Here are some predictions for 2016: with one hopeful prediction,
one realistic prediction, and one bold prediction.
US FOREIGN POLICY
Hopeful: The Iran deal sticks and we start to leave the
countries we have invaded while successfully defeating Isis without sacrificing
our ideals and principles.
Realistic: After we destroy Isis and the Middle East due to
“selective carpet bombing” a new, even more extreme, terror group will rise up
and we’ll be back where we started.
Bold: Anonymous Twitter shames ISIS into disbanding and
repenting for all the evil they have done.
YANKEES
Hopeful: The Yankees win the 2016 World Series and set
themselves up beautifully for a future dynasty.
Realistic: Fans forget all about the domestic abuse allegations
surrounding Aroldis Chapman due to him being in the midst of a CY Young season.
Bold: Alex Rodriguez becomes the first active player elected to
the Baseball Hall of Fame.
KNICKS
Hopeful: The Knicks play 500 ball and sneak into the 8th
seed in the East due to the tremendous play of Kristaps PorzyGOD and Carmelo
Anthony.
Realistic: Knick fans become fluent in Latvian.
Bold: Nothing bizarre that would only happen to the Knicks happens for the rest of the
season.
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Hopeful: President Obama takes off his moderate mask to reveal
the hardcore socialist we all hoped he was!
Realistic: President Obama gives another one of “this has
to stop” and “we’re the only country that this happens in” speech.
Bold: President Obama finally gives in and confirms that he was indeed born in Kenya.
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS
Hopeful: Bernie Sanders somehow wins the Democratic
nomination and then goes on to take the Presidency.
Realistic: Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nomination and
defeats Donald Trump to win the Presidency.
Bold: Donald Trump wins the Presidency on the
combined strength of the Hispanic and Muslim vote.
ENVIRONMENT
Hopeful: We start to make tangible steps to fighting
global warming after realizing that the average temperature in December should
be lower than 72 degrees.
Realistic: We begin writing eulogies for the cities that
will be underwater because we’re doomed.
Bold: Losing those cities will be worth it because their
eulogies will be magnificent.
STAR WARS
Hopeful: I see the Force Awakens only two more times in the
theater.
Realistic: I spend the next year agonizingly counting down the
days till Episode 8 (512 days!).
Bold: I fully get over the death of SPOILER SPOILER Han Solo
(not bloody likely).
WOMEN’S ISSUES
Hopeful: Women are finally able to express an opinion
without having the first hundred comments being death and rape threats.
Realistic: When Hillary Clinton gets elected the phrase
“sexism is over we have a female president” will somehow be taken as a valid
statement.
Bold: People cease to believe that the least realistic
thing in a film about hyperspace, lightsabers, and an all-powerful binding
force is the competent ass kicking female heroine.
RACISM
Hopeful: A grand jury finally convicts a police officer
for shooting an unarmed black man.
Realistic: The phrase “black on black violence” will still
be a major talking point on Fox News.
Bold: Students will write a Black History essay on a figure
other than Martin Luther King Jr, Rosa Parks, or George Washington Carver.
BOB DYLAN
Hopeful: Bob Dylan tours again and plays some crazy set
lists with some crazy guests.
Realistic: Bob Dylan tours again and plays the same set list but
with good voice.
Bold: Bob Dylan releases a Joan Baez cover album of Joan Baez
playing Bob Dylan songs. The universe collapses.
MOVIES
Hopeful: I will attend a movie where I don’t see the blinding
light from a motherfucking cellphone for the entirety of a 2 hour film. What
the fuck people?
Realistic: I finally go to one of those theaters with
lazy-boys. And I’ll still see people on their motherfucking cellphones! Put it
away for a minute people, seriously what the fuck!
Bold: 12% of all Hollywood films will pass the Bechdel
Test – a record high!
TV
Hopeful: All the shows I enjoy watching come back strong.
Realistic: 1500 new shows come out and all of them are
acclaimed complex dramedies with likable anti-heroes and redefine the way we
think about television.
Bold: Arrested Development movie/season 5 comes out.
C’mon!
MUSIC
Hopeful: I will learn how to play a decent harmonica and
cease lying about my harmonica skills.
Realistic: People will forget that Drake was once a
musician before he became a full time meme.
Bold: I win the Grammy for my dramatic readings of my
blogs (it could happen).
THE FATE OF THE AUTHOR
Hopeful: I do the things that I want to do (in the order I
would like to do them in).
Realistic: Finally get hired to be the spokesman for
Tinder.
Bold: My application for Are You the One? gets approved.
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