Anxiety: A Love Story

Anxiety starts in the upper chest and radiates throughout the body creating a swirling sensation of unease and nausea.  All thoughts of fighting the crippling feeling die by the wayside as the saliva in the throat alternatively accumulates and subsides.  Why the sensation of anxiety has come on is a curious question and fields to a host of simple, but possibly wrong answers.  The mind is a tool of varying mystery and today it has been overwhelmed by something.  Eyes have widened and the mouth has moved into a squiggly line befitting a comic strip before opening up for the dreaded gagging motion.  The familiar twitching motions have returned and they only intensify the feeling known as anxiety.  Flurries of psychbabble flood the mind searching for a definitive reason as to why the sensation of anxiety has sprung a full-fledged attack.  Is it the nearby presence of an ex-lover or prospective lover?  Could it be the discomforting feeling of looking out into a deep, warm night pondering the future of your fate?  Perhaps it is the rush of entering the unknown and fearing the dangers it unlocks.  Whatever the reason or whatever the cause, it has nearly brought on that most unpleasant fear that your anxiety may unleash itself in a physical form and that physical form may manifest itself on your pants or on your shoes.  That does nothing but cause various hostile sensations to swell and battle each other.  Nothing says stability like mental anguish and physical anxiety battling each other for control of a fragile nerve.  In this case the winner is physical anxiety and the prize is a generous heaping of projectile vomit.  Once the vomit has been released from the premise, the body has become nothing more than a glorified encasement of vital organs and blood.  Gone is the strength to do anything but take a few steps and meekly ask for some water while thinking of a witty way to defuse the tension/awkwardness of spewing all over ninth and Broadway.  After wobbling and staggering for a spell, vestiges of your old life before the incident begin to reappear and are yours for the taking.  You grab them and jumpstart the reclaiming process.  It’s good to be back in a state where the old, familiar fears have been put to rest.  The anxiety is still there, but made harmless by the worst way to release anxiety.  You win this time projectile vomit, but let’s not make it a habit (your teeth will be grateful for this proclamation).  Next time will be different (maybe).  But for now it’s time to rejoin the night and enjoy what’s left of a rather beautiful evening.  Nothing like a night out on the town.   

Mission Statement - A New Blog-inning

Some great companies derive their greatness from their wealth of ideas, their superior management style, or their unique take on what the world needs now (don’t even think about saying love, sweet love).  Others have employed a black turtleneck.  Despite these varied focuses, each company has had one crucial element in common, the willingness to experiment.  To be able to change and to grasp at the unknown is what separates the great ones from the merely pretty good ones.  After careful consideration and a quick consultation with my spiritual adviser (me) I have decided to bring this blog into the age of experimentation.  Today marks the beginning of an experiment with this blog.  For too long this once proud blog has floundered under lazy leadership that would rather read the comments on A.V. Club articles than write pieces of varying wit and candor.  That ends today.  The blog known as Thoughts with Some Ramblings (and other parts I can’t recall at the moment) will be undergoing a Sea Change or a Mutations but not a Midnight Vultures.  Starting today, this blog will post on every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday until I forget or find myself entrenched in another pop culture site’s comment section.

To recap, the wild experimentation will be a strict schedule of postings.  When the clock hits Tuesday, Thursday, or Sunday there will be a new blog.  Reread that last sentence and take it in.  That’s three more blogs than I’ve written in all of last month.  I know, I know, I’m a wild man.  But alas, I’ve grown nostalgic for the days when my blog had page views.  I miss checking my view counter and seeing page views that are greater than the unforgiving ever judgmental zero.  I would also like to add that I will resist the urge to write a lame blog about how I have nothing to write about and then the blog goes nowhere for 500 or so words before a lame ass ending.  I’m not interested in wasting my time like that.  At this point in time I would like to add that I care about your “precious” time too.  Obliviously not as much as I care about my own time, but I assume you too have things of importance to do like call into your local sports radio station as Jeff from the Bronx or pretend grad school was totally worth it. 

