Unbalanced

It’s a despicable feeling but I can’t help but swell up with rage and intense self-loathing the minute I entered the presence of the golden god about to put the finishing touches on his next project.  The self-loathing comes from a place of insecurity and deep jealousy.  What’s the point of being here other than to talk while you raise your profile and career?  Meanwhile I just sit here floundering and updating my fake cell-phone city.  I just sit there listening to the constant praise and ambition while I sit around getting the cursory question coupled with the mocking remark.  I guess that’s my reward for being “easy going”.  It’s my fault though as I am the one who brings it on.  Maybe I’m just not phrasing what I’m up to that well.  The rage is not displayed externally aside from an indifferent or sarcastic remark.  Nothing bites or wounds and I the one who ends up feeling worse as the pit in my chest grows deeper and my expression more sullen and disinterested.  There’s only so many times I can aimlessly walk around and idly chat before wanting to completely flip out and start breaking things.  But I can’t and I shan’t because what kind of self-loathing friend would I be.  That’s just not the kind of backstabber I am.  So instead I’m there listening to how much better I’m not doing in comparison while my hints of internal anger go unnoticed.  I’m just there to entertain and keep company for that’s all I can do.  My talents are not needed or required for the fact that they never are.  Anybody can do what I bring to the table evidently.  I’m just there for god knows why.  It’s always the same.  Hang out, do nothing, get something to eat, do more nothing, go home and catch hell for it because it’s better to do nothing in company than alone I suppose.  Well I do nothing while the others just soar.  To be fair I am exaggerating about the nothing part.  I sit there and hear shit about how I’m not as (fill in the blank – positive word) as I should be and that I’m such a (fill in another blank – negative word).   Always refreshing to hear how much room you have for improvement, especially in areas you didn’t think needed them.  There truly is no other feeling like that of complete inadequacy.  If there is please let me know for I’d love to get familiar with the said feeling.  I guess it comes with the persona.  But what more is there to do?  Jealously will only get you so far these days (60 so odd blocks by my calculation) and the rest of the time I’m just sitting there thinking about what a shmuck I am.  Oh well there are others to associate with and go through the motions.  I wonder how they think of me.  I wonder if I fall into any of the categories I’ve just described to any individual.  If so, well it’s always nice to cause somebody to feel something. 

Anyway it just sounds like I’m being a (fill in the blank – negative word from the second fill in the blank) but again what are you going to do.  I find it quite fun and cathartic to engage in the pettier feelings and emotions that linger deep within us.  We can’t all be beings of purity and virtue.  Some situations just call for us to dig down (usually not that far) and embrace our villainous pursuits.  Let the jealously flow up and enrage you; after all if may help motivate and get you going to where you want to be.  At the very least it’s a nice feeling to sneer and snarl into the dark.  But after those moments you’re just left with impotent rage and you have only you and the person who caused it to blame (in the beginning it’s not you but towards the end it’s most likely you).  But these things will pass as they always do and you will maybe be better for it or return to enjoying the status quo.  Ah the status quo, keeper of mediocrity and resentment.  So in conclusion if you would like to see a visual representation of this essay/rant/whine please view the episode “Arthur After Hours” from the great The Larry Sanders Show.  It rings fairly accurate in parts.  

Is Ignorance Bliss (Part 1)

Is ignorance truly bliss?  I have no idea but like always I will set out to write about the subject.  In the first of my two part series I will explore the subject that has spawned many a crappy philosophical argument.  Today I will take the pro position as ignorance truly is bliss.  Below are some reasons why.

1. If you don’t know something horrendous than it won’t affect your mental state plain and simple.  Life is fleeting and today we have a million different platforms designed to send us horribly depressing news immediately.  Tuning and plugging out of the examined life is a good way to keep your sanity intact.  I can’t begin to think how much happier I would have been if I hadn’t come across that article about how we’re all going to die due to our unwillingness to save the environment.  It’s not the smartest way to live but for this I will defer to Lisa Simpson and her happiness v. intelligence graph from the episode “HOMR” (guess the relationship between the two I dare you).                                                                                                                        
2. Nothing is ever 100 hundred percent perfect and pure.  The more you learn about your heroes and realities of the world, the less magical everything seems.  Nothing is golden or perfect the more you expound on things as everything gets corrupted one day or another.  By choosing or going out of your way not to know about certain thing you stop the possibility of being crushed by the ones you believe in.  We all have faults, even the untouchables.  Musicians give their music to commercials, politicians give themselves to corporations, and your parents are just average people.  Knowing this stuff may put a 3^rd dimension to life, (while being depressing as hell) but is it truly better to live in a world where you are waiting for the other shoe to fall on everything and have no sense of the magic and wonder that comes with perfection?  With an ignorance is bliss attitude, the magic never ceases because you really don’t know any better.  You choose to live your life as an illusion, but if you have no belief in an afterlife who cares?  Live this life as you please and if your system of blissful ignorance works than go for it.  Sure you won’t be as interesting or knowledgeable as some people but I can guarantee that you’ll be much happier than they are.  The best part is that this will be one of the few things you know and it will make you feel that much better than those eggheads over there with their knowledge and depression.  What a bunch of nerds right!                                                                                           
3. Why would such a quoted phrase be wrong?  People wouldn’t dare repeat a quote or saying if it was false?  Why I’ve never heard of such an instance, have you?  I thought so.  If a majority of people say something it has to be true.  What would they have to gain from spinning lies or telling untruths?  Nothing at all.  Nothing has ever been gained from acquiring knowledge from those who tell you not to.  It never results in a change of the status quo or anything silly like that.  So just sit down and stop rocking the boat with your knowledge.  I’m getting seasick as it is.    

