Very Accurate and Specific Oscar Predictions

Behold my Oscar predictions!  Below lies nothing but the finest and most accurate soon to be revelations on what will occur at the 2015 Oscar award ceremony.  So lean forward into the glowing light of your computer screen, destroy your posture and eyesight, and marvel at what will soon be absolute fact.  Enjoy!

Call me crazy but the women at the show will wear dresses and the men will wear tuxedos.  Also the winner of best manicure will be Clint Eastwood.  It won’t even be close.

Neil Patrick Harris will do a rap at some point and will garner so much acclaim for his hosting performance that he will achieve his lifelong goal of never having to host the Tony Awards again.

The show will start at exactly 8:30 eastern time.  The information button on the remote never lies.

You will change the channel at 9:30 only to turn back to the broadcast at around 11:30 and be shocked that it’s still on and that they haven’t even announced best actor yet.  Yeesh this show is long.

The Jews that control Hollywood will put out eight anti-American messages that only Rudy Giuliani and other “true Americans” will be able to spot.

There will be a really lame Kanye West joke told during the ceremony.  It will be dead on arrival and only provoke a modicum of pity laughter.  The pity laugher will be immediately ejected from the auditorium and given a job writing jokes for next year’s ceremony.

Fret not; there will be more than enough lotion to sustain the three and half circle jerk that is the Oscars.  Your concern is noted though and appreciated.   

Something stupid like a weird face or dumb looking clap or innocent mispronunciation will replace Kanye West as our new played out national punch line.

When Selma wins for best song, Hollywood will congratulate itself for putting the final nail in the coffin of racism.  Conservatives will counter by saying this win proves racism has been solved for quite a while.

A very famous actor will extol the virtues of original screenplays and smaller budgeted pictures before signing on to star in a reboot of a blockbuster superhero franchise later in the night.

The same critics and cultural writers that complain about the Oscars will be the very same ones that spend the next week writing the same tired and annoying thinkpieces that will clog up every website you used to enjoy/tolerate. 

Jennifer Lawrence will do something that we would have found endearing two years ago but now we view as fake and totally annoying.  Ew way to be a try hard.

People will applaud during the in-memoriam failing to realize that death is not a popularity contest.

I predict that these predictions will all come true.  Call it the perfect way to end a perfect set of perfect predictions.  Aren’t I just the living end?