Today marks the re-launch of the re-beginning of this re-blog.  The first hundred posts were fun to write but I owe it to the blogging community and my favorite reader (hint it’s me) to crank out these posts with some consistency.  I would like to offer a sincere thank you to all who have read my re-mission statement and will be coming back on Thursday to partake in this wacky experiment of having set posting times.  Those who return on Sunday will have my utmost gratitude and people who come back on the following Tuesday, well they better watch what’s coming for them.  I mean that last part in the nicest way possible.  

The Fifth Day of May or Isis Day

Isis Day is a day like no other.  In short, it is about proving yourself to your one true love.  It’s either about that or going through pyramids made of ice to find an empty casket.  The meaning changes on every Isis day.  Now one naturally wonders how to properly celebrate this scared of unholy spiritual holidays and if it will interfere with my Cinco de Mayo plans.  Never fear weary traveler, both holidays are compatible and mean each other no harm or distress.  So let us delve into how to celebrate the 5^th day of May.

First, one must prematurely marry or proclaim unyielding love to their lover.  It must be premature because then why would you cut off your hair and ride straight away?  You’ve done nothing to deserve this love and must run away, hoping to make it up to them soon as a wiser, better person.  To accomplish this, ride into the wild, unknown country where you cannot go wrong.  Once you have arrived at this country, hitch up your pony (or traveling vehicle of choice) to a post (or parking spot) on the right and enter a Laundromat.  This is a necessity as you’ve been traveling for some time and probably smell quite foul.  If one is to go on an adventure for a true love, it is best to smell one’s best.  Now stow away in the Laundromat and wait for a man to approach you.  If the man asks you for a match, it’s the right guy.  Anybody else is just impeding on your voyage of love and discovery.  The first thing you’ll notice about this man is that he is not an ordinary fellow because before you can pull out a match, he’ll hit you with a proposition of asking “if you’re looking for something easy to catch”.  Tell the man you’re flat broke (or you got no money) and he’ll laugh saying that it won’t be necessary.  Follow this man out to conclude part one of Isis Day.  Wait for the harmonica and instrumental break to end and we’ll hitch it down to part two.

As the black cover of night approaches you two will head out for the cold and the north.  Since you have no money to pay this man and are heading for a barren place, present this man with your traveling blanket.  Knowing that this is a sincere gesture, the man will return the favor by giving you his word.  That will be enough for now.  He also relays the information that you’ll be back by the 4^th.  You realize that somehow answered your question of where are we going and it is unequivocally the best news that you’ve ever heard.  The journey is long and arduous and so naturally at this point in the Isis Day celebration your mind begins to wander.  The details of the wandering don’t matter as long as you hit these three crucial points of thought: turquoise, diamonds, and the world’s biggest necklace.  When you hit the canyons and the cold becomes unbearable and rather devilish, avert your wandering mind back to thoughts of your true love.  Think about some of the things they told you like getting remarried and how their thoughts on your apparent recklessness.  Only touch on a few of your loves lesser sayings because, and this is crucial to understanding the celebration, you simply can’t remember all the best things they said.  Pause for a raucous musical interlude before continuing the journey.

After much traveling, you and your partner will finally hit the vaunted pyramids covered in ice.  Here the journey will become clear and your partner will finally go into the why of the journey.  Hidden in one of the caskets is a body that will bring a good price and he needs some help digging it out.  In search of a love-affirming adventure you’ve become a grave robber and a rather willing one at that.  Brave the howling wind and frankly outrageous snow and start chopping because it won’t be long until your partner succumbs to the conditions.  His death isn’t contagious (plus you’ve already taken a shot for what he died of), but don’t for one minute stop chopping!  You’ve got to go on for the sake of your love and perhaps that of your partner.  But before you can break into the tomb, take a break and dance to the third musical interlude.

