Tinder Social Advice

There are few things that are constant in this world. For one, the sun will rise in the east and set in the west. I assume there is a second constant, but a third, yes a third constant in this world is that I am a TINDER GOD. But like any God (especially the Greek ones), I have my problems and foibles. So I decided, it’s time to create my own Mount Olympus and by that I mean form a Tinder Social group with two esteemed friends. After some preliminary swiping, matching, messaging, and then un-matching, I have come up with a helpful guide for the group swipers.

As with anything in life, make sure you pair up with attractive people, but not that much more attractive than you. Nobody wants to be telling the story of how they ended up alone on a three on three group date.

People it’s a Tinder Social Group not a Tinder Social Jason (trademark). I can’t be the only one sending out poor openers. We’re a team over here. We need to spread the poor messaging out evenly.

Make sure everybody knows what their role is in the group and have them play to that strength. Your gif guy should only send gifs – this is no time for him to be experimenting with “words” and “sentences”. Same goes for the guy whose job is to solely swipe yes on 19 year olds. Don’t go for “age appropriate”. That’s not why we cast you in our group.

Take solace in enjoying how far apart you are from your group by obsessively staring at the miles away part of their profiles. Also take the time to bask in a quiet superiority as you judge how lame their pictures and bios are (you like dogs – real original asshole).

Always get your math right. If there are 3 guys and 2 girls, that means each dick gets two openings (ladies choice of course). Now if there are 2 guys and 3 girls, each dick gets a full three openings on one person with a choice of either the mouth and ass on the third capped off with both dicks penetration the vagina at the same time. Again people, simple math. You don’t have to be a whiz to figure this stuff out.

Remember in a 2x2 or 3x3 group date you should each find a different person to fall in love with. Nowt sometimes life doesn’t work out that way and two people can fall for the same special someone. If this scenario does arise simply ruin your close friendship and compete for the affection of that someone. In the end, attempting to sleep with a tinder date is more important than years of close friendship. You’ll be happy you sacrificed all those years for a night of possibly having sex.

If you’re not intent on engaging on an all-night 3 on 3 group orgy fuckfestorama ala Zoolander, then you need to open up Tinder and delete your profile because you are wasting all of our precious gangbanging time.

Just because it’s Tinder Social, doesn’t mean that all the normal Tinder rules are out the door. When you match with a group it is still necessary to run around your apartment screaming, yelling, and imagining your perfect future with a potential group of soulmates.

On the date, it’s important to show that you are a united front. So make sure you and your team all wear the same exact outfits and say the same things at the same times. Consistency is key.

If a date ends poorly there’s always the option of fucking the people in your Tinder Social group. Right? Right?

There it is – use my wisdom to your advantage and get those group dates a going!