Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2014 Predictions

Here are some predictions for 2014: with one hopeful prediction, one realistic prediction, and one bold prediction.

US FOREIGN POLICY
Hopeful: We make some progress in our peace talks with Iran and we start leaving the countries we occupy.
Realistic: The status quo remains; we find a new country to get mad at.
Bold: We finally invade and conquer Canada, finishing the job we started in 1812.

YANKEES
Hopeful: The Yankees win the 2014 World Series and set themselves up beautifully for a future dynasty,
Realistic: The Yankees go far in the playoffs but are unprepared for the next few seasons.
Bold: Alex Rodriguez becomes Commissioner of Baseball and orders executions of all who stand in his way as supreme leader of the Baseball Federation.

KNICKS
Hopeful: The Knicks turn it around and make a run at respectability and win some playoff games.
Realistic: Knick fans continue to be amazed at the news surrounding the world’s most dysfunctional team.
Bold: Knick fans protest a horribly run franchise by only selling out 90% of the remaining home games.

PRESIDENT OBAMA
Hopeful: Obama starts to act like a leader and doesn’t take no shit from these Republicans.
Realistic:  A hard road of bitterly fought compromises and half deals coupled with more damning revelations about our true secret government.
Bold: President Obama starts to act like Candidate Obama (this is a pipe dream).


MIDTERM ELECTIONS
Hopeful:  A real seismic change occurs in Congress which means an incumbency rate of only 85%.
Realistic: A semi-seismic change occurs in Congress which means an incumbency rate of only 90%.
Bold:   The Earth shatters as Congress yields only an 75% incumbency rate.  Oh the humanity!

PRIVATE TRANSPORTATION
Hopeful:  We start to use more environmentally friendly vehicles because c’mon already, my god.
Realistic:  People who drive those tiny, electric cars will be mocked on a continuous loop.
Bold:  Flying cars or jetpacks.  Please!

WOMEN’S ISSUES
Hopeful:  Women are finally able to live in a progressive, 21st century world away from all the regressive morons.
Realistic:  A million think piece articles on why _____ is/ isn’t a feminist.
Bold:  A man says something stupid about rape.  I mean, what other stupid shit is left to say?

RACISM
Hopeful:  Every Confederate flag gets taken down and burned and we put a moratorium on people shouting reverse racism.
Realistic:  Al Sharpton at the center of an event that doesn’t really concern him.
Bold:  Each race picks a champion and a race war battle royal commences to determine the superior race for the calendar year.  The results are final and there is no complaining.

BOB DYLAN
Hopeful:  Bob Dylan tours again and plays some crazy set lists with some crazy guests.
Realistic: Bob Dylan tours again and plays some crazy set lists.
Bold: Bob Dylan plays Blonde on Blonde in order for a concert.  Insanity ensues.

MOVIES
Hopeful: We stop splitting movies into millions of parts.
Realistic:  Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 2: The End Part 3: The Real Beginning of the End
Bold:  The Oscars Ceremony lasts for 8 hours - another example of how the Jews run Hollywood

TV
Hopeful: All the shows I enjoy watching come back strong.
Realistic:  A new show comes on that everybody likes and I don’t watch out of spite, only to find out 3 years later it was amazing and I was an idiot.
Bold:  Arrested Development movie/season 5 comes out.  Please.

MUSIC
Hopeful:  Bassface becomes all the rage.
Realistic:  The noose around the music industry grows ever tighter.
Bold:  The Grammy’s honor talent and skill rather than who can get them the biggest ratings.

THE FATE OF THE AUTHOR
Hopeful:  Become rich and famous and beloved for my expert writings and careful witticisms.
Realistic:  Win the lottery and stop writing these god awful blog posts.

Bold:  Beat my brother in a game of paddleball.  

Monday, December 30, 2013

Subway Musings

Subway Musings:

That girl in the Dr. Zizmor subway acne ad still doesn’t look so hot after she got her skin cleared.  She went from having some terrible acne to looking like the before picture in a weight watchers ad.  Plus the photo they use of her in the after shot looks like it has been heavily bleached.  She nearly changes ethnicities from picture to picture.  I’d love to see what she looks like today and if she has ever had to sit on the subway staring at her old acned face.  Imagine being reminded everyday on your morning commute on how ugly you once looked.  Now imagine that millions of people get to share in your disgust.  Sounds like the life to me!
I hate when people asking for money on the subway can’t finish their speech before the next stop.  These people should know how long each stop is and should have everything timed perfectly.  Its shoddy craftsmanship is what it is.  You have to know the restraints of your location.  Begging on the subway is an art and a skill.  You have to be able to sell to the rush hour Wall Street crowd and the midnight L train brigade.  Change it up, vary your word choice, and tailor you’re the lengths of your speeches (I cannot emphasize this point enough).   Hit all the major points (I’m out of work, been looking for a job, 2-3 kids) within no more than halfway to the next stop.  You don’t want to finish giving the speech of your career just for the doors to open on Canal Street and everybody to leave.  That’s not good begging.  Look to the subway dancers and jumpers.  They have their acts expertly timed to include both entertainment and money asking.  Watch them for a week or two.  Study how they time every single little detail.  Take some notes and put it all together and beg on the 6 train like a champ.

Those New York City Public Health posters are the scariest things on the subway.  All their ads are about paying child support, getting tested for venereal diseases, and losing your hearing.  Never a have a nice day post.  There’s always an ad with a picture of a baby crying or a young woman looking into an uncertain, but mostly likely miserable future.  And more importantly, what kind of parent would put their baby up as the poster child for practicing birth control?  I hope this kid never sees that he was the reason so many New Yorkers chose not to have a child.  Just one look at his crying mug and we all double timed it to Duane Reade.  Nothing says self-confidence like knowing you played the part of an unwanted child in a birth control ad.   


The subway.  Oh what wonders will you behold to our smiling and disheveled populace next?  Will it be a bum jerking off to the women sitting across from him?  Or will a race war break out late one night in the outer boroughs?  Only another magical ride will tell.   

Saturday, December 28, 2013

The Joke of The Wolf of Wall Street

WARNING: Contains spoilers about The Wolf of Wall Street - sort of, I guess

The joke was on us as we left the 10:00 PM showing of The Wolf of Wall Street at the Times Square AMC Theater.  We had all enjoyed the film and it was a great film, but the conversation of the group of Long Island gentleman in front of me and my friend showed the great power this movie possess.  This group of men kept talking about how awesome Jordan Belfort was and how the government wrongfully took his money.  They kept talking about how they were born in the wrong decade and how they would have been even more debauched if they were of age during the time this film took place.  They had fallen for joke of the film.  These guys actually thought they could be wolves of Wall Street.  They thought that if they had been born 15 years earlier they would have just strolled into a life of high class hookers and midget tossing.  Worst of all, they sympathized with Jordan Belfort and his buddies. 

They weren’t the only ones to sympathize with Jordan Belfort.  The movie does an incredible job of making the bad guys so likable and the good guys the villains.  Leonardo DiCaprio does a helluva job and should get numerous awards for his performance.  You laugh at their antics and go along with all their wild tales of debauchery and swindling and when reality hits, you feel bad.  When Leonardo DiCaprio gets his comeuppance, nobody in the theater clapped or applauded like in the scenes where he was cheating on his wife or fooling his middle class investors.  The theater was silent when the FBI sent him for his slap on the wrist jail sentence.  Nobody cheered when the FBI agents fucked with Belfort on his yacht.  They only laughed when Belfort told them to get off and threw money at them.  The bad guy got caught and nobody cheered.

The movie does do its part to set Jordan up as the villain to the audience but nobody in the theater seemed to care.  In several scenes he will start talking to the audience about the illegal procedure he is doing or begin explaining a finance term and will abruptly stop in the middle of his discussion.  He says that you guys don’t care about this and the film cuts to more scenes of stacks of money and naked women.  The villain is looking the audience straight in the eye and telling us we are too dumb to understand these practices and don’t care anyway.  All we want to see is the money and excess we will never achieve or earn in our lives.  We want to engage in the fantasy world that Belfort resides in.  Belfort got rich off middle class suckers and proudly wears that as a badge of honor.  The majority of the people at the Times Square AMC were proudly cheering on every move Leo made.  They could not see that they were the suckers.  Every early sale Jordan and his pals make in the beginning of the film is off middle class suckers like the ones watching the film.  And those people (including myself) couldn’t have clapped more in glee to watch him win every time.


