Unrequited Tinder Love

Tinder has achieved a notoriety because it digitizes the bar scene experience (or so I like to believe).  Anyway a benefit to tinder is the passivity of the rejection.  Rather than a mean look or snide comment, rejection on here comes with delightful silence.  Your green speech bubble hangs out there waiting for a lifeline.  Below I would like to share for you some of my unrequited tinder love moments and perhaps we can discuss why they were left out in the cold to freeze.

Tinder 1:

 I like your black outfit

1 minute later: How’s it going

14 minutes later: Probably not my best opener…

3 days later: Or was it???

Analysis:  She was a bitch.  Also maybe too vague and boring?  Nah, I’ll put this one on her. 

Tinder 2: 

Michigan!!!

1 minute later: Or I assume based on the facepaint

10 minutes later: Or rather how’s it going? Lol

Analysis:  Again, she was a bitch.  Also never write lol.  But I’ll put the blame more on her.

Tinder 3:

I guess you and that possum are even

1 day later: Or not

5 days later: Im so honored to have matched with a famous person!

Analysis: Another bitch, I mean what are the odds that every girl that does not return my advances would be a bitch?  Crazy right?  Or maybe it was because she was over 50 miles away.  But again I can’t put all the blame on myself; this is no time for self-pity!  So I’ll settle on the first option.

Tinder 4:

You take a nice askew photo.

26 days later: Your nonaskew photos are also very nice.

34 days later: Or whatever you know

Analysis:  I’ll put the blame squarely on me for this one.  You just can’t form a relationship by sending a message every month.  And of course, I suppose she was a bitch because well I have a recurring punchline going that needs answering,

Tinder 5:

Whale skulls and sunflowers.  Could be an interesting band name.

Analysis: Sounds like a good band name  - for a bitch (the bite is back)!

Tinder 6:

Haha you wouldn’t happen to be a playboy bunny in that last pic would you?  I swear I have that same costume somewhere…

Analysis:  Perhaps I’m not as funny as I think I am.  No, that can’t be.  It’s the tinderettes that are wrong.

Tinder 7:

Sydney eh?? Enjoying life in NYC so far??

13 hours later: I’ll take that as a yes!

Analysis:  Who wouldn’t have a good time in New York, surely I can’t and I will not blame her for not responding.  Also not going to call her a bitch, I’ve moved past that (plus that bit was getting played out am I right).

So there it goes, my unrequited loves are up for all to see.  Enjoy and give me your thoughts and let’s work this out together while I’m in the reflective mood.  Or you could just not respond.  How apropos would that be? 

Hannukah/Chanukah/Channukkah/Hanukkah Questions Answered!

As Hannukah draws to a close (I believe tonight is the 7^th night), my mood has turned reflective as I’ve pondered another Festival of Lights gone by.  I’ve always thought of Channukah as the Jewish consolation prize to the cultural behemoth that is Christmas, but then again I’ve never really cared that much about Christmas in the first place.  I enjoy the holiday season and take a perverse joy in wishing people a Happy Hannukkah or a Happy Holidays instead of  a Merry Christmas (on days not labeled the 24^th or 24^th of December).  It’s just my petty way of striking back for every hung person in the whole wide universe (take a guess of who I stole these lyrics from).  A great Channukkah tradition is the answering of gentile (and even other Jews) questions about this lovely non-Christian related holiday.  So below I’d like to dole out some answers to some popular queries I’ve heard over the years and enlighten those who still go around asking me why I don’t celebrate Christmas.

1)      Did you ever believe in Santa Claus?  Did you ever feel left out of the whole Santa Claus thing?

First off that’s two questions – let’s keep it one at a time here people.  Also the second question is a bit vague but I’ll give it a shot.  I have never believed in Santa Claus and never felt left out of the whole Santa Claus mythos thing.  I took it as a badge of pretentious pride that I was never fooled into believing that I had to please some omniscient fat man in the hopes of getting a Lego X-Wing fighter.  My never believing in Santa Claus is the root cause of my false sense of superiority and my belief that I was always a step quicker than most of those in my age group.  

