More Unrequited Tinder Love!

After mindlessly swiping right, until of course you hit the dreaded 12 hour timeout, you’ve finally matched with the lucky profile who’s destined to become your future spouse. You send a message and bam, no response. You’ve been rejected proving love is dead and meaningless. Before you start looking for the best broken hearts tumblr page, you check the blinking light on your phone to see you’ve procured another match! You send another message and, after an obnoxiously lengthy dramatic pause, no response. Nothing causes more momentary anguish than unrequited Tinder love. Since I am known in many circles as a “Tinder God” (for the record these circles consist solely of me), I will share my “hilarious” failures on that app everyone still pretends not to be on. Enjoy the second segment of unrequited Tinder love.

Tinder 1

Message: Who is she? Is she some sort of aquatic creature guessing from that emoji?

Analysis: I didn’t use my old standby of two question marks thus she couldn’t see the urgency in my questions. I shall never make that mistake again.

Tinder 2

Message: Tourista!! Whats your favorite part of nyc?

Analysis: Somethings are never meant to be shared on Tinder. She was right to not respond.

Tinder 3

Message 1: Hi! Nice rooster mug. I see you enjoy the signs of the Chinese zodiac as well

One Day Later: Ahh I guess your more of an astrology person then.

Analysis: Or maybe sometimes a rooster is just a rooster. Take that Freud!

Tinder 4

Message 1: How is Ted Cruz beautiful?? Riddle me that Batman!

One Month Later: The riddler wins again!

Analysis: There is only one person who can tangle with the Riddler and win that is Batman. Since she didn’t respond I can only assume she isn’t Batman and understood she could never match wits with the Riddler. Good call on her end.

Tinder 5

Message: Can I be the George Michael to your Maeby?

One Day Later: Or perhaps the STEVE HOLT to your Maeby?

Analysis:

Tinder 6

Message: Netflix account? I’m sold. Also fuck saying hey. How bout: hello.

Analysis: Or how about neither! I’ll stick to illegally downloading things by writing watch x free online like a normal person!

Tinder 7

Message: A new ceo?? Are you now a part of the 1%? Whats it like form on yonder??

Analysis: Apparently the view is great!

I guess Bob Dylan was right when he sang there’s no success like failure and failure’s not success at all!