The danger and brilliance of this movie lies in the viewer who sympathizes with Jordan and aspires to live that life.  They see a man who got everything he ever wanted and more and only had to repent with a 3 year prison sentence (he got out after 22 months).  The man beat the system and now gets his life immortalized by one of the greatest directors of our time.  He won and we lost.  And anyone who comes out of this film and wants to live the Jordan Belfort life just proves that his kind continues to win while the rest of us continue to lose.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Out of all the lovely movies that focus on Yuletide greetings and what not, my favorite is the 30 minute cartoon of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.  From Boris Karloff’s tongue-twisting narrating of Dr. Suess’s world to Chuck Jones’ Looney Tunes inspired sequences, nothing rates higher on my list of favorite Christmas movies.  Did you know that the guy who does Tony the Tiger’s booming voice is the same person who sings “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”?  Did ya, huh, huh?  That man has quite a cartoon resume.  The scenes of the Grinch slithering across the floor with that sinister grin never fail to amuse me.  But like all good stories, How the Grinch Stole Christmas raises more questions than it provides answers to.
Like, what does the Grinch do for the other 363 and a quarter days of the year?  He hatches his plan on Christmas Eve, and steals stuff on Christmas, but that leaves a whole calendar year free of Christmas like activities.  I wonder if he terrorizes children or runs a law firm in his free time when Christmas isn’t practically there.  Some think December 26th must be his favorite day of the year but I think it is not.  What if the Grinch is the Joker to Christmas’s Batman (stay with me here)?  I bet that old Grinch goes into a catatonic state until he sees the first Christmas light flicker or the first who-zippler who-zappling.  He starts to unthaw, but what really gets the Grinch going, is not the noise, noise, noise, but when the Whos down in Whoville practice singing their song.  A song that perfect in sound, must be practiced for weeks, and that probably drives the Grinch crazier than all the carved roast beasts.  He lives all the way on top of a mountain and can still hear all this singing and noise coming from the town way down below.  Why, the Grinch is at least 53 years old and probably doesn’t want to be fitted for a hearing aid.  So, shame on those Whos down in Whoville for all that noise, noise, noise!
I do enjoy all the burglary the Grinch partakes in, and how easily everybody forgives him.  He was only trying to ruin Christmas, so logic dictates that he would only steal Christmas related objects.  Instead, he decides to steal everything he can get his grinchy green fingers on.  He steals food that has nothing to do with the season.  He takes their ice from the ice trays.  He even steals fireplace logs.  The Grinch turns from holiday humbug into cunning kleptomaniac the second he enters the first home.  The best part is how he gets away with everything ever so cleanly.  Sure he returns everything, but how confused must the Whos down in Whoville have felt when they found out that their houses had been burgled a lot.  I know I would have been mighty mad to have been handed back all my non-Christmas items from a supposed “Christmas only” robber.  Plus, he himself, yes the Grinch, got to carve the roast beast.  That would have been the final straw.  Here I am a pillar of good tiding for the community 365 days a year, watching a serial burglar get to carve out food for the whole town.  And he gave his dog the biggest piece of meat.  The gross indiginity of it all!  I would have been so fumingly mad, I would have only mouthed the Fah who foraze or Welcome Christmas song during the great big sing along (but not really because I practiced really hard for weeks on that one). 
I find it cool that the Grinch, in all his grinchy evil, has a dog that generally seems to have a good time.  Aside from the reindeer episode, the Grinch treats his dog right.  They seem like good pals and it’s refreshing to see somebody with a heart two sizes two small have room in his ice lair for a delightful dog accomplice.  Max is the perfect companion for any holiday heist. 
The Grinch is my favorite of the holiday movies and I welcome it every year.  It comes every year without CGI, Claymation, or network greed.  A great Christmas special doesn’t come from a network think tank, because maybe a great Christmas special has a little bit more

Saturday, December 21, 2013

The Perfect Employee

Some Tips on Being the Perfect Employee:

Underdress at all times.  Nothing says a try-hard like wearing a suit or even a button up shirt.  Way to try hard try-hard. 

Do your best to instill a strong sense of distrust and dissent into your coworkers.  Do this by slowly convincing them that the work they are all doing is utterly pointless and vaguely evil. 

Provoke your fellow employees until they cause you physical or emotional harm that will lead to a big cash settlement and an early retirement.  Make sure to doctor all tapes and sound to make you the clear cut victim.  Also, make sure to not fall for any tricks at the hearing or arbitration.  If you have a neck brace and somebody makes a large noise behind you, resist the urge to instinctively turn your head that way.  That juts looks bad. 

Make sure to not talk about work related matters when your boss walks into the room.  We want our employer to think we have a life outside of this soul crushing job. 

Office gossip can be harmful to team morale and can make going to work a living nightmare for most people.  Those people are pussies.  It is your job to destroy them to keep our glorious company for the mentally strong. 

It is natural to feel some jealousy and resentment when your colleagues get promoted around you.  Turn those negative feelings around with an intricate plot of revenge.  That’ll teach those little try-hards. 

I hate try-hards.  Mock every try-hard at the office even if that means mocking yourself you little fucking try-hard.

Resist the urge to enjoy your work.  Enjoying what you do is the first of 3 steps to selling out and becoming a shell of the person you always wanted to be.

If they are asking for it, sexually harass that person.  Corporate will understand (chances are they are doing it right now).

If a colleague tells an unfunny joke, don’t laugh.  It will only encourage them.  Yell “haha, NOT FUNNY”.  Repeat this until they get the message.

When at an office party, only hook up with somebody in the copy room or on a copy machine.  Provide the room or the machine if the party location does not have either. 


Proudly display a countdown clock of how many more hours you’ll have to spend with these insufferable morons and their “important work”.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Openly Christian

In wake of this proud nation realizing that a redneck is a redneck, I have been fascinated by the comment sections on numerous web sites and the arguments that they sustain.  Those in support of the bearded duck man have been using a phrase I find to be curious.  This phrase is “openly Christian” and it usually pertains to how “Openly Christian” people are being persecuted in this country because one of their strongest adherents had his television contract was revoked.  As a hedonistic New York City atheistic Jewish person, this phrase of “Openly Christian” and the belief that true believers of the Christian faith are facing persecution in this country is something completely foreign to me. 
First off, what is an openly Christian person?  Even though they may hate the gay community, they certainly do know how to appropriate a killer phrase.  Openly Christian though.  How does that work?  Do scared, young teenagers gather their families together and explain to them that they are a follower of Jesus Christ?  Is one born Openly Christian or do they choose to be Openly Christian?  I like to think of a young man getting bullied for quoting the bible while the rest of his friends are involved in a Caligula style orgy.  This poor boy must have been trapped in the confessional for so long.  Coming out as a Christian most be one of the hardest thing to do in a country where only 75% of the populous identify as a Christian.  That means only 3 in every 4 people you meet will share your beliefs.  I certainly know I wouldn’t feel safe or protected in this country with those odds.   Where is the “It Gets Better” campaign for Christians coming to term with their faith?  How long can we sit along and let Openly Christian children get bullied?  I want a world where Openly Christian people are not bullied but are the bullies. 

The other thing that confuses me is this idea that “Openly Christian” people in this country are facing mass persecution akin to real persecuted groups.  It seems very difficult to persecute a group of people who hold a super majority in this country.  What are these modern forms of persecution?  Is it a series of lynchings for spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ?  Could it be a series of pogroms for adhering to the principles of the Christian faith?  Or is it simply not getting your way after continually getting your way since the founding of this country?  Manufactured Christian persecution always centers in on Christmas; the biggest holiday on the planet.  Every year there is a big hoopla about having to say Happy Holidays or something of the sort.  Why is that a problem?  Despite what the Hallmark Channel tells you, there are other holidays that occur in December.  Hanukkah and the Winter Solstice come to mind (the original Christmas).  It doesn’t hurt to live in a world that is inclusive and happy to acknowledge everybody’s winter holiday.

So now that one of the bearded duck men is on extended hiatus, freedom of speech for American Christendom has been threatened at fascist levels.  People have defended this man by saying he was quoting his bible when discussing his views on gays, but I am curious to see how these people defend him on his non-religious backed racism.  The comments he spouted pretty much likened black life in the Jim Crow South to a scene straight out of Song of the South.  Where are the Christians on this one?  Where is the outrage from the conservative right on how disgusting these comments where?  I can’t wait to see the Bobby Jindal statement or the 1,000 word Sarah Palin Facebook post protecting these comments from the PC police.  The man has freedom of speech for sure, but we also have freedom to criticize and condemn the hell out of him with our own freedom of speech.   

