Unbalanced

It’s a despicable feeling but I can’t help but swell up with rage and intense self-loathing the minute I entered the presence of the golden god about to put the finishing touches on his next project.  The self-loathing comes from a place of insecurity and deep jealousy.  What’s the point of being here other than to talk while you raise your profile and career?  Meanwhile I just sit here floundering and updating my fake cell-phone city.  I just sit there listening to the constant praise and ambition while I sit around getting the cursory question coupled with the mocking remark.  I guess that’s my reward for being “easy going”.  It’s my fault though as I am the one who brings it on.  Maybe I’m just not phrasing what I’m up to that well.  The rage is not displayed externally aside from an indifferent or sarcastic remark.  Nothing bites or wounds and I the one who ends up feeling worse as the pit in my chest grows deeper and my expression more sullen and disinterested.  There’s only so many times I can aimlessly walk around and idly chat before wanting to completely flip out and start breaking things.  But I can’t and I shan’t because what kind of self-loathing friend would I be.  That’s just not the kind of backstabber I am.  So instead I’m there listening to how much better I’m not doing in comparison while my hints of internal anger go unnoticed.  I’m just there to entertain and keep company for that’s all I can do.  My talents are not needed or required for the fact that they never are.  Anybody can do what I bring to the table evidently.  I’m just there for god knows why.  It’s always the same.  Hang out, do nothing, get something to eat, do more nothing, go home and catch hell for it because it’s better to do nothing in company than alone I suppose.  Well I do nothing while the others just soar.  To be fair I am exaggerating about the nothing part.  I sit there and hear shit about how I’m not as (fill in the blank – positive word) as I should be and that I’m such a (fill in another blank – negative word).   Always refreshing to hear how much room you have for improvement, especially in areas you didn’t think needed them.  There truly is no other feeling like that of complete inadequacy.  If there is please let me know for I’d love to get familiar with the said feeling.  I guess it comes with the persona.  But what more is there to do?  Jealously will only get you so far these days (60 so odd blocks by my calculation) and the rest of the time I’m just sitting there thinking about what a shmuck I am.  Oh well there are others to associate with and go through the motions.  I wonder how they think of me.  I wonder if I fall into any of the categories I’ve just described to any individual.  If so, well it’s always nice to cause somebody to feel something. 

Anyway it just sounds like I’m being a (fill in the blank – negative word from the second fill in the blank) but again what are you going to do.  I find it quite fun and cathartic to engage in the pettier feelings and emotions that linger deep within us.  We can’t all be beings of purity and virtue.  Some situations just call for us to dig down (usually not that far) and embrace our villainous pursuits.  Let the jealously flow up and enrage you; after all if may help motivate and get you going to where you want to be.  At the very least it’s a nice feeling to sneer and snarl into the dark.  But after those moments you’re just left with impotent rage and you have only you and the person who caused it to blame (in the beginning it’s not you but towards the end it’s most likely you).  But these things will pass as they always do and you will maybe be better for it or return to enjoying the status quo.  Ah the status quo, keeper of mediocrity and resentment.  So in conclusion if you would like to see a visual representation of this essay/rant/whine please view the episode “Arthur After Hours” from the great The Larry Sanders Show.  It rings fairly accurate in parts.