Well I was Wrong

Well I was completely wrong on my MLB Division Series predictions and I vow to never make another prediction about the playoffs again, until of course next year rolls around.  I’ve learned my lesson for this year and it is simply that you cannot predict baseball Suzyn.  Once this post season has concluded the lesson will be lost and I’ll be right back at making crappy predictions based on what the so called “experts” at ESPN said (it’s more than just a funny coincidence that my predictions are exactly the same as those on ESPN) but with funnier observations and my everybody is against the Yankees paranoia that you the reader has come to expect and demand.  So for the rest of the baseball season I’m going to sit back and enjoy without adding in some faulty thoughts.  I’m not going to write a blog predicting that the Royals will pull out a classic 7 game series against the Orioles.  I’m going to let the other experts pontificate and fall flat on their faces.  I’m just here to apologize for wasting your valuable time (my bad fellas).

The future is a tough thing to predict unless you have a time machine and as you can tell my machine has been in the shop for quite a while.  It’s time to give the old Nostradamus noodle a rest and go back to my main focus of trying to predict the events of the 2014-2015 NBA season (division previews should start mid next week thank you for asking).  I’ll simply make a few vague predictions (the team with Lebron James will win some games) and I’ll regain my golden status.  It’ll be a glorious return to the top after these harrowing few days at the bottom of the barrel.  I’m a roller coaster of predicting emotions but isn’t it worth it just for the ride.  I say no, but then again I thought the Angels would beat the Royals in 4 so what do I know?  I was so wrong with those ALDS predictions that frankly I am incredibly embarrassed.  I should have known that Joba Chamberlain would give up essential game winning runs; I mean I saw him do it for years on the Yankees.  Now the ALCS looks like a match that should have happened in the late 70’s to early 80’s.  It should be fun and will be enjoyed by all 40 people who tune in outside of Kansas City and Baltimore. 

The only prediction I’m still okay with is the Dodgers – Cardinals series, but I’m going to keep my mouth shut on that one given how poorly Kershaw has looked.  I could still pull out ahead with a National’s comeback, but it wouldn’t matter.  Any hack can call a series winner.  It takes a true hack to call a series winner in the correct number of games and today I am no true hack.  I am but a man and an average hack off the street.  Oh pity me oh righteous and never wrong fan for I used to be one of you.  I used to be a kingmaker and a caller of shots.  Today I sit in front of my television set, a member of the unwashed masses with no idea as to what shall transpire next.  It is my cross to bear and I accept it for the rest of this postseason.  Of course next year will be different.  I swear on it.    

To Tell a Tale

We need to create a gauge or a wrap it up timer a la the Chappelle Show when people are talking about their lives.  If there is one thing in conversation that annoys the hell out of me, it is when people talk about themselves or their incredibly dull jobs/day-day activities ad-nauseam.  Take all your so called interesting stories and condense them into a humorous anecdote or a horrifying jumping off point for a better conversation where you are not the main character.  For me, conversations of interest rarely involve the daily doings of people because most of the time it’s just plain boring.  Unless you are doing something of actual interest (anything in the vein of creativity) let’s spend our time telling jokes and ragging on each other until somebody starts to cry.  Let’s discuss artists, musicians, politics, and people we don’t like.  When we bring up ourselves I say we preach the word of universality.  Personal stories are no fun unless it leads to a larger point that is fascinating.  Tell a story about you working in an office and there always being cake in the break room and I’ve already mentally checked out.  Tell a story about people throwing up the cake in the break room and I’m intrigued.  I love it!  That story has everything: action, suspense, Tosh.0 levels of vomit, and most importantly it doesn’t just revolve around you. 

