2016 Predictions

Here are some predictions for 2016: with one hopeful prediction, one realistic prediction, and one bold prediction.

US FOREIGN POLICY

Hopeful: The Iran deal sticks and we start to leave the countries we have invaded while successfully defeating Isis without sacrificing our ideals and principles.

Realistic: After we destroy Isis and the Middle East due to “selective carpet bombing” a new, even more extreme, terror group will rise up and we’ll be back where we started.

Bold: Anonymous Twitter shames ISIS into disbanding and repenting for all the evil they have done.

YANKEES

Hopeful: The Yankees win the 2016 World Series and set themselves up beautifully for a future dynasty.

Realistic: Fans forget all about the domestic abuse allegations surrounding Aroldis Chapman due to him being in the midst of a CY Young season.

Bold: Alex Rodriguez becomes the first active player elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

KNICKS

Hopeful: The Knicks play 500 ball and sneak into the 8^th seed in the East due to the tremendous play of Kristaps PorzyGOD and Carmelo Anthony.

Realistic: Knick fans become fluent in Latvian.

Bold: Nothing bizarre that would only happen to the Knicks happens for the rest of the season.

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Hopeful: President Obama takes off his moderate mask to reveal the hardcore socialist we all hoped he was!

Realistic:  President Obama gives another one of “this has to stop” and “we’re the only country that this happens in” speech.

Bold: President Obama finally gives in and confirms that he was indeed born in Kenya.

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS

Hopeful:  Bernie Sanders somehow wins the Democratic nomination and then goes on to take the Presidency.

Realistic: Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nomination and defeats Donald Trump to win the Presidency.

Bold:   Donald Trump wins the Presidency on the combined strength of the Hispanic and Muslim vote.

ENVIRONMENT

Hopeful:  We start to make tangible steps to fighting global warming after realizing that the average temperature in December should be lower than 72 degrees.

Realistic:  We begin writing eulogies for the cities that will be underwater because we’re doomed.

Bold:  Losing those cities will be worth it because their eulogies will be magnificent.

STAR WARS

Hopeful: I see the Force Awakens only two more times in the theater.

Realistic: I spend the next year agonizingly counting down the days till Episode 8 (512 days!).

Bold: I fully get over the death of SPOILER SPOILER Han Solo (not bloody likely).

WOMEN’S ISSUES

Hopeful:  Women are finally able to express an opinion without having the first hundred comments being death and rape threats.

Realistic:  When Hillary Clinton gets elected the phrase “sexism is over we have a female president” will somehow be taken as a valid statement.

Bold:  People cease to believe that the least realistic thing in a film about hyperspace, lightsabers, and an all-powerful binding force is the competent ass kicking female heroine.

RACISM

Hopeful:  A grand jury finally convicts a police officer for shooting an unarmed black man.

Realistic: The phrase “black on black violence” will still be a major talking point on Fox News.

Bold:  Students will write a Black History essay on a figure other than Martin Luther King Jr, Rosa Parks, or George Washington Carver.

BOB DYLAN

Hopeful:  Bob Dylan tours again and plays some crazy set lists with some crazy guests.

Realistic: Bob Dylan tours again and plays the same set list but with good voice.

Bold: Bob Dylan releases a Joan Baez cover album of Joan Baez playing Bob Dylan songs. The universe collapses.

MOVIES

Hopeful: I will attend a movie where I don’t see the blinding light from a motherfucking cellphone for the entirety of a 2 hour film. What the fuck people?

Realistic: I finally go to one of those theaters with lazy-boys. And I’ll still see people on their motherfucking cellphones! Put it away for a minute people, seriously what the fuck!

Bold:  12% of all Hollywood films will pass the Bechdel Test – a record high!

TV

Hopeful: All the shows I enjoy watching come back strong.

Realistic:  1500 new shows come out and all of them are acclaimed complex dramedies with likable anti-heroes and redefine the way we think about television.

Bold:  Arrested Development movie/season 5 comes out.  C’mon!