Now it’s judgment time.  Break into the tomb and lift up the casket.  I’m not going to lie here because that would be cruel, but that moment when you open up the casket is going rank on high on your list of personal disappointments.  There’s nothing in there, no jewels, no nothing.  Your partner was just being a friendly fellow and never expected you to take up his offer.  Somebody is looking like a real madman now and that somebody is you.  So you’re left with an empty casket and a dead man.  Put one and one together and that neatly wraps up that dilemma.  Say a quick prayer for satisfactions sake and bam, you’ve proved yourself to your love.  All that’s left to do is to ride back and declare your love to them.  After a quick voyage, you’ve found your love alone in a meadow by the creek.  The way to reproach your love following an odyssey is to come in through the east so the sun blinds your eyes.  Once you’ve cursed the sun away you’ve vanquished your final foe and are ready to be with the one you so desire.  Answer their various queries and concerns (where ya been, you look different) in vague terms (no place special, well I guess) until they gets to their central thesis of “you gonna stay” which you will answer with a hearty YEAH!  The celebration is nearing completion.  As you look out on what you did and where you went for your personal Isis think about how what drives you to them is what drives you insane.  But always remember the way that they smiled on the 5^th Day of May in (hopefully) the drizzling rain.  If there is no rain, create some.  Trust me, that’s the easiest part of celebrating Isis Day. 

Or another worthy celebration of Isis Day is to listen to the song “Isis” by Bob Dylan off his 1976 album, Desire.  The Live 1975 version is a good listen as well.

The Return of Robinson Cano or Robinson Cano Slowly Jogs Back to Yankee Stadium

The big question tonight at Yankee Stadium will be whether or not we Yankee fans should/will boo Robinson Cano.  During the offseason, Cano went with the money and signed with the Seattle Mariners and spurned the franchise that helped to grow and develop him.  It was ironic and lead many a Yankee fan to repeat Batman’s best line in the Dark Knight Rises, “so that’s how that feels” (the gruffness of the reading may vary from person to person).  Stealing homegrown players from other franchises is our thing and boy does it feel pretty bad when it happens to us.  So tonight when Cano enters the batter’s box as an opponent rather than a friend in pinstripes the question of what to do emerges.  Should he be cheered, booed, or just stared at quietly?  For the answer to this question and possibly more, I invite you to follow me to the next paragraph.

Oh hello, I didn’t notice you here for a second.  My, you truly do look great!  How long has it been?  Since last paragraph?  Why it’s been far too long.  Okay, okay back to the question of how to react when Robinson Cano enters the batter’s box.  Now the rational fan or Gallant will cheer politely for Cano thanking him for his nine great seasons as a Yankee.  The man was a great cog in the puzzle from 2005-2009 and became the team’s best hitter from 2010 to 2013.  Hell, last year he was the only thing keeping the team afloat.  But the rational fan is only fun to deal with when you need to win an argument or are dealing with a fan more obnoxious than yourself.  The obnoxious fan or Goofus will boo the shit out of Cano until he collapses into the fetal position in the batter’s box realizing he’s made a huge mistake (I’ve called the Yankee organization and suggested they roll G.O.B. saying that every time Cano enters the box).  Being obnoxious at a sporting event is too much fun to pass up.  How many times in real life can you boo somebody for doing something you yourself would have done (taking the money)?  Sure I think the notion of being a “true Yankee” is ridiculous but if I were at the game you can guarantee I’d be shouting that old axiom in Cano’s general direction.  If there is one thing growing up during the Bush Presidency has taught me, it is that being an idiot can be a hell of a lot of fun.      

