Birthdays of Note

Birthdays of Note –

1^st birthday – You haven’t died yet so there’s that.  Time to congratulate your parents by not pissing in their face or by keeping the crying to a minimum or by letting them sleep for a whole 6 hours.  This will be the first of many birthday parties where you have no memory of what happened or who you were surrounded by.  

  

10^th Birthday – There’s no going back from here.  You’ve hit the double digits and you’ll probably die in this age group.  But a tenth birthday is no place to be reminded of the cold emptiness that is mortality.  The party has ice cream cake, a million big and boxy presents, most of your 5^th grade class plus your other friends that don’t attend your elementary school thus making it one of your first parties with strained mingling and splintered factions. 

13^th Birthday – If you’re Jewish it’s the one where you become an adult but still can’t do anything that makes being an adult tolerable (voting, going to war).  If you’re not Jewish or are Jewish and simply don’t care, it’s just the first teenage party (braces and pimples galore)!  The presents start to take the form of envelopes or squishy clothes boxes.  Kind of cool I suppose.

16^th Birthday – If you’re not appearing on MTV or getting a car then this birthday means nothing.  Move it along people.

18^th Birthday – This would have been the cool birthday back in the day.  Now it’s just ceremonial as you can only vote, go to war, be charged as an adult, and appear in various barely legal pornos.  Celebrate in the appropriate fashion and by that I mean start making some pornos.  It’s better than going to war.

21^st Birthday – Try not to be the obituary in the paper that eventually makes it into the freshman alcohol education course.  This is also the birthday where you find out that bars are very expensive and that they sort of suck.  It’s all downhill from here.

27^th Birthday – This is a big one if you are a rock star.  If you die now you become an immortal.  If you do choose to live it out, immortality is still a viable option but you’ll miss out on joining this most elusive of clubs.  Choose wisely for this could be your crossroads.

30^th Birthday – Important only if you live in Logan’s Run.

35^th Birthday – Where does it all go right?  And why are you the only one of your friends without a stable job, spouse, or kids?  I’ll tell you why, because your friends with a heap of suckers!

40^th Birthday – You sold out man.  A wife?  Two to three kids?  And a lame job in finance just because Doug’s wife called you a fuck up.  You folded man.  But whatever, 40 is super depressing but at least you’re not alone.  At least you’re not so very alone like Doug’s bitch wife will be once she finds out what Doug has been doing on his extended business trips…

50^th Birthday – This is officially the midlife crises or halfway point day.  You’ve actually made it through 50 torturous years of existence and would be considered ancient if this was 1785.  Now you’re distinguished or simply “paunchy”.  But it’s been quite a 50 years.  The birthday party has been a bit subdued due to the  kids still reeling from your divorce and subsequent remarriage to Doug’s wife (she’s actually super cool), but at least a host of work friends and family members are enjoying the open bar.  What a bunch of letches.  Things are going well I suppose.

65^th Birthday – This was supposed to be a combination birthday/retirement party but those bastards on Wall Street made sure to spoil that.  According to your financial advisor that combo party will have to wait till your 75^th.  Now it’s time to sit back and hang out with your family and friends to reminisce about the days when you could hear each other reminisce about the good old days.  Good times.

75^th Birthday – You are old buddy and its super weird.  This birthday is shaping up like your first one but only because you have dementia.  So enjoy the cake the nice strangers gave you?

90th  Birthday – You’ve been dead for 8 years.  Sorry you had to find out this way.