My main point is that more people should exaggerate, embellish, or in some drastic cases, just plain lie about the personal stories they tell.  Our society needs to have a mandatory class where people learn how to tell a proper story.  When I discuss issues of my personal life I have tweaked the tales to make them that more interesting and compelling because most people could care less.  How many times have you tried to discuss your life-changing vacation and gotten the disinterested gaze and/ or the jealous stares?  As Groucho Marx once sang “Your proposition may be good but let’s have one thing understood, whatever it is I’m against it!”  If you’re going to tell somebody a story that doesn’t involve them or a celebrity, there is a mighty fine hurdle that you’ll be a-climbin’ in order to keep their interest at a peak level.  In the process we create our own tall tales and build up our own myth and legend thus making us more interesting people.  Everybody loves a liar; it’s why we pay actors and actresses millions of dollars a year to play dress up on a screen.  So weave that tale and embellish when necessary.  Your audience will both love and respect you for not wasting their “precious time”.  And always remember the famous George Costanza line, “it’s not a lie if you believe it”.  Is there anything else to say?     

MLB Division Series Predictions

After one exciting Wild Card play-in game and another Wild Card play-in game, the MLB playoffs are officially set to begin.  I personally could care less because the Yankees are not involved in the proceedings, but I have served up a set of predictions based on how I feel each meaningless Division Series will go.

Orioles v Tigers

The Tigers have the star pitchers and the star hitters, but the Orioles believe that Buck Showalter is a demi-god capable of making magic out of decent players which has lead fans to the classic argument of talent vs. magic.  I’m going to say that the Orioles take Games 1 fairly easily and then play a classic Game 2 that goes into, oh let’s say 15 innings before the O’s capture the victory.  Feeling good, the Orioles head into Comerica Park and lose Games 3 and 4 in competitive, but not really close games setting up a Game 5 for the ages.  In Game 5 the Orioles will blow a lead in the 8^th and then lose the game in extras.  Sound familiar?  Why yes, this is exactly how the 1995 Yankees – Mariners ALDS series went, where Buck Showalter lost and Don Mattingly was eliminated from his only playoffs.  NEVER FORGET.  Tigers in 5.

Angels v Royals

Ah, nothing says thrilling like a classic play in game.  The Royals were able to beat The Athletics, a 29 year history of failure, and the managerial “skills” of Ned Yost in that thrilling game.  Now they get rewarded by playing a team that is competent and didn’t lose the last 40 games of the season.  I’m going to say that Mike Trout has a good, but not great series, and that Pujols emerges as the driving factor behind this Angels team.  The Royals may sneak a game at home, but will ultimately go down because Ned Yost refuses to pitch anybody out of his bullpen.  He will replace each starter with another starter, and then go straight to having position players pitch in a move that confounds everybody in the league.  Angels in 4.

Nationals v Giants

The Giants have a thing for even numbered years so look for them to sit back and wait for the magic that accompanies a year divisible by 2.  The Nationals have been ranked as World Series favorites and we know that people in Washington always thrive under pressure.  Plus it doesn’t hurt to have Theodore Roosevelt on your side as a mascot (the man shot and killed eight giants and their children in his life).  I’m going to say that the Nationals pull this series out because every prediction I’ve read calls it for them to win and I’ve never read a sports prediction that was later proved wrong.  Nationals in 4.

Cardinals v Dodgers

There has been this weird vibe going around baseball about the “Cardinal way” and how the Cardinals are always playing in October and are built to win.  Last time I checked they have 11 World Series wins, a full 16 less than the Yankees.  Since the Wild Card era began in 1995, the Cardinals have played October baseball 12 times compared to the 17 times by the Yankees.  Fellas, let’s hold off on that coronation for a bit shall we?  It’s getting a bit embarrassing.  This match-up is a rematch of last year’s Championship Series where the “Cardinal Way” triumphed over the “Dodger Dickishness”.  Even though I’m supposed to hate the Dodgers for their intense rivalry with my beloved Yankees, I can’t root against Donnie Baseball.  They also have Clayton Kershaw whose mere presence guarantees the Dodgers a win.  Dodgers in 5.

Andy Kaufman Lives!

Andy Kaufman lives, or so the story goes. Could it be that he was pulling the greatest prank of all time and we were none the wiser?  Is Bob Zmuda telling the truth about Andy Kaufman reappearing after 30 years of assumed death?  If so, it’s anarchy in the streets.  Nothing will be the same again and nor should it. Andy Kaufman is a force of chaos and we need that gleeful anarchist spirit to grace our lives again.   I want to see him return to SNL to break his ban and then proceed to “Fridays” up the proceedings.  Break character, pull stunts within stunts within stunts, and in general proceed to make a patsy out of us the audience because we deserve it (and because it is hilarious).  Bring that live anything can happen spirit back to that long running comedy institution.  We see people doing parts of Andy Kaufman’s acts and bits, but nobody has the gall to combine the elements.  Some people play the heel or will do something strange on a talk show, but they will not put it all together.  They are too afraid to take the bit too far or to truly assume the role of the showbiz villain.  We need villains in our life; they make everything that much better (see Kanye West).  Andy Kaufman is a true original and seeing him assume the stage again would be an act of pure surrealism. 

