NBA Predictions: The Central Division

 The Central Division has changed mightily since last season.  Shall we check in with my ever so thought out team by team breakdowns?  I think the answer is yes!

Chicago Bulls

Last Year’s Finish: A team so gritty that their story has been sold to DC comics.

Best Player: Derrick Rose – He will astound fans and scientists this year by discovering a new bone in the human body due to his breaking it. 

Best New Arrival: Pau Gasol – His pilgrimage to the holy Zen centers of Phil Jackson will be completed next season by joining the Knicks but only after he finds the copy of “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” that Phil has hidden in Chicago.   

Strengths:  A team called the Bulls wearing red?  I just got the connection and that sir is genius!  Scottie Pippen shows up to home games on occasion. 

Weaknesses: Tom Thibodeau will injure a major star because he doesn’t feel right about his team being healthy and firing on all cylinders.  Jimmy Butler has yet to live up to his namesake and murder an old rich widowed recluse. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals. 

Team’s Real Goal: To make sure the word “gritty” is said no less than 20 times a broadcast when describing these Bulls.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Last Year’s Finish:  What? That’s not important.

Best Player: Lebron James – Came back for that unexplainable feeling of seeing an arena filled with rubes wearing burned jerseys.  

Best New Arrival: Lebron James – He joined the Cavaliers solely for the Best Player/Best New Arrival bullet point sweep. 

Strengths:  Their third best player is a former all-star game MVP while your team’s best player is thinking of a way to join the Cavaliers.  Will finish on top of the Eastern Conference and still get the number one draft pick.      

Weaknesses: Kevin Love realized that the perk of playing with Lebron James is instantly negated with the sacrifice of living in Cleveland.  Noted awful human being Dan Gilbert wins yet again. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals. 

Team’s Real Goal: To make the sappiest/most dramatic “I’m Coming Home” video of all time. 

Detroit Pistons

Last Year’s Finish: “Detroit Sucks and I hate it” – Mitt Romney

Best Player: Andre Drummond – His intense zeal and skill at blocking shots must come from some sort of emptiness inside.  Don’t block us Andre, we are only trying to drive to the hoop – of your heart.

Best New Arrival: DJ Augustin – Is being converted to a center to fit in with Detroit’s game plan of only fielding centers and power forwards. 

Strengths: Stan Van Gundy has at least three years before he alienates his best players and forces them to different teams.  The team will try a new strategy this season and attempt to win games. 

Weaknesses: Josh Smith made an off season vow to shoot even more three pointers because according to him, “that’s what the people want”.  Whenever Jodie Meeks enters the game he exclaims the Meeks shall inherit the Court. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs. 

Team’s Real Goal: To buy a Japanese made car. 

Indiana Pacers

Last Year’s Finish: “Blowin’ in the Wind”. 

Best Player: Paul George – Proved it’s never a good idea to play for one’s country. 

Best New Arrival: Rodney Stuckey – Looks like he’s “Stuck-ey” in a bad situation (I’ll see my way out). 

Strengths – The team has successfully navigated the quickest way through the indoor walkway in downtown Indianapolis.  David West has never once littered in the arena.       

Weaknesses – 75 points will constitute a strong offensive night for this team.  Roy Hibbert will only have two games this season to embarrass Tyson Chandler.   

Team’s Stated Goal: To weather their injuries and sneak into the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To lobby for this season to have an asterisk next to it for all official record books. 

Milwaukee Bucks

Last Year’s Finish: The opposite of good, watchable, and painless. 

Best Player: Larry Sanders – Finally has a favorite episode of the Larry Sanders Show.   

Best New Arrival: Jabari Parker – Has been compared to Carmelo Anthony in the sense that both will never win an NBA championship.

Strengths: Giannis Antetokounmpo is on pace for a record year in heart-warming and touching fish out of water stories.  Jason Kidd has quickly fit in with Buck’s culture by getting lost in the lights of numerous tracker trailers on the highway. 

Weaknesses: O.J. Mayo has yet to win a locked antlers battle with anybody.  It’s never a good sign when the team’s biggest selling point is that they haven’t skipped town. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players. 

Team’s Real Goal: To warn Bambi about his mother before it’s too late.