The Next Daily Show Host

Nobody has summed up the whole Jon Stewart leaving the Daily Show situation better than the man of the hour himself.  He has mocked the weird tributes and eulogies that propped up hours before and after his official announcement which seemed to position him as a man recently deceased (Derek Jeter said similar things during his own Viking funeral, remarking how he felt like he was at his own funeral after watching the tributes roll in).  Last night on the show, Jon Stewart did some good old fashioned Fox bashing with the twist of mocking their reaction to his tenure on the Daily Show.  Go out and watch it because there is nothing better than when Jon Stewart mocks those at Bullshit Mountain.  For the porpoises (I have a large dolphin readership and I’ve wanted to make that pun for a long while, a long, long while) of this essay/writing piece/ one way communique, I have decided to throw out a couple names for people who would host the hell out of the Daily Show franchise.  I’ve thought long and hard about it and here are my suggestions:

Sarah Silverman

Norm MacDonald

Take a minute and soak in those names.  Both are master comedians with a rapier wit and penchant for unpredictability and fearlessness.  Neither one caves to convention or the powers that be and would keep the Daily Show required viewing.  Sarah Silverman has become more overtly political over the years with her great PSA’s on abortion rights and telling your grandma to vote for Obama.  She would be a more than worthy successor and would break the boy’s club that is the late night comedy scene.  Plus, on a personal level, I would enjoy seeing a late night host on television that is Jewish (hard to believe but Stewart is the only Jewish late night host-obligatory joke about all the writers being Jewish) and brings that culture to the foreground.  It’s always nice to see some Jewish jokes done by somebody in the know.  Plus, a highlight for me each year is seeing Jon Stewart take down the phony War on Christmas with the insight of a Jewish outsider.  This always makes the Hannukah candles hanging from my Christmas Tree last that much longer.    Sarah Silverman is not afraid to be controversial and will gladly not kowtow to any talking points spewing guest and would thusly be a great interviewer.  I remember how she had a tiff with the Ted Talks guy (they asked her to do a speech and then got mad when she did in fact do her planned speech) and flat out owned him on social media and started a discussion about what is wrong with Ted Talks.  Sarah Silverman is a great comedian and I have loved her specials in the past and would be very excited to see her take over for Jon Stewart.

SNL 40 reawakened my love of Norm MacDonald.  The way he introduced Chevy Chase with nary a care in the world made me go back and watch his specials and old Weekend Update bits.  He is a master of the long pause and has a charmingly blasé attitude to whatever is occurring.  Watch his interview on Letterman after he was fired from Weekend Update to catch my drift.  The man has been fired from his job that very day and discusses it in a casual “eh what are you gonna do about” way.  He is a great talk show guest and good interviewer as well, so that part of the show will never be a problem.  He’ll always procure something interesting or strange out of a guest and is one of the wittiest guests ever (again pull up any interview with him on Conan O’Brien – especially the one where he’s talking about a Carrot Top movie).  Norm MacDonald has done political material, but the Daily Show doesn’t need to be overtly political.  I would expect the new host to change the format or focus a bit and mold it to their strengths.  Norm MacDonald would be an interesting host and can weave quite a great story (follow him on Twitter where he has crafted fascinating yarns about Bob Dylan and Eddie Murphy at SNL 40).  So I say Norm MacDonald for the Daily Show.  Or if he doesn’t get it, how about Frank Stallone.  

Very Accurate and Specific Oscar Predictions

Behold my Oscar predictions!  Below lies nothing but the finest and most accurate soon to be revelations on what will occur at the 2015 Oscar award ceremony.  So lean forward into the glowing light of your computer screen, destroy your posture and eyesight, and marvel at what will soon be absolute fact.  Enjoy!

Call me crazy but the women at the show will wear dresses and the men will wear tuxedos.  Also the winner of best manicure will be Clint Eastwood.  It won’t even be close.

Neil Patrick Harris will do a rap at some point and will garner so much acclaim for his hosting performance that he will achieve his lifelong goal of never having to host the Tony Awards again.

The show will start at exactly 8:30 eastern time.  The information button on the remote never lies.

