Play by Play: All You Can Eat Sushi Buffet

Play by play of an all you can eat sushi experience.

10:30 PM Day before: Walking around aimlessly when I start to feel hungry. Very hungry. Then a perverse thought occurs. Should I go to that new all you can eat sushi buffet close to me called Ragu? Is it as delicious as the sauce? Will it be a pathetic and soul crushing experience to gorge alone? The answer: most definitely yes.

10:35: I text a platonic friend and she’s down for a platonic all you can eat sushi buffet date in the most platonic sense possible. I joke that we should not eat anything until we meet up at three for the buffet. She laughs. I scold her. Prep time is the most essential part of the buffet experience. I cannot overstate this enough.

Night to morning (but let’s say like one in the afternoon): I have a night filled with strange erotic dreams confirming that Japanese food was a good choice. Note to self (based on my dream): don’t order anything with tentacles or from a vending machine.

2:13: My platonic friend says she’s taking a very platonic walk over to my house and then we’ll head to the buffet. I say great and begin my third vomiting purge of the day. This one is special though as it’s not for the buffet, but for me. I mean how else do I keep this lean mean figure? Jealous much? I thought so.

3:07: She has platonically arrived. We take a stroll over and realize that Ragu isn’t open till 4. I also learn that the place is not called Ragu but something else. Something not amusing so it will remain as Ragu for the purposes of this diary. I have principles.

3:07-3:50: We kill time by sitting around Madison Square Park observing a large number of three wheeled scooters. What a time to be alive. My friend is going on about needing a listening ear or something but I have checked out. My mind is on the meal. The glorious meal that will ruin me for the rest of the day and into tomorrow. Needless to say I’m excited.

4:04: We have arrived. The place is empty which is either nice or a warning that I’m about to embark on a wild food poisoning adventure. But then again adventure is my middle name (on a freemium cell-phone game. Or rather the “a” initial is. They don’g allow full middle names for characters).

4:08: We have ordered and the waiting begins. My friend goes to the bathroom and right on cue the appetizers arrive in the form of kani salad, edamame, seaweed salad, and various chicken dishes. Naturally the question arises of do I dig in or wait for her return? I notice that I’m already four edamame deep, so I do the honorable thing and start on my fifth one because this is a buffet. Manners and dignity went out the door when we entered.

4:15: The sashimi is here and it is lovely. Picture perfect. I attempt to take a quirky snapchat video but I mess up and only take a decent picture of the raw fish. I excuse myself to the bathroom for a quick cry and when I return the piece de resistance has landed; the master tray of all you can eat maki rolls. My eyes water. Is this what food heaven is like? The answer no: heaven is not real. My atheism returns and I’m able to dig in.

4:28: A non-platonic pair of people also known as a romantic boyfriend girlfriend duo have just arrived and are seated to the far left of us. As me and my friend scarf down our food we hear loud smacking noises. Lo and behold these people are going at it tongue over heels in a very graphic display of PDA. If anything, it nearly distracts me and my friend from our platonic mutual masturbation. But we’re not the type to get easily distracted. No sir. Not at all.

4:47: The hunger has been replaced with the stuffed. We’ve eaten everything but the last piece of chicken teriyaki which is doused in something closer to a paste than a sauce. My friend orders more as she is a champ. I gamely eat three more pieces of sashimi before my eyes roll to the back of my skull.

5:03: The feasting is over. The bill has come and playing the role (more like spicy tuna roll – am I right people) of the perfect gentleman I offer to pay the tip. My ploy falls flat and I end up paying half while marking down the exact time and date that chivalry in America died.

5:05: We leave the restaurant and part ways…forever know that our friendship has hit its logical peak. Everything would only be a steep downhill descent from here. I return to my house and enter the bathroom make peace with my new surroundings for the next hour or so. It was a glorious meal. In three weeks I will be ready to taste food again. It was worth it. 

More Unrequited Tinder Love!

After mindlessly swiping right, until of course you hit the dreaded 12 hour timeout, you’ve finally matched with the lucky profile who’s destined to become your future spouse. You send a message and bam, no response. You’ve been rejected proving love is dead and meaningless. Before you start looking for the best broken hearts tumblr page, you check the blinking light on your phone to see you’ve procured another match! You send another message and, after an obnoxiously lengthy dramatic pause, no response. Nothing causes more momentary anguish than unrequited Tinder love. Since I am known in many circles as a “Tinder God” (for the record these circles consist solely of me), I will share my “hilarious” failures on that app everyone still pretends not to be on. Enjoy the second segment of unrequited Tinder love.

Tinder 1

Message: Who is she? Is she some sort of aquatic creature guessing from that emoji?

Analysis: I didn’t use my old standby of two question marks thus she couldn’t see the urgency in my questions. I shall never make that mistake again.

Tinder 2

Message: Tourista!! Whats your favorite part of nyc?

Analysis: Somethings are never meant to be shared on Tinder. She was right to not respond.

Tinder 3

Message 1: Hi! Nice rooster mug. I see you enjoy the signs of the Chinese zodiac as well

One Day Later: Ahh I guess your more of an astrology person then.

Analysis: Or maybe sometimes a rooster is just a rooster. Take that Freud!

Tinder 4

Message 1: How is Ted Cruz beautiful?? Riddle me that Batman!

One Month Later: The riddler wins again!

Analysis: There is only one person who can tangle with the Riddler and win that is Batman. Since she didn’t respond I can only assume she isn’t Batman and understood she could never match wits with the Riddler. Good call on her end.

Tinder 5

Message: Can I be the George Michael to your Maeby?

One Day Later: Or perhaps the STEVE HOLT to your Maeby?

Analysis:

Tinder 6

Message: Netflix account? I’m sold. Also fuck saying hey. How bout: hello.