Openly Christian and the idea of modern Christian persecution in this country is just another attempt of people not adapting to the times.  Despite all this rhetoric, we are not a Christian nation.  Read the Treaty of Tripoli if somebody tells you otherwise.  Christianity is not threatened in this country like real persecuted groups (like perhaps a group of people today who still can’t legally marry in 33 states).  The duck guy is a bigot plain and simple.  Hiding behind his Christian faith won’t change that.  

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Exhaustion

Exhaustion is a unique feeling that emerges where only the sweet embrace of a flat surface can bring along an eternal relief.  That moment where when you lie down, your body begins to melt away and become one with the bed.  Your body no longer belongs to you.  Every muscle fades away until you realize that any movement will require a mental strength that you do not possess at this moment.  Maybe you never will regain the strength again.  But why move?  Everything you could ever wish for has been granted with this short respite from the day.  Now every blink of the eye progresses the day by a crooked number.  Whenever your lids shut, you are immersed in the middle of a new dream.  There is no beginning and there never is an end to the story.  You appear solely in the middle, ready to do what is required for the present crisis.  Of course when the moment overwhelms or underwhelms, you deftly regain consciousness only to dive headfirst into another story with subsequent blinking.  True to form, the story changes, but the timing never does.  You blink again and return to an old pirate tale, where the bombardment is already underway.  Before you can face the mutiny of your dastardly crew, you awake again, head fraught with exhaustion.  To move would be foolish, and most importantly, physically impossible.  Re-acquaintance with the world begins with a flushing of blood to the front of your head, or so it feels.  Who has ever woken up refreshed from a sleep designed to ward off the all-encompassing exhaustion?  Confronting the world as a tired soul is far better than being ripped from the beauty of heavenly rest.  Why would anyone ever want to cut short paradise?  Better to never experience it than to long for its passing spirit or anticipate its glorious second coming.  There’s nothing more to do but trudge on and wait for that heralded moment where the body again succumbs to exhaustion and basks in that sweet reward of a few unconscious hours.  

Monday, December 16, 2013

Pimples and Herpes


I swear that the thing on my lip is a pimple and not herpes.  I just get this same pimple now and again and for some reason it always happens to form near or on my lip.  It is filled with puss, but it is pimple puss not herpes puss.  Of course it’s not herpes, I just happen to have an open sore on my lip.  Think of it as a herpes looking pimple rather than plain old herpes.  I mean what kind of sleazebag do you take me for?  The ladies I hook up with are all class acts.  In fact, most of them look exactly like their picture on Backpage.  So let’s not talk about me, my ladies, and our collective class.  Because it’s there.  Maybe not at the end or during but believe me it’s in the nearby vicinity.  My point is that class has been involved in the proceedings, but to be fair, things only get fun when the class leaves.  This now loops me back to the fact that this bleeding sore on my face is just a popped pimple.  It looks a lot worse than it is.  Honestly, though it feels pretty bad.  But trust me, nothing to worry about.  I swear, it just comes and goes every couple of months like the gentle passing of a new season. 


Yes, it does hurt, but in a small pimply way, not in an open sore kind of way.  It just hurts okay?  But again, the way a pimple hurts.  I cannot emphasize enough that I do not have herpes.  At this present moment in linear time I am herpes free.   In the future it is possible that I may contract this disease and then this conversation would be very different.  Most likely you would have left already and had moved on to the guy with the herpes like pimple.  But that is a conversation for us to have in a few months or a conversation you just came from and thought what luck I’m talking to two guys with huge open sores on their mouths.  You hit the virus jackpot lady.  But with that other guy, not me.  Here you just hit the coincidence jackpot, or something, I really don’t know anymore.  Why are we still talking about my pimple?  Is it bleeding again?  Man, you ever get one of those really small pimples and when you pop it a gallon of blood comes out?  This is one of those, baby.  Right here on my mouth.  You should have seen it in its prime 30 minutes ago.  Blood was gushing like old faithful.  It was quite a sight to behold.  Beautiful in its own way.  Too beautiful, me thinks for this petty world to understand.  But when has beauty ever been truly appreciated?  Like Van Gogh and other greats, my pimple is misunderstood in its own time.  It bears the shackles of being the herp-a-derp when it is merely a lowly pimple filled with an excess of blood and puss.  Such is life.  Well, I feel like I’ve been going on for hours.  How bout you?  What’s the deal with your “pimple”?

Sunday, December 15, 2013

The War on Christmas

Santa Claus is a foreign concept to me.  For as long as I could remember I never believed in this jolly, fat man who traveled across the world giving presents to all the good boys and girls, but that may be due to the fact that I celebrated a lesser December celebration, the one with the candles and the weird top.  You know, the holiday that got the jingle ball rolling on the War on Christmas and with the help of our atheist allies will continue our work to dismantle a holiday that everybody loves and worships.  Yep, that’s why I say Happy Holidays rather than Merry Christmas.  I want everybody to feel the pain of belonging to an inclusive December rather than focusing on the holiday that orphans many young pine trees.  My holiday simply just lights innocent candles on fire for 8 nights.  We are dismantling the establishment, and sometimes from the inside.

If you went to any SantaCon event yesterday, you may have seen a multitude of naughty Saint Nicholas’s not living up to their saintly images.  They may have been standing in the middle of the street yelling and vomiting, or have been peeing all over Tompkins Square Park, or they may have simply just been stumbling and bumbling around town.  To the untrained eye, this was just a group of bridge and tunnel people traveling to our fair city attempting to compensate for their own meaningless suburban lives.  Now, you would be right with some of these people, but to the eye that has witnessed the inner sanctum of the masterminds behind the War of Christmas, SantaCon was one of our most ingenious coups.  What better way to turn the public against Christmas than to corrupt their incorruptible leader?  This is a man so universally beloved that we forget the fact that he utilizes a work force of enslaved elves (there is a great youtube documentary on this).  So what better way to turn the tide in the War against Christmas than to have their Saintly leader puking in front of impressionable children on the corner of 9th Street and 2nd avenue?  Every time you saw a Santa stiff a bar tab, or an elf grope anything with legs, that was our doing.  We had courageous men and women brave the cold and the snow and the Jersey crowd to do their part for the cause.  And they did it beautifully.  If anybody saw the Miss Claus fight right outside of Penn Station, you know what I mean.   


Now that SantaCon has ended,  the War on Christmas still rages on in its quest to destroy a holiday that has engulfed 4 month of the year and you’ll just have to guess what our next strike will be.  Obviously we have done a great job fighting Christmas due to the fact that only 95% of the people in this country celebrate it (30 years ago it was 95.6%).  It’s just a matter of time before we revert Christmas back into the pagan winter solstice celebration it started as and make people celebrate Christmas on Christ’s actual birthday or another random day.  Won’t that be a riot?  Imagine celebrating Christmas in a month other than December?  How stupid would that be?   I mean Christmas in July?  How dumb is that?       

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Sad Saga of Cliff Paul

If I were Cliff Paul, lame insurance agent, I would never forgive my mom and dad for the downright negligence and abandonment they displayed in the moments and days after my birth.  How did they leave the hospital without me, I’d ask incredulously.  When one gives birth to multiple children, I’m pretty sure they don’t have the option to choose the pick of the litter.  They can’t go into the nursery and say, I’ll take the one that looks like an NBA all-star, leave the insurance agent looking one.  Plus, what kind of shoddy hospital did these people choose to deliver their twins in?  Was leave your worst baby behind part of the birth plan?  Or is this just a hospital that makes mistakes.  Can you imagine a hospital forgetting that a woman gave birth to twins?  And even worse, what kind of parents would believe their mistake?  I must have dreamed the two heads I saw popping out of your vagina dear, I imagine Cliff and Chris Paul’s father said as they were handed one baby.  It makes no sense and could only exist in the world of insurance agents. 

