Pros and Cons of Common Cold Symptoms
Stuffy and Running Nose
Pro: The realization that there is a fate worse than death
and it is currently between my nostrils. Somehow the icy inevitable embrace doesn’t
seem so terrible as compared to the never ending crustiness afflicting my
precious, precious nostrils.
Con: How does this phenomenon of battling bodily failures
occur? How can a draining and clogging process work so perfectly to annoy and destroy
a perfectly functioning human nose and body? Answer: Since puberty my body has
been actively trying to kill me or at the worst maim and embarrass the consciousness
it holds.
Scratchy Throat
Pro: At worst it’s usually over in a few minutes and I get
to experience life as a Middle American with my red throat (that’s the closest
I have physically gotten to that particular lifestyle). The funhouse mirror
Jason Thompson is an intriguing one as replace my signature quasi-hipster New
York cred with simple pleasures like the hankering of joining a militia for
those hypothetical situations where I defeat the full might of the US
government with a shotgun and my hound dog Geech.
Con: To cover up my red throat, sometimes I sell out and don
a scarf robbing the world of my stunning chest hair and 70’s porn star look.
Without the exposed chest my parted hair just looks plain foolish. Sometimes
the solution is as painful as the problem.
Itchy Eyes
Pro: I perpetually look like the major pothead I am mistaken
for, but for some odd reason the cops never seem to mind my dazed look and red
eyes and allow me to go along with my day. I must have all the luck!
Con: Realizing my glasses do very little to protect my eyes.
Here I thought these instruments could provide me some defense against the
elements, but lo and behold I am as helpless as the next person and probably
more so because I have to take off my glasses to wipe my eyes, temporarily
blinding me. Again, the human body disappoints.
Body Aches
Pro: The joys of experiencing what my body will feel like daily
in at least 25 years (fingers crossed for 26). I’ve always been a sucker for
spoilers and sneak previews and this is the best one! Hurrah for aging.
Con: Feeling like my body could break at any moment like
many a children’s fable about the overstuffed mitten and such. I am not ready
to have my pain immortalized in a story about how kids should probably take
their cold medication consistently.
