NBA Predictions: The Southeast Division

The Southeast Division:  With Lebron James leaving the scope of the division has changed and has offered an opportunity for teams to come in second place behind the Heat by as little as four games.  Below I preview the five teams that make up the Southeast Division. 

Atlanta Hawks

Last Year’s Finish: 11^th in the West, a near upset in the East.

Best Player: Al Horford – The only thing keeping the Hawks from being a sub 500 team.  He is the Hawks everything.  Don’t leave Atlanta Al. 

Best New Arrival: Thabo Sefolosha – That’s the player you get from the Thunder?  Jesus, no wonder this team can’t make it higher than the 6^th seed. 

Strengths: Donald Sterling helped prevent the Hawks management from winning the annual NBA Owner’s racist off.  Dennis Schroder has learned how to play the piano to better emulate his namesake. 

Weaknesses: Kyle Korver’s petition for a 4 point line went unnoticed again.  He will have to waste his outside shooting talents at the very pedestrian three point line.  The Hawks haven’t appeared in the finals since 1961 (as the St Louis Hawks) and haven’t won a championship since 1958 and nobody seems to care.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs and pull off an upset. 

Team’s Real Goal:  To publicly admonish Bruce Levenson while quietly putting his ideas into action. 

Charlotte Hornets

Last Year’s Finish:   The only time a city threw a parade for a four game first round sweep.

Best Player: Al Jefferson – After last year’s triumphant debut season, Jefferson is looking forward to phoning it because he did the near impossible last year,

Best New Arrival: Lance Stephenson – Is excited to fully embrace his "pest" role by donning a stinger and running around the court making a buzz sound.  It'll be less annoying than blowing into people's ears.

Strengths:   Due to the success of last season, the Hornets expect to have only 65% opposing fan crowds at home games.  Kemba Walker and Lance Stephenson are fitting in quite well in Charlotte’s “Little Brooklyn” neighborhood. 

Weaknesses: The team feels uncomfortable with the pressure that comes with being expected to win slightly more than half their games.  The most exciting part of the offseason was the name change to the Hornets and the throwback gear that came back into style. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To host a 1^st round series and advance to the second round. 

Team’s Real Goal:  To stop being so shy and finally ask for Michael Jordan’s autograph. 

Miami Heat

Last Year’s Finish: Welcome to the rest of the league assholes!

Best Player: Dwyane Wade – He will never throw an alley-oop pass again.  It just brings back too many bad memories. 

Best New Arrival: Luol Deng – It is impossible to say his name without sounding like Forrest Gump.  Try it and marvel at how right I am (very right).   

Strengths:  Miami Heat fans will have a valid excuse for coming late and leaving games early.  Chris Bosh had the perfect family reunion this summer – at the Hall of Dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum (zing)!   

Weaknesses: Could not corrupt and kill the inherent goodness in Lebron James hence his return to Cleveland.  If Chris Bosh ever returns to the Raptors than hell has truly frozen over.  Shabazz Napier has not launched into the lavish song and dance number his first name requires him to do.  

  

Team’s Stated Goal: To make a surprisingly deep playoff run.    

Team’s Real Goal:  To finally send that box labeled "his" to Cleveland.  

Orlando Magic

Last Year’s Finish: Like waiting in a line for an hour and a half in 100 degree weather to go on a 90 second roller coaster.   

Best Player: Victor Oladipo – Is eagerly awaiting the day when the Lakers swoop him up as they do with every great Magic player. 

Best New Arrival: Channing Frye – Will relate easily to his young colleagues by discussing his lack of playoff and big game experience. 

Strengths:  The coaching staff has discovered that the best way to communicate with this young team is to sit backwards on a chair (with a corresponding backwards baseball cap) and rap with these go-getters.  Without Lebron James in their division they will be able to stay competitive in their eventual four loses to the Heat this season. 

Weaknesses:  If you had to compare their basketball skills or basketball illusions to that of a famous magician it would be GOB Bluth.  Management is still convinced that losing a lot of games isn’t necessarily a bad thing.   

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players and become an exciting team to watch.

Team’s Real Goal: To see what the people look like under all the character costumes at Disney World. 

Washington Wizards

Last Years’ Finish: Filibustered! 

Best Player: John Wall – I drafted him in a mock anonymous fantasy basketball draft and was berated by complete strangers for several minutes.  He is the reason why I will never play fantasy sports.

   

Best New Arrival: Paul Pierce – Will teach his young teammates the art of milking a minor injury and proper fake wheelchair etiquette. 

Strengths: Marcin Gortat has become the internet’s favorite Eastern European player.  Nene has the perfect name for a sassy black friend on a network sitcom.    

Weaknesses: They are the best thing our nation’s capital has going for us.  The only other person who thinks that saying wizard is cool is Star Wars Episode I Anakin Skywalker.

Teams’ Stated Goal: Host a first round series and make a deep playoff run.

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Teams’ Real Goal:  To play a game wearing the robes of a Supreme Court Justice.