Snow in the Winter?

People it tends to snow during the winter. Stop freaking out about a few inches of snow. It happens, especially when it’s cold out! We should know how to deal with this already. So why does it feel like every year I have to listen to a million frantic reporters standing in front of some snow plows and explain what is going to happen and how the city will prepare for another storm of the century. Spoiler alert – it’s going to be the same thing they did last year and the last year and all those other years sans the ONE snowstorm that Mayor Bloomberg decided wasn’t a big deal and then turned out to be the biggest deal. I blame that one fuck up for the reason we all freak out and go into nuclear holocaust mode the second the Doppler radar picks up anything resembling a winter wonderland. The Mayor will most likely close public schools for the day (prompting our new Education Secretary to ask how she could implement these closings permanently), snow plows will be deployed, businesses will run sort of normally, salt will be carelessly thrown around, and the subway will be awful because the MTA hasn’t figured out how to run them efficiently in weather that can’t be described as “San Diego” like. We’ve done this before people and I’m going to guess we’ll be doing this dance again – maybe in a few weeks. Gasp, what a trip this season can be with the freezing rain.

Perhaps all the freaking out over a foot of snow is preparation for the very near future when snowfall will be an uncommon phenomenon due to global warming and our present administration’s policy that it is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese. Then all these “breaking news” updates about snow will make sense. Ah, I can see it now. A young reporter stands in front of a rusted out snow plow dressed in a blazer because it’s the heaviest coat he’s ever needed. He soon dies of exposure and the network gets blamed for putting a rookie out there for the most physically taxing assignment in years. How could they! The Mayor of our fine city interrupts every broadcast and repeats on a loop how to sprinkle salt onto a frozen sidewalk. A nostalgic Buzzfeed article about how only 1990’s kids will remember real gloves will go super- duper viral. And of course the subway will be awful but nobody will be able to tell the difference between that and normal service.

The way people freak out about snow every year reminds me of how my body fails me every springtime during allergy season. My body should know that pollen really doesn’t pose a threat to me but for some reason every goddamn April to June my body decides it’s the biggest problem in the world and goes into maximum overdrive to protect my poor body. Slowly it realizes that it was wrong and gradually my face stops feeling like its on fire. Every year my body has had to deal with pollen and every year without failing it gets the response wrong. Just one year I’d like my immune system to be like oh wait it’s just pollen let’s not freak out, but that’ll never happen. Same thing with snow. Oh this happens every year, let’s deal with it like it’s a yearly occurrence rather than viewing it as the winter rapture. I like to think we as a society, or at least as New Yorkers, are better than this.