Successful Tinder Tips for Success (on Tinder)

In many circles (and the occasional triangle), I am known as a TINDER GOD and am under constant siege for advice on successfully navigating the app. So I’ve decided to lay out some tips for successful tindering which I have named: successful Tinder tips for success (on Tinder). Read and enjoy!

Don’t have your first message be something sexist or disgusting like “you’re hot, sit on my face”. Show some restraint and send it after her third reply. She’ll feel grateful that you were able to restrain your inner misogynist for an agonizing five minutes.

Don’t have your first message be anywhere in the realm of hey or hi and then complain that nobody replies to your messages. Set yourself above the pack with the ever winning first message of “hey hello”.

Don’t be offended if somebody doesn’t message you after matching.  Most people don’t end up with their soulmates and that person who didn’t reply to your clever “hey what’s up” was definitely the one. Why should you be any different from the rest of us? Huh? Huh? Yeah, I thought so.

If you are a men’s rights activist make sure you make that well known in either your bio or first message. It’ll make it much easier for people to avoid wasting their time with yet another asshole.

Make sure you always screenshot the profiles of people you know and also make sure to super like them. It’s a nice pick me up to know that your friends aren’t doing that much better than you are.

Take some time and check out the over 35 crowd while remembering it’s never too late to accept an application to become a sugar baby.

If your goal isn’t to end up on a worst of Tinder blog, I’m sorry to be blunt but it’s time to reexamine your priorities buster.

Due to the stigma of meeting people online you may be faced with the tongue in cheek question of “you’re not a serial killer right?” The best way to answer this question is to not give an answer and wait ten minutes before you un-match with said person. That’ll show them for assuming you’re some sort of weirdo.

Don’t write in your bio about dead relatives or friends. I’ve seen this and it’s just weird. Remember this is a casual dating/sex app not a Shiva call. Sorrow and pity should come after you guys meet in person, not before.

Don’t say Netflix and chill. The phrase is lame and already outdated. Instead use my old standby, “wanna illegally online stream and chill”. Your date will appreciate your frugal and resourceful nature.

Take these successful Tinder tips for success (on Tinder) and swipe into the wild my children. Go! I command of thee to go forth and swipe your heart out!