Can We Pass Over Passover?

Does anybody really like the Passover holiday? Along with Yom Kippur, Ramadan, and Lent it falls in the ever popular holiday category of “don’t do this”. These can’t be popular with the faithful because nobody likes to be told what they can’t do or more importantly what they can’t eat. It’s one of the main reasons Michelle Obama’s very smart maybe we should give our kids heathier dining options program was met with such scorn from a select group of morons (other reasons in no particular order: “don’t tell me how to raise my child”, racism, and reactionary partisanship). But let’s get back on track to the completely real events (my eyes have now rolled completely to the back of my head) of how the Jews left enslavement in Egypt. Do we really think that on the one year anniversary of leaving Egypt the survivors thought to remake that flavorless yeast free shit bread dubbed matzo? I’m going to go with the opposite. I bet they made the yeastiest most leavened bread they could muster as a hilarious final fuck you to the Pharaoh. Like fuck you Pharaoh now that I’m free and not being chased by chariots and an army I don’t have to skimp on the yeast and can make a delicious bagel and stuff it with the finest lox and cream cheese (no low fat nonsense on this occasion) while complaining about how for the last year we’ve been blindly following Moses and we seem to be wandering around in circles. Coincidence, hardly! I mean, I can’t be the only one who notices this aimless wandering right? If I am, I’ll shut up, but people c’mon. It’s been a year and well that Promised Land ain’t looking anywhere closer, but that’s just me and Bathsheba, and the lately the Cohen family bringing this up. But fine I’ll give it a rest today and enjoy this delicious leavened bread and give thanks that we don’t have to eat that matzo shit. Am I right in saying that “bread” was the roughest part of that day? Man was that gross. So a toast to yeast…and somebody asking Moses what the hell is going on because seriously I’m not going this for another thirty-nine years. If that isn’t a perfect historical recreation of the second Passover I don’t know what is.

Also let’s talk about the movie The 10 Commandments staring Charlton Heston, Yul Brynner, and Edward G. Robinson. It’s a great film and all but man are the Jews in that movie not the smartest. For some reason, despite all of Moses’ many miracles time after time without fail the chosen people decide to listen to Dathan. Moses has the staff that turns into a snake, he caused the plagues that ravaged the Egyptians and did no harm or rather “passed over” the Jews, and for the grand finale he parted the Red Sea to allow safe passage to freedom. Now any fully functioning human being would think this would earn Moses the benefit of the doubt. Oh no, not with crowd because apparently parting a sea can’t match up the dulcet mobster tones of Edward G. Robinson’s ever convincing “where’s your God now Moses” speech. Naturally the people listen to Dathan, the Jewish informant to the Pharaoh and the biblical equivalent to Uncle Tom. This is the guy who left bondage being carried on a bed-throne while the rest of the Jews had at most a basket and a three legged donkey. So this is the guy they chose to listen to when Moses leaves to take a twenty minute breather. Despite all God has done for them in the last week, the Jews somehow listen to Dathan’s idea to build and worship a golden calf while somehow roping Aaron, Moses’ brother, into the scheme. Again, what are we doing Jews? Why a golden calf and why Dathan. The guy has been wrong and against you the whole movie. Why would we decide to follow this guy over the person who performed actual miracles? What a fickle people. So anyway, Moses comes down, gets pissed, kills all the sinners with the Ten Commandments tablets and then wanders around until he decides to give the reins to Joshua and ascend to heaven at the ripe age of 120. And that’s the story of Passover and reason we can’t east bread for a week. What a ride.