2016 Yankees Outlook

Last season the Yankees finished 87-75 and advanced to the AL Wild Card game. I had the privilege of attending said game, which despite an actually jazzed up Yankee Stadium, ended up being the worst game I’ve ever seen in person. Watching the fucking Houston Astros celebrate on hallowed ground was depressing to say the least. But it’s 2016 and a new Yankee season is upon us despite having to start the season against the same upstarts who kicked our asses last year. So let’s prep for another season of Evil Empire/Yankees baseball with my handy guide to the team.

Masahiro Tanaka will continue to lead the league in the area of best warm up song: 

After years of flirting with the idea, Mark Teixeira will finally let the Blue Fairy turn him into a real boy.

Johnny Barbato will live up to his namesake and become the drummer for the outdoor pool Reggae band on a Carnival Cruise.

Chase Headley will decide that maybe greasing his palms with olive oil before he throws the ball to first base isn’t the best move.

Jacoby Ellsbury will continue to play like an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a 153 million dollar contract.

Joe Girardi look mildly annoyed to slightly agitated all season despite what’s happening on the field.

The double play combo of Starlin Castro and Didi Gregorius will be referred to as Darlin Starlin and Fantorius Gregorius. Believe me, it’ll catch on.

Anytime Paul O’Neill brings up his support of Donald Trump in the booth, the other announcers will be given the opportunity to punch him in the face.

Alex Rodriguez will finally live out his dream of just being “one of the guys”. He’ll hate it.

Aroldis Chapman will have a good season with the Yankees, but no one will feel quite good cheering for him. Unless of course he wins in the playoffs then ALL IS FORGIVEN per the rulebook of being a fan.

To prevent another late season collapse, Brett Gardner will only give 105% for the first half rather than his normal 110%. It’ll make all the difference.

Dellin Betances, Andrew Miller, and Aroldis Chapman will combine into a three headed three inning dominate relief pitcher. This will piss off Goose Gossage for breaking yet another unwritten rule.

Randy Levine and Len Tross will be the only people to enjoy Yankee Stadium being half empty because it will mean they have succeeded in their goal of keeping middle and lower class fans out of their one percenter paradise.

Every major sports publication’s predictions about the Yankees will be both wildly inaccurate and right on the nose. This paradox will cause a tear in the baseball universe allowing the Cubs to capture their first World Series since 1908.

My dream World Series matchup is for the Yankees to face the Cubs and just utterly destroy them in a four game sweep. That would be hilarious.