Plus, obnoxious fans are what add that extra layer of excitement to a game.  When I went to a Yankee-Met game last year the only worthwhile part was when a Yankee fan threw his drink at the legion of Mets fans sitting below us.  Sure it was mean, petty, and disgraceful, but it was the only highlight after a night of watching the Yankees get massacred.  Sometimes that obnoxiousness is all the fan has left.  Plus we’re New Yorkers and damn proud of it.  Being obnoxious jerks to our opponents and our own team is our MO (for the own team part I direct you to the 2013-2104 Knicks).  I’d be disappointed if we didn’t boo and be general hypocrites about the whole chasing the money thing.  This sort of obnoxious New York passion is missing from the new Yankee Stadium five years in.  When you attend a game nowadays, the stands are half full and half the people there are in suits.  The yelling isn’t as loud and the dirty chants aren’t as dirty.  I’m hoping that Robinson Cano’s return ignites some of the passion that has been lost in Yankee Stadium.  Let Robinson Cano get a mixed reaction or let it be 2/3 boos and a 1/3 cheers, the actual fractional break down doesn’t matter (but it should be at least 51% boos).  I just hope the stadium is alive with the energy that used to consume it on a daily basis.  I also hope Cano doesn’t hit a home run in his first at bat because that would suck.  I just want to see Cano ground out to the second baseman and see how hard he runs it out with all of Yankee Stadium glaring at him.  Now that will be exciting.    

Fast Food Commercials

Fast Food Commercials

Wendys

If there was one corporate mascot I would loathe seeing on my lunch run or at any occasion where I had to pick out something to eat, I’d have to go with the Wendy’s lady.  Every time somebody is eating a mildly disappointing meal she magically appears with a snotty remark about how much more satisfying her collection of grease is and how she saved 40 cents unlike some loser she knows.  In short, she’s a spirit crusher.  The non-Wendy’s eaters in her commercials are young professionals who are coming to terms with the fact that they have sold out their youthful ideals for a secure but boring lifestyle.  They have become part of the corporate culture and have realized that they are now part of the problem.  The only solace during the workday these young sellouts have is the thirty minute to an hour lunch break where they can break free of their soul crushing institution and enter a world where only getting a decent meal matters.  While these various young professionals are quietly contemplating what went wrong after college (or University) with a decent sandwich from a local eatery, they are approached by the one person in the world not affected by eating Wendy’s on a daily basis.  Instead of sitting down and starting and joining in on a discussion on last night’s thrilling television twist or riveting sport event, this red haired lady decides to further kick these poor people to the curb by mocking the only food that fits their expense to health ratio.  The young professionals try to explain to the redheaded woman that they had Wendy’s a week ago with her, but she will not listen to their pleading nor will she take pity after hearing the waver in their timid voices.  She cackles at their pathetic looking sandwiches (on wheat bread no less) and proudly eats her new Asian/Mexican/California/something salad soaked with more calories than you can shake a Whopper at while forcing a bacon cheeseburger down Fred the vegan’s mouth while shouting “now that’s better” .  Lunch has been ruined again.

Taco Bell

If I may pull a Seinfeld for a minute, what’s the deal with all these Taco Bell Ronald McDonald commercials?  Telling me that somebody with a similar name to a famous clown does not make me crave Taco Bell; it makes me feel sorry for people named Ronald McDonald after 1963.  What kind of a thoughtful parent would name their child after a grotesque hamburger hawking clown?  Those poor young Ronald McDonalds must have had it tougher than the rest for a long, long time.  But if I may return to Taco Bell, having people merely named Ronald McDonald support your breakfast heart attacks does nothing more to make me want to purchase them than having a guy named Henry Ford support a Toyota.  If it was the Henry Ford supporting a Toyota over a Ford I would consider taking his advice (but not really because Henry Ford was an anti-Semite).  Same goes for the Ronald McDonald fiasco.  If it were the actual people behind the makeup shilling for Taco Bell, then I’d consider going down and clogging my arteries with eggs and bacon wrapped in a waffle.  But, as with the Henry Ford scenario, I would not take these former clowns advice (for the record it would be for a completely different reason than the Henry Ford anti-Semite reason).  In the end, a clown mascot is just a clown mascot.  What does a guy in clown suit know about which product is better?  Chances are the guys in the clown suits have only ever eaten at McDonalds and would be ill prepared to give me a sound judgment on which fast food chain is less nauseating to eat completely sober.  For this query I would like the opinion of the food scientists who engineered such meals to put on our plastic trays and keep us clamoring for more.  So if Taco Bell wants me to eat whatever they are hawking, wheel out some empirical data and people in lab coats to tell me that this egg sandwich is slightly superior to the egg sandwich at McDonalds.  Is that so hard?