So if and most likely when Andy Kaufman returns, I don’t want to see any lame Splitsider think piece or whatever articles about what this means or what not (How can a website devoted to comedy be so dry and self-serious?  They even have a humor section for Chrissakes!  A humor section on a comedy website, I said good day sir!).  All it means is that Andy Kaufman beat us and we’re damn glad he did.  The man is a legend already, seeing him return from the grave after 30 years would make him something more or whatever.  The point is that Andy Kaufman lives and I can’t wait to see him back and I’ll wrestle anybody who thinks otherwise.

That’s not the end of the piece it’s merely the beginning.  This is the end.

That’s my lame impression of Andy Kaufman.  Take it as you will.  Or don’t.  I could care less.  

Weekend TV Wrap Up

Weekend TV Wrap-up/ Shows I saw this weekend

SNL – The 40^th season of SNL is upon on us and it followed in the grand tradition of SNL by being merely okay.  Chris Pratt was by no means a bad host but he really wasn’t given much to do.  This seems to happen to hosts that are good ensemble players on other shows as they just blend into the cast.  Again, nothing against Chris Pratt, but nothing too memorable from our benevolent StarLord (a great film).  I’m not going to be stepping on any new ground here but the best part of the show was new cast member Pete Davidson and his Weekend Update monologue about sucking dick for money.  It was a bit that was hilarious and very relatable.  I literally had the same conversation about dick sucking the other night and we all came to the same conclusion that Davidson did.  Even his minor roles in sketches were spot on like his pronunciation of the word treason.  Here’s hoping he gets a chance to shine this season.  I also enjoyed the return of Leslie Jones as she brought some energy to a low key Weekend Update with her flirty repartee with Colin Jost (she flirted, he just stayed there).  Michael Che was shaky at first, but got better and I hope he does a good job in the anchor role as he was pretty good in his cameo with the Daily Show.  He already is better than Jost, which sadly, is not much of a compliment.  It should have been Cecily Strong and Michael Che doing the update, but there’s no use in complaining.  Let’s just hope that Jost and Che can develop some chemistry together or else the middle of the show is going to be a drag.  The sketches again were not that memorable and here’s looking to Sarah Silverman to bring it on home next week.  Hopefully she’ll mention how much she hated working at SNL back in the day.  One can only hope.

The Simpsons – The season premiere gave us a death and I was glad it was Rabbi Krustoswki and not Spencer Tracy’s most promising newcomer of 1959, Krusty the Clown.  Killing off a character was unnecessary, but I’m glad it was done to a minor one and gave us a chance to see fake Jewish heaven (I for one would love to slow dance with the Marx Brothers and Rodney Dangerfield).  The episode was enjoyable and the celebrity cameos were fine and not a distraction (it’s always cool to here Sideshow Bob’s soothing tones).  The stand out of the episode was the bizarre couch gag by Don Hertzfedlt which took us briefly into the past and then the future of the Simpson’s franchise.  It was an avant-garde beginning to the season and I enjoyed that they let the gag go on for a few minutes.  The guest artist couch gags have been a highlight of the last few seasons and I hope that they stay.  It shows the Simpsons dedication to being a truly unique and different television program.

Family Guy – Ah, nothing warms the heart like a crossover episode.  The Family Guy – Simpsons bits were okay, but after a while the continued knowing winks at the audience grew a bit tiresome.  My favorite bits to the episode were the surprise cameos by Bob from Bob’s Burgers and Roger from American Dad! (here’s looking to a great season on TBS).  The fight scene at the end went on too long, but the Stewie – Bart subplot was enjoyable and seeing Lisa act as a positive role model and all around good person is something I’ll never grow tired of.  The biggest surprise for me was watching the hostility Marge showed towards Brian.  I guess Quagmire isn’t the only person not particularly fond of Brian.  In the end, I think Homer said it best that they should agree to stay a half hour apart from each other.

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver – As I write this piece, I am eagerly awaiting the real highlight of Sunday nights; the half an hour brilliance of John Oliver.  The show does some of the best investigative work on television in his signature 15 minute exposes that range from the disgrace that is FIFA to the disgrace that is the Miss America scholarship program.  The man is a wrecking ball of devastating humor and unparalleled insight.  Lately he’s outpaced the Daily Show and my beloved Colbert Report due to the freedom he is awarded by being on HBO.  That show is a treasure and it is unfortunate that we have to look to a comic for hard news.  Long live John Oliver!

Feel free to comment on my reviews and discuss your own favorite weekend program in the comment section below (yes I have a comments section and yes it is free to post).