Analysis: Or how about neither! I’ll stick to illegally downloading things by writing watch x free online like a normal person!

Tinder 7

Message: A new ceo?? Are you now a part of the 1%? Whats it like form on yonder??

Analysis: Apparently the view is great!

I guess Bob Dylan was right when he sang there’s no success like failure and failure’s not success at all!

Ted Cruz the Anti-Semite and other thoughts

Ted Cruz is an anti-Semitic piece of shit and I loathe that smug piece of shit almost as much as Ben Carson hates opening his eyes at anything more than a squint. Watching Ted Cruz get rightly called out for his dog whistle New York values comments has been the very definition of satisfying. His whole demonization of liberal aka Jewish values is so played out and tired. If anything the rest of this nation is starting to acquire those New York and San Francisco values. Gay marriage is legal throughout the land and even the regressive states that are trying to roll back protections are being met with universal scorn. Hell, even the governors of these states are vetoing such homophobic legislation. It’s strange to think that as recent as the 2004 election 62% of the country opposed the basic human right of letting same-sex couples join the marriage party. Looks like despite Ted Cruz’s efforts the country is moving towards the New York values he so pathetically despises.

When Ted Cruz attempted to clarify his New York values comments he said that everybody knows that people in New York are socially liberal and obsessed with money and the media. Hmm, what group of people, mainly living in New York are usually stereotyped as obsessed with money and have a control of the media? I would have had a modicum of respect for the honorable fuck from Texas had he just come out and said “I was trying to appeal to people’s hatred of left wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers”, but I severely doubt he’s seen Annie Hall. This whole divide and conquer strategy has been a Republican stand by for years. Nixon had the silent majority, Bush senior used Willie Horton, and in the present we see it with Donald Trump saying we need to make America great again. White Christian male rage is one of the most dangerous things in this country and we see it in explicitly in the vile pseudo-KKK rallies of the Trump campaign and implicitly like in the New York values line from Ted Cruz. Vote for Donald Trump if you like your racists out and about and proud of it! Or conversely, choose Ted Cruz if you prefer the coded racism that’s been prevalent for the past 50 years in politics.

So the only options out there are voting for either Bernie or Hillary and I’m personally in the Sanders camp, but will willingly and happily vote for Secretary Clinton if she gets the nomination because she is a million times better than any of those Republican assholes. This whole Bernie or Bust mentality is pretty dumb and harmful and shows how the left can suck. Hillary Clinton is no Bernie Sanders, but then again who is? Bernie Sanders was the most liberal member in Congress, while Hillary was ranked at number eleven. I’d rather have the 11^th most liberal member of Congress in the White House than a guy with a 97% “liberty score” from conservative review or a guy who has no concrete political positions. If we can’t get the golden unicorn that is Bernie Sanders elected, getting a progressive in the vein of Barack Obama is not a bad consolation prize at all. That’s how politics works, you go with the best option available and you don’t sit out and pout because your favorite politician lost. That kind of nonsense leads to low voter turnout which always helps the Republican Party. Only in this election season could Hillary not be seen as a liberal. It will be at least better than having the anti-Semitic demagogue or the racist demagogue elected to office. But if you truly believe that there is no real difference between Clinton and those Republicans than sit this one out. We don’t need another uninformed voter. 

2016 Yankees Outlook

Last season the Yankees finished 87-75 and advanced to the AL Wild Card game. I had the privilege of attending said game, which despite an actually jazzed up Yankee Stadium, ended up being the worst game I’ve ever seen in person. Watching the fucking Houston Astros celebrate on hallowed ground was depressing to say the least. But it’s 2016 and a new Yankee season is upon us despite having to start the season against the same upstarts who kicked our asses last year. So let’s prep for another season of Evil Empire/Yankees baseball with my handy guide to the team.

Masahiro Tanaka will continue to lead the league in the area of best warm up song: 

After years of flirting with the idea, Mark Teixeira will finally let the Blue Fairy turn him into a real boy.

Johnny Barbato will live up to his namesake and become the drummer for the outdoor pool Reggae band on a Carnival Cruise.

Chase Headley will decide that maybe greasing his palms with olive oil before he throws the ball to first base isn’t the best move.

Jacoby Ellsbury will continue to play like an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a 153 million dollar contract.

Joe Girardi look mildly annoyed to slightly agitated all season despite what’s happening on the field.

The double play combo of Starlin Castro and Didi Gregorius will be referred to as Darlin Starlin and Fantorius Gregorius. Believe me, it’ll catch on.

Anytime Paul O’Neill brings up his support of Donald Trump in the booth, the other announcers will be given the opportunity to punch him in the face.

Alex Rodriguez will finally live out his dream of just being “one of the guys”. He’ll hate it.

Aroldis Chapman will have a good season with the Yankees, but no one will feel quite good cheering for him. Unless of course he wins in the playoffs then ALL IS FORGIVEN per the rulebook of being a fan.

To prevent another late season collapse, Brett Gardner will only give 105% for the first half rather than his normal 110%. It’ll make all the difference.

Dellin Betances, Andrew Miller, and Aroldis Chapman will combine into a three headed three inning dominate relief pitcher. This will piss off Goose Gossage for breaking yet another unwritten rule.

Randy Levine and Len Tross will be the only people to enjoy Yankee Stadium being half empty because it will mean they have succeeded in their goal of keeping middle and lower class fans out of their one percenter paradise.

Every major sports publication’s predictions about the Yankees will be both wildly inaccurate and right on the nose. This paradox will cause a tear in the baseball universe allowing the Cubs to capture their first World Series since 1908.

My dream World Series matchup is for the Yankees to face the Cubs and just utterly destroy them in a four game sweep. That would be hilarious.