Stephen Colbert

I had mixed feelings when I heard the news that Stephen Colbert would be taking over the Late Show when David Letterman retired.  The only way I knew how to express my mixed feelings was to write a lame Facebook status/tweet and hope that it would go viral.  Out of that social media failure rose this article like the phoenix rising from the ashes or the urge get some page views on the old blog.

As I pronounced earlier, I had mixed feelings about the late night shake up news.  The Colbert Report has been my favorite show on television and I have devoted much of my time to being a faithful member of the Colbert Nation.  Where else on television could you see anything like the stunts Colbert gleefully pulled?  There was the Colbert SuperPac, him running for President of South Carolina, his quests to rename everything after himself (bridges, NASA treadmills, hockey mascots), and his Better Know a District series.  The show was one of the few programs that had scientists, authors, politicians, and musicians as regular guests.   Watching them deal with the Colbert character and seeing Colbert improvise and sometimes best his guests were moments of great hilarity.  Despite the limitations of playing a right wing blowhard, Colbert was able to grow and advance his character (slightly).  The Colbert Character is as much a conservative as he is an egotistical blowhard and a delight to watch on a daily basis.  So, on the selfish reason of losing my favorite show at the end of the year, I was sad upon hearing the news.

Stephen Colbert the person is greatly deserving of Letterman’s chair.  Like Letterman before him, Stephen Colbert put out a show that was greatly different than the late night shows before him and has become one of the most respected people in the comedy world.  In the interviews I’ve seen, Stephen Colbert the person is a widely funny, endlessly kind, and all in all, a very smart man.  There is no doubt that he won’t own the Late Show seat like Letterman before him.  Colbert is a born improviser and it would be unfair to ask him to play the same narrow, but hilarious, character for life.  A Mad Magazine summary of the Colbert Report claimed that the reward for Colbert’s great improvising skills is that he gets to play the same character day in and day out.  With that note, let’s allow the real Colbert free and let him soar like majestic bald eagle he is.  I hope that CBS will let Stephen Colbert do what he wants with his new show and they don’t force him to put on a garden variety talk show with a decent monologue, a decent desk bit, and an interview with 2 actors and a musician.  We have enough of those shows.  Let Colbert shake up the Late Show and do as he pleases.

The last eight months of the Colbert Report will have the air of a Viking funeral.  With every laugh at the antics of “Stephen Colbert” there will be that annoying voice in the back of my head reiterating that my favorite show is coming to an end.  Last night on the Report, Colbert mentioned Letterman’s retirement but then never said he was the successor.  He simply said that person will have big shoes to fill and then bam, it was straight on to Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA.  The show proceeded with its freight train speed and laser sharp satirical focus as if an announcement had never been made.  It quenched my fears to see that the Colbert Report will be going strong till the very end and I’m a little ashamed at myself for thinking otherwise.  The Colbert Report will go out in a blaze of glory and I can’t wait to follow the show and cry at Colbert’s last closing good night speech (I will cry and I will be damn proud of my tears).  

Hopefully the last show will feature him engaging a bear in an epic clash reminiscent of when Gandalf fought the Balrog.  At the end of the battle, Stephen Colbert will awake and realize his job is not done and that he needs to reenter the realm of the late night talk show.  But like Gandalf the Grey, “Stephen Colbert” will be dead.  Instead, he will rise up, walk to the Late Show, take the name Stephen Colbert, and begin his new journey as network late night host.  Now that would be a finale for one of the best shows of this century (it’s fun to use that phrase).  Congratulations Stephen Colbert, we all wish you well and hope that the next show is at least half as amazing as the Report!   

