Pros and Cons of Common Cold Symptoms

Pros and Cons of Common Cold Symptoms

Stuffy and Running Nose

Pro: The realization that there is a fate worse than death and it is currently between my nostrils. Somehow the icy inevitable embrace doesn’t seem so terrible as compared to the never ending crustiness afflicting my precious, precious nostrils.

Con: How does this phenomenon of battling bodily failures occur? How can a draining and clogging process work so perfectly to annoy and destroy a perfectly functioning human nose and body? Answer: Since puberty my body has been actively trying to kill me or at the worst maim and embarrass the consciousness it holds.

Scratchy Throat

Pro: At worst it’s usually over in a few minutes and I get to experience life as a Middle American with my red throat (that’s the closest I have physically gotten to that particular lifestyle). The funhouse mirror Jason Thompson is an intriguing one as replace my signature quasi-hipster New York cred with simple pleasures like the hankering of joining a militia for those hypothetical situations where I defeat the full might of the US government with a shotgun and my hound dog Geech.

Con: To cover up my red throat, sometimes I sell out and don a scarf robbing the world of my stunning chest hair and 70’s porn star look. Without the exposed chest my parted hair just looks plain foolish. Sometimes the solution is as painful as the problem.

Itchy Eyes

Pro: I perpetually look like the major pothead I am mistaken for, but for some odd reason the cops never seem to mind my dazed look and red eyes and allow me to go along with my day. I must have all the luck!

Con: Realizing my glasses do very little to protect my eyes. Here I thought these instruments could provide me some defense against the elements, but lo and behold I am as helpless as the next person and probably more so because I have to take off my glasses to wipe my eyes, temporarily blinding me. Again, the human body disappoints.

Body Aches

Pro: The joys of experiencing what my body will feel like daily in at least 25 years (fingers crossed for 26). I’ve always been a sucker for spoilers and sneak previews and this is the best one! Hurrah for aging.

Con: Feeling like my body could break at any moment like many a children’s fable about the overstuffed mitten and such. I am not ready to have my pain immortalized in a story about how kids should probably take their cold medication consistently.