2016 will famously go down as the worst year in memory
since 2015 because being sad is fun, addicting, and contagious. But this was an
especially rough year on both macro and micro levels. Our idols died, our
country was taken over by the worst of the worst, and I still can’t get a
decent goddamn haircut. Horrors indeed. But to quote one of my favorite
Simpson’s episodes – we must move
forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling,
twirling towards freedom (well maybe not the last part anymore). So in that
spirit let’s see the potential positives for the next year:
Are You the One season 5 will premiere on January 11th
and the people look even hotter than ever! I for one am ready for another ten
weeks of nonstop fucking, fighting, crying, drinking, and more fucking. I’m so
excited that I have forgiven the producers for failing to cast me for the 4th
consecutive season. It’s a hurt that can only last for so long.
Another Star Wars movie and
this one looks like it’ll have a good chance of Luke Skywalker saying a line of
dialogue or two. That’s enough to have me start my theater camp out right now.
Being able to experience the
grandeur of the first unicorn since biblical times in the form of Kristaps
Porzingis. Long may he gallop!
As we continue the slow
painful process known as “aging”, we can all enjoy becoming that much more out
of the cultural zeitgeist and enjoy criticizing all the new and exciting shit
that seems scary and stupid because back when I was a younger lad…
Seeing how many times
websites like the Huffington Post will claim John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Trevor
Noah, Seth Meyers, or Stephen Colbert have DESTORYED or MURDERED IN CLOOD BLOOD
a particular issue. You know like the way they totally destroyed the Trump
campaign. Let the out-hyperbolizing begin.
Thanks to the efforts of
President Donald Trump the War on Christmas will be won and no longer will
Christians have to cower and hide during the month of December. At last a win
for the gentiles.
We will finally get to see
how strong our Constitution is when it comes into direct competition with our
first overtly fascist leader.
Appreciating that one movie
you see that isn’t a sequel, reboot, prequel, or involve superheroes.
Enjoying the paradox of
being both caught up and multiple seasons behind on all of your favorite shows.
Groucho Marx continuing to
be hilarious. Nothing can change that.
The possibility that we all
find our true loves while our enemies are smoted. It could happen! I know I say
this every year but this one seems like the year. Call it a hunch that has
never ever panned out.
Ahh 2017, it looks good
already.
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