To the second question, I never did feel left out of the whole Santa mythos and I rather liked that.  I liked knowing that my presents came from my parents/esteemed family members instead of a mysterious immortal because I enjoyed the fact that my parents/esteemed family members went out of their way to give me a moment of joy.  I knew who to thank and enjoyed the fact that so many people wanted to make me happy.  Why what are you rambling about that’s not a tear, I just have something in my eye!  Jesus Christ people can I get a freaking minute over here!

Several minutes and many wet tissues later….

2)      What do you do on Christmas?

Ah a popular and important question.  I guess I’d have to go with the old Jewish clichés of seeing a movie, having a delicious dinner of Chinese food, and then drinking the blood of a newborn Christian baby before calling it a night.  Aside from aimlessly wandering the empty and closed streets with other Jews there is really nothing else to do aside from seeing a good holiday blockbuster, having a good dinner, and then topping it off with a nice Christian baby sacrifice.  Man, oh man just typing this stuff is getting me excited for Christmas!  I can’t wait.

3)      How does one spell Hannukah?

This is a tricky one.  I for one have no idea on how to spell Chanukkah and just put in a random assortment of n’s and k’s into the equation.  I’d say anything between Chanukah and Hannnnukkkkkkkah is about right.  I implore you to get creative with your spelling because who’s going to know/care?  If anyone points out a mistake tell them they’re jewsplaining (copyrighted!) or just being an Anti-Semite.  Problem solved.

4)        What is Hannukkah about?

Hanukah is about how a town with 14 Jews can force City Hall to erect a gigantic menorah to counter the overabundance of Nativity scenes and Christmas Trees while forcing everybody to say happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas.  In short, Channukah is about miracles!

5)      Why doesn’t Hannukah have a set date?

Because that would make too much sense (rimshot)!  But seriously, good question.  Very good question.  Next question please…

6)      Why don’t you celebrate Christmas – it’s more of a cultural holiday than a religious holiday anway?

Then explain to me things like Christmas Mass and the whole putting the Christ back in Christmas movement.  Christmas is about the day a certain Lord and Savior immaculately entered our mortal plane and made life a whole lot harder and worse for a specific group of Semites.  I’m not so keen on giving Mr. Good Intentions but burdened with horrible followers and translations a birthday bash.  I’ll sit this one out and light my little candles instead.

7)      Why is your menorah so cool?

My menorah is in the shape of a baseball diamond and when you press down on home plate, “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” plays.  So yes, my menorah is really cool. 

I think seven is a good place to stop as it is a lucky number for the Jews (and also everyone else).  I’d like to leave you with a message of Happy Holidays and blah blah blah you know whatever happy happy. 

The Junk Food Crisis

I’m getting old.  And by getting old I mean that I’m losing or have already lost my ability to eat copious amounts of disgusting, delicious junk food without feeling sick or regretting it.  Last night, a respected colleague of mine and I decided to get a collection of sweets and treats for the sole purpose of eating like we had each been dumped in a romantic comedy and I immediately regretted our choice of food.  There was too much sweetness and I keeled over in intense stomach pain like an old man.  I couldn’t do it.  I could not finish the bounty of processed sugar in front of me and my thoughts took a turn for the worse.  My careless youthful eating habits flashed before my eyes and I struggled with the thought of what it was like to eat junk food without any cause for concern.  An old love of mine had crippled me and I lay on the floor angry at my body for sudden betrayal into old boring age.  Would my snacking highlights just be relegated to chocolate covered almonds and the occasional Oreo?  I shuddered to think of that bleak future but then again I may have shuttered because my stomach was staging a revolt against my own body.  Needless to say, I would not be exiting the fetal position for a long while. 

