Observations from an Adult Dinner Party

Parties with actual food are amazing. Not just perfunctory nonsense but things I would like to go back to for a second and even third helping. The food took effort and naturally it taste delicious and it makes an excellent chaser for the red wine and vodka I’ve been mixing and chugging. Sure, I like a bag of cool ranch Doritos as much as the next guy, but it really can’t hold up to miniature steaks, caprese salad, and pasta puttanesca. Plus it gives me something to do when my mingling hits a snag. Oh don’t mind me, I’m just enjoying the party in my own way: by stuffing my face.

From our first middle school dance to our last retirement home shuffle, dance parties will always be the same. Women will take up the center going crazy and having the time of their lives while most of the guys (there is always a Travolta superstar in the mix) will awkwardly stand to the side clutching a drunk until being forced to join in and pretend like they are doing these lovely ladies a favor. Okay I’ll totally buy the fact that you’re not having a time a half. Whatever you say man. Is it sad or comforting that we never escape the same holding patterns from our preteen years? An existential question for the ages.

Nothing makes somebody at a party feel old than when you refer to their friend as your friend’s mom. Also it takes away their agency as a person. Here is an accomplished woman and yet I only know her as the woman who gave birth to a dear pal of mine. A male pal too. The loathing I felt, oye I would never wish on anyone else. Oye!

This one is exclusive to me, but I can talk about things before 1995 and not be seen as some sort of weirdo. Ah the pleasures of listening about 1970’s New York with artists and former hippies will never cease. Add in the occasional story of meeting Lou Reed and all is right.

Funk music with the occasional disco aside kills with all crowds. Everybody loves dancing to the hits of the 80’s. “Bad and Boujee” on the other hand is a song meant for a very specific generation.

If You Can't Handle Me at My Worst...

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”

When did this quote become a badge for people to wear around them like it’s some sort of universal truth? First of all there is no evidence off of my quick Google search that Marilyn Monroe ever uttered these words in that succession so let’s leave one of our cultural icons alone. She deserves better than to be associated with this ode to unfunny narcissism.

Let’s unpack this quote. If you can’t handle me at my worst than you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. Why is this person assuming that their best is so goddamn special that it outweighs all their negative qualities? Like what is so redeeming about this person that I’d be so willing to overlooking all their worst aspects. This imaginary person is setting a bar that they can’t ever live up to because they’ve already created a scenario where anything but a large payout in good qualities is a waste of time. Nobody wants to break even, we need some hefty returns on this investment and that means you need to have a best that is fucking golden. Nothing else will do for such boasts of narcissism. You’ve set the bar that high.

And another thing, do you think you could handle yourself at your worst let alone pawning it off on some poor, unsuspecting sucker? Take a deep dive into your psyche and confront your personal demons. I’m talking about the deepest darkest ones that keep you up at weird hours of the night endlessly pacing the floor while muttering and twitching. Think about what would happen if you were to give in to that side of your personality and just run with it. You’d probably hit some places and realizations that you wished you kept buried away. Sounds like a nightmare to the say the least, huh? Doesn’t sound much like a fun person or a good time Charlies, eh? So why would you want to pawn this monster off on some unsuspecting schumck? Exactly. It’s selfish is what it is and downright irresponsible to try and bring somebody down in the hole that you’re in by promising glimmers of personality sunshine. Terrible, just terrible you make me sick!

So in conclusion, just stop it. It’s so annoying. Nobody ever wants to see themselves at their worst let alone other people. I’m sure your best is great, but if you keep making people muck through the mud of your worst nobody is going to care or want to see it. Then that’ll really bring out your worst and boy, you better have a fantastic best to make up for that one.

3 Times When Lying is Acceptable

3 Times When Lying is Acceptable

When I asked you what you’ve been up to lately and your only answer is some combination of nothing and working. That’s a lame ass response that I don’t have time for and it makes you look bad. You really can’t think of one exciting or interesting anecdote to share in the time since we passed. I mean we live in New York City, you must have a horrific subway story or have witnessed a crazy person or at least have been on an exciting date or hook up. So if you can’t rack your brain for something, please start lying. You can even tell me it’s a lie, I won’t mind. It’ll at least be more interesting than hearing about that “world changing start-up” you keep grinding away at. But if straight up lying isn’t your style do what I tend to do and exaggerate or change some details to make your tale all the more exciting. The truth is good and all but sometimes a key exaggeration just takes the story to a whole new level. Like one time I hooked up with a circus clown and when I relay the story I like to say that she kept on her makeup and had a unicycle. Now parts of that story are true and others aren’t, but I think the combination of the muddled truths and obvious falsehoods create a rich tapestry that comes from the experience of hooking up with a former/current circus clown. So in short learn how to tell a story people. Our species has a strong oral tradition and I’ll be damned if it’s going to descend into a series of “nothing much, just working” conversations.

Writing in your online dating profile bio that you hate liars. Suuuuure you do. Who doesn’t just love the totally truthful among us? You know the type of person who dumped you by going through all your specific character flaws in a candid, honest, and mature way that brought you to one of the numerous dating apps that doesn’t have an “e” in their name. So go on be that person with the supremely unique pet peeve of hating liars (what I’ve never heard of such a person who hated being deceived) and I’ll pretend to believe that you’re into me for a reason other than my resemblance to John Lennon/Harry Potter. See lying helps us all!

When you don’t want to tell the truth. Can’t get more obvious than this people. Hey someone asked me a question and I don’t want to give the honest answer but I have to respond. How can I get out this one? Oh wait I know, I’ll just lie and make my life that much more manageable for the foreseeable present and let future me deal with the consequences. Problem solved. Again, easy stuff people