MUSIC

Hopeful:  I will learn how to play a decent harmonica and cease lying about my harmonica skills.

Realistic:  People will forget that Drake was once a musician before he became a full time meme.

Bold:  I win the Grammy for my dramatic readings of my blogs (it could happen).

THE FATE OF THE AUTHOR

Hopeful:  I do the things that I want to do (in the order I would like to do them in).

Realistic: Finally get hired to be the spokesman for Tinder.

Bold:  My application for Are You the One? gets approved.   

Star Wars The Force Awakens Review

Star Wars Review – needless to say heavy SPOILERS

The Force Awakens was simply fantastic and one of the few movies that lives up to the hype. I could never have imagined after Revenge of the Sith to be sitting down to watch a new Star Wars film and the moment is indeed surreal. Watching the familiar “a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away” was overwhelming and had me welling up. It hit me during the crawl that this was actually happening, that something that has shaped me so much was coming back again. I was seeing the further adventures of Luke, Leia, and Han Solo (amongst some newcomers). My only complaint was that I wish Lando was there to join them. I want to see the smoothest man in the galaxy return wearing the hell out of a blue and gold cape.

The new characters were great and surprisingly funny. It’s been a long while since a Star Wars film was funny on purpose. Even Kylo Ren had some good humor moments (his impotent rage slashing scenes in particular). My kudos to JJ Abrams for finding Daisy Ridley and John Boyega because they were incredible in their roles. Rey was kickass at everything and her closing fight with Kylo Ren is one of the best lightsaber fights I’ve seen, even though I was a little surprised at how good she was concerning she had little to no jedi training (I bet she’s Luke’s daughter and was beginning her training when Kylo wreck the place). I’ll buy it that Kylo was physically and emotionally drained, but he could have taken out Finn a little quicker. Still, the fight was so primal and raw, especially the end when Kylo is swinging wildly at Rey when he knows he’s lost. As for Finn, he too had great lines and fantastic chemistry with every character. He and Poe’s instant comaraderie was more believable than Anakin and Obi Wan’s supposedly long years of friendship.  Here’s hoping he awakes from that coma and gets a major fight scene with Captain Phasma.

Despite the great roles for the new kids, Han Solo stole the show. He got the biggest applause when he entered the film and fit right back into the swing of things. Harrison Ford, for all his misgivings about the character, really gave the best performance of the film. He wasn’t just playing Han Solo, he was Han Solo. His death scene was my favorite part of the movie. Once he and Chewie split up and he saw Kylo Ren on the bridge you knew something bad was going to happen. Watching Solo confront his son and lose him to the dark side of the force is up there with “I am your father” for most emotional moments in the saga. Even though I knew it was probably going to happen and thought it made totally sense within the narrative, nothing can prepare you for the moment when Han Solo, the coolest cat in the galaxy, gets betrayed and killed by his son. The look of sadness, betrayal, and almost forgiveness when he touches Ben’s face and falls into the pit was the closest I’ve come to crying in a movie since the opening credits…well this film. For the rest of his life, Adam Driver is going to be known to generations of children as the man who killed Han Solo.

Chewbacca was amazing in this film. He had some hilarious moments (shrugging with the general comment and recounting his injuries to the nurse), but his stand out moment is in the aftermath of Han’s death. Like the total badass he is, he immediately hits Kylo Ren right in the side with his bowcaster after letting out the most emotional roar I’ve ever heard. I kept thinking about how Chewie must have felt in that moment. He watched his best friend of over 40 years die by the lightsaber of his son, a man Chewie probably had a part in raising. To watch Chewie shoot Ren was as cathartic a moment as you could hope for after watching everyone’s favorite smuggler die.

Adam Driver has cemented his place as one of my favorite actors around. es sold the unpolished and conflicted nature of Kylo Ren so well and held his own against Harrison Ford in the bridge scene. The reveal with his face could have been silly because it’s the guy from Girls playing a Sith apprentice but if there’s one thing I should have remembered, it’s that Adam Driver plays intense really well. Watching Kylo Ren develop as a Dark Jedi will be a highlight moving forward and I can’t wait to see him duel Rey again or maybe face off against Luke Skywalker.