I like to imagine that first meeting between Chris Paul and Cliff Paul.  There must have been miles upon miles of deep seated rage as he looked at the brother his parents chose to keep or simply remember about.   I imagine he looked at Chris surveying the possible options.  They could have both been all-star point guards or at least Cliff could have been living well freeloading as a member of the Chris Paul entourage.  Instead, he has taken on the life of an insurance agent, constantly dealing with idiot drivers and a corrupt corporate system to which he both despises and contributes to.  His paradoxical nature leaves him wide awake at all hours of the night pondering what could have been had he never been abandoned that fateful day at what would later be ranked as one of America’s worst hospitals.  If he had been taking by his birth parents, he may have never been sent to that Dickensian orphanage and fallen in with Fagan and his gang only to have it fall apart when Olivier Twist ruined all the fun.  He would have never rambled and gambled along those boxcars, drifting in and out of thankless work until he had to do the right thing and shoot his best friend Lenny in the back of the head.  Life may not have gone that way.  Life could have been like that show Entourage but alas, it was not to be.

I hope that Cliff Paul and Chris Paul meet in a public space to keep the tensions down, at least for appearances sake.  Cliff Paul would not like to be reminded of the luxury he potentially missed out on because of one hell of a hospital screw up.  I hope Chris Paul is courteous, understanding, and also takes a blood test.  Just because somebody looks like you doesn’t mean you guys are related (I found that out the hard way when I tried to fleece the actual Harry Potter, but that is a story for another time young inquisitive muggle).  I hope when Cliff Paul leaves his meeting with his brother, he feels a sense of closure, and I hope he finds what he is looking for when he gazes upon his birth parents for the very first time.  I hope that he at least eggs their house. 


I wish you the best in your life Cliff Paul and hope that you stop letting State Farm exploit your life for their commercials.  You deserve better Cliff.  You deserve better.  

Monday, December 9, 2013

Telling Time

Telling time is a ritual as old as the stars and as old as the fiery pit of eternal damnation that awaits a plethora of sinners or the odd Italian poet taking a delightful, insightful Sunday excursion.  So to put it shortly, knowing how to tell time is important.  Not Cuban missile crisis aversion important, but Gulf of Tonkin Resolution important.  So, judge it as you may.  Now to tell time, simply take out your smartphones and click the button that turns on your screen.  This may be the power button, or you may have to tap your screen a few times.  When the screen lights up, there should be 3-4 numbers stretched out horizontally across the screen.  Read the numbers and boom, time is told.  Any questions?  Yes, you in the back.  Yes, you, who else is raising their hand in the back?  Wait, whatdya mean you don’t have a smartphone.  You have a watch?  With big hands and little hands?  That’s absurd.  Children call that boy in the back absurd to reinforce how silly and poor this young man is.  You all don’t have smartphones?  Okay I see my mistake.  I didn't just mean smartphones.  Take out a flip phone or something of the sort.  Hell it could be a burner phone.  Just take out a phone or electronic device and read the numbers on it.  That’s how you tell time.  Jesus Christ, what year is this people?  1965?  For real? Of course, it all makes sense.  No wonder you guys all understood that Tom Jones eating joke.  And to think I thought you guys were well cultured.

1965, eh.  That’s a shocker.  I must use my future knowledge for good.  Children, heed my  warnings!  When I say these next words picture my voice wavering like that of a ghost.  No, it doesn’t have to be a ghost, but I would prefer ghostly tone.   Listen for once children!  Now, in my ghost voice, I warn thee to not roast Chevy Chase as it will be incredibly uncomfortable for all in attendance.  Also, make sure Abraham Lincoln doesn’t go to Ford’s Theater.  Also – what is it now?   Lincoln’s dead, a hundred years ago?  Oh, so strike that one.  Also, tell your parents not to vote for Nixon.  He’ll do something so terrible that it will scar our faith in politics for years to – what’s he gonna do?  What do you think that tricky man is up to?  Wow, well done.  You rally pinned that one right on the nose.  Now who will star in the movie about the reporters who take him down – right again!  You kids are smart.  Wow, he hasn’t even done The Graduate yet.  Well done children, I am impressed.  Do I have anymore what?  Warnings?  Oh yeah, uh, don’t worry about Vietnam, you kids should be alright.  The next one is the real one to be worried about.  Grenada.  Children, I’d start studying for that one now.  My bet is that half of ya won’t make it through that one.  Ah, I’m just messing with you guys.  This future power is fun. 


Jesus, when does this class end, at 45?  Well it’s 42 now, so you guys can talk to yourselves or, emphasis on the or, you can ask me more questions about the future.  Talk to yourselves, huh.  Fine, I guess you don’t want to hear music from the FUTURE.  No, you don’t care.  Fine, whatever you ungrateful children.  Talk amongst yourselves and make sure Lincoln doesn't step foot inside that theater!  

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Mom!

Thanks for continuing to play racquet and paddleball against me and Aaron even though we present no real challenge for you.  One day I’ll be able to beat you in a sport that requires a racquet related hitting device (squash is included).  And you won’t be able to blame the victory on the wobbly effects of playing on a cruise ship (ping pong related rant).  I’m in the prime of my life and I haven’t been able to win one paddleball game.  It’s getting embarrassing.
Thanks for letting me enjoy my post college malaise.  It’s been fun hanging out at home and reveling in the family fun and hilarious bickering I’ve missed.  I promise to move out as soon as I am able to fully pay for one of Bloomberg’s micro apartments.  I’ve already practiced for change by living under my desk for a couple days.  I can’t wait.  I will also miss our anti-Bloomberg talks.  He sucks. 
Thanks for eating enjoying a good sushi dinner.  You don’t just eat a California roll, you go all out.  That is very cool.  Also, thanks for being an avid sports fan.  Not many people can enjoy a catch with their mom or talk intelligently about sports with them.  It’s a nice perk to having a gym/physical education teacher as a mom.
Thanks for always being on the lookout for Bob Dylan t shirts and the tight pants for me to wear.  Your keen eye for our family’s idiosyncratic tendencies is well appreciated. 
I could write more, but I’m having another case of my writer’s block.  Use this section to fill in some of your favorite memories and moments.





Plus, pick out a good restaurant for dinner tonight!

Keep killin’ it mom and Happy Birthday!

Friday, December 6, 2013

Robinson Cano and Andrea Bargnani

Yankees

Well that’s a weird feeling.   I now know why all these other teams hate the Yankees.  We drafted young Robbie and trained him into the baseball player he is today.  We watched him break out of the gate as a quasi-savior in 2005 and become a great cog in the puzzle from 2006-2007.  We saw his struggles in 2008 and the rebirth and renewal that came with the 2009 championship team.  From 2010 to 2013 he blossomed into the best player on the team.  He was amazing.  We thought we had dibs on him and his future, but we lost to the candidate with the most money.  We lost to the Mariners.  Seriously.  I finally know that awful feeling that every team’s fan base has had to realize as a grim reality of the game.  Any homegrown player will eventual take the big payday and sign with the Yankees.  They may be rich or poor, they may be blind or lame, maybe living in another country, under another name, but they’ll eventually sign with the Yankees (lines adapted from the Bob Dylan song “Gotta Serve Somebody”).  The Yankees have been dumped for the new, rich kid on the block (again, really, the Mariners.  Does he want to set up a Nirvana tribute band? C’mon!).  Like any jilted lover it’s time to get back at the ole ex by fucking their best friend or sibling or parent or a delectable combination of all three.  Time for another giant, overspending spree to commence!  Let’s go for real petty measures.  I say we overpay for every franchise’s best or fan favorite players and give them all number 24.  We’ve done it twice this year with McCann and Ellsbury, who says we can’t do it again?  Buying every decent player on the market will help ease the pain, but that dumped feeling is going to linger on (like pale blue eyes).  No more of that vivacious smile.  The effortless swing is now gone up north.  Making a difficult play with relative ease: sent to the Emerald City.  My only consolation is that we won’t have to watch him jog into first again.  Enjoy that one Seattle.  The hatred felt against my beloved Yankees is starting to make sense.  I nearly called Cano a traitor, but then I remembered that loving feeling when we stole Ellsbury from those cavemen from Boston (fuck them).  You can’t predict baseball, Susan.  We can always buy him back in a few years when the Mariners are dumping salaries for draft picks.  Go Yankees!

