Play by Play: All You Can Eat Sushi Buffet

Play by play of an all you can eat sushi experience.

10:30 PM Day before: Walking around aimlessly when I start to feel hungry. Very hungry. Then a perverse thought occurs. Should I go to that new all you can eat sushi buffet close to me called Ragu? Is it as delicious as the sauce? Will it be a pathetic and soul crushing experience to gorge alone? The answer: most definitely yes.

10:35: I text a platonic friend and she’s down for a platonic all you can eat sushi buffet date in the most platonic sense possible. I joke that we should not eat anything until we meet up at three for the buffet. She laughs. I scold her. Prep time is the most essential part of the buffet experience. I cannot overstate this enough.

Night to morning (but let’s say like one in the afternoon): I have a night filled with strange erotic dreams confirming that Japanese food was a good choice. Note to self (based on my dream): don’t order anything with tentacles or from a vending machine.

2:13: My platonic friend says she’s taking a very platonic walk over to my house and then we’ll head to the buffet. I say great and begin my third vomiting purge of the day. This one is special though as it’s not for the buffet, but for me. I mean how else do I keep this lean mean figure? Jealous much? I thought so.

3:07: She has platonically arrived. We take a stroll over and realize that Ragu isn’t open till 4. I also learn that the place is not called Ragu but something else. Something not amusing so it will remain as Ragu for the purposes of this diary. I have principles.

3:07-3:50: We kill time by sitting around Madison Square Park observing a large number of three wheeled scooters. What a time to be alive. My friend is going on about needing a listening ear or something but I have checked out. My mind is on the meal. The glorious meal that will ruin me for the rest of the day and into tomorrow. Needless to say I’m excited.

4:04: We have arrived. The place is empty which is either nice or a warning that I’m about to embark on a wild food poisoning adventure. But then again adventure is my middle name (on a freemium cell-phone game. Or rather the “a” initial is. They don’g allow full middle names for characters).

4:08: We have ordered and the waiting begins. My friend goes to the bathroom and right on cue the appetizers arrive in the form of kani salad, edamame, seaweed salad, and various chicken dishes. Naturally the question arises of do I dig in or wait for her return? I notice that I’m already four edamame deep, so I do the honorable thing and start on my fifth one because this is a buffet. Manners and dignity went out the door when we entered.

4:15: The sashimi is here and it is lovely. Picture perfect. I attempt to take a quirky snapchat video but I mess up and only take a decent picture of the raw fish. I excuse myself to the bathroom for a quick cry and when I return the piece de resistance has landed; the master tray of all you can eat maki rolls. My eyes water. Is this what food heaven is like? The answer no: heaven is not real. My atheism returns and I’m able to dig in.

4:28: A non-platonic pair of people also known as a romantic boyfriend girlfriend duo have just arrived and are seated to the far left of us. As me and my friend scarf down our food we hear loud smacking noises. Lo and behold these people are going at it tongue over heels in a very graphic display of PDA. If anything, it nearly distracts me and my friend from our platonic mutual masturbation. But we’re not the type to get easily distracted. No sir. Not at all.

4:47: The hunger has been replaced with the stuffed. We’ve eaten everything but the last piece of chicken teriyaki which is doused in something closer to a paste than a sauce. My friend orders more as she is a champ. I gamely eat three more pieces of sashimi before my eyes roll to the back of my skull.

5:03: The feasting is over. The bill has come and playing the role (more like spicy tuna roll – am I right people) of the perfect gentleman I offer to pay the tip. My ploy falls flat and I end up paying half while marking down the exact time and date that chivalry in America died.

5:05: We leave the restaurant and part ways…forever know that our friendship has hit its logical peak. Everything would only be a steep downhill descent from here. I return to my house and enter the bathroom make peace with my new surroundings for the next hour or so. It was a glorious meal. In three weeks I will be ready to taste food again. It was worth it.