You will change the channel at 9:30 only to turn back to the broadcast at around 11:30 and be shocked that it’s still on and that they haven’t even announced best actor yet.  Yeesh this show is long.

The Jews that control Hollywood will put out eight anti-American messages that only Rudy Giuliani and other “true Americans” will be able to spot.

There will be a really lame Kanye West joke told during the ceremony.  It will be dead on arrival and only provoke a modicum of pity laughter.  The pity laugher will be immediately ejected from the auditorium and given a job writing jokes for next year’s ceremony.

Fret not; there will be more than enough lotion to sustain the three and half circle jerk that is the Oscars.  Your concern is noted though and appreciated.   

Something stupid like a weird face or dumb looking clap or innocent mispronunciation will replace Kanye West as our new played out national punch line.

When Selma wins for best song, Hollywood will congratulate itself for putting the final nail in the coffin of racism.  Conservatives will counter by saying this win proves racism has been solved for quite a while.

A very famous actor will extol the virtues of original screenplays and smaller budgeted pictures before signing on to star in a reboot of a blockbuster superhero franchise later in the night.

The same critics and cultural writers that complain about the Oscars will be the very same ones that spend the next week writing the same tired and annoying thinkpieces that will clog up every website you used to enjoy/tolerate. 

Jennifer Lawrence will do something that we would have found endearing two years ago but now we view as fake and totally annoying.  Ew way to be a try hard.

People will applaud during the in-memoriam failing to realize that death is not a popularity contest.

I predict that these predictions will all come true.  Call it the perfect way to end a perfect set of perfect predictions.  Aren’t I just the living end?

SNL 40 Recap

What I liked on SNL 40

• I enjoyed the Steve Martin opening monologue mainly because Steve Martin is still one of the funniest people on the planet.  The man is effortlessly hilarious and his red carpet line had me in stiches.  The cavalcade of stars that followed was fun as well with Chris Rock scoring a great line about his lack of airtime (also I wish Billy Crystal had more to do during the proceedings).  The only thing missing from the trifecta of great returning hosts (Baldwin, Martin, and Hanks) was an appearance by Christopher Walken.  That was a missed opportunity and one of the show’s returning champions should have been given something more to do than introduce Kanye West.

• Martin Short came out and proved he is the ultimate showman.  It was totally fine that he didn’t do a character because his routine was hilarious and Maya Rudolph does the best Beyoncé.  The musical numbers were great but way to short (only one line from Opera Man?) but it was great to see Joe Pisicopo (Phil Hartman is still the better Sinatra) and Bill Murray stole the entire show with Nick the Lounge Singer.  The Jaws theme has never sounded better.

• I liked the idea of performing updated classic sketches (save the Californians) with a mix of old and new cast members.  That was a novel idea and Celebrity Jeopardy and Wayne’s World were still hilarious.  It’s interesting how these guys can write and perform a decades old sketch and still have it come out fresh and funny as if no time had passed at all.  My special kudos goes to Dan Aykroyd who did the Bassomatic 2150 with the same energy as he did in the 70’s.  That was a great and unexpected callback. 

• The Andy Samberg and Adam Sandler digital short was another highlight of the night because it seemed to be written for both the audience and the viewers at home (more on this later).  It had a self-awareness that was nice on such a bloated and self-congratulating night.  Well played gentlemen and take that Jimmy Fallon. 

• Louis CK gave the best clip introduction of the night by saying something a lot of us have pondered over the years.  Listen to Louis CK SNL!

• The auditions were fascinating and I wished they would put them out on DVD.  You could tell off that bat that John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Dana Carvey, and Phil Hartman would turn into SNL legends.  The failed auditions off Jim Carrey, Stephen Colbert, and Kevin Hart were equally fascinating.  What could have made Lorne Michaels say no to Jim Carrey?  I’d love to see the audition to know why.

• It was fun to see the selection of greatest hits clips, but they felt like the only part of the show that was way too short.  It would have been great if they focused some more time on a selection of classic bits than on let’s say extraneous and strained Robert DeNiro introductions and other musical performances.  That would have been cool and a better tribute to the show. 

• The SNL in memoriam segment hit harder than any Grammy, Oscar, or Emmy one combined.  Who wouldn’t want to see what such greats as John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, and Tom Davis would have done throughout the years.  At least they leave a plethora of great work.