@midnight Review

At midnight (I’m not starting off a paragraph with a “@” sign) is a curious show. The greatest service the show provides the viewing public is a chance to see comedians who get little mainstream exposure and to observe how well their personal style can adapt to a rapid pace riffing on something environment.  At its highest form, @midnight can become a Johnny Carson for the modern world by showcasing and emphasizing little known or niche comics to a larger audience.  Johnny Carson was the king of introducing new talent and voices to a mainstream audience.  When he invited a comedian to come over and chat that was the universal sign for you’re gonna make it after all (throw hat into the air).  Today the late night comedy talk show circuit is not used as a launching pad for young comedians mainly due to the fragmentation of the late night comedy world and the hyper focus on the host.  Whereas everybody was watching Carson from the 60’s to the early 90’s, today we have a myriad of options to turn to watch a funny person interview a celebrity/not funny person.  Making a good impression on one show means that you’ve reached an audience of a million as opposed to the giant audiences Carson used to accrue (the benefits of competing against 2 channels).  The only late night show I can think of that has launched major talent has been The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  Otherwise, the focus is mainly on the person in the show’s title.

Chris Hardwick’s show can serve as a stepping stone for young or just unseen comics to get mainstream exposure.  The focus of the show should be on the comedians getting their riffs in and not a strict adherence to the quasi-game show formula.  The funniest @midnight episodes have had the guests derail the show to embark on strange tangents.  Also, the best @midnights feature Chris Hardwick disappearing into the role of just another commentator rather than driving force and chief funny man.  My preference would be for Chris Hardwick to follow the model Bill Maher has set during his panel discussions on Real Time.  When Maher has a lively panel, he sits in the background and seamlessly transitions into just another voice on the show, albeit one who shifts the topics and provides a timely joke.  When the panel is faltering or just not that good, Bill Maher takes the lead and drives the conversation.  Chris Hardwick should strive for this model as he sometimes will dominate episodes that need no dominating.  He should step into the background for shows where the comedians are really clicking.  That would be greatly appreciated.  Conversely when the show is stalling by all means I implore him to take over the show for it is his show and he is a funny host.  On a whole, the comedians should drive the tone of the show and Hardwick should adapt to where the show is going and not ground it in a quasi-game show format.  Free form is what I’m asking and I hope he delivers.

Another great aspect of the show is the episodes with a theme cast.  Having a group of people familiar with each other sets the proceedings with an unparalleled level of comic camaraderie and chemistry and subsequently invites the strange and fun occurrence of seeing familiar people in different places and in different roles.  A theme cast episode once a week is something the show should keep.  The main advantage I would give @midnight over other talk shows is that it is ultimately four funny people making jokes for a half an hour.  Most late night talk shows feature a decent to funny monologue with a decent to funny second bit and then it’s time to turn the channel when the first guest comes out.  Unless the guest is somebody I enjoy, the interview segments are usually weak unless the interviewer is Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, David Letterman (still does a classic interview), or Craig Ferguson (he makes anyone and anything hilarious).  To me watching a skilled comedian interview a reality star is a waste of the skilled comedian’s time and talent.  @midnight never has this problem.  If a joke fails, fuck it because another one liner is seconds away.  A show with a rapid pace will always have at least a few good jokes per segment, it’s simply science people.   

So that’s why I prefer @midnight to the normal stuff that occupies the 12 o’clock spot.  The show has great promise and has delivered so far.  I’ve seen comics I’ve never heard of and realized that nearly every comedian is part of a podcast (who knew) and that Chris Hardwick produces about 75% of them.  The show has some faults and uses a lot of subtle product placement (starting off a segment about how cool this blank product is) but overall it’s a hell of a lot better than watching the back half of most talk shows.  So I say live long and prosper @midnight and I will watch your show if nothing more compelling is on at midnight (ha) or if the on demand channels are playing nothing but crap.