Tinder can be a place where you go on a whirlwind of matching to messaging to meeting to adult situations. Other times it’s a place where you
send messages into the void. Here are the my messages into the void.
Tinder 1
Message One: How about fremulon as well?
Message Two: Shh
Analysis: I was way too clever for my own good by playing
off her bio and referencing the end credits for Brooklyn 99. Plus do I really
want to go out on a date with someone who likes that show (yeah I said it - not a fan)?
Message: Can I be a vans in a world of nikes?
Analysis: I suppose I’ll have to live out my days as a
New Balance in a world of Skechers. Does the punishment fit the crime?
According to the Tinder Gods – yes. Yes it does.
Tinder 3
Message One: Staunch. Power word there.
Message Two: I need a credo for sure
Analysis: I’ll take her silence as a firm but polite “go
fuck yourself only I may have a credo”.
Tinder 4
Message: Do you also want a list of references?
Analysis: She must have already seen my references and was
so overwhelmed by the incredible prestige that she felt I was so overqualified
for the job of first date and decided to never answer. I commend her knowing her limitations. Good hunting!
Message One: Who is that actor?? I know that creepy gaze!
Message Two (6 months later): Casual necking at lookout
point perhaps?
Analysis: Sometimes I’m just too clever for my own good.
Maybe time to update my references to the current century, but then again, why
should I change something that works 20% of the time? I like those odds.
Tinder 6
Message One: I’m also a Leo! Bold zodiac!
Message Two: So how are you liking Nyc so far. Im a tour
guide so ask me anything.
Analysis: Nothing gets a girl all turned on like saying your main ambition in life is trying to convince tourists they aren’t going to get
stabbed on the subway to Times Square. Also wise decision to compliment her on
her astrological sign because we totally pick those. Well played Jason.
Tinder 7
Message: What if it’s a baseball? What financial forms would
you require?
Analysis: Welp another shot a true love destroyed by our
national pastime. Thanks a lot baseball you cockblocker!
Tinder 8
Message: A mermaid?? I was in the mermaid parade this
weekend. Did you go?
Analysis: The Mermaid Parade is awesome and one of the most
fun things you can do in New York. A true cultural event. My friend
and I got the most hollers and catcalls out of anyone due to our expertly made green bubble wrap bras. Her loss.
Tinder 9
Message: What’s the last music thing that occupied your
mind?
Analysis: Based on her lack of response it’s still occupying
her mind to the point where it has consumed her and she can’t think of anything
else forcing her into a catatonic state. Please send help post haste!
Message Duck duck duck goose?
Analysis: The message is golden but the girl was pregnant in
her pictures. Probably better she didn’t respond…
So Happy swiping and may only 50% of your messages go into the void!
