Unrequited Tinder Love the Third

It’s time again to haul through the archives of my ever popular Tinder profile for the next installment of unrequited Tinder Love. These are the messages I sent out that were meet with the ever popular silent “go fuck yourself” response. So enjoy my “romantic mishaps” while I pretend my eyes are red because there are things in them.

Tinder 1

Message: Berets berets berets!! Merci!

Analysis:  I have no idea what I was expecting to get out of this one. Your guess is as good as mine.

Tinder 2

Message: Finally another native new yorker. Were endangered animaks I tell ya#

Analysis: Nothing says I’m interested in getting to know you like a first message with numerous typos and replacing an exclamation mark with a hashtag sign. Talk about the right way to lose a soulmate!

Tinder 3

Message: We must have seen each other a million times in stony lol

Analysis: I got too comfortable too quickly in my messaging by saying Stony instead of Stony Brook University. I should have retained a respectful distance. A learning experience indeed.

Tinder 4

Message: That looks like a festive holiday! Lol

Analysis: But then again I’ve been wrong before.

Tinder 5

Message: Sounds like someone has a Halloween costume picked out!

Analysis: Never, ever assume anything about anyone especially something as personal and delicate as a potential Halloween costume. I cringe as I reread this exchange.

Tinder 6

Message: Bojack horseman and chill?

Analysis: I swear it has something to do with her bio. Please believe me.

Tinder 7

Message: Its always nice to find a free range and gmo free booty. Thanks for doing your part.

Analysis: Monsanto must have gotten to her. It’s the only reason she didn’t reply to this witty and hilarious first contact. Another romance ruined by an evil corporation. Where’s Bernie Sanders when you need him.

Tinder 8

Message: Lady di. Never forget!

Analysis: It’s never not inappropriate to honor the people’s princess. I will not apologize for my pithy memorial.

Tinder 9

Message: A dog and a birthday cake?? Tinder kryptonite I tell ya!

Analysis: Making a Superman reference post Batman vs. Superman: The Dawn of Justice is just a bad idea. Pick up the cinematic slack DC Universe, some of us are trying to get laid here!

Tinder 10

Message: Lets get all you can eat sushi!!

Analysis: Nothing says romance like eating sushi until your eyes roll to the back of your head and you pass out on top of 15 spicy tuna rolls. She was wise to decline the offer.

As always in the words of the latest Nobel Prize Laureute in Literature: there's no success like failure and failure's no success at all!