Knicks


Man, if we lost to the Nets last night.  God forbid I would have retreated into a world of darkness hoping that a hero like the Dayman would have saved me.  Who would have thunk it that Andrea Bargnani would have won a trash talking fight with KG.  His name is Andrea and that’s not even the softest thing about him.  Kevin Garnett is a legend with the verbal assault.  The man called Charlie Villanueva a cancer patient.  That’s got to be in the top ten of coldest, most hilariously disgusting on court remarks.  Plus, that’s not even his best one (Lala Vasquez and the cheerios, Tim Duncan and mother’s day) and he let Andrea “7 foot tall and can’t grab more than 4 rebounds a game” Bargnani punk his ass on the court.  Bargnani’s go to look during a game is perpetually confusion and here he is matching up and beating one of the best at his own game.  Easily, the highlight of an early, awful season.  Bring that energy into next game and let’s get on a bit of a roll.  Go Knicks.  

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Essays From Film School: Larry Sanders

Garry Shandling had already cut his teeth in the talk show world by guest hosting The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson during the 1980’s.  When he created The Larry Sanders Show, he had a good idea on how the talk show world operated.  He was able to learn from the man everybody in the business called the best.  In the process, he created his own version of the work place sitcom, but in this sitcom, celebrity cameos actually made sense.  He created a show based on his own view of Hollywood relationships and the darkness but also camaraderie they entail.  In short, the people love each other, but Hollywood gets in the way (Lloyd).  Thus, the show displayed how Sanders and the rest of the cast and crew dealt with each other and their guests.  An important aspect in these relationships was how they interacted with gay guests and gay co-workers.  Homosexual characters played a significant part on The Larry Sanders Show by having to deal with all of the Hollywood nonsense that everyone else had to work with.  The Larry Sanders Show had a progressive view on homosexuality and presented its gay characters in a positive non-stereotypical fashion.  For that they should be commended, or at the very least have an essay written about them.
            One of the first episodes of the show to deal with a homosexual character is an episode from the second season called “Performance Artist”.  In an appeal to look edgy and fresh, Larry and Artie book gay performance artist Tim Miller for the show and then after watching his set, nix the show.  The rest of the episode deals with the backlash they face due to their decision.  Tim Miller is a performance artist whose act deals with his experiences being a gay man in America and who the mainstream press usually refers to as an “aggressively homosexual” (Johnson 139).  The real life writers of The Larry Sanders Show booked him because he was hot at the time and was coming off a huge controversy where he was denied a grant from the Arts Endowment, despite the fact that he had been a successful performer for two decades (Johnson 137).  He had little mainstream exposure and had never appear on a talk show before.  This was most likely due to his reviewers calling his act aggressively homosexual.  In putting him on the show, the writers of The Larry Sanders Show had already showed a progressive view.  They had booked an act that was unfairly labeled as controversial and had given him some mainstream exposure.  They even showed some of his act on the show.  For many viewers, this had probably been the first time they were directly exposed to Tim Millers’ art.  No matter how they viewed it, his act had been given a salience that was not shown on television at the time.  Since it was on HBO, the show could get away with displaying one of the more graphic parts of his piece My Queer Body.  Just from a casting stand point, the show has already taken a progressive stance towards homosexual performers.  They book an original and proud gay artist on the show to do his act.  They let him do his performance the way he sees fit and gave him the exposure he had been denied in the past.  They let the man act true to himself and they did not mock him for it.
            All of the previous events happened externally.  In the context of the show, Larry Sanders and Artie first welcome the performer with open arms.  After a booking agent describes Miller’s act as “a provocative monologist who talks about his own life as a gay man in America…Anecdote, humor, observation, and social comment…channeled through life experience.” (Johnson 140), the only question Sanders asks is if he is funny.  No mention at all about what the act will specifically entail.  All Sanders cares about is whether he will be good for the talk show and make with the funny.  In the beginning there is a view of open-mindedness and tolerance of an act that is a major departure from the show’s norm.  After Tim Miller performs his act on the show, Sanders defends him from the hecklers in the crowd discussing how in America we have a right to freedom of speech.  Up until this point, the home-viewing audience believes Larry Sanders is on the side of tolerance and understanding, but this quickly changes when he and Artie decide to pull him from the show.  The first thing they say when they want to pull him from the show is that they are not pulling him because he is gay, but because the network would feel uncomfortable about his act.  This is a weak reason to pull Tim Miller, and the show admits that when the network reviews the episode and reveals they don’t have a problem with his performance.  The decision of intolerance and censorship falls on Artie and Sanders.  They then fail to adhere to the values of free speech they previously espoused.
            Now The Larry Sanders Show shows why it has a progressive view of homosexuality.  Immediately after the censorship of Tim Miller, everything fall aparts for Larry Sanders.  He is criticized by everyone from Roseanne and Tom Arnold to even Jay Leno.  His decision to go on the censorship and homophobic route are instantly treated with scorn by the surrounding community.  He loses very badly and the show is unflinching in its depiction of how wrong Sanders’ decision was.  Roseanne criticizes him as a comic for supporting censorship and the show doesn’t even give Sanders’ good rebuttals to her points.  He gets chewed out and rightfully so.  He tries to extend the olive branch, but Tim Miller does not bite and instead goes on Jay Leno’s show to perform the same bit to acclaim.  This is a major indictment of Sanders’ action.  Jay Leno is seen as the blandest and safest television host.  He is anything but controversial and is the farthest away from the edge as one can be.  He sometimes admits this when he is not tinkering with his millions of cars.  Once Miller performs My Queer Body, Leno goes up to him and says “I can’t believe that’s the same piece of material they wouldn’t let you do” (Johnson 138).  To have Jay Leno say something is not controversial and right for everybody on The Tonight Show, highlights the wrongness of Sanders’ decision.  The final insult to Sanders has been thrown down.  Jay Leno once again succeeds where others fail.
            Starting in season four, the show added a gay secretary for Hank Kingsley to compensate for the loss of his old secretary, Darlene.  Scott Thompson was cast in the role of Hanks’ gay secretary, Brian.  Scott Thompson said he sought to make sure the character was not a stereotype and the writers responded by making him just a normal part of the staff.  The only real stereotypical gay behaviors he exhibits are that he is very organized and used to work for Barbra Streisand.  The show does not treat his gayness with any animosity or as something to be mocked.  He is treated as a valued member of the staff who is gay.  The show does later discuss workplace harassment with Brian, but in his appearances on the show, no lingering hatred is shown.  Hank Kingsley shows some problems with him, but that is quickly swept under the rug when Brian displays his competence.  Kingsley threatens to fire Brain and the show takes another opportunity to mock a homophobic action.  Artie and Sanders both tell Kingsley he cannot fire Brian because of he is gay and they challenge him to come up with a phony reason to fire him, confident that Kingsley will probably fail in the action.  Since it is Hank Kingsley it is very easy for the writers to come up with areas to show how foolish the character can be.  The ploy is successful and Hank comes to his senses and decides to put his prejudice aside and let Brian continue to work for him.  Kingsley realizes that competence is much more important than sexual orientation in a working environment. 
By making Brian a competent non caricatured character, The Larry Sanders Show puts forth a positive gay character on television.  He is not a flamboyant queen character.  The staff quickly accepts him for that and works along him with no real qualms.  The staff also interacts with Brian outside of the workplace as shown with Brian and Hanks’ night out in the episode “Matchmaker”.  Hank has no problems going out to gay bars to try and help Brian rebound after his break up.  The show presents the situation as any other show would have with straight characters.  They go to bars and hit on people.  There is no dramatic change in the depiction of the characters at the gay bar.  They are shown as the normal people they are; there is no mocking depiction of them.  The only time that gayness becomes a problem is when the media starts to assume Hank is gay after his night out on the town.  The show does not mock Brian; it again mocks Hank’s homophobia.  Hank is giving a comeuppance in his attempt to be prove himself as a straight man by having him unknowingly date a transsexual.  Like Larry before him, Hank has to pay for taking a homophobic move.  Any time a character acts homophobic; they get a comeuppance and soon realize they were wrong to act in that way.  Hank’s comeuppance is done in a more dramatic way befitting of his own hilarious ignorance and self-importance.  Of course he would try to dispel gay rumors by unknowingly dating a transsexual.  It only makes sense for it to happen to Hank.  The only surprising aspect about the scenario is that it happened so late in the series.
In the second to last episode of the show, “Putting the ‘Gay’ Back in Litigation”, the show starts to deal with the effects of Brian being the only gay person in a work space.  Brian sues head writer Phil for sexual harassment due to the numerous gay jokes Phil had directed towards him.  The episode shows the struggle that can entail being a gay man in an unfriendly environment.  When Brian seeks support from Beverley over his lawsuit, he thinks she will be on his side due to the prejudice she has encountered as a black women.  She rebukes him by saying that his homosexuality is a choice and nearly tells him that he should pray away the gay.  A previously gay-friendly character is shown to having unconscious homophobic thoughts.  Her comment is taken with righteous disbelief by Brian as he walks away from her.  The show displays the kind of casual homophobia Brian has to deal with on a daily basis.  Beverley does not get the usual Sanders’ comeuppance that happens once a character spews out an anti-gay sentiment, but she loses some of the respect of the audience and Brian for her remarks.  She turns into part of the problem rather than a member of support.  This isn’t to say Beverley is a bigot.  She has been one of Brian’s’ closest friends on the show and all her goodwill does not go away with an ignorant remark.  It goes to show that even people Brian thought were friends don’t really understand who he is.  People still have a long way to go in fully understanding and accepting gay people as a part of mainstream culture and this small snippet displays some attitudes that need to be changed.
Phil’s jokes around Brian form the main conflict in this episode.  A sequence around the way Brian tries to provoke Phil into making jokes presents the way Brian is not a stereotypical gay character.    Brian comes into the office wearing pink booty shorts with a leather shirt and cap.  Seeing Brian dressed like this is funny not just because it is an interesting combination, but also because it is so out of character for Brian.  Never has Brian ever worn anything that was even close to the outfit he wore in that brief sequence.  Brian is combating Phil’s homophobia straight on with an outlandish caricature.  He is fighting back against Phil by using his own jokes against him.  Phil falls into this trap and his jokes lead to his being sued, but to an even larger comeuppance later.
The comeuppance for Phil occurs near the end of the episode where he and Brian discuss the upcoming lawsuit.  Brian makes a plea that Phil represents every gay bully he has ever had to face in his life.  This is the first time we get to delve into what it was like for Brian to be a gay man.  He explicitly states that every joke is an attack against him no matter how light-hearted the intention may be.  Being part of a minority group has taken a toll on Brian as he constantly has to fight for his right to be accepted.  This suppression of his rights as a human being has led to him drawing up this lawsuit.  The show does not make Brian into a villain for suing the show.  The villain is Phil for potentially ruining the legacy of the show and more importantly hurting one of the valued members of the staff.  Everybody on the show yells at Phil for abusing Brian.  Nobody gets mad at Brian.  They ask him to try and settle out of court, but nobody acts malicious towards him.  The show justifies his actions in this way by showing him as a victim trying to right a wrong, rather than as somebody trying to exploit the last days of a cancelled talk show.  The homophobia Phil displays turns out to be a front for his own repressed homosexuality.  His make out scene with Brian is the way the show gets back at him for being such a homophobe.  His anger and jokes are just masks for repressed feelings.  This may feel like a cop out ending as it doesn’t make much sense for a gay man to make out with a straight man who bullied him.  Brian making out with Phil may be explained as a way to say that they have gotten over their difference and have decided to at the least stay friends.  So, it is a happy ending for all.
In conclusion, The Larry Sanders Show puts forth a progressive view of homosexuality and treats its gay characters and guests with dignity and respect.   They are not made out to be stereotypes or caricatures.  They are as three dimensional as the medium of television will allow them to be.  There are some problems with the depictions of these gay characters but that is minor compared to the many good things that are shown.  The show never lets any character get away with major displays of homophobia because later in the episode they will be punished for it.  They learn from their prejudice and enter the next episode smarter and more tolerant and ready to make the same mistakes again next week.  After all it is a comedy show and they have to make with the funny.  And The Larry Sanders Show does make with the funny.  Hopefully Garry Shandling can start making with the funny again.  He deserves a comeback already. 

