NBA Predictions: The Southwest Division

Today on NBA predictions we head down south and west to east.  It's the Southwest Division y'all! 

Dallas Mavericks

Last Years’ Finish: Would you believe they nearly beat the Spurs?  Crazy. 

Best Player: Dirk Nowitzki – The ultimate in efficient German engineering am I right?  I am right.  Very right.  Almost too right…

Best New Arrival: Chandler Parsons – Is looking forward to a change in scenery to mask another first round exit.    

Strengths:  Mark Cuban has regained his number one spot as the GM who starts hilarious and distracting feuds.  Monta Ellis changed his name to Montana Ellis.  It just fits.  

Weaknesses: Raymond Felton and Jameer Nelson will finally decide who was the most decent point guard from 2009-2011.  Tyson Chandler has already run out of ways to criticize his team’s lack of defensive focus.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs and win a series. 

Team’s Real Goal: To start a successful campaign to cancel Shark Tank.

Houston Rockets

Last Years’ Finish:  An instant classic – for the Portland Trail Blazers.

Best Player: James Harden – Over the summer he finally took the leap and deleted Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook’s phone numbers (but he still follows them on instagram).  Baby steps James.  Baby steps. 

Best New Arrival: Trevor Ariza – Is relishing the chance to take over the most overpaid role player in the NBA position. 

Strengths:  The team has decided to say "blast off" before every game while pretending to be little spaceships soaring through the heavens.  Needless to say it’s quite adorable.  Dwight Howard has successfully alienated everybody on his team.

Weaknesses: James Harden sees no problem with the fact that there are 300 YouTube compilations entitled “James Harden Defensive Fail”.  Somehow thought that losing good players would make them a better and more complete squad.    

Team’s Stated Goal: Gain home court advantage in the first round of the playoffs and make a deep run.

Team’s Real Goal: To win Daryl Morey as much praise from Grantland as humanly possible. 

Memphis Grizzlies

Last Year’s Finish: Only slightly better than the fate of the polar bear. 

Best Player: Marc Gasol – He spent the summer telling his brother Pau, that he was still the better Gasol.  In other news Marc Gasol is a liar. 

Best New Arrival: Vince Carter – Is the only player on the team who can tell the difference between a grizzly bear and a brown bear.  He is revered for this. 

Strengths:  Zach Randolph just had a great summer guys.  He just found himself.  The team sports a great selection of Memphis Blues tunes for whenever the team suffers a crushing defeat.     

Weaknesses: Theodore Roosevelt hunted and killed the team’s previous eight mascots.  Quincy Pondexter has been shoved into many a locker this year (what a nerd).    

Team’s Stated Goal:  To make a deep playoff run.

Team’s Real Goal:  To return back to Vancouver and be free and live alone in peace god dammit!

New Orleans Pelicans

Last Year’s Finish: Enhancement (say it like Cajun Man).

Best Player: Anthony Davis – Has been compared to Patrick Ewing.  Hopefully he can hit a finger roll when it FUCKING COUNTS (I still love you Patrick but never forget.  Never forget.). 

Best New Arrival - Omer Asik – Every team needs a weird European.  He is that weird European for the Pelicans. 

Strengths – It’s always a holiday with Jrue Holiday (trademark pending).  It’s always Hanukkah with Dionte Christmas (trademark also pending).    

Weaknesses – Will be a great team in a few years.  Unfortunately the key words in that sentence are a few years (hang in there New Orleans).  Still can’t get a player elected king of Mardi Gras or even basketballer of Mardi Gras.  Pathetic.   

Team’s Stated Goal: To compete for a playoff spot.

Team’s Real Goal: To scoop up as many fresh fish as possible with their beaks. 

San Antonio Spurs

Last Years’ Finish: Predictable. 

Best Player: Tony Parker – Wants you to believe he’s the most underrated superstar in the league.  Nice try but no dice!

Best New Arrival: Kyle Anderson – Lucky bastard. 

Strengths:  Tim Duncan is the best 85 year old basketball player in the world.  The Spurs will play none of their starters and still win 60 games.   

Weaknesses: Gregg Popovich peaked in classic interviews last year so expect for him to have a good but not transcendent media season.  Manu Ginobili still does not speak English or even Spanish.  Weird I know. 

Team's Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals.

Team's Real Goal: To win the NBA Finals (that’s how boring they are they don’t even have a funny real goal).