• Jon Lovitz got some airtime in some hilarious reaction shots (but it would have been awesome if he played the pathological liar).  Tim Meadows had a great line of “why are you surprised” during the question and answer session and Ellen Cleghorne had some good remarks as well.  Plus Larry David is the ultimate off the cuff riffer (I want to believe it was a riff).  Him and Seinfeld are always…gold Jerry, pure gold Jerry!

• Weekend Update was a pleasant nostalgia trip with Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Jane Curtin (who had that great dig at Fox News and sadly the best joke on Weekend Update in months).  The twist of having Emma Stone, Melissa McCarthy, and Ed Norton do old characters was not bad.  It was another great self-aware moment because who among us hasn’t come in on a Monday trying to imitate a great SNL sketch, only to perform it in the most mangled adaptation ever.  I remember singing “Lazy Sunday” to anybody who would listen and then getting punched in the face repeatedly after refusing to “stop ruining the bit”.

• Norm McDonald’s charm has always been that he doesn’t give a fuck and his ultra-casual introduction of Chevy Chase was hilarious (and the added bonus of seeing Garrett Morris didn’t hurt).  Norm McDonald is one of the few cast members who seems like he can make any other cast member laugh at will.  Plus I did enjoy seeing Kevin Nealon do some Mr. Subliminal. 

What I didn’t like on SNL 40

• It was weird of them to omit Cecily Strong from the Weekend Update host montage.  She did it for a full season and wasn’t terrible.  If you’re going to show everybody and Colin Jost, why not include Cecily Strong who is in the cast right now!  Why make such a blunder?

• Eddie Murphy got the greatest introduction and a standing ovation and then said thank you and promptly left.  Did he not want to do anything?  Hell he could have told some jokes or at least introduced a compilation of clips about his era?  This was the biggest disappointment of the show.  Eddie Murphy is arguably the biggest star to come out of SNL and when he finally returns they give him nothing to do.  Simply terrible planning.  It always seems weird when people like Eddie Murphy or Martin Short show up because they represent the non-Lorne Michaels years that people very much enjoyed.  They are the bastard children that SNL hates to admit happened because it distracts from the Lorne Michaels is a genius narrative.  Still, it was nice to see Mr. Fuck You Man on the stage.  Maybe he’ll host soon.

• The biggest omissions to the night were Christopher Guest, Dennis Miller, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.  Dennis Miller was ranked as one of the best Update Hosts and was the first one of note since Jane Curtin.  You can’t talk about Weekend Update without mentioning Dennis Mille who, along with Jon Lovitz, saved the show from certain cancellation.  It would have been great to see him behind the desk with Dana Carvey and Tom Hanks doing their impressions babe.  A missed opportunity for sure.  As for Christopher Guest, you must invite the man who directed Synchronized Swimming (and where was Harry Shearer).  That absence is unforgivable I say!  Julia Louis-Dreyfus was the first female cast member to host the show and is one of their most successful and famous cast members.  Where was she?

• The Californians is the one sketch from the modern era they want to bring back?  It dragged on and on and on with pointless cameos (save Laraine Newman and Betty White) until it was mercifully brought to an end by David Spade.  Wish he got to do more than just a quick one minute bit.

• The audience for SNL was terrible and it was noticeably awful as some sketches and jokes and guest appearances didn’t get the laughs and applause they deserved.  An audience of Hollywood greats and insiders don’t get excited for random celebrity appearances because they deal with these people every day.  When a random guest steps on the stage during a normal taping of SNL the crowd loses their shit because they don’t normally see celebrities in their daily lives.  It changed the dynamic of the show because the cast had to perform to two distinct audiences; a cold insider one who attended to be seen and the normal viewers at home who watch the program every week.  The audience should have been filled out by some old cast members, crew and cast family members, and SNL super fans.  Have a contest and pick 50 or so SNL super fans to attend the taping.  Then the building would be brimming with excitement.  Hollywood insiders and A-list celebrities cannot match the excitement that would have been generated with an audience of super fans.

