Unrequited Tinder Love the Third

It’s time again to haul through the archives of my ever popular Tinder profile for the next installment of unrequited Tinder Love. These are the messages I sent out that were meet with the ever popular silent “go fuck yourself” response. So enjoy my “romantic mishaps” while I pretend my eyes are red because there are things in them.

Tinder 1

Message: Berets berets berets!! Merci!

Analysis:  I have no idea what I was expecting to get out of this one. Your guess is as good as mine.

Tinder 2

Message: Finally another native new yorker. Were endangered animaks I tell ya#

Analysis: Nothing says I’m interested in getting to know you like a first message with numerous typos and replacing an exclamation mark with a hashtag sign. Talk about the right way to lose a soulmate!

Tinder 3

Message: We must have seen each other a million times in stony lol

Analysis: I got too comfortable too quickly in my messaging by saying Stony instead of Stony Brook University. I should have retained a respectful distance. A learning experience indeed.

Tinder 4

Message: That looks like a festive holiday! Lol

Analysis: But then again I’ve been wrong before.

Tinder 5

Message: Sounds like someone has a Halloween costume picked out!

Analysis: Never, ever assume anything about anyone especially something as personal and delicate as a potential Halloween costume. I cringe as I reread this exchange.

Tinder 6

Message: Bojack horseman and chill?

Analysis: I swear it has something to do with her bio. Please believe me.

Tinder 7

Message: Its always nice to find a free range and gmo free booty. Thanks for doing your part.

Analysis: Monsanto must have gotten to her. It’s the only reason she didn’t reply to this witty and hilarious first contact. Another romance ruined by an evil corporation. Where’s Bernie Sanders when you need him.

Tinder 8

Message: Lady di. Never forget!

Analysis: It’s never not inappropriate to honor the people’s princess. I will not apologize for my pithy memorial.

Tinder 9

Message: A dog and a birthday cake?? Tinder kryptonite I tell ya!

Analysis: Making a Superman reference post Batman vs. Superman: The Dawn of Justice is just a bad idea. Pick up the cinematic slack DC Universe, some of us are trying to get laid here!

Tinder 10

Message: Lets get all you can eat sushi!!

Analysis: Nothing says romance like eating sushi until your eyes roll to the back of your head and you pass out on top of 15 spicy tuna rolls. She was wise to decline the offer.

As always in the words of the latest Nobel Prize Laureute in Literature: there's no success like failure and failure's no success at all!

Reasons to be Exited for 2017

2016 will famously go down as the worst year in memory since 2015 because being sad is fun, addicting, and contagious. But this was an especially rough year on both macro and micro levels. Our idols died, our country was taken over by the worst of the worst, and I still can’t get a decent goddamn haircut. Horrors indeed. But to quote one of my favorite Simpson’s episodes – we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom (well maybe not the last part anymore). So in that spirit let’s see the potential positives for the next year:

Are You the One season 5 will premiere on January 11^th and the people look even hotter than ever! I for one am ready for another ten weeks of nonstop fucking, fighting, crying, drinking, and more fucking. I’m so excited that I have forgiven the producers for failing to cast me for the 4^th consecutive season. It’s a hurt that can only last for so long.

Another Star Wars movie and this one looks like it’ll have a good chance of Luke Skywalker saying a line of dialogue or two. That’s enough to have me start my theater camp out right now.

Being able to experience the grandeur of the first unicorn since biblical times in the form of Kristaps Porzingis. Long may he gallop!

As we continue the slow painful process known as “aging”, we can all enjoy becoming that much more out of the cultural zeitgeist and enjoy criticizing all the new and exciting shit that seems scary and stupid because back when I was a younger lad…

Seeing how many times websites like the Huffington Post will claim John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Trevor Noah, Seth Meyers, or Stephen Colbert have DESTORYED or MURDERED IN CLOOD BLOOD a particular issue. You know like the way they totally destroyed the Trump campaign. Let the out-hyperbolizing begin.

Thanks to the efforts of President Donald Trump the War on Christmas will be won and no longer will Christians have to cower and hide during the month of December. At last a win for the gentiles.

We will finally get to see how strong our Constitution is when it comes into direct competition with our first overtly fascist leader.

Appreciating that one movie you see that isn’t a sequel, reboot, prequel, or involve superheroes.

Enjoying the paradox of being both caught up and multiple seasons behind on all of your favorite shows.

Groucho Marx continuing to be hilarious. Nothing can change that.

The possibility that we all find our true loves while our enemies are smoted. It could happen! I know I say this every year but this one seems like the year. Call it a hunch that has never ever panned out.

Ahh 2017, it looks good already.