I was initially disappointed with Luke having no lines, but then he sold the hell out of that last minute reveal to Rey providing for a last overwhelming emotional moment. It’s better to have Luke stay in the background for this film because you would cease to really care about the other characters (as co-writer Michael Arndt said). You would want to see full on Jedi Master Luke Skywalker kick some ass. Here’s hoping he does so in Episode 8.

I was surprised Princess Leia (she’ll always be Princess Leia to me) had such a small role. I thought she’d do a bit more other than simply man the command station, but she was great in her part. Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford will always have the most free-flowing and fun chemistry in the galaxy. I loved how they played up her force sensitivity when she could feel Han Solo’s death.  A great nod to Obi Wan sensing the destruction of Alderaan. My only complaint is that I wanted to see her have a moment with Chewbacca after the death of Han.

This was the best use of C3P0 in a while. His introduction to Han Solo was actually funny. I didn’t get why R2 was in low power mode because I would have enjoyed seeing some classic droid bickering, but oh well. Minor quibble. BB-8 putting up a flamethrower thumbs up: a meme waiting to happen.

I was disappointed with Captain Phasma as all she did was walk around and get jumped by Chewie. So much for her being this amazing Stormtrooper and central piece of marketing. Even Boba Fett got to shoot a blaster before being idolized. Same goes for Max Von Sydow’s character of Lor San Tekka. It would have been nice to see him do something other than get killed by Kylo Ren within a second of saying bye to Poe.

Lord Snoke is an interesting character but not an intimating one at all. Han and Leia know who he is and the film makes it clear that he was manipulating Ben for a while, so I’d be curious to see who he was in relation to everyone else. I bet that Luke gave him his nasty scar. I hear a rumord that he is Darth Plagueis the Wise (the Emperor’s former master), but that seems like a little too inside baseball to happen (like the rumor that Kylo Ren was Darth Revan).

A great thing about this film was that I left leaving with more questions than answers. I am nothing but psyched for Episode 8 and excited to see what Rian Johnson brings to the film (May 26^th 2017 can’t come soon enough). JJ Abrams hit the beats of A New Hope and it seems like Rian Johnson is the perfect choice for what should be a darker sequel chapter.

I’ve read people complain that The Force Awakens is too similar to A New Hope, and I’d agree, but it doesn’t really bother me because Star Wars is always repeating itself. In each first installment of each trilogy the same beats are hit. An orphan/poor child with special powers leaves a desolate planet (while being an excellent pilot) and gets swept up in the middle of a great adventure. A mentor dies and a big imposing ship/space station/weaponized planet gets destroyed. The first chapter of any Star Wars trilogy is taking your first steps into a larger universe as Obi Wan once said. So I’m cool with the repetition. After the disappointments of the prequel trilogy it was smart to go safe in this one. Hopefully, Episode 8 will go into new and crazy Star Wars places.

In conclusion, I will be seeing this movie a million more times in the theater (I will go with anyone who asks) and will continue to shed many a tear when watching Han Solo approach his son on the bridge.

Reasons to Vote Republican

Vote for...

Donald Trump: If you want to live in the prequel story to V for Vendetta.

Ted Cruz: If you want this to be in the National Portrait Gallery:

Marco Rubio: If you thought Mitt Romney’s biggest failing was that he came off as “too human”.

Rand Paul: If you want to spend 4-8 years trying to see if his foreign policy can make you forgot about his domestic policy.

Ben Carson: If when you saw former President George W. Bush struggle with basic facts and known truths thought “I’d like to see someone like that in the White House again”.

Carly Fiorina: If you were curious to see how a failure from the private sector will fail in the public sector.

Chris Christie: If you always wanted to see what would happen if Jon Stewart’s New Jersey guy impression was tasked with leading our great nation.