Works Cited
Copeland, Edward. "Larry Sanders: Changing Television and Changing Lives." Chicago Sun-Times. N.p., 14 Sept. 2012. Web. 08 Dec. 2012. <http://blogs.suntimes.com/demand/2012/09/larry_sanders_changing_television_and_changing_lives.html>.
Day, Richard, Alex Gregory, and Peter Huyck. "Putting the "Gay" Back in Litigation." The Larry Sanders Show. HBO. 17 May 1998. Television.
Johnson, Glen M. "Preforming Access: Tim Miller, Larry Sanders, and Jay Leno." Text & Performance Quarterly 18.2 (1998): 137-46. EBSCOhost. Web. 14 Nov. 2012. <http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=40124ee7-5f68-4d30-a108-8265e15852c5%sessionmgr114&vid=2&hid=122>.
Lloyd, Robert. "'The Complete Larry Sanders': Garry Shandling, Jeffrey Tambor and Judd Apatow Remember." Latimes.com. Los Angeles Times, 30 Oct. 2010. Web. 10 Dec. 2012. <http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/showtracker/2010/10/shandling-apatow-and-tambor-on-the-complete-larry-sanders.html>.Shandling, Garry, Dennis Klein, and John Riggi. "Hank's New Assistant." The Larry Sanders Show. HBO. 26 July 1995. Television.
Shandling, Garry, Dennis Klein, and John Riggi. "Matchmaker." The Larry Sanders Show. HBO. 8 Jan. 1997. Television.
Thompson, Chris, John Riggi, and Drake Sather. "Performance Artist." The Larry Sanders Show. HBO. 25 Aug. 1993. Television.

   

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Shop 'til they Drop

Apparently, there is a Black Friday Death Count website.  Also, sentences that open with the word apparently, I mean come on who are we trying to fool here with such shoddy openings?  But, yes this website exists and we have collectively reached a total of 7 deaths and 89 injuries.  This is simply terrible.  The holiday season is not a time for such death tolls.  In fact, we deserve higher death tolls and a larger injury count.  

This is America for Jesus sakes!  We are the best at things that make other countries cringe.  So, let’s roll up our sleeves and up our game.  How can we express our love of the winter holidays if we have not trampled, maimed, or stabbed our fellow customer?  I thought we were proud capitalists? If Adam Smith were alive today, he would be rolling in his grave seeing how poorly we’ve been adhering to his basic free market principles.  The Wealth of Nations is basically a guide to getting all the best deals while expertly avoiding or killing your competing consumers.  It’s called the invisible hand of the market (that’s the hand where you hide your shopping shank – c’mon people read the classics!).  It is our patriotic duty as Americans to rampage into a store and fight the very people we were celebrating a dinner of thanks with no less than 6 hours ago.  Killing your fellow man after breaking bread with them is a tradition the pilgrims perfected.  Quick quiz: what is the best way to honor the Thanksgiving Spirit: wearing a buckle on your hat like an idiot, or frantically swinging a crowbar as you run around Best Buy searching for that new Ipod case that looks like a postcard?  Do I have to answer this one people (cause I haven't been paying attention and do not know the answer to this one either)?   It’s the season of giving and by that I mean giving trips to the hospital (bam!).

The holiday season is no time to slow down and reflect on your year or to celebrate it with “friends” and “family”.  These albatrosses get in the way when you are trying to shop for them.  How can I find the perfect deal on the perfect gift for my brother, if I’m wasting time talking and sharing time with him?  Unless you and your friends have formed an unstoppable shopping chain gang, screw them and head right to the stores alone.
 
Now, Cyber Monday is becoming the next big shopping holiday, but it sometimes lacks a main ingredient that makes this time of the year so special; physical violence directed at an actual human being.  If you choose to partake in the festivity of Cyber Monday, do it in a public place.  Bring your laptop to Starbucks or anywhere public.  Shop online at the Apple Store for Apple products! (That’ll be quite the holiday inception.  Shopping in a store for products that are sold in the store you are presently in.  Pure, unadulterated insanity at a PG-13 rating for adult situations and mild violence.  Think about Nolan.  I’ll let you have this idea for the limited time of “until I am famous enough to do it myself”).  By being in a public place, you can revel in the frantic shopping attitude and engage in some hilarious destruction or people maiming if you don’t get exactly what you want.  Instead of break a chair in your house when you miss out on something online, break a chair over that barista who dared to look you in the eyes when you ordered (eyes down peasant!).  Instead yelling at a family member for distracting you or being bad luck, take out your anger in the crowded entrance of your local mall.  It’ll feel good to yell at people not related to you for a change.  Life is all about trying new things and getting out there.  So for Cyber Monday, heed some of that advice.


So all in all, kill kill kill!  Maim, maim, maim.  And most importantly, gouge, gouge, gouge!  The holidays are upon us and it is our duty to get the best deal at any cost.  If you fail at this, it doesn’t hurt to take a few people down with you along the way.  So happy hunting!     

