails, fuck it because another one liner is seconds away.  A show with a rapid pace will always have at least a few good jokes per segment, it’s simply science people.   

So that’s why I prefer @midnight to the normal stuff that occupies the 12 o’clock spot.  The show has great promise and has delivered so far.  I’ve seen comics I’ve never heard of and realized that nearly every comedian is part of a podcast (who knew) and that Chris Hardwick produces about 75% of them.  The show has some faults and uses a lot of subtle product placement (starting off a segment about how cool this blank product is) but overall it’s a hell of a lot better than watching the back half of most talk shows.  So I say live long and prosper @midnight and I will watch your show if nothing more compelling is on at midnight (ha) or if the on demand channels are playing nothing but crap.  

2014 Yankees Preview

For most teams an 85 win season represents a decent if not good season.  Those teams are not the New York Yankees.  To paraphrase Fielding Mellish, a traitor to our country, last season was a travesty.  It was a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.  85 wins?  I’ve never been more disgusted with a New York team since I glanced over and read the latest headline concerning the Knicks.  After last year’s disgrace of what some would call a “season”, the Yankees regrouped and did what they do best: buy good to great names/players.  Sure we lost Robinson Cano, but in exchange we got some players that might run to first base and also hit in the postseason (for the purpose of this sentence I am ignoring all the glorious and wondrous moments Robinson Cano has given us over the years to focus on his few shortcomings – like hitting in the playoffs.  2012: never forget).  The 2014 Yankees season will be an interesting one to say the least and will feature new faces and the farewell season for the Captain.  I have compiled a mini-scouting report on our opening day roster to help us get better acquainted with the 2014 Yankees:

Opening Day Lineup

Jacoby Ellsbury: He subscribes to the rule of getting seriously injured every other season and as luck would have it, this year is the injury year.  Otherwise, it sure is fun to steal great Red Sox players and I look forward to seeing him get booed without mercy on his return to Fenway.

Derek Jeter: If anybody says one bad thing about the Captain, I will get madder than usual when somebody beseeches the Captain’s good name.  Derek Jeter is a god amongst baseball men and should be treated with extreme reverence if only for his impeccable dating record.  Contrary to popular belief, Jeter is not retiring this season but rather ascending to baseball heaven where he will spend his days known as the truest of the true Yankees.

Carlos Beltran: Better late than never or third times the charm or whatever cliché you want to put to Beltran finally donning the Yankee pinstripes.  Beltran is known as a clutch postseason hitter so look out for unreal expectations to hit if the Yankees make the postseason.  Anything less than a .400 average will produce A-Rod level booing from the Yankee faithful.  As for the regular season, true hard, do well, and don’t get hurt!

Brian McCann:  It will be a weird sensation to have a competent if not good catcher behind the plate after the whole Chris Stewart/Austin Romine debacle of last season.  It’s nice to have a real tough guy on the team and I can’t wait to see who he starts an unwritten rules fight with first.  If he attacks Big Papi he’ll instantly have a Yankeeography waiting for him at the end of the season.

Mark Teixeira: Count me among the delusional fans that believe it’s only a matter of time before Tex finds his 2009 golden form.  Regardless, it will be nice to see some killer defense at first and the predictable ground ball into the shift.  Tex we missed you!

Alfonso Soriano: Back and it feels so good.  I didn’t realize how much I missed you until you had that amazing week where you ate the Angels alive.  Never forget to gloat after each home run (we all secretly love it).

Brett Gardner: I’m not going to win any awards saying this, but it’s probably a good thing that Gardner’s the only player left on the roster from last year’s opening day squad (other than he who shall not be named).  For a guy with his talent and speed I’m always surprised to see him hitting around .270 instead of .300.  This guy should be the king of the 50 foot squibbler.  I look forward to hearing your chicken fried theme song and seeing that huge blue glove thing you wear on the base paths.

Brian Roberts: This would have been a great pick up around 6 years ago.  Right now let’s just hope he stays healthy and stops the bleeding from the loss of Mr. Charming Smile (he who shall not be named.  Robinson Cano).

Kelly Johnson:  I got nothing against this guy, but I would have preferred to see the fallen and banished Yankee at this spot.  A full season of A-Rod shenanigans would have been lovely.  Remember how much fun and excitement was generated by the fallen one’s cameo appearance last season.  Extrapolate that to a full season and it would have been one of the most entertaining shitshows in baseball history.  So thanks for denying us this one Bud Selig (side note – Bud Selig sucks).

Bench

Francisco Cervelli: He’s still on the team?  Good luck then I suppose.

 

Dean Anna: I have no idea who this is.  Sounds like the same crusty old dean trying to get rid of the Delta house.  God how I hate that Dean…

Yangervis Solarte: The man whose hot hitting kept Eduardo Nunez off the roster.  For that I say thank you and keep up the hot hitting.

Ichiro Suzuki: Aside from Jeter, he is the coolest Yankee.  From the way he dresses to the answers he gives reporters, Ichiro is Ichiro.  I don’t care that he hits .260.  He’s Ichiro and Ichiro makes everything better or at least more interesting.

Starters

CC Sabathia:  The weight he lost last year is equivalent to an 18 year old Jason Thompson (a handsome 18 year old Jason Thompson).  The big question is whether CC will regain his ace status or just simply not pitch terribly.  We will be able to gather all information needed after his start against the majors resident Triple A team, the Houston Astros.

Hiroki Kuroda:  He pitched well for most of last season until tiring out and playing like the rest of the squad.  Look for Kuroda to be a Hiro (see what I did there) before pitching long enough to see himself become the villain.  Either that will happen or he will become Two-Face.  The choice is his.

Ivan Nova:  Another wildcard in the Yankee rotation as fans will look to see if he is the good kind of SuperNova that pitches well and produces beautiful images of space or the bad SuperNova that pitches poorly and destroys everything in its path.  Yes, I have been watching Cosmos thanks for noticing.

Masahiro Tanaka: Anything less than 20 wins and a 2.00 ERA will be counted as a colossal failure.  No pressure.  No pressure at all.

Michael Pineda:  By virtue of simply being on the roster makes us the winner of the Montero to the Mariners trade.  If he wins a few games, we are simply playing with the house’s money.  But really he should win some games and be good because c’mon already, like seriously guys.

Bullpen

Dellin Betances:  Impressed in the spring and could work his way up to setup man.  No bad joke, I just feel there should be at least one factual statement in this article.

Shawn Kelley:  Should really just change his name to Sean Kelly.  It’ll be easier for all of us. 

Vidal Nuno:  Better a Nuno on the team than a Nunez (I’m not really a fan of Eduardo Nunez).

David Phelps:  Always the bridesmaid, ah David Phelps.  One day you will walk down the aisle to a consistent starting spot and when you do you’ll look beautiful.  Oye look away I’m a mess right now.

David Robertson:  Replacing a longtime fan favorite is tough, but replacing the greatest closer of all time is a piece of cake.  Look for Mr. High Socks to get the benefit of the doubt if he doesn’t immediately perform like the greatest closer of all time because fans are rational beings not at all prone to hysterics.

Matt Thornton:  For some reason I think he’s not going to be all that great.  I don’t know why, I just have this feeling.

Adam Warren:  Has a name that would make him perfect for cleaning up small Texas towns as a deputy Sherriff, but what do I know.  If he wants to turn his back on his destiny to be a long reliever for the Yankees that his mistake to make.

So there you have it, the 2014 New York Yankees.  Let’s win one for the Captain and the fans because it has been an insufferable 4 years without a ring.  Oh, the horror.  The horror.