• Why invite Miley Cyrus on if you don’t want her to perform a Miley Cyrus song?  Why would she perform a Paul Simon song when Paul Simon is backstage?  It makes no sense.  Also enough with the Kanye jokes yeesh.  If anything it reminded us of the long held SNL tradition of running things into the ground.  The musical performances I thought were extraneous and the time could have been better spent on more clips and more Eddie Murphy.  Paul Simon makes sense because he’s been on the show a million times, but Miley Cyrus?  Not as much (even if she did do a fine job on her song).

• They should have had a moment where they brought the original cast (and Bill Murray) out to soak up a well-deserved standing ovation.  To see them on the stage together would have been great.  Hell they should have brought out all the different casts together and arranged them by era.  That would have been cool to see.

• The show was so long, so very long.  I can’t imagine what the 50^th anniversary will be like.

Feel free to comment with your favorite/least favorite moments below!

I'm Glad Beck Won and other Blasphemous Grammy Thoughts

Ah the Grammys, the award show we pretend has no meaning yet its outcomes never fail to make us irrationally mad.  This year the main controversy or travesty of the century came when Beck beat Beyoncé for album of the year causing many to cry out “Who is Beck” and others to become self-conscious about their age when shaking their head at such ignorance.  It’s been a rough month for the recent past on Twitter as Missy Elliott and Paul McCartney have also joined Beck on the “Who is” parade.  You can chalk this up to kids being kids, but it always confuses me as to why people ask these question rather than taking the natural step of googling said artistic question marks and listening to a few of their hits.  We live in an age where information is at an excess and could not be easier to obtain.  Instead of projecting your ignorance all over social media, why can’t people take a few minutes to educate themselves on the unknown?  Americans have a zeal for wantonly forgetting their past and believing that if they don’t immediately recognize what’s happening in front of them, it can’t be worthy of any attention.  Not knowing Beck is easily on the lower side of this cultural scale (but still unforgivable, the man wrote “Loser” and Sea Change) but it still exists on the scale.  It points to a lack of interest in the unknown and how people choose not to expand their own horizons.  It takes the same amount of time to tweet out who is Beck as it does to actually look up the artist in question and start learning about a great musician.  Those sorts of clueless tweets annoy me because it makes having a lack of knowledge seem cool or the right way to go about things.  Why would somebody brag to the world through social media about not knowing who an acclaimed artist is?  Why would somebody feel proud about projecting that around the world?  Again not know Beck is very low on the scale of cultural and historical ignorance but it still connects to how we shun knowledge and refuse to grow as intellects.  Americans not knowing their history has become a tired meme and unfortunately we keep reinforcing the old stereotype.  I just wish that people would take the time to educate themselves before proudly blasting their ignorance across the internet.

As for Kanye West, I agree with his larger point about the Grammys not recognizing talent (just look at their picks for best songs and albums for the 60’s and 70’s), but I didn’t like the way he attacked Beck for a lack of “artistry”.  Such a statement is baffling as it is well known that Beck writes all his own songs and plays a myriad of instruments.  The man can play all styles of music and can shift personas from goofy prankster to funk god to hurt singer-songwriter in the blink of an eye.  In regards to Beyoncé, can you really compare the two?  Beyoncé isn’t Beck and Beck isn’t Beyoncé (one can dance and sing really well and the other can write and perform a killer song); they do different things (shocking I know).  At this point it looks like Kanye West keeps defending Beyoncé because he has a massive crush on her or the only thing he fears in life is reprisal from the Beyhive/Illuminati if he insults the Queen of the modern pop scene.  In my humble opinion I thought Beck’s album was better than Beyoncé’s and currently have “Blue Moon” and “Heart is a Drum” on repeat.  Beyoncé has won over 20 Grammys so I’d say she’s doing a okay, Kanye.  If anything this Grammy was making up for the times Beck was snubbed in the past and that’s alright.  Beyoncé will get her album of the year in 5-10 years and then Twitter will blow up with blasphemy like “Who is Beyonce” and “Justice for ____”.  The cycle will never be unbroken.

The best part of the Grammys was not even televised and happened two days before the awards ceremony and it didn’t involve any music.  It was Bob Dylan’s speech when he accepted the Musicares award.  Look up the speech and read it because it is fascinating.  Dylan spent a half hour discussing everything from his critics to his heroes to his origins to his hatred of over singing.  Bob Dylan never ceases to amaze and the speech is being hailed as another great Dylan moment.  Long live the king.  Read the transcript it will knock you out loaded.