Where had I gone wrong in my junk food life?  I tried to pick up the pieces and retrace my eating habits to pinpoint the cause of my sudden resistance to the worst things out there.  The first place my mind entered was that of the fast food kingdom and how I struggled to eat from any one of the famed burger chains without it being after 1 a.m. or me being fully in control.  The last time I had an afternoon meal at McDonald’s was on July 4^th (I was celebrating America in my own way) and the food almost took me out of commission for the long haul.  Every sip of soda from their absurdly wide straws brought visions of my blood pressure rising and with every subsequent bite of delicious hamburger I could feel my body gaining weight and entering a healthy BMI.  This horrified me as I raced from my health fears to my own personal fear of not being able to enjoy these empty calories and trans fats.  What was becoming of me?  The only fast food I could wholeheartedly tolerate was a sub from Blimpies or a delicious street hotdog but even those were not consequence free offerings (they had a staggering recovery time).  I was changing and I didn’t like it.

Fear not loyal reader as I can still tolerate a greasy burger, but truth be told it has to be a step up from McDonalds or Burger King.  It has to, nay, must be at least coffee shop quality and then I’m good to go.  My tolerance for junk is not what it used to be and I suppose that’s a good thing.  I’ve heard rumors that when you age your metabolism slows down and I am beginning to fear that those rumors may be true and *gasp* may be coming for me.  I guess my lack of tolerance for terrible food is a blessing in disguise.  But I am not at that point in my life where I am grasping for silver linings.  Eating unfettered junk food has now become a chore rather than a delight and is just another in a series of depressing anecdotes that prove I’m getting older and I can’t stop the coldness of inevitability.  The natural response would be to embrace the change and adapt but like most in the human race I am not as susceptible to change as I want to believe I am.  I’m at a crossroads here and I don’t know what to do when faced with another one of life’s minor crises that a bigger man would have brushed off easily.  What to do, what to do?  In short I have no clue other than to ponder the future of my fate and stare at the half eaten plastic box of gummy worms.  What to do, oh what to do.   

This Stupid Unequal Country

The only people who don’t understand the refrain “how many deaths will it takes till he knows that too many people have died” seem to exclusively serve on grand juries.  From Ferguson down to Staten Island our justice system has really failed us.  But it’s not just the justice system; it’s the people that serve in these juries.  To repurpose an old George Carlin line, maybe it’s the people that suck.  How could these grand juries not indict clear cut killers of unarmed black men?  It just makes no sense.   Granted the Ferguson case had some room (minimal at best) for doubt, but surely not the Eric Garner murder.  He was murdered plain and simple and the murder was captured fully on camera.  That calls for an indictment at the least.  The same calls for Ferguson and Michael Brown.  At least put these policemen on trial so that the evidence and case can be explored.  That’s what the indictment is.  It is a start towards justice for the unarmed black men who were murdered by two police officers.  This country has proved once again that life isn’t fair for those born without white skin (for more on this listen to “Only a Pawn in Their Game” by Bob Dylan).  How many of these deaths will it take for an indictment?  Will there be any justice for the family of Akai Gurley, another man shot down for absolutely no reason?  What will be the breaking point for the criminal justice system because we the general public have already reached our breaking point.  This reminds me of the Sandy Hook aftermath where 90% of Americans supported gun control regulations but the measures still couldn’t pass because apparently the 10% opposed served in Congress.  Today the only people who aren’t outraged by these murders of black men are serving on grand juries.  Even conservatives are coming out for indictment, like Judge Andrew Napolitano of Fox News.  This is a man who believes that Lincoln shouldn’t have fought the Civil War but is now coming out in favor of indictment.  You can’t get more and cut and dry than this case.  I mean Eric Garner’s death was ruled a homicide by the medical examiner.  A homicide in my understanding is a synonym of the word murder which means the unlawful killing of another person.  Did the people on the grand jury not know what that word meant?  I guess the only thing to say is that the answer to this and many questions may be blowin’ in the wind.  Blowin’ in the wind indeed. 