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Western Conference Progress Report

NBA Western Conference Progress Report:

Yesterday I examined the Eastern Conference in all its horrific glory.  Now let’s turn our attention to its far more successful and good looking brother to the west: The Western Conference.  A disclaimer: I am a Knicks fan, so any bias will be filtered through that lens.

San Antonio Spurs – Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.  It’s going to be a strange day when playing the Spurs is seen as a gimme.  But for now, this machine keeps on kicking everybody’s ass without mercy.  One day they will feel the burn.  One day.

Portland Trail Blazers – Where did this come from?  I like to think that Sideshow Bob/ Robin Lopez is the cause.  I’m a dreamer that way.

Oklahoma City Thunder – A great team, but it feels like they should be better now that Russell Westbrook is back.  But alas, they’ll just have to be content with being an excellent team in a tough conference.  The poor bastards.     

Los Angeles Clippers – I am pleased to note I haven’t seen a Cliff Paul commercial in a long while and the Blake Griffin commercials are still kind of funny.  That's progress, I guess.  For the non-commercial making players on the team, keep it going?

Houston Rockets –   I suppose it’s a good thing when the biggest problem on the team is that Omer Asik wants out.  Otherwise, they seem poised to be the team every opposing fan base loves to beat (other than the Heat). 

Golden State Warriors - Looks like Steph Curry is up next on the inevitable superstar injury list.  Prove me wrong Curry.  Prove me wrong (or do what you want, we live in a supposedly “free” country).

Dallas Mavericks – Who ever thought that Monta Ellis and Dirk Nowitzki would be an unstoppable pairing and have the Mavericks playing good ball.  Just when you thought Mark Cuban’s head couldn’t get any larger…

Denver Nuggets – Despite losing Benedict Iguodala to the Warriors, they have rebounded nicely, playing above 500 ball.  I’d say the biggest disappointment of the season is that Javale McGee and Nate Robinson haven’t done anything stupid/hilarious.   

Minnesota Timberwolves – the 9th best team in the West would have been fighting for 3rd  spot in the East.  Geography taketh, geography giveth away.  The longer they stay out of a playoff spot, the faster that Kevin Love is leaving countdown clock ticks.

Memphis Grizzlies – Ha, take that sabermetrics!  The one case of the Grizzlies being mediocre is all I need to tell me that all those careful calculations are wrong.

Phoenix Suns – Isn’t this a pleasant surprise!  A 500 record never felt so good.  Enjoy it before the inevitable plunge occurs and the Suns are sucked into a blackness known as tanking.

Los Angeles Lakers – Kobe still leads the league in Bleacher Report updates received on my phone.  Every fucking thing he does I get an update.  Otherwise, I thought the Lakers were just going to sit out the beginning of the season until Kobe came back. 

New Orleans Pelicans – The unibrow and his surrounding teammates have formed an interesting and beatable team.  They should be proud for being that team this year. 

Utah Jazz – Your team is so bad that if they moved to the Eastern Conference they would still be a very bad basketball team.  Snap.  The basketball they play is more free form.  As in free form-ly bad.  Just ugly. 


Tuesday, November 26, 2013

NBA Eastern Conference Progress Report:

NBA Eastern Conference Progress Report:
 
The NBA season has been chugging along now for a month and it’s already been a fascinating year for both good and bad reasons.  Here is a quick progress report on how each team in the Eastern Conference is doing through the biased lens of a Knicks fan:

Pacers – They are just making it all the more depressing for their loyal fans when they lose to the Heat in the conference finals.  But for right now, way to make those Hoosiers proud!   
  
Miami Heat – Let the peasants have their petty, November wins.  As far as the Heat is concerned, this is preseason basketball until they lose their first game in the playoffs.  Then the season has started.

Atlanta Hawks – No matter who suits up for the Hawks, this team is always consistently a little better than average.  If you replaced all the players on the Hawks with their life sized cutout, they’d still post a 45 win season and lose a 6 game series in the first round.  It’s getting a bit creepy.

Toronto Raptors – The wins seem right, but the high seeding?  These Raptors are hoping that they never wake from this glorious dream. 

Charlotte Bobcats – Al Jefferson means that this team will wait 6 more games before the bottom falls out and they go on another historic streak of futility.  Then bring on the return of MJ for a game! 

Chicago Bulls – Lyrics every Chicagoan is singing to Derrick Rose at the moment: “Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby just to bring me down…” For now, let’s just enjoy watching the Bulls play some of the grittiest, ugliest, goddamn basketball in the league.    

Detroit Pistons – In the West with this record, this team would be looking towards next year.  In the East, they are fighting for home-court in the first round.  Another win for geography!

Philadelphia 76ers – They may have 3-5 games left in them before every decent player suddenly succumbs to a season ending affliction known as tankitis.    

Washington Wizards – I have no idea about this team.  They just seem to be there hanging round, loitering like a bunch of hoodlums.  This neighborhood’s going straight to the gutter.  The gutter, I tell ya!

Boston Celtics – They are savoring every moment they are better than the Knicks and the Brooklyn Celtics/Nets.  This may be the happiest 6-10 in the league. 

Orlando Magic – Have settled into their identity of being a bad team.  It fits them well.  Almost too well...
Cleveland Cavaliers – They still suck and seem content on sucking.  What gives?  And where’s that swashbuckling attitude that I associate with cavaliers?  Another way Dan Gilbert is killing this franchise.  

New York Knicks – Terrible, just terrible.  I haven’t contorted my face in such utter disgust in a long while.  They’re not even competitive in half these games.  The fan base is just waiting for James Dolan to make this catastrophic season worse.

Brooklyn Nets – BROOOOOOKLYN!  BROOOOKLYN!  As a Knicks fan I love it, but as an unbiased basketball fan I love it as well.  Brooklyn seems well on its way to becoming an even worse version of last year’s Lakers.

Milwaukee Bucks – They are 2 and 11 and yet only 3.5 games out of the 8th seed.  If this team was in the West, they would have been disbanded and sold for spare parts.  Milwaukee lives to play another game and lose it!



Sunday, November 24, 2013

Idea for a Movie...

Idea for a movie:

A  Catholic Priest and an Orthodox Rabbi notice that their parishioners are declining in this modern atheistic age.  They decide to team up and engage in increasingly hilarious stunts to win back their fallen flocks.  This fails miserably, so they decide to switch their focus and start sleuthing unsolved biblical crimes.  This fails miserably, but they are picked up for a crime show called Peyes and the Padre that airs Wednesday at eight on TNT.  The show fails miserably and the Priest and the Rabbi are out of a job and begin to question their faith in god.  It’s been a trying year.  They both renounce their faiths and decide to lead a secular life since this religious on isn’t working so well.  Fast forward, 15 years later and both men are leading rich, successful, happy lives married to each other.  They look into the camera and say, “why didn’t we do this sooner!” before laughing, finishing their margaritas, and cannon-balling into a pool situated in a beautiful resort.  Cut to black.  The end.    


Idea for a Musical:

A Priest and a Rabbi notice that their parishioners are declining in this modern atheistic age.  They try to reach out to the young by performing their sermons in the style of popular musicals.  This leads to the Priest preaching and singing in the style of “Spring Awakening”, and the Rabbi preaching and singing in the style of “the Book of Mormon”.  Parishioners come back, but after two weeks of previews and four weeks of an extended limited engagement, they have grown bored with this gimmick and demand a new musical.  The Priest and the Rabbi team up and parody various musicals, each with better production values than the last.  The sermons are now waiting room only and the Priest and the Rabbi are both awarded their SAG cards.  They are nominated for 8 Tony awards, but come away empty handed, leading to a scene where they look up and curse their god.  They contend that they don’t need this anymore and they had the most fun when they were together just hanging out.  They smile and sing a joyous song about renouncing their faith (they are joined by the ensemble) and the play ends.  The end.


Idea for a Television Show:


A Priest and a Rabbi notice that their parishioners are declining in this modern atheistic age.  They decide to quit their jobs and work in an office filled with many quirky characters.  This may include the incompetent boss, the sexpot secretary, the sarcastic, jaded generation x member and her perky millennial assistant, and a loveable dog around the office called “rags”.  More people can join the office according to test screenings and viewer complaints to the network (maybe a hip-hop aficionado).  The Priest and the Rabbi start off as the square, weird, new guys but after a while they grow to love their cast of quirky workmates.  Romances may flourish between workmates (scandalous) and everybody grows and learns or learns and then grows.  Potential for a spinoff about “rags” getting elected sheriff of a small southern border town riff with crime is very possible.  The end. 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Anthropology Essay: Learn and Play Again!