They need to have a 50:50 ratio of ballads to upbeat songs at these shows because last night sounded more like a funeral than a celebration of corporate music that nobody really likes (other than Beck who is great).  I want to see excitement at my awards shows that don’t involve an idiot attempting to crash the stage.  Prince can’t save every award show!  Take a page from the VMA’s and just go crazy.  There’s a reason why everybody enjoys that show and we all criticize the Grammys to high heaven.

Overall the Grammys don’t matter unless your favorite musician gets snubbed or wins.  If it’s option one then the show is fucking travesty and an outdated joke or a lame popularity contest amongst corporatist pigs.  If your favorite wins, well it’s about time those outdated assholes got one right.  It’s about fricking time.  

Super Bowl Wrap Up

New England is a lovely part of our great nation.  I for one cannot get enough of the rich history and richer seafood that this region contains.  If there is one thing I can’t stand about our Northeast corner, I’d have to go with the accents that have befallen those that live there.  The New England or Boston accent never ceases to make my ears bleed.  Why even now the mere thought of the word “wicked” followed by “retawded” do I feel a copious amount of blood ready to gush from my ears.  That is the one thing about that area I can’t stand.  But there are four other things that I fucking despise with all my heart about New England (more than those accent), and they are in descending order of hatred, the Red Sox, the Celtics, the Patriots, and the Bruins.  As a proud New Yorker I would like to say a hearty go fuck yourself to these teams.  The Red Sox for the obvious reason of being complete scumbags and for causing the traumatic moment that was 2004 and creating the element of doubt in my once stalwart Yankees.  Fuck the Celtics for always beating up on the Knicks (sans the playoffs where we are pretty even) and being the general opposite of the Knicks as a franchise.  I hate the Bruins because of the Boston that precedes them and the fact that they have given the Rangers a tough time (hockey people help me out here).  Last night’s Super Bowl featured the Patriots, a Boston team that even non New Yorkers despise, win a game because their opponents were not the New York Giants.  Had the Seahawks been the Giants, that final drive would have resulted in a touchdown and another soul crushing defeat for the one in the hooded sweatshirt (assuming he has a soul).  Instead the Patriots caught a break (this time not due to cheating) and escaped with the ultimate prize and a year full of gloating.  The only solace our nation will receive from this most evil of victories is that New England will probably be blinded by snow for the next few weeks so take that.  At this point it’s all we’ve got.

This year’s halftime show brought out the grandpas and grandmas in my generation.  Katy Perry put on a good show with Lenny Kravitz, but it was Missy Elliott who stole and owned the show.  She was great.  After the show I went online and was greeted by people my age tweeting high praises of the show mixed with the occasional grumbling.  The grumblings were not aimed at the show but rather at young people who didn’t know who Missy Elliott was.  Kids today am, I right?  This was the first “back in my day” moment for some people my age.  In a way they’ve finally hit a reliable mark of old age in complaining about how the younger generation is ignorant.  It was a true milestone and shows that we are well down that familiar generation path forged by the boomers and xers before us (you don’t know who Paul McCartney/Kurt Cobain is, etc).  We are on our path towards crotchetiness and it only took a quarter of a century.  Well played millennials, I guess we are special after all! 

I hate sentimental commercials because at the end of the day all commercials, no matter how sappy or sweet they are, all have the same purpose: to make you buy their stuff.  There is no higher purpose; it all boils down to gimme, gimme, gimme.  That being said, I’d rather watch a crappy sentimental commercial than a downright depressing and horrifying one.  Yep you guessed it; I’m talking about the dead boy commercial from Nationwide.  What the hell was that?  Who thought that putting out a commercial focused on a dead kid would be a winning one especially when it would be sandwiched between such downers like the one where the guy plays life sized Pacman and that other one about Doritos, the most perfect chip in the world.  That dead kid commercial was just awful and would have been the WTF moment of the game if not for that idiotic pass.  I guess add dead kids to the list of things (head trauma, domestic abuse, cheating) we associate with football.