Stop saying black on black violence or black on black crime, the phrase reeks of racism.  It is just a lame dodge by people who refuse to look at the real issues like race and economic inequality.  I believe Larry Wilmore said it best on the Daily Show when he said we should just call it crime.  I agree with that and wish people would realize that most crime is intraracial.  We don’t hear the phrase white on white crime tossed around now do we?  When Bernie Madoff stole money from Elie Wiesel and Fred Wilpon it wasn’t called a Jew on Jew crime.  I call for a stop of this ridiculous Fox News term used to avert attention from the real issue of how minorities in this country aren’t treated fairly and equally.  Let’s start with that crime.

Nothing brings out the police like people exercising their 1^st amendment rights and marching against chronic injustice.  I was in Grand Central and saw at least 30 police officers rushing to areas with nobody in sight.  On the night of the Ferguson non-indictment I saw three to four rows of police officers with helicopters roving around the night sky for hours.  I can’t remember seeing this kind of police activity in Manhattan other than the aftermath of 9/11, when they had a real right to be out and about.  Police chief Bratton said that the cops showed great restraint in only arresting 200 protesters.  I guess restraint these days means they didn’t shoot anybody in cold blood.  We need better policing policies in this country and that starts with a more diverse and representative force coupled with a demilitarization of these squads.  That would be a real step for progress (I just want to pull the obligatory but true mention that most police are good cops and blah blah blah).  Below I have a couple of good links to a Bill Maher routine about police militarization and the Larry Wilmore bit referenced before.

Relevant Links and Articles

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/larry-wilmore-rants-black-black-753561 - Larry Wilmore

Bill Maher Police Militarization

My New Obsession: Trivia Crack

My new obsession has to be the new phone app called Trivia Crack.  For those who don’t know what Trivia Crack is, my answer is that you are thinking too hard and need to simply re-read the name of the app.  This is the phone version of Trivial Pursuit but with the added bonus of being quicker and loaded with questions about the events of the last 5 years.  The questions can range from hopelessly easily and general (what continent is Ellis Island on – real question) to devastatingly hard and specific (what year was Boston founded in with the choices being within a year of each other).  Either way, this game combines my love of trivia with my love of playing other people in trivia to demonstrate how much I enjoy showing off my knowledge of things people had previously laughed at me for knowing.  Oh how the tables have turned and now I get to be obnoxious on a whole other level.  There is truly nothing quite like correctly guessing the answer to some obscure college football question to vanquish a trivia foe.  These are our glory days.  I discovered this game over Thanksgiving due to my brother and we introduced it to our cousins which produced the quietest but also most intense Thanksgiving of all.  We sat down together in complete silence spinning a question dial and waiting for others to answer when we faltered.  The only sounds made were whimpers of “fuck” and “shit” and the occasionally gleeful “I win”.  It was the best Thanksgiving game ever and we all are still playing it obsessively.  My circle has grown to include contemporaries and friends as we all impatiently wait for the time when we will attempt to steal a crown and go further on our journey towards trivia/trivial domination.  Have I mentioned that this game has made me even more obnoxious?

Well it has but who cares, because in probably a week I’ll stop playing, but for right now I can’t get enough of this new obsession of mine which is why I’ve cleverly defined this habit as an obsession.  I invite all who are interested to play me for I can guarantee you are in for a (mostly) fair fight and a chance to become marginally smarter.  It’s bound to happen as you tend to get asked some similar questions that you can’t help but gradually memorize (thanks to Trivia Crack it is engrained in my mind that Suzanne Collins wrote the Hunger Games).  My major complaints with the game can be the broadness of the questions in the categories.  I’ve seen vocab definitions in the art section that have nothing to do with art (it was a query on synonyms).  Also the categories of entertainment, art, and history have a tendency to overlap but what are you going to do.  I guess it is up to the high exalted question maker to decide whether a question about Citizen Kane belongs in history or entertainment. 

So if you were asking the question of what I’ve been doing other than attending Bob Dylan concerts, I’d go with the answer of playing a phone trivia game that lives up to its name of Trivia Crack.  So why don’t you download the game and start a match against me.  Be advised that if you beat me more than three times in a row I will cease to compete against you because I am petty like that.  Or maybe I won’t and come back with a vengeance and zeal to beat my white whale.  Regardless, I am always down for a match of trivia.