NBA Predictions: Northwest Division

Today on NBA Predictions we head up north and then west and then oddly south as I preview the Northwest Division.

Denver Nuggets

Last Years’ Finish: Well not so good once the mine shut down…

Best Player: Ty Lawson – One day he’ll be a star and he’ll show all of you!  Yeah that’s right a star!

Best New Arrival: Aaron Afflalo – Will most likely spend the rest of his career being traded back and forth between the Magic and the Nuggets.

Strengths: Kenneth Faried or the manimal has become very adept at evading poachers and nature documentarians.  Denver has finally become a “groovy” free agent destination due to some “hip” new grass laws “daddy-o”.  “Far out” indeed.    

Weaknesses: The team is comprised with multiple ex- New York Knicks players which is never a good sign if your franchise is trying to win.  Timofey Mozgov continues to deny that he was ever dunked on but his tears say otherwise.        

Team’s Stated Goal: To return to the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal:  What were we talking about?  Dave’s not here man!

Minnesota Timberwolves

Last Years’ Finish:  Timberwolves?  More like averagewolves (zing)!

Best Player: Nikola Pekovic – Unless your player’s name ends in Nowitzki or Bird it’s never a good sign when your best player is white. 

Best New Arrival: Thaddeus Young – Is happy to be playing on an awful team rather than a historically awful team.

Strengths:  They will not be as bad as the 76ers so there’s that.  The team has come to peace with the slogan “winning isn’t everything” and is now using it as the center of their marketing campaign. 

Weaknesses: They are developing young talent not for themselves, but for other franchises to snatch up.  Andrew Wiggins still believes he is on the Cavaliers and will be playing with Lebron James. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young talent and compete in each game.

Team’s Real Goal: To craft the perfect fuck you letter to Kevin Love. 

Portland Trail Blazers

Last Year’s Finish: Nobody died of dysentery, so a pleasant surprise. 

Best Player: LaMarcus Aldridge – Last year he achieved the greatest highlight of all when he was cast as Penny Marshall’s boyfriend on an episode of Portlandia.  Hooray for Hollywood!

Best New Arrival: Steve Blake – Will continue Portland’s trend of having a bad bench squad.

Strengths: Have finally caught up on Portlandia.  Damian Lillard is their best player not named LaMarcus Aldridge.   

Weaknesses:  The only people in Portland who cannot grow decent beards.  Get with the scene fellas!  Robin Lopez still looks like Sideshow Bob. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To host a first round playoff series and advance to the second round.   

Team’s Real Goal: To find out what the hell “Rip City” means. 

Oklahoma City Thunder

Last Year’s Finish: In the battle of youth vs age, youth lost. 

Best Player: Kevin Durant – Apologize to Lil B already!  It’s the only way to stop the curse. 

Best New Arrival: Anthony Morrow – His season highlight will be appearing in this section. 

Strengths – Russell Westbrook has adapted well into the role of over-criticized superstar.  Serge Ibaka still has the coolest name in the NBA. 

Weaknesses – Has decided to prove that young teams can get injured just as easily as veteran teams.  Has started to enjoy losing in the Western Conference Finals year after year.       

Team’s Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To move back to Seattle. 

Utah Jazz

Last Years’ Finish:   Played more like Wynton Marsalis rather than like Duke Ellington. 

Best Player: Gordon Hayward – It’s not a good sign when your best player looks like he’s 15 and gearing up for his Mormon Missionary trip.

Best New Arrival: Steve Novak – Is ready to accept his role as veteran player nobody really respects and listens to.   

Strengths:  Finally learned who Dave Brubeck was.  Derrick Favors puns still sound fresh and not played out.

Weaknesses: If they are to be called the Jazz they must work on their nicknaming game which is unfortunately very weak.  Their mascot is Mitt Romney.  Yikes.   

Team's Stated Goal: To have a successful rebuilding year.

Team's Real Goal: To put on their own successful production of Book of Mormon.