As Hannukah draws to a close (I believe tonight is the 7th
night), my mood has turned reflective as I’ve pondered another Festival of Lights
gone by. I’ve always thought of
Channukah as the Jewish consolation prize to the cultural behemoth that is Christmas,
but then again I’ve never really cared that much about Christmas in the first place. I enjoy the holiday season and take a perverse
joy in wishing people a Happy Hannukkah or a Happy Holidays instead of a Merry
Christmas (on days not labeled the 24th or 24th of
December). It’s just my petty way of
striking back for every hung person in the whole wide universe (take a guess of
who I stole these lyrics from). A great
Channukkah tradition is the answering of gentile (and even other Jews) questions
about this lovely non-Christian related holiday. So below I’d like to dole out some answers to
some popular queries I’ve heard over the years and enlighten those who still go
around asking me why I don’t celebrate Christmas.
1)
Did you ever believe in Santa Claus? Did you ever feel left out of the whole Santa
Claus thing?
First off that’s two questions – let’s keep
it one at a time here people. Also the
second question is a bit vague but I’ll give it a shot. I have never believed in Santa Claus and
never felt left out of the whole Santa Claus mythos thing. I took it as a badge of pretentious pride
that I was never fooled into believing that I had to please some omniscient fat
man in the hopes of getting a Lego X-Wing fighter. My never believing in Santa Claus is the root
cause of my false sense of superiority and my belief that I was always a step
quicker than most of those in my age group.
To the second question, I never did feel left
out of the whole Santa mythos and I rather liked that. I liked knowing that my presents came from my
parents/esteemed family members instead of a mysterious immortal because I
enjoyed the fact that my parents/esteemed family members went out of their way
to give me a moment of joy. I knew who
to thank and enjoyed the fact that so many people wanted to make me happy. Why what are you rambling about that’s not a tear, I just have
something in my eye! Jesus Christ people can I get a freaking minute over here!
Several minutes and many wet tissues later….
2)
What do you do on Christmas?
Ah a popular and important question. I guess I’d have to go with the old Jewish clichés
of seeing a movie, having a delicious dinner of Chinese food, and then drinking
the blood of a newborn Christian baby before calling it a night. Aside from aimlessly wandering the empty and closed
streets with other Jews there is really nothing else to do aside from seeing a
good holiday blockbuster, having a good dinner, and then topping it off with a nice
Christian baby sacrifice. Man, oh man
just typing this stuff is getting me excited for Christmas! I can’t wait.
3)
How does one spell Hannukah?
This is a tricky one. I for one have no idea on how to spell
Chanukkah and just put in a random assortment of n’s and k’s into the equation.
I’d say anything between Chanukah and
Hannnnukkkkkkkah is about right. I
implore you to get creative with your spelling because who’s going to
know/care? If anyone points out a
mistake tell them they’re jewsplaining (copyrighted!) or just being an
Anti-Semite. Problem solved.
4)
What is
Hannukkah about?
Hanukah is about how a town with 14 Jews
can force City Hall to erect a gigantic menorah to counter the overabundance of
Nativity scenes and Christmas Trees while forcing everybody to say happy
holidays instead of Merry Christmas. In
short, Channukah is about miracles!
5)
Why doesn’t Hannukah have a set date?
Because that would make too much sense (rimshot)! But seriously, good question. Very good question. Next question please…
6)
Why don’t you celebrate Christmas – it’s more of
a cultural holiday than a religious holiday anway?
Then explain to me things like Christmas
Mass and the whole putting the Christ back in Christmas movement. Christmas is about the day a certain Lord and
Savior immaculately entered our mortal plane and made life a whole lot harder
and worse for a specific group of Semites.
I’m not so keen on giving Mr. Good Intentions but burdened with horrible
followers and translations a birthday bash.
I’ll sit this one out and light my little candles instead.
7)
Why is your menorah so cool?
My menorah is in the shape of a baseball
diamond and when you press down on home plate, “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”
plays. So yes, my menorah is really
cool.
I think seven is a good place to stop as it is a lucky
number for the Jews (and also everyone else).
I’d like to leave you with a message of Happy Holidays and blah blah
blah you know whatever happy happy.
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