Here is another anthropological essay from the crypt.  Enjoy!

If the musical “Fiddler on the Roof” has taught us anything other than what Tevye would do if he were a rich man, it has taught us that the sun rises and that it also sets.  What does this phrase have to do with anthropological theoretical approaches?  First off, slow down buster, the answers will come, but your eagerness is well noted and appreciated.  The answer is that theories have their day and rise like the majestic sun in the east, but then will set after they have been dissected and discredited by ravenous graduate students and other followers in their respective fields.  Two theories will be discussed in this essay, the first is still rising well into the noon day sun, while the second is on its way back down, hoping to rise again.  A theoretical approach that is most appealing is that of postmodern anthropology by way of James Fernandez.  A theoretical approach that is not appealing at all is that of the evolutionary approach by way of Henry Lewis Morgan.  These two approaches will be explained, have their strengths and weaknesses examined, and also why they both offer such a promising insight on cultural phenomena. We start with the theory of postmodern anthropology.  To start this exploration take the red pill, but only swallow as far down to see the first film, not the awful sequels.  Postmodern anthropological thought is concerned with how we view culture and that an immaculate truth about other cultures may not be obtained.  There is not one truth about a culture or society.  There could be multiple truths.  We only view the world through our own frame of reference and our own experiences (Moore p. 267-8).  Postmodern anthropological thought associates itself with a “total acceptance of the ephemerality, fragmentation, discontinuity, and the chaotic.” (Moore p.267).  The acceptance of chaos rules postmodern anthropological thought and a part of this theory is that postmodern theorists are never concerned with trying to break down or reduce chaos into one single meaning.  The goal in this theoretical model is to identify significant concepts that members in a society deem relevant (Moore p. 268). There are many reasons as to why this approach offers the most promising insight on cultural and social phenomena.  First off, it eliminates and critiques the bias and problems that the modernist school of anthropology has accumulated.  The modernist approach usually takes on a heavy pro-western and male dominated bias when dealing with other cultures.  It is just an extension of domination and doesn’t serve other cultures well.  They are being critiqued on how closely they resemble western society.  Postmodern theory takes into account what members of a society deem as relevant.  It is not the anthropologist who has the judging power, but the people in the culture themselves.  They get to deem what is important and crucial to their civilization, not the weird white man in the matching white suit with the ivory pen and that sinister look in his eyes.  By taking out the western and male bias, we can come to truer revelations of what a culture really is. Another strong point of postmodernist thought is the belief that there isn’t one sole truth to be found.  Multiple truths can exist in a society.  Societies aren’t all uniform and neatly formulated that they can be boiled down to one truth or essential fact.  Contradictions upon paradoxes upon illogicalities make up societies.  It just seems like pure chaos.  This is where postmodernism pulls the anti-Alex Rodriguez and hits a home run in a key situation.  Postmodern thought accepts chaos (but does Chaos accept me-Bob Dylan) and treats it like a friend.  The discontinuity that contradiction and paradox can bring is well understood in the postmodern school of thought.  It is never reduced or reversed.  The deep complexities and chaotic nature of modern life is understood and not questioned.  It is not something to pick apart, but rather to revel in.Unfortunately, postmodernism is not the end all of cultural approaches.  It has some problems like many of us (I'm looking at you Janet).  But the problems postmodernism faces aren’t that of a loveless marriage or crystal meth addiction.  It faces something almost as ennui inducing.  Postmodernism has a weakness with cultural relativism.  This idea that every culture is relative to each other and that nothing is better or more right than one another is not such a great idea.  You cannot just accept every cultural practice just because they make sense within that specific culture.  There have to be some universal truths.  If a society practiced slavery under cultural relativist practices, we as a global community would be helpless to stop it because we would have to respect their cultural norms.  We couldn’t stop slavery in that society because it would entail us making a critical judgment of another culture.  We would be saying that a culture is wrong and that they are failing to uphold a universal standard.  It is in this field that postmodernism suffers.  Other than that, it is the theoretical approach to go with.Where there is good in the world there must also be evil.  If that sounds a tad over dramatic, you are probably right (you’re always right, Janet).  Whereas postmodern thought is the most appealing theoretical approach, the evolutionary framework model leaves a lot to be desired.  Evolutionary anthropology follows the framework that progress happens on a single thread and that different cultures are just at different places on the evolutionary scale.  Progress is based on technological innovation and advancement (Moore p.23-24).  The discovery of fire or the invention of pottery predicates movement into a higher position on the evolutionary scale.  Culture has a singular progression and that civilizations that seem backwards or savage are just a bit behind on the flow chart of progress.  Or as Mr. T would put it if he were a cultural anthropologist, pity the civilization that has fallen behind on the scale of progress.  Hopefully, he would be a lot more eloquent in real life than how he is presented here.
This theoretical approach has many problems with it.  The first one is that it imparts a heavy western bias.  In the eyes of the evolutionary anthropologist, western culture is the most advanced civilization.  It supposes that every other culture is striving to become the west and that the west is closer to the ideal civilization than any other.  This is in the words of a squeamish 19th century Victorian male, pure poppycock.  The west is far from perfect and the numerous wars and atrocities of the 20th century proved that point.  This kind of pro-western bias makes it impossible to learn about a society without dominating it or subjecting it to the anthropologists own leanings.  They will constantly be comparing any non-western civilization to the west and they will only be interested in how it isn’t the west.  Instead of learning about the culture and civilization at hand, the evolutionary mindset focuses on how it is not the west.  The domination of the western lens towards other cultures doesn’t breed an understanding of the other culture.  It just seeks to extend the domination of the western gaze and ideology whether the anthropologist is doing it consciously or unconsciously.Another failing of the evolutionary approach is this whole idea about every culture and civilization being on the same singular path.  What’s the deal with that (and also airline food-it’s terrible.  Remember to tip your waitress!).  First of all, there is no evidence to be found that civilization progresses on one singular track.  That is some damning evidence against the evolutionary approach.  This theoretical approach completely ignores that cultures develop due to their context and environment.  The singular evolutionary path seems to discount environmental factors or the cultural context to which these civilizations grow from.  The theory suggests that cultures develop and exist in a vacuum and are not subject to outside stimuli.  Culture is something that is fluid and always changing.  There is not one set path for it to take.  It is always changing with the times.  Culture is made up of individual people with differing ideas.  How can such unique entities with such differing parts all be on the same road and in turn all be heading foe the same outcome?  It doesn’t make much sense.  A singular track approach invokes a strange sense of predetermination and inevitability that isn’t congruent with different cultures.  Civilizations are too different to be on the same road to ruin (line courtesy of the Ramones).After all this bashing of the evolutionary framework, there are still some positives about the theoretical approach.  This is the first real theoretical approach for anthropology, so of course it is going to have some errors.  These things take time to prefect.  It took Bob Dylan two albums to achieve greatness.  Also, this framework has a strong organizational side to it.  It was the first to organize data into a framework of cultural evolution rather than to treat cultural difference as ethnographic oddities (Moore p.27).  The real positive of this approach is that it is the framework for the whole field.  This would be the starting point for all the great thinkers in cultural anthropology.  What to do and what not to do in cultural anthropology is found in the evolutionary framework approach.In conclusion, there are many theories in cultural anthropology.  Some are good, some are not so good.  Then some are the evolutionary framework model.  Let’s leave that one to rest shall we.  The postmodern approach is the most appealing theoretical approach, while the evolutionary framework model is the least appealing.  This has something to do with the order in which they were conceived.  Soon though, postmodern thought will become quaint and silly and will be edged out by a new system of thought.  It will spend the rest of its’ days drinking in a lonely bar mumbling how it used to be something.  No one will hear it.  No one will care.  It will look out the bar window to see a new theory getting all the praise, while it reminisces about the time it was king.  Now it will understand sunrise and sunset.  The new theory will look into the bar and see the old drunk theory and quietly ponder the future of its’ fate.  Then it will go back to being king of Mardi Gras!Works CitedMoore, Jerry D. Visions of Culture: An Introduction to Anthropological Theories and Theorists. 4th ed. Walnut Creek, CA: AltaMira, 2012.