Jeb Bush: If you are the person who thinks the third installment of a franchise is always the best one.

Jon Kasich: If you always wanted to see Frank Grimes (or Grimy as he preferred to be called) lead our country.

Mike Huckabee: If you have ever uttered “the south shall rise again”.

Lindsey Graham: If you fancy a mint julep at all hours of the day.

Rick Santorum: If you believe that America could stand to be a little more Christian.

George Pataki: If you want to be that guy.

Hannukah Humbug!

Why is it when I tell people Happy Hannukah during one of the seven days (eight nights) of Hannukah I get nothing but smirks and people chuckling whereas if I were to say Merry Christmas during the same time period I would receive a sincere Merry Christmas back even though it’s not applicable? It’s maddening! What makes Hannukah so funny as compared to the sacred day of Christmas? Is it the oil thing because if it is I will concede that point as it is pretty lame. Keeping a temple lit for eight days is something that one would expect out of a street magician who wears a lot of metal chains and black eyeliner not the basis of a holiday that has to compete with the juggernaut that is Christmas.

Those orthodox trucks that play music and say Happy Hannukah are not helping the cause. If anything seeing them turns me into an anti-Semite. You’re not supposed to advertise your Judaism, it needs to come out naturally like giving a subpar tip. Plus the Orthodox should not be the face of the Jewish people. Then were just asking for it.

Christmas in its purest form is a birthday party for Jesus Christ. Now when it’s somebody’s birthday do you go around wishing them a Happy Birthday three weeks before the actual birthday occurs? No, you do it that week (if you’re not going to see them on their birthday) or ideally on their birthday. So why then for the birthday of someone’s who’s been dead for 2,000 years do we insist on essentially saying “Happy Birthday” for the whole month of December? It’s not like he’s going to hear it. The only time in my grinchy Jewish mind for it to be okay to say Merry Christmas is on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Every other day say Happy Holidays because not everybody in the world celebrates the birth of a carpenter who somehow worked his way up to son of god (must have been a really bad carpenter).

So for this holiday post I leave you with the words of my grandma (I’m paraphrasing): “We killed Christ and if he ever comes back we’ll kill him again!” Happy Hannukah!

Chance Encounters

Why is a random or chance encounter more romantic than a planned or set up meeting? Is it due to the fact that we plan everything to the tee and know exactly where everybody is at all times? I’m not one to disparage dating/casual meeting apps, but even their power of the mutual opt in blind date cannot compare to the sheer madness of meeting a visage at 4 in the morning with absolutely no planning. Everything right has to happen. The time, space, and attitude must all be correct or else life goes on as planned. The chance encounter can be nothing more than a conversation, a wink, a smile, a kiss, or a brush of the arm but it still holds a power that cannot (for my words) be matched. When the random meeting happens, and is positive, it sets the mind and heart a flutter like nothing else. Do we (mainly me) put too much into the beauty of the doomed or failed encounter? I know I’ll never see these people again 99% of the time (the one time it did work, oh man was it a time and a half but then like all fables the clock struck 12 and that was it) but perhaps that’s the appeal. Our culture’s most famous love story is that of Romeo and Juliet. If that hasn’t set generations of lovers up for perpetual fail with its story of perfect love gone oh so wrong I don’t know what else could.

It may hit a nerve (the random encounter) because it fulfills the old question “do I dare disturb the universe”. Such a meeting (especially in these times of hyper connectivity) are not supposed to happen. You’re supposed to drift from point a to point b and not stray from the path. That’s a fine strategy because some paths are that good, but a detour, no matter how quick or ultimately meaningless, is always too powerful to resist. Different doesn’t always mean better but what if it did in this case? What if randomness became a positive and better than the path laid out? That would be a disturbing the universe moment indeed. Such is the magic of the random encounter. It disturbs the universe even if it is for a minute or two. Sometimes things need to be shaken up.

In conclusion, there is no greater thrill than finding a simpatico partner where you weren’t looking (or trying to look for one).

In further conclusion, I need to go to stop staying up so late.