Sunday, July 2, 2017

Unrequited Tinder Love 4

Tinder can be a place where you go on a whirlwind of matching to messaging to meeting to adult situations. Other times it’s a place where you send messages into the void. Here are the my messages into the void.


Tinder 1

Message One: How about fremulon as well?
Message Two: Shh

Analysis: I was way too clever for my own good by playing off her bio and referencing the end credits for Brooklyn 99. Plus do I really want to go out on a date with someone who likes that show (yeah I said it  - not a fan)?


 Tinder 2

Message: Can I be a vans in a world of nikes?

Analysis: I suppose I’ll have to live out my days as a New Balance in a world of Skechers. Does the punishment fit the crime? According to the Tinder Gods – yes. Yes it does.


Tinder 3

Message One: Staunch. Power word there.
Message Two: I need a credo for sure

Analysis: I’ll take her silence as a firm but polite “go fuck yourself only I may have a credo”.


Tinder 4

Message: Do you also want a list of references?

Analysis: She must have already seen my references and was so overwhelmed by the incredible prestige that she felt I was so overqualified for the job of first date and decided to never answer. I commend her knowing her limitations. Good hunting!


 Tinder 5

Message One: Who is that actor?? I know that creepy gaze!
Message Two (6 months later): Casual necking at lookout point perhaps?

Analysis: Sometimes I’m just too clever for my own good. Maybe time to update my references to the current century, but then again, why should I change something that works 20% of the time? I like those odds.


Tinder 6

Message One: I’m also a Leo! Bold zodiac!
Message Two: So how are you liking Nyc so far. Im a tour guide so ask me anything.

Analysis: Nothing gets a girl all turned on like saying your main ambition in life is trying to convince tourists they aren’t going to get stabbed on the subway to Times Square. Also wise decision to compliment her on her astrological sign because we totally pick those. Well played Jason.


Tinder 7

Message: What if it’s a baseball? What financial forms would you require?

Analysis: Welp another shot a true love destroyed by our national pastime. Thanks a lot baseball you cockblocker!


Tinder 8

Message: A mermaid?? I was in the mermaid parade this weekend. Did you go?

Analysis: The Mermaid Parade is awesome and one of the most fun things you can do in New York. A true cultural event. My friend and I got the most hollers and catcalls out of anyone due to our expertly made green bubble wrap bras. Her loss.


Tinder 9

Message: What’s the last music thing that occupied your mind?

Analysis: Based on her lack of response it’s still occupying her mind to the point where it has consumed her and she can’t think of anything else forcing her into a catatonic state. Please send help post haste!


Tinder 10 

Message Duck duck duck goose?

Analysis: The message is golden but the girl was pregnant in her pictures. Probably better she didn’t respond…




So Happy swiping and may only 50% of your messages go into the void!