How to Pick the Right Dating App

Join these dating apps/websites if:

Bumble

If you enjoy swiping on the hottest, most beautiful people in the world while in no way expecting a match.

(Guy) It’s fun to know that women also suck at sending out messages.

(Girl) The thrill that comes with not receiving a sexist comment until the third message. Truly the enlightened casual dating app.

Tinder

If you enjoy basking in the intense judgement of others that comes after you say “so I met them on Tinder”.

Enjoying never knowing if you two are dating, quasi-dating, seeing each other, friends with benefits, or just you know hanging out and stuff, super casual.

You want to get really close to somebody, like spend every minute of every day with them only to have them never reply to any of your texts or calls out of the blue. Act now, the joys of ghosting can be yours!

JSwipe

You could always have your self-esteem significantly lowered.

Your hero is Norman Bates.

You’ve read all of Phillip Roth’s novels and thought that’s the guy for me.

Christian Mingle

You’re trying to find somebody who also thinks that screaming at women outside of a Planned Parenthood constitutes the perfect first date.

For the kinky Christian – it’s always a threesome because no matter who you date, you always date with our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Their “dating algorithm” is the only type of science you’re willing to believe in.

OkCupid

You like answering a million personality questions that will ultimately be ignored based on how hot you are.

(Girl): You enjoy being bombarded with countless messages and threats if god forbid you don’t reply within 30 seconds of receiving another shitty “sup” greeting.

Finding out how much of a mortal enemy you are with a stranger because you both had different answers to the question of which “shitty early thousands emo band are you?”

Match

Commercials always tell the truth and never exaggerate or lie!

Your life is passing you by very quickly and it’s about time you dragged somebody down with you.

Dating should be neither fun nor interesting at all.

eHarmony

You’re secretly super Christian (do a quick search I’m not joking about this one…the founder’s a goddamn crazy Christian).

Christian Mingle is for harlots and heretics. Give us something even more Christian (again look this shit up)!

You’re trying to go straight